Beauty is a Beast

Demons haunt every single step
Beneath these stormy skies,
Prince Charming has revealed himself
As a nightmare in disguise.

Try not to break your glass slippers
Whilst fleeing through the woods.
Wrap yourself in cotton wool and
Behave as ladies should.
A princess should be mortified
In dress that has been torn,
Despite the fact she has to run
To live to see the dawn.

The woods are out to get her and
Ensnare her in their cage,
The Prince has learned her secret now
And she must face his rage.
Yet no one comes to save her,
No hero hears her plea.
Her only chance: to carry on,
Escape this misery.

The castle is a silhouette
On a sky cloaked by mist.
Afraid to be at the mercy
Of the forest’s dark abyss.
Her handsome prince is calling her
But all soothing words have gone.
For he’s the one who hunts her down
Now the fairytale’s gone wrong.

Behind her runs a swordsman prince,
Blade cutting through the trees,
His only motivation is
To bring her to her knees.
His piercing eyes search through the leaves,
Grip tightening on the hilt.
Nobody beats His Majesty
At killing without guilt.

The poison ivy guards the ground
And sneaks in for the kill,
For trapping maids in emerald ropes
Is King Ivy’s greatest skill.
Lies now a desperate princess
On a leafy dungeon floor,
Prince Charming will soon find her
And she will breathe no more.
Wishing cannot help her now,
Dreams no longer come true.
This Cinderella is now alone
And missing both her shoes.

Now come walk through the woods with me
And see the cold stone stand:
Here lies the Princess Arabelle,
The fairest in the land.

Hey, Lizzie!

Well, I must say I'm an absolute sucker for rhyming poetry, since I can't do it myself that well, and I think you pulled it off. There were some parts in where the rhyming and/or the flow is off, I'm sure you already knew that. (And if you didn't, you should after reading the poem out loud.) I also liked how you told the story, and you didn't slip off track anywhere, so points for that, heh.

Don’t fall and break your glass slippers

Whilst fleeing through the wood.

Wrap yourself in cotton wool

And behave as ladies should.

This part itched me a little, because you switch the point of views. I mean, for most of the poem, you have "she" and in this part you change it to "you", which is a little funny, I think. Also, the first line is a bit too lengthy considering the flow, and "the wood" in the second line disturbed me, because I think "woods" is more often used and thus it sounds better than without the s. Of course, you probably made it for the rhyme, but it does sound a bit funny. Especially when you use both "woods" and "forest" later in the poem. And finally, is cotton wool a generally used term of something that you can wrap yourself? Because it might be just me and my lacking vocabulary, but I've never really heard of that.

The sound of pleasant music

Has long since disappeared,

From the regal ball she left behind,

Attacked by her worst fears.

Okay, so this is one of the parts in which the rhyme doesn't work. Also, the whole aspect of the music seems a bit strange, for I don't recall coming across with any music in this poem before that. So you could maybe consider rewriting this part completely?

Her handsome prince is calling her

But all soothing words have gone.

For he’s the one who hunts her down

Now the fairytale’s gone wrong.

Wishing cannot help her now,

And dreams no longer come true.

This Cinderella is now alone

And missing both her shoes.

I like the first four lines, and then in the last part the rhyming kind of fails again. =( The message of the stanza is good and clear, but the rhyming just ruins it in the end, so try to come up with something else for this.

For trapping maidens in emerald ropes

Is King Ivy’s greatest skill.

The first line is a bit too long again, and I was also left wondering why it was particularly the emerald ropes – and, by the way, shouldn't it be robes? Haha, I just realised it when I was writing that. But yeah, the emerald bit is what got me. Wouldn't it be better to change it to something less specific? I don't know, maybe it's just me again.


Anyway! Overall I enjoyed this poem, because like I said, I love rhyming poems and princesses and fairytales (especially fairytales ) so this was quite impressing. However, try to fix those rhyme and flow parts, because then I think you have a great chance in the contest.

Good luck!


Demeter
xxx

Hey,

My name is Sami. I just wanted to say that I loved your poem, similarly to Demeter, I love poems that rhyme and you did a very good job with your rhyming skills.

