Thirty Three Days Chapter 2

31 days

I had been wide eyed and flat on my back for over two hours when I heard the muffled blaring from Phil’s room up the hall. After only a moment Phil silenced the alarm then his door creaked open. I heard the morning show presenting news stories; at first quiet then it grew in volume, finally I heard the distinct whine of the treadmill and inevitable regular thuds of Phil’s morning jog.

I can’t remember going to bed; I had managed to get down to my underwear though. The sun was just starting to crease through the blinds and I guessed it was probably a little before 6am. I stayed in bed but stretched to the ultra-modern dresser for my iphone. On my travels I had left it behind and when it lit up I found a handful of missed calls sporadically placed over the course of my trip. Along with a few text messages and updates for apps.

I read the messages then dropped my phone and turned over; the thought of sleep was enticing but I couldn’t drift off. I just wasn’t tired; it was after all almost lunch time in Thailand.
For an hour I laid still, air-con blasting, sheets disheveled. The whine of the treadmill was replaced by the grind of the blender then eventually came the pouring shower and the slamming front door. I slipped out from beneath the heavy blankets fetched a towel and had a long shower. Although I had bathed throughout Asia I hadn’t felt clean. The filth of the barren streets and the gritty beach sand was engrained in my pours. I let the water get hot, as hot as I could bare and I scrubbed at my skin. Then I trimmed by beard down to stubble.

I caught up on the latest stories on CNN and scoffed down my dry bran flake cereal. Then I noticed something folded on the bench.



I picked up the two crisp fifty dollar bills Phil had left and felt like leaving them. I didn’t want to live off his hand outs for ever but I quickly realised he was right; travel had left me bone dry. I also found beneath the cash a spare key card for the room. I opened my laptop to find Skype was still open and Dad’s missed calls were glaring. I decided to put off calling him if I was going to video call him I would have a haircut first.

I checked Facebook. I had one new message from Kate and before I read it I took a moment to check if she had uploaded any photos from our trip to find nothing.



I almost felt guilty. I wanted Kate to be happy but I wasn’t sure if I could make her happy. Something echoed from the message – ‘I clearly misread the signals’ what signals? I wasn’t blind, I saw her beauty but were there signals at all? I sat for an hour idly browsing and occasionally rereading Kate’s message – contemplating a response.

I felt a little weak, helpless almost as though any direction I tread I was going to hurt her I decided not to respond just yet. I spent about ten minutes on the treadmill then pushed for another ten, pushed as long as I could until the burning in my chest broke me mid stride me. I wanted to stretch but I could barely stand and my sides ached with stich so I fell into submission on the couch. Got to get back in shape.

Before I left the building I snatched the spare key card and one of the crisp fifty dollar bills. The city was the usual bustle of suits. Occasionally from an alley or corner emanated the distinct ammonia of urine; Canada's homeless population found themselves on the streets of Vancouver, too avoid the crippling chill of the other cities.

I hadn’t called ahead but I knew an unscheduled haircut wouldn’t be too much to ask on a Wednesday afternoon.

My plump barber was snipping away at the grey hair of a suited man when I entered. He paused still and turned as the bell over the door rang. His smile beamed gold and white then he raised his eyebrows.
“Rocky!” He called, “Man you’re looking tanned.”
“Ah thanks Cam, thought I better get you to clean me up before I go back to work”
“Take a seat” Cam’s wife Kat, got up and signalled to the vacant seat in front of the mirror.
“Wait dear I’ll sort him out. You’re not in a rush Rocky?” Cam was a hockey fan and close friend of my coach. He had watched me play for a few years and relished in the hockey gossip and besides I really had nothing better to do.
“No its fine, I can wait.”

Cam was jolly, if I hadn’t known him so well I would doubt whether he really was a barber; with faded tattoos of a navy vet and the thick jaw of a brawler. The haircut commenced moments after the suit had left the chair.

The pace of his snipping seemed to reflect the level of gossip in the conversation – First I told him about Asia then I talked about rumoured professional player trades and his scissors would furiously snip and whirl around my head and, at times, they would dance uncomfortably close to my ears. Then, when conversation slowed, he reeled it back in; he would step back, cross his wide arms over his broad chest and study my hair in the mirror then continue. He mentioned try outs. My coach decided that this year he would hold a try out game for placement into ‘The huskies’ – my club.
“You never know Paul might be expecting you to try out and you don’t want to get on his bad side.”
I had been a first line player for the team for five years, I’m sure I didn’t belong in the try out game.
“Yeah I guess I could go along, I was planning on giving him a call this afternoon anyway.”
Cam stopped. He pulled the clippers away from the hairline on my neck. He stared at me in the mirror. His broad figure dwarfed me; despite his kind nature, he could cast a shape that was nothing short of intimidating.

