Young Writers Society

Crescendoing colors burst from beneath his eyes;
it was like he'd been staring at the sun for a decade,
though he was still only nine. Everything burst with light,
too hazy-glazy for him to see properly, but...
it was beautiful.

Cancer had taken his eyes-- had eaten away at the sight
of spring flowers and firetruck toys. But now,
now GOD had happened. That's what mommy has
whispered to him at least, tucking him into the hospital bed.
The linens were rough on his skin, and
he wondered if they were the medicine, if they would
scratch out the blindness through his arms and his legs and his feet.

But then, the doctor stood over him. He could feel the boom
of heavy feet and hear the swish of robes
and dread settled into his little heart. It quivered
and pumped and there was a mechanical beep over to his right.

They pulled on the tubes, leeching from his skin, and
he almost yowled in pain. He could still smell his mother's perfume though,
right next to him. Best to be brave.
After a moment, the tugs subsided into relaxation, into
something heavier than normal sleep, into... darkness.
He did not dream.

But when he woke up, the world was bright and the world
had color and he could do nothing with his new eyes but cry.




Thanks for reading!

Keep it!

Most definitely keep it. I'm normally too cynical for poetry but what you've written here is awesome.


Imma go creep the rest of your work now.

Persephoneia wrote:Crescendoing colors burst from beneath his eyes; Great.
it was like he'd been staring at the sun for a decade, Not sure what this is supposed to accomplish. I don't feel any particular emotion after reading this line, nor experience any vivid imagery.
though he was still only nine. Everything burst with light, Not sure about this line either. The first part really just didn't seem to fit, and the second part sounded a bit cliched.
too hazy-glazy for him to see properly, but... Though I know that this is a common technique of yours, I think it would be cool if you replaced the dash with a comma. That could just be me.
it was beautiful.

Cