The Saviour Of Dust

Once upon a golden vale
Where heros win and villains fail
A boy did grow both big and strong
There is much more, but it's far too long

Galeth, his name as I've been told
Fought battles in the bitter cold
Forces held in each high hand
Scorching evil from the land

The years had passed, and all was still
Until the man grew gravely ill
His rival had cursed him by magic
Galeth would end, very tragic

The evil man wanted power
He liked to see the people cower
And into the Vale he did reign
By making sure Galeth was slain

The evil man they called the Thorn
Had made sure their hearts were duly torn
By making them slaves and selling their kin
His heart was so cold, no warmth was within

After Thorn had let Galeth burn
The people kept him, ash in urn
They threw his dust into a gale
Falling over all the vale

They remembered the hero of the vale
Not when he fell sick, gaunt and pale
But when he lifted all the sin
Letting only beauty in

When from above the Gods did stir
The Gods who watch o'er the pure
They seen the people in constant pain
And from their heart, their tears did rain

The rain had fell for days and days
No soft moonlight, no sun rays
Onto the ash the water did fall
Into the otherworld the Gods did call

Galeth was brought from death to life
From the cold Grim Reaper's scythe
And by the dead he learned to be
The greatest of all sorcery

The people cheered, and called his name
They were happy the hero came
But Thorn who was his rival see
Shook earth with his voice angrily

Galeth walked toward him so still
Thorn began to use his will
He tried to poison him with might
But Galeth would not give up the fight

Galeth raised his hands toward the sky
Lifting Thorn very high
The hero smiled and the evil man knew
He would ensure that he was through

Thorn's rule was over, his life was lost
But all was done for a cost
The hero who died, must die again
His will is done, but not in vain

Many years went by, in the vale
Rebuilding with both hammer and nail
A giant statue erected in gold
To remember the mighty hero of old

So that in the future they could be sure
That the land would stay both good and pure
Forever putting all their trust
Forever upon the Saviour of Dust

Wow. It's very difficult, for me at least, to write a poem like a story and keep it with correct syllables and rhymes which you did pretty well. I noticed "Vale" was capitalized when first mentioned but it never was again, so maybe that is a typo? Also, as I read I got confused with the syllables per line at times (its late and I can't think of any poety vocabulary so excuse my sad attempt at a review). But overall, I really enjoyed it. You have the honor of my first (cough-terrible-cough) review! Haha. Awesome poem.

This was good. I got the sense of a bard reciting this in like the Middle ages or something. I don't know, maybe I'm weird, or maybe that's what you intended it to be like. The punctuation needs work though. You do include some, so yay, but you need more than a few commas. It'll help the flow and make it easier for the reader to see where different thoughts begin and end. And one little thing:

Into the otherworld the Gods did call

Gods should be lowercase, since it's more than one and therefore nonspecific. Other than those two little things, good job!

This was a pretty interesting poem.
Not bad, my friend, not bad.
I never thought I'd like a poem like this, since old style kind of writing doesn't make much sense to me.
Though the moral was cliched, I like how you put a new spin on it.
The only thing I saw was "heroes" is misspelled in the first line.
But bravo man, bravo.

Alright...I'm stepping out. This is new to me, so...we'll see what happens. Hopefully I won't humiliate myself.

Stanza 1

The final line has 1 too many syllables. I recommend taking away "far".

Stanza 2

Line 2 felt a bit forced. It doesn't seem like a forced line, but it reads that way.

Stanza 3

The last 2 lines weren't in rhythm with the rest of the poem - try re-writing them a bit.

Stanza 4

Line 1 needs another syllable to be in rhythm.

Stanza 5

I'd take "duly" out of line 2 - it would improve the rhythm.

Stanza 6

I'd take "had" out of line 1 - it will help the flow and rhythm.

Stanza 7

The first two lines are a bit...off. They're off rhythm, and you repeat the ending of the previous 2 lines. I'd rewrite them.

Stanza 8

In line 3, I'd replace "constant" with "such". It will improve the rhythm.

Stanza 9

Line 4 is a smidge too long.

Stanza 10

All good here.

Stanza 11

Line 2 needs be cut down a syllable - perhaps replace "happy" with "glad".

Stanza 12

Line 4 is 1 syllable too long.

Stanza 13

Lines 1 and 2 are just...frankly, a bit of a mess. Line 1 is too long, and line 2 is too short. If you edit anything in this poem as a result of this critique, make it these lines. Going form too long to too short is going to crush you.

Stanza 14

The first two lines are a bit off. The third and fourth are good, rhythm wise. However, "again" and "vain" do not rhyme. They look that way, but they don't sound that way.

Stanza 15

Line 1 a bit too long. In line 2, I'd recommend replacing "both" with "the" - hammer and nail are a pair, so it's given that both are used.

Stanza 16

Lines 1 and 2 are the same length, but they're not the same as the lines in the other stanzas. I'd recommend shortening them.

***

Overall

I actually really liked this. I know the freakish amount of criticism makes it seem that I wasn't crazy about it, but I really did enjoy it. Make these edits, and your flow will be all good and you'll have a very nice poem here.