I stared back.

“You know Rocky, Paul’s not going to be coach anymore another guy is taking over when the season arrives. He’s moving into a role with the NHL and his confidence in a player might be as good as a contract,” I knew where this was going. My face felt warm and in the mirror; I could see red rising through the tan of my cheeks. Cam’s words seemed to linger like bad breath. “I mean your backs all fixed now and if you work hard this season you could have another sh-”
“I don’t think so Cam.” I tried not to meet his eyes in the mirror but I couldn’t look at mine. My palms felt moist. The words had come out cold, colder than I would have liked but I didn’t want to hear it I didn’t want to hear about ‘potential’ or the pros or any of it.
“Sorry Rocky I just meant-“
“It’s fine Cam I know what you mean, I just don’t think it’s going to happen.” I liked Cam and felt a little self concious about how cold my voice came out.
He brushed the loose hair off my shoulder. “All done. How’s that?”
“Much better thanks Cam.” I paid, tipped the change - the notes as well, and told Cam I would see him at the trials.

By the time I got home I was feeling tired. I made my bed, checked my new look in the mirror checked out what was on T.V.
“Wow good to see you downstairs and ready to go.” Phil joked as he deliberately dropped his duffel bag from high close to the couch.
I woke, blinked, focussed then cleared my cheek of drool with my shoulder.
“What’s the time?”
“Almost eight, you still want to grab a beer?”
“Yeah sure I’ll grab an OJ with you,” I joked; Phil knew I didn’t drink and whenever he invited me out he would ask for a beer – just one of his long running jokes.

My stomach felt tight and I realised I had barely eaten all day so we decided to grab a meal. Phil, as a rule, doesn’t eat carbs after seven and that’s all I eat all the time so for tonight he indulged in a meal of pasta at Louis’, our local Italian joint.
“So how’s the old man.” I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. Call dad, Call dad, Call dad one thing to do today. Phil glared at me, quickly read my expression and practiced his serious voice again. “Make sure you call him tomorrow. Rocky I’m serious.”
“Alright I promise, tomorrow.”
The mood lightened. I had deliberately taken my camera along and shared with Phil the photos from the trip. He was in a good mood and finished less than half of his spaghetti, the rest I gladly slurped down.
I would take care of it all tomorrow.

The second thing I noticed about this piece is how realistic it sounds. From the little notes in the beginning to the dialogue with the barber, the flow of conversation sounds like it would in real life. The first thing I noticed was the title. Granted, I haven't yet read the first chapter or any of the others, but the title sounds a bit silly to me. I predicted the piece would be humorous based on the title. Maybe I would understand it after reading more of the story. But you might want to look into that.
Additionally, the beginning is a bit bland. I go through the waking-up ritual every morning, so it's s little boring to read. My advice to you would be to only write things that will advance the plot. Or, you could add some unique qualities to the scene to make it more interesting.
All in all, it is a good start and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

Hell,
Thank you for a review request! I haven't read chapter one, but after this I just may. For the majority of my review I will pick out grammar mistakes then I will give you an overview of what I thought about your piece. Onward :

I had been wide eyed and flat on my back for over two hours when I heard the muffled blaring from Phil’s room up the hall.

There should be a comma after hours because when I heard muffled... is a dependent clause, and it's attatched to an independent clause. To separate them and put a place for the reader to pause there should be a comma.

After only a moment Phil silenced the alarm then his door creaked open.

This sentence is a little confusing. If you want to keep it the way it is you should add a comma after moment and a comma after alarm, but I suggest highly that you switch around the sentence so that the meaning is clearer. Something like: After a moment of listening to the alarm he silenced the alarm, and his door creaked open. Truthfully, him silencing the alarm and the door creaking open have nothing to do with each other, so maybe they should be two different sentences.

I had managed to get down to my underwear though.

Does he sleep nude?

The sun was just starting to crease through the blinds and I guessed it was probably a little before 6am.

There should be a comma after blinds because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. Conjunctions (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) are used after a comma to combine complete sentences with similar ideas together.

