I am the Tornado

_ I started off as heaps of air; hot anger
_ and cold dreams, good and bad

Floating gently in the sky
watching the town below.

Then one day I split
up and down- then
whirled around.

A spinning column
of air - I
became

Calm and
goodness
trapped
inside,
a hurling
mass
of
destruction.

A horrid
addiction rose
from within,
to crush
and kill
and blow away
all who lay
in my path.

Whirling,
spinning,
flying
across and
through
the roads
and houses-

then

my
strength
drains,
clouds
disperse,
air
slows;

a
last
breath
of wind
then
D
e
a
t
h

I think it's a good poem, but the breaks and puncuation are all wrong. The begginning was fine, but than it didn't make much sense. You need more puncuation in the end and your spacing is all wrong. Fix those things you'll have a nice poem.

Oh my goodness! Is this a shape poem? SHAPE POEMS!

Sorry if it's not a shape poem, but it sure looks like a tornado profile. Ooh, center it.

Sorry for the slightly ditzy comments displayed above. I'm not much for critiques today. Anyway...I would take out the world evil. Sounds silly, all the time, not just in your poem.
Perhaps change "Dead" to "Death" at the end?

Sorry I couldn't say anything else.
Colleen

does it relate to anything? I'm just wondering. I mean, does the toranado mean anything besides a tornado? Am i confusing you?

I kind of liked this, but a couple things:

1. I wouldn't describe a force of nature as evil, since it really doesn't have any intentions, if you know what I mean. But you are anthropomorphizing it, so I guess it's somewhat appropriate.

2. Some spelling and grammar errors. "I" instead of "i," "addiction" instead of "adicction," etc.

Also, cadmium's right, it looks like a shape poem. Nice.

Prokaryote

Omg, I love shape poems! XD
Like Cadmium said, center it por favor!

I like the way you spelled out Death at the end, but my favorite part was stanza 6.

Anyways, I liked it. Good work.

*is dizzy*

Wow, this isn't normally the kind of poem I go in for, but I really enjoyed it, Lottie! I especially liked the way you split up the letters of "death" at the end--very nice touch, and your word choices are very good.

Ah! You've captured the emotions and thoughts of a tornado! Bravo! I would have thought they'd be a bit more dizzy.

I like your choices of words. Very good!

Good job! I didn't really like the line breaks, until I saw that THEY LOOKED LIKE A TORNADO TOO!

Like this

--------------------------------
------------------------
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------
--
-

Wow, this is the first shap poem I'm reading and boy is this exciting!!

Well done, I enjoyed the small phrases cum lines they give a quick rhythm to th epoem which suits it really well as it deals with tornado!

I too think that the last word should be dead. i mean you mean to tell us that the tornado dies after a last tbreath. right?

Thanks you everyone!
this is the only poem I wrote that anyone here liked!
Charlotte
*feels proud for a few seconds*

Hey Char!

Sorry to burst your bubble (or tornado? ^_~), but this didn't do much for me.

Basically, it was a description of wind. Yeah, nice. Anyone can do that. You need to probe further so to find the emotions of the tornado. A thing I've been realizing more and more is how important imagery, meaning, and feeling are. This (to me) was little more than bland description. In a few stanzas, such as the one about crushing, you had the emotions thing on the surface. Dig deeper. Your title is excellent, and can ferment a whole growth of whirling emotions in your piece.

Crit aside, the shape poem was awesome!!!! I didn't realize it till the end either--very clever!

Best of luck!

Wiggy

I enjoyed it quite a lot. You described what a tornado is like quite well (I watch the Weather Channel for pleasure, so I've seen a lot of footage). Wiggy has a point, though. It is a sort of description rather than emotional poem (which is fine, because a poem can be whatever a writer wants it to be), and it has potential to be even better if you delve into the feelings of the tornado. What does a tornado actually feel as it's forming, as it's destroying, as it's dying? My advice to you- Be the tornado.

I really liked this poem; very descriptive and I loved that you made it into a "shape poem".

However, I would center the poem so that it looks more like a tornado...

Otherwise, the poem was excellent.

Love the line,
"a
last
breath
of wind
then
D
e
a
d."

Nice work!

it is a nice poem. I thought you were a little to direct. It's good to use metaphors and such to make the reader look past the words. You want it to mean more than just it's face value.

Maybe try and use emotionaly content to symbolize the swirling air, Like hot anger, depressed cold.