Young Writers Society

Muted glints, a sharp flash,
You’ve sold your life.
A voice announces ‘roll ‘em’
Criticism burns, you’re clumsy, unlucky.
The Director screams:
‘You’ll never work here. Get out!’
Is this cost of Hollywood?

A dazzle of parties,
the bubbles of champagne.
Clamouring fans, begging…
A cattle auction of people,
With saccharine smiles,
And chequebook lies.
"You're going to be big. Just sign here."

Your life a mess,
the paparazzi, the media.
Shooting with deadly celluoid,
while you drink it all way.
You’re standings fall,
they’ve taken a Raggedy Anne
and made a Barbie…
Plastic and false, was it all worth it?

Once it’s all lost,
They rip the beauty back,
vanity and pride, you’ve
Become like them.
You’ve become part of the
World of Cocaine parties
And scandals galore.
Well you wanted to shine...

----------------
Listening to: No Use For A Name - The Feel Good Song Of The Year
via FoxyTunes

I've already told you I know nothing of poetry, so don't expect this to be helpful. ;P

One thing I noticed: the punctuation is off. I don't know enough about it to fix it, but make sure you check that out and find someone who can help with it.

All right, my comment is this: it's a bit confusing. I think you should spend one stanza really highlighting how wonderful it SEEMS, and then go into the fact that it isn't as great as all that. You've kind of mixed it, and it's odd in a few places, making me need to reread.

Like here:

A dazzle of parties,
the bubbles of champagne.
Clamouring fans, begging
A cattle auction of people,
With saccharine smiles,
And chequebook lies.
Victims and slaves of the trade.

That's the one that really bugged me. I think it should be seperated more, just to make it a bit clearer.

Also, this:

Your beauty fails,
they've taken a Raggedy Anne
and made a Barbie

If your beauty fails, won't it be the other way around? Just look here again; it's a bit odd.

Overall, I love the theme. It made me think, but perhaps a bit too much. If you just showed the contrast a bit more, I'd love it.

Although, this is coming from a poetry idiot.

PM me with any questions, because you're bored, or if you want another review! (I must get stars...heehee)

~JFW1415

'Lo Vernon.

I'll be brief. I think you've an idea that might vivid, that could be shown distinctly and in a light so disgusting it would make one cringe.

But you haven't quite managed that. It's too much telling, da? And as far as poetry, your rhythm and assonance is barely there--when it is, it jerks, inconsistent and shifts from one line to the next.

Your life a mess,
the paparazzi, the media.
Who can you trust?
You’re standings fall,
Your beauty fails,
they’ve taken a Raggedy Anne
and made a Barbie…

An example, so: "Your life[comma] a mess" --well, yes, naturally. Yet the entire poem implies that. No need to say.

What does this bloody paparazzi look like? Do they follow like cobwebs? Are they tacks underfoot?

You might work on the Raggedy Anne image as well. It has potential, only at this point, it almost seems a side-thought, dropped in to wrap another stanza.


Ah, in the end then, tear it apart, and write it as you see and feel, yes? It has to be immediate, and as it is, 'tis passive and from a preacher's seat. I can hear it. But I can't see or feel it.








IMP courtesy of the Cabassi

I like you. You think like me.


Very good, I like the imagery.

Hey there

I love this poem, it's different from a lot of others.

I agree that you've done a lot of telling and not showing, but you've pulled it off really well, it gives the poem a lot of sophistication instead of drama.

'With saccharine smiles / And chequebook lies', these lines are great.

Nice work, keep it up

I agree with Imp in that it tells too much and is 'passive.' Still, I think my main problem with it is that it doesn't feel personal, which a poem in the second person must feel. It seems like the classic E! story of the rise and fall of a Hollywood star; they all follow the same pattern. And that's where the passiveness and the impersonal tone come across--why should this poem speak to us if we can get the exact same thing watching cruddy entertainment television, as I often do.

I did enjoy the line "a cattle auction of people"; it's a great image for the situation you're trying to portray.

-Colleen

It's good, almost made me give up my dream of acting, but then I remembered that I do theatre. Your style is good, I like the way you brought everything into focus without it becoming over baring.

I enjoyed it, it was showing a point. I liked it

I love this! It makes me not want to be an actress anymore. I'm going to college instead. Harvard here I come! LOL

Muted glints, a sharp flash, (juvenile line... I feel no description or passion in it, not a good begginning.)
You’ve sold your life. (this is on okay line but again, its really not very creative)
A voice announces ‘roll ‘em’
Criticism burns, you’re clumsy, unlucky. (.. this part just a) didnt flow, b) in actualy real paris hilton style hollywood.. its not like this at all. Totally unrealistic)
The Director screams:
‘You’ll never work here. Get out!’
Is this cost of Hollywood? (I just plainlly dislike this part.)