On my travels I had left it behind and when it lit up I found a handful of missed calls sporadically placed over the course of my trip.

There should be a comma after behind because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Along with a few text messages and updates for apps.

this is not a complete sentence because there is no verb, add a verb to the sentence or combine it with the sentence above it.

the thought of sleep was enticing but I couldn’t drift off.

There should be a comma after enticing because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

it was after all almost lunch time in Thailand.

There should be a comma after was and after all because the phrase after all is interupting your complete sentence.

For an hour I laid still, air-con blasting, sheets disheveled. The whine of the treadmill was replaced by the grind of the blender then eventually came the pouring shower and the slamming front door. I slipped out from beneath the heavy blankets fetched a towel and had a long shower. Although I had bathed throughout Asia I hadn’t felt clean. The filth of the barren streets and the gritty beach sand was engrained in my pours. I let the water get hot, as hot as I could bare and I scrubbed at my skin. Then I trimmed by beard down to stubble

I love the description here! Bravo

I know travelling can leave you broke so I have left you some pocket money strictly for a haircut and food.

There should be a comma after broke because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction so.

I didn’t want to live off his hand outs for ever but I quickly realised he was right; travel had left me bone dry.

1)There should be a comma after ever because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.
2)Forever is one word.
3) Realized is spelled with a z
4) I love the personification! My favorite part of gramar. (Travel is not a human, but is doing a human action by leaving you broke )

I also found beneath the cash a spare key card for the room.

You use the word also alot. It's like you are telling us a story and you keep adding details with the word also in front of them; be careful of that.

I decided to put off calling him(semi-colon) if I was going to video call him(comma) I would have a haircut first.

This is a run-on sentence. There should be a semi-colon (;) after him, and a comma after after the second him.

I had one new message from Kate and before I read it I took a moment to check if she had uploaded any photos from our trip to find nothing.

there should be a comma after Kate because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

P.S. There were grammar mistakes in Kate's message, but i figured since it was suppose to be a facebook message that it can look sloppy, but if you want to know what the mistakes were feel free to ask.

I wanted Kate to be happy but I wasn’t sure if I could make her happy.

There should be a comma after happy because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

I wasn’t blind, I saw her beauty but were there signals at all?

The comma after blind should be a semi-colon (;) and there should be a comma after beauty.

I felt a little weak, helpless almost as though any direction I tread I was going to hurt her I decided not to respond just yet.

There should be a semi-colon(;) after her because this is a run-on sentence.

I wanted to stretch but I could barely stand and my sides ached with stich so I fell into submission on the couch.

there should be a comma after stretch because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but. Replace the and after stand with a semi-colon, so that this isn't a run-on sentence. I vaguely remember looking at chapter one, so I will assume that you meant to say my side ached with each stitch, as in having stitches. What it says right now doesn't make sense.

I hadn’t called ahead but I knew an unscheduled haircut wouldn’t be too much to ask on a Wednesday afternoon.

There should be a comma after ahead because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

Cam was jolly, if I hadn’t known him so well I would doubt whether he really was a barber; with faded tattoos of a navy vet and the thick jaw of a brawler.

The semi-colon after barber should be a comma because the latter is not a complete sentence because there is no verb.

“You never know Paul might be expecting you to try out and you don’t want to get on his bad side.”

There should be a comma after out because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I had been a first line player for the team for five years, I’m sure I didn’t belong in the try out game.

The comma after years should be a semi-colon because both sides are complete sentences.

“Yeah I guess I could go along, I was planning on giving him a call this afternoon anyway.”

The comma after along should be a semi-colon because these are both complete sentences. a complete sentence has a subject and a verb. When you combine two sentences that each have a subject and a verb you have to use a semi-colon. A comma is ussed to combine an independent clause from a dependent clause. A dependent clause is lacking either a verb or a subject.

I made my bed, checked my new look in the mirror checked out what was on T.V.

There should be a comma after mirror because you are making a list of three things.

My stomach felt tight and I realised I had barely eaten all day so we decided to grab a meal.

1) There should be a comma after tight because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.
2) Realized is spelled with a z.

Overall I really liked the tone of this chapter, and I will be sure to read chapter one. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask!

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hai! Sorry I wasn’t able to get this sooner; I had work and then the new trailer for Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows came out... Anyway! You mentioned about getting this published, so I’m going to be—well, not as harsh as I can, because that borders on the psychopathic, but extremely critical, as per your request. ^_^

31 days

I’m not sure what this is? 31 days until something happens, 31 days after something happened?

