The Little Girl

The little girl looks up at the dark, night sky,
And sees a shooting star, closing her eyes.
Making her wish, she opens her eyes,
And sees the clouds pass through the moonlight.

She feels the cool, dry wind play with her long, black hair,
And her white dress creates ruffles that are easy to spot.
The swings around her eerily move, the sand sweeping the cement,
The stars disappearing with the moon itself, no light shown.

She hears a noise, jumping out of her thoughts,
And looks around, seeing nothing moving in the darkness.
She cries for her mommy and daddy,
But nothing is coming to help her, to save her from the terror.

She runs, runs away from the spot she was in,
And continues until she reaches the jungle gym near her.
She keeps looking around, trying to find something that’s there,
But nothing shows itself, nothing makes a sound.

She closes her eyes, hoping her fear would leave her body,
And she opens them, seeing demons surround her.
She’s trapped, no way out, no one to save her at the dead of night,
However, her screams are never heard, useless to anyone.

The demons claw at her, trying to reach her and get her,
But she clings onto the pole in the middle, crying her eyes out.
Scratches run down her back, blood pouring out from her wounds,
And she cannot look at them, not opening her eyes.

The wails of the demons pierce through her soul,
Their looks bring shivers up and down her spine.
The auras they bring forth suffocate her, unable to move,
And she continues to scream, hoping and praying.

Wounds continues to show on her skin, seeping through her dress,
The demons’ blood lusts continuing to rise by the seconds.
Her grip on the pole loosens more and more,
Until her arms drop to her sides, and she falls.

Her eyes begins to flutter, her breaths begin to shorten,
And the demons wails begin to grow silent.
Her eyes become a dark pit, nothing is in them,
The demons that surrounded her vanish into the night.

She looks up at the night sky, and sees the stars,
The noises joining the silent wind passing through.
She drifts away from the sky, and looks out towards the world,
And sees the evil all around, and there was nothing she could do.

She climbs out of the jungle gym, stumbling around the playground,
And a trail of blood follows her, pieces of her dress falling.
Back to her favorite spot, she looks towards her house,
She sees the back light flickering, growing dim.

She falls to her knees, her breaths growing lighter,
Bruises forming on her body, blood still spilling from her.
She plays with the sand around her one more time,
And feels the wind around her stop, the light burn out.

Her eyes close, her hair spread out all across the sand,
And her blood staining the ground below her.
Her soul begins to drift towards the sky, the Moon welcoming her,
And she is forever with the night, her wish granted.

------

Eh. I don't really know if I was trying to send a message or not! Either way... I liked this one. I liked trying to make a poem out of the idea I pulled out of thin air =D Any feedback? =3

Why is there a little girl outside at a play ground in the middle of the night!?

It started out good, and I thought I would like it but then it ventured off... kind of like your other, isn't it? Demons, shadows, same thing, they both attack, right?

But she clings onto the pole in the middle, crying her eyes out.

cliché

Well, I'm noticing a pattern in all of your poems. 1. you like to tell stories 2. you like making them long 3. you like using more words than needed, flooding us with words and bulking up the poem and making it sink.

I'm really not sure what I suggest? I read poetry, see how short things can hold so much still. (A lot of my poems are short, or have short verses.) Try writing a poem, pay distinct attention to word choice (like I've mentioned before) and to length. Try writing something with either rhythm, rhyme, or both. Both is tough, but fun!

The poem its self had some rather good stanzas that I liked, but over all it was just too bulky, too full and long. I know I'm particular to short poems, so really, I'm biased, but my opinion still helps, right?

I think that is all I'm going to say. If you would like any help on poetry, or would like me to explain more of what I have said, be my guest and PM me.

I did actually like this poem. Although it made me wonder whether the demons in it were actual demons or just metaphors for the evil in the world? I'm sorry if I missed the point It was a great poem. I felt really close to the little girl right from the start. Your poem gets the reader involved, makes the reader wonder about what's going to happen next and why the parents won't come when their child is calling.
I would love to give helpful advice but you obviously don't need it nice job.

My only complaint would be too many adjectives, especially in the second stanza. Also, it might involve the reader more if you told not only what someone watching the little girl would see while she's being attacked, but also what the little girl herself sees. Overall, I liked it alot (well, until the end, but that just made me sad )

It started off well. Whilst reading the first stanza I expected it to be a rhyming poem, but it petered out after that first verse. There seemed to be a bit of awkward rhyming afterwards, I don't know if that was intentional or it just happened that way. Certain pieces of it I thoroughly enjoyed 'cause the words conjured vivid images that sort of transported me to the outer edge of where your story's scene took place. Although there seemed to be too much repetition of words and it seemed to bog the story down, it was almost too descriptive in parts, if you took out some of those words you'd be looking at a better piece. I'm not trying to bring you down or anything, just giving my opinion, we all make mistakes, but nothing is perfect. Keep writing. Peace.

