Young Writers Society

Deep within a chest of stone,
How lies a heart of gold?
To beat the pulsing blood throughout,
The cold and dreary bone.

There be no veins,
No vessels there,
To perhaps assist the flow,
So tell me how a marble man,
Could feel a love struck blow?

There'd be no way to reach a heart,
And thus to cause it injure,
Perhaps this is the reason why,
A man can be invincible.

And yet the thought falls heavily,
Like the stone into a lake,
Perhaps it is the lightest joy,
To be ever so mortal.
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I was thinking this would be the start of an epic poem, but then I got lazy and decided to let the opening speak for itself. Hopefully this one has more rhythm. The last stanza gets screwy though. I've tinkered with it a million times, but can't get it right

-tangerine

This is wonderful! I really liked it! The way you described it was simple, yet powerful. The picture is pulled clearly into the reader's mind. I especially liked the mental picture in the last stanza, about the stone in the lake. Very effective!

I am, I admit, rather sorry it ISN'T an epic poem! It sounds like epic material.

Keep it up! I truly enjoyed it!

Goldie

I liked it, it was written very simply, meaning that I could read it from start to finish with no complications.

Wait, hold that thought, in the lines,

"So tell me how a marble man.
Could feel a love struck blow?"

That full stop shouldn't be there, it cuts a perfectly fine sentence in half, it doesn't seem to fit, in my opinion.

One more thing. "Like stone into a lake," add an 'a' between like & stone.
Or perhaps, if I may, "Like a stone into the lake" Just a suggestion.

Back to my original thoughts, this piece also had a deeper meaning beyond the simplicity. I liked your idea of a man made of marble in the literary sense. I liked the comparisons that you used. The images, everything.

Keep the words flowing. Peace.

-Fabien