On my travels I had left it behind and when it lit up I found a handful of missed calls sporadically placed over the course of my trip. Along with a few text messages and updates for apps.

It would flow better if that last sentence was joined onto the first one. A few text messages and app updates—are they really important, in the grand scheme of the story? Not really. If it’s not important and not going to stick around to do great things, then don’t give it its own sentence. It’s like if someone’s coming to stay—if they’ll be in your house (story) for a while, then you make more effort to make them feel comfortable; give them their own room, plan the menu around them. If they’re just passing through and not likely to come back again, they can sleep on the sofa and eat cornflakes like everybody else.

I just wasn’t tired; it was after all almost lunch time in Thailand.

“After all” is a parenthesis, so it should be bookended by commas. It would be better if you had it come first after the semi-colon. “I just wasn’t tired; after all, it was almost lunchtime in Thailand.” Read the two different structures out, and I think you’ll find switching the word order has a better rhythm.

The whine of the treadmill was replaced by the grind of the blender then eventually came the pouring shower and the slamming front door.

I think this is passive voice, and as such, it reads a little backwards. The first part about the treadmill and blender you can keep, but the shower and the door are too much. They’re too much the same; passive voice, “____ing noun”. Try and mix it up. You could say something like, “The whine of the treadmill was replaced by the grind of the blender; eventually I heard Phil singing to himself in the shower and the slam of the front door as he left the house”. That’s just a very rough example, and it doesn’t feel quite right because it still has the passive voice. I don’t know if Phil does sing in the shower, but I was trying to keep your original rhythm and it needed something in the middle to fill it out.

The filth of the barren streets and the gritty beach sand was engrained in my pours. I let the water get hot, as hot as I could bare and I scrubbed at my skin. Then I trimmed by beard down to stubble.

You have quite a few spelling mistakes like this throughout. What are they called, homophones? Words that sound the same but don’t mean the same thing, like bough and bow but not the same as ship and boat...

Pours = pores

Bare = bear

This goes on for rather a long time, and I must admit that I’m a tiny bit bored. Unless he has an amazing skin care regime, it shouldn’t take him four paragraphs to get out of bed.


Also, wait, what? He’s called Rocky? Like the biscuit? o_O

I opened my laptop to find Skype was still open and Dad’s missed calls were glaring.

I find it’s traditional for things to be glaring at something. Saying that his Dad’s calls were glaring feels incomplete. I’m not very enamoured of Rocky at this point. Why doesn’t he like his Dad? So far he’s given me no reason to sympathise with him on this, and it really is his defining feature.

I decided to put off calling him if I was going to video call him I would have a haircut first.

You’re very lacking in punctuation here. I think it should go something like, “I decided to put off replying for a while longer. If I was going to video call him, I would have a haircut first.” This way you don’t have the repetition of “him” and “call”.

Hey Rocky,
First off thanks sooo much for chaperoning me through Asia! I couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else it waz great… I know its hard to keep in touch and catch up, with you living in the city and me at home but I will get in next week for our coffee date Now to what I really wanted to say…
I’m so so so sorry about what happened in Hong Kong I obviously misread the sitch. I wanted to talk about it but didn’t want to make it awkward. You’re a great guy and the one person who always hugged me and cheered me up when my other relationships failed and I guess I just felt an urge but like I sed I clearly misread the signals
anyway I look forward to seeing you next week did we make it Tuesday? Call me to confirm!
Kate xoxoxo

I haven’t been on Facebook in about a million years, so forgive my ignorance, but is this a private message or something on his Wall? (You have a Wall in Facebook, right?)

I almost felt guilty.

Why only almost? Kate likes him, he doesn’t like her back; in effect, he’s making her unhappy. I know it’s not his fault, but still.

I spent about ten minutes on the treadmill then pushed for another ten, pushed as long as I could until the burning in my chest broke me mid stride me.

Typo?

I wanted to stretch but I could barely stand and my sides ached with stich so I fell into submission on the couch.

Stich = stitch.

Occasionally from an alley or corner emanated the distinct ammonia of urine; Canada's homeless population found themselves on the streets of Vancouver, too avoid the crippling chill of the other cities.

Wrong word. This too means “as well as” or “too much”. You need “to”.

My plump barber was snipping away at the grey hair of a suited man when I entered.