I think if you first figure out if there's a message or not you'll definitely be able to make this even better. If you don't know what you meant by this, how is your reader supposed to know? We can't really care about anything that's happening if you don't make us care, and I don't feel like you really did that or gave us a reason to. And anyway, I'm not sure if all the description in this was good or not because as is it read more like a story than a poem to me, though that might just be me. Over all though, this was a good poem because of the chilling imagery in it and the way everything was vivid. I think you could definitly transform this into an awesome write with a wee bit of work on it!!

Well, the poem is more of sentences than verses. I think you should work on making the line shorter so that they can be read with ease. The length of the lines should be equal too; I mean the meter of the poem should be followed.

The story is fine, thrilling, but at times, you’ve kept dragging things too much. It becomes repetitive at times. I believe that a good narrative poem should be able to tell a story within not too many lines.
I don’t mean too say that it shouldn’t exceed twenty lines (the no. of lines can be anything), just that each phase of the story must be brief yet thrilling. An example pops into my head, Robert Browning’s ‘My Last Duchess’. If you read it, you’ll understand what I mean. The poem is small but the things that happen in it is vast. Moreover, you’ve used the girl opening and closing her eyes too many times. Instead of using just that, you should use other actions that will show her fear.

I liked the setting of the poem.
and the subtitle "Don't Trust the Night" could be a better title

Oops, sorry I critiqued this before... well, I read it again, and here's what I have to add:

This stanza:
"The little girl looks up at the dark, night sky,
And sees a shooting star, closing her eyes.
Making her wish, she opens her eyes,
And sees the clouds pass through the moonlight."

At first appears like it should rhyme every line, but then... doesn't, and neither does the rest of the poem, really, so that was a little awkward. Also, "eyes" is used twice in quick succession, each time at the end of a line, so maybe find another way to say this to change it up a little bit.

Otherwise, it still sounds pretty ^_^

I really liked this poem. There were some parts that confused me, and left me wondering. I like writing like that. I was a little confused about what the message was here, and if there was one. I was also a little confused on whether this was reality or a fantasy world. It was long, but it told a good story. One of the phrases that stood out to me, that didn't quite fit was :

But she clings onto the pole in the middle, CRYING HER EYES OUT.

crying her eyes out just doesn't seem to fit in this poem. It seems to modern and this poem seems like an old memory. I think you could use something more old fashioned.

Any way I really liked it. It was cool, and creepy and keeps you thinking. Good job!

This poem confused me. Did she commit suicide? That's the impression I got, and it doesn't seem right because her age seemed very young in this poem-around 7, perhaps? You might want to clarify this by your choice of words in the poem. Use simpler language if it's a younger child, more sophisticated if older, etc.

Secondly, you used waaaaay too many adjectives. It got old, repetitive, and frankly, annoying, after awhile. Although it was pointed out before, the second stanza had the "doublers" in it (two adjectives describing every object).

Clean up the long-windedness of this poem. Personally, I think this would be better as a story. You have a thing for adjectives, and they fit much better in a story than in a poem.

Lastly, I think you need to put a bit more emotion into this. It didn't do anything for me, and I kinda skipped throughout the poem on a second read. Some of your choices of diction, such as:

And she cannot look at them, not opening her eyes.

Although I use double negatives myself in speech, it's not right in poetry. You can't not use proper grammar.

I suggest you read through your poem, especially aloud, and take out all the cliched images. Crying her eyes out? Saving her from the terror? Express this in a non-cliched way, in a way that makes not only yours, but the reader's heart wrench out of its proper place for the character in your poem.

One last thing: I always like to end on a positive note, so I must say I liked your voice. It has quaint...longness to it, if you will. It's flowy and all, but work on refining it. Nice job, and hope this helped!

I agree with Wiggy in that there are far too many adjectives in this piece; your verbs and nouns should be strong enough not to need descriptive phrases!

Also: this read like a story with linebreaks. Frankly, it would have been better as a story without linebreaks. This really isn't poetry. A poet choses stronger words, uses fewer words, condenses and intensifies. You just told a story, as you would any other way.