I also love the story behind your poem and that it was continuous throughout, so well done! I would also agree with Demeter when he said about the point of view in the second stanza. It does knock the flow off a little, but with a simple change of a word it should be fine!

Demeter pretty much pointed out the things I was going to point out but I wanted to comment anyway and say that your poem is great!

Keep Writing
Sami

Thanks for the comments guys!

I've made a few corrections and got rid of a few lines, but I still need to work on my rhyming

Happy

Hm. Ugh, well I just wrote you a review and then somehow the tab decided to close itself. I'm rather angry at that!


I like the unique direction you took the fairytale, it certainly made it stand out against a normal background of fairytale poetry.

One thing I noticed while reading your poem was that, while you did a good job with rhyming more or less, your rhythm was lacking and it hurt the flow of the poem.

Demons haunt her every step [7]
Beneath these stormy skies, [6]
After Prince Charming revealed himself [9]
To be a nightmare in disguise. [8]

Here's just an example. The numbers I've marked next to the lines are the syllables in each line, respectively. This is just a basic form of rhythm, but for me I find that rhyming poetry sounds better when the lines which rhyme (in this case the lines with six and eight) have the same number of syllables. To make it more complex, the lines would not only need the same amount of syllables but have the stressed and unstressed syllables in the same pattern. I only said that so you would know what it is, though. I find that to be terribly confusing and, honestly, only full comprehended it myself some months ago so I don't expect you to jump on the complex poetry bandwagon any time soon! What you can focus on, though, is getting the syllable count to match. It will make writing the poem harder, as you may be forced to rewrite lines entirely, but it will help the flow of the poem a lot.

The poison ivy guards the ground
And sneaks in for the kill,
For trapping maids in emerald ropes
Is King Ivy’s greatest skill.

I think this was one of my favorite parts (this and the last stanza) because it had great imagery, and you'll also notice the syllables match!

For me, this was a very unique poem but I felt like you didn't take it far enough. Of course, I'm the kind of person who would take something like this too far, so perhaps you need a happy middle. You talked a lot about the girl running, her missing shoes, crying for help. The only real proof you gave us of this beauty being a beast was that he's going to take her and kill her. To me, that left this poem weak. You leave us on the assumption that he is a terrible, horrible, dirty fellow, but I am rather unconvinced. I think I would have liked this poem more had it focused on the deeds of the prince, along with the fear of the princess, rather than the princess running, and then the quick jump to the fact that she is dead so we must really be terrified of the prince. Please don't take me wrong, it's all very beautiful imagery as it is, but I don't feel it has as much strength or grounding as it could. I want to see, through and through, how horrible this man is so that I, too, can be afraid of him. Can you prove his cruelty to me? Plus, it would give you a great chance to use imagery that isn't just of the eyes, which you worked with strongly. Instead you could play with sensory imagery, auditory, or olfactory imagery. All of this, in great measure, would strengthen your poem and give it a larger punch. Of course, like I said above, it'd be the kind of thing I'd do so my opinion may be swayed by my own morbidity. ^_~

Best of luck!

Thanks for the review Suzanne!

I've edited it again with it's new stanza.

Hey!!!!!!

I liked your poem! I love rhyming poems, and you made it seem so effortless. *tinges a little green* I wish I could do that.

Your rhythm did break in a couple of parts.

A princess should be mortified

In dress that has been torn,

Despite the fact she has to run

To live to see the dawn.

This is one example where your rhyming pattern broke.

Her handsome prince is calling her

But all soothing words have gone.

For he’s the one who hunts her down

Now the fairytale’s gone wrong.

This was my favorite part. It had a great imagery.

Overall, great job! Sorry, this wasn't a really helpful review, but I loved your poem.

Keep up the good work!

zOe

Hi there!

First off, I suck at poetry. So if anything I say is wrong, or you just feel like ignoring it, you go right ahead and do that. xD

Demons haunt every single step

Beneath these stormy skies,

Prince Charming has revealed himself

As a nightmare in disguise.