A dazzle of parties, ("dazzle" OMG WAS DEFINTLY NOTTTTTTTTTT THE RIGHT WORD TO USE HERE. Perhaps a normaler word like bushle may have been more appropriate?)
the bubbles of champagne. (juvenile.. cliche)
Clamouring fans, begging…
A cattle auction of people, (the words you picked do not suit the purpose and theme of this piece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
With saccharine smiles,
And chequebook lies.
"You're going to be big. Just sign here."

Your life a mess,
the paparazzi, the media.
Shooting with deadly celluoid,
while you drink it all way.
You’re standings fall,
they’ve taken a Raggedy Anne
and made a Barbie…
Plastic and false, was it all worth it?

Once it’s all lost,
They rip the beauty back,
vanity and pride, you’ve
Become like them.
You’ve become part of the
World of Cocaine parties
And scandals galore.
Well you wanted to shine...



Honestly, I just stopped giving my opinion. Every poet tries at least once to write on this topic... I dont know if u thought this was good enough to post here?
Well this was your attempt.

Honestly, overall I laughed at this.
It did NOT give the true hollywood to me.
No essence at all.
I doubt you have ever been there.
You clearly do not understand it.

It's a good idea to write about things we fully understand rather than what we have mental maps of. I'm sorry; this didn't do it for me.


Try harder next time. I sense potential.

Wow. This is amazing, Vernon. I love how you described in specific details about the gift and curse fame sets upon people. I love it. Very good job. Hands down, this is one of the best and perfectly written poems I read in a while. Keep up the awesome work.

-Rick.

My favorite parts, "muted glints, a sharp flash" and "cocaine parties."

I agree with tennisprincess. This poem reminds me of juvenile crap I used to write while listening to songs.

It has the elements of poetry, but the lines have been overused to a degree and are juvenile in general.

It's kind of like an outsider writing on things they do not know. It's okay to do, but essentially you're not there or have a grasp of it. Maybe you're talking about the appearance of the hollywood culture. I don't feel it though.

the last line fails to be impacting.

Using the imperative is actually a difficult thing to do well in poetry. The dialogue in this poem also felt episodic and more fitting to a short prose piece or short story.

"chequebook" is not necessary.

raggedy anne to barbie sounds interesting but is kind of lame. I don't understand what cattle auction of people means in the context of that stanze other than it sounds cool.

i would recommend if you wanted to revisit this topic to focus on a person or a single moment that reflect this idea of yours. A single celebrity perhaps? or a particular party?

Maybe even apply it to a smaller degree of being a celebrity. such as the popular kid in school.

Vernon,


This is mediocre at best. The sentiment is pedestrian and offers nothing new in the area of Hollywood's culture (or lack thereof) to stimulate the reader. The presentation as three strophes is, to my ear, a poor choice, and is compounded by some clumsy enjambment (the “people" from S2L4 to the "with" in L5, for instance). The clichés in S3 and S4 do an effective job of killing whatever interest might have been generated to that point and the close, as mentioned earlier, is pedestrian.

Other notes in line.


Your Soul to Hollywood $$$ (You'll Never Get It Back)

Muted glints, a sharp flash,
You’ve sold your life.
A voice announces ‘roll ‘em’
Criticism burns, you’re clumsy, unlucky.
The Director screams:
‘You’ll never work here. Get out!’
Is this cost of Hollywood?

** So you have a random scene with an unidentified addressee who turns out to be in Hollywood and a director hates him/her. Nonsense. Start by identifying the character and get on with the poem. Also, "is this cost of Hollywod?"--the question, as such, is grammatically unsound. That alone will kill most serious reader interest.

A dazzle of parties,
the bubbles of champagne.
Clamouring fans, begging…
A cattle auction of people,
With saccharine smiles,
And chequebook lies.
"You're going to be big. Just sign here."

** “cattle auction” is generally used in regards to cattle and to conjure images of brutality, not superficial human beings. If you want the image and metaphor of a cattle auction, you should develop it. If not, surely there are better words available.

Your life a mess,
the paparazzi, the media.
Shooting with deadly celluoid,
while you drink it all way.

** "Your life a mess, the paparazzi, the media"--there is nothing further that happens with either the media or the paparazzi, so why mention them? The third and fourth lines also make no grammatical sense: "it" technically refers to celluloid, but even if we drop the pretense of grammar, what exactly are we drinking away? Success? The shooting? The life as a mess, paparazzi and media?

You’re standings fall,

** You're should be your.

Joseph – this is simply not good poetry. I think the failure starts at the conceptual level:yYou don’t have much of interest to say in the poem. How many times do we need to hear about the godlessness of Hollywood, how it rips lives apart, and so on, before it becomes old hat? At least for this reader, you're going to need to push much farther than this effort.

My advice is to toss it and try something else.


Best,
Brad

I liked this, it has a point.
But I think the stanzas were kinda 'messed up'. Nevertheless, it's still good.