I’m not sure if the problem here is too much description or the way it’s worded. Details about the customer mean we get a picture of the scene (which is good) but the wording is awkward. Passive voice! I think it’s passive voice again.

He paused still and turned as the bell over the door rang.

If he pauses, he’s going to be still. Nix the bolded word.

“Rocky!” He called, “Man you’re looking tanned.”

When you have a dialogue tag like he said or she said connected with dialogue that’s gone before, you always always always always always begin it with a small letter.

“Take a seat” Cam’s wife Kat, got up and signalled to the vacant seat in front of the mirror.

As you don’t have a tag, here you should end the dialogue with a full stop.

“No its fine, I can wait.”

Wrong its. This its is the possessive; you want “it’s” with the apostrophe, which is short for “it is”.

Cam was jolly, if I hadn’t known him so well I would doubt whether he really was a barber; with faded tattoos of a navy vet and the thick jaw of a brawler.

You have information here, but it’s in the wrong order. Read it out loud and you can see that it doesn’t make sense. You say Cam’s jolly, Rocky doesn’t think he looks like a barber, then you have a semi-colon and a bit of description that isn’t connected to Cam or anyone at all.

I had been a first line player for the team for five years, I’m sure I didn’t belong in the try out game.

This is a run-on sentence. The comma isn’t strong enough to support the two parts of the sentence, so you should reword the sentence. Try changing it to “and I was sure”, as you switch tenses there.

“You know Rocky, Paul’s not going to be coach anymore another guy is taking over when the season arrives. He’s moving into a role with the NHL and his confidence in a player might be as good as a contract,” I knew where this was going.

Punctuation, mon brave. You should either have a semi-colon or start a new sentence after “anymore”. The dialogue must be ended with a full stop, and the narration should start a new paragraph.

“I mean your backs all fixed now and if you work hard this season you could have another sh-”

You need an apostrophe to make that “back is”. Without an apostrophe, it’s the plural of backs.

I liked Cam and felt a little self conscious about how cold my voice came out.

Should be “self-conscious”.

“Much better thanks Cam.”

You need a comma after “better”.

By the time I got home I was feeling tired. I made my bed, checked my new look in the mirror checked out what was on T.V.

You need a comma and an “and” after “in the mirror” so it flows better.

“So how’s the old man.” I closed my eyes and let out a sigh.

I’m not sure who’s saying this. I’m guessing it’s Rocky, but his sighing makes it sound like in response to Phil asking it.

Call dad, Call dad, Call dad one thing to do today.

You don’t need those capital Cs, and I think you missed out a word. It should read “Call dad, call dad, call dad. Just one more thing to do today”.

---

Hi!

Well, if you’re serious about getting published, then your grammar and spelling need to drastically improve. Half the time you use the wrong word and your lack of grammar makes it difficult sometimes to know what’s happening. Grammar’s there for a reason. If you change one comma, it can change the whole meaning of a sentence.

Thusly: “Let’s eat grandma!” vs “Let’s eat, grandma!”

You use a lot of passive voice, which means that this doesn’t flow as well as it could, and while you aren’t telling as much, I still don’t feel like I know any of your characters very well. I couldn’t pick them out in a line-up, and for me, characters are one of the most, if not the most important part of any story. Try some of the character answer games in Writing Activities. topic52989.html and topic20552.html are some good ones.

PM me if you have any questions!

–twit

Hey again! So it's the weekend for me (I work rotating shifts) which means you get your second review! Let's take a look shall we?

Initial Impressions

The section before that first letter from Phil is rather dull. I'm sure you could trim a little fat from there to make it less mundane and get to the meat of the story earlier. Maybe add a few more visuals to hold your reader's interest.

Your punctuation is a little off. Have a good read through and add some more commas to make it easier to follow. You're also missing a couple of full stops.

Then the letter. It reads like its been written by a woman. It's mumsy and I was really surprised to find that it was from Phil. I think you need to make it a little less precise and more colloquial. The Kate letter is much better! It's a great improvement on her dialogue in the last chapter, really nicely done.

Excitement

There's some good tones and dialogue going on here but this was a lot less exciting than the first chapter. It would benefit greatly from some more suspence and fore-shadowing. Like you never once mention the wound he got from the dog but that's surely one of your biggest plot lines? You should keep the audience aware of it! The chapter's a little too calm otherwise.


That's everything I have for this part. Will get to the last chapter in about a week,

Heather xxx