I think you should change it to
"Demons haunt every step"

To me, it sounds a bit better.

As Zoe pointed out, you did loose your rhythem once or twice, but I think she cleared that up. No need to repeat those things

The only real proof you gave us of this beauty being a beast was that he's going to take her and kill her. To me, that left this poem weak. You leave us on the assumption that he is a terrible, horrible, dirty fellow, but I am rather unconvinced. I think I would have liked this poem more had it focused on the deeds of the prince, along with the fear of the princess, rather than the princess running, and then the quick jump to the fact that she is dead so we must really be terrified of the prince.

I think Suzanne is absolutely right at this part. Besides for the prince wanting to kill her, you never said why he was so horrible.

Good job!

- Fraggle

wow
this was amazing i hope you win
hey could you read my poem and see what you think it's on narrative poetry too and it's called ' once opon a moonlit hour'.

Hello, I'm Carl, nice to meet you!
I really like the entire idea of this poem, reminds me a lot of The Brothers Grimm!

Okay, review time.

1st stanza- Wow, amazing opening, especially like this:
"Prince Charming has revealed himself

As a nightmare in disguise."

2nd stanza- Like the contrast of 'acting as ladies should' and the fact that she's running for her life.

3rd stanza- "The woods are out to get her" < Like that.

4th stanza- "Now the fairytale’s gone wrong." This is what reminded me of the Brothers Grimm!

5th stanza- I like the way that here we find out that she has killed somone, filling the blank about "her secret" in stanza 3. However, I think the rhyme between "Hilt" and "Guilt" doesn't work. I'm not sure why I think this but, I do!

6th stanza- "This Cinderella is now alone And missing both her shoes." Don't really understand this, I get the link to cinderella, and the link to stanza 2, but why is she missing her shoes, did he steal them, or cut off her feet? It just seems a bit odd.

7th stanza- Well, I don't think that there is anything to be said here, exellent ending!

Overall I really enjoyed this poem, great story told with nice rhyme and flow! A couple of bits that i think are woth changing but even as it is I think it is a very good poem!

Keep up the good work!

I thinks it's a really good poem, and i wish I could write like you! It paints a image in your head really well. You havn't let it string out for too long, and new things keep it interesting; so it keeps you wanting to read on. Your poem shows a clever use of punctuation, and has a very strong endind, which finishes the poem well. Although there are a few minor things you could change.

Demons haunt every single step

change this to 'Demons haunt her every step' It helps it flow better; before it had too many syllables.


Try not to break your glass slippers
Change this to 'Be careful: don't break your glass slippers' Do this for the same reasons as before. It also makes it sound and look more thought out.

Wrap yourself in cotton wool and

Change the line break to after wool. Same as before.
Do the same for in the next stanza, after her.

The woods are out to get her and



Of the forest’s dark abyss.
Just change 'of' to 'to'. Both make sense, but this seems to sound better.



Now the fairytale’s gone wrong.
Change this to 'For the fairytale's now gone'. With your version it makes you stumble over your words.



Behind her runs a swordsman prince,

Blade cutting through the trees,

His only motivation is

To bring her to her knees.

His piercing eyes search through the leaves,

Grip tightening on the hilt.

Nobody beats His Majesty

At killing without guilt.
You don't really need this verse at all; you've already explined that the prince is after her. That is the only bit of the poeem that drags on a bit. Although this verse is a good use of language.


Wishing cannot help her now,
You could add in 'Whilst' at the begining of the line. It provides a necessary syllable, and keeps the rythm strong.

Dreams no longer come true.
For the same reason as before: you could add in 'will' after 'longer'.

love this, I was waiting for someone to tell a story through anger against fairy tales. Well Done
There are lots of very inspiring and interesting lines but my favourite is
No body beats hie majesty
at killing without guilt.
It's kind of dark but also true.
A lot of people try to do takes on fairy tales and it ends up looking stupid, but you pull it off.
One tip is to work on punctuation and making the piece flow better.
Beside that, It's great.
Keep writing like you mean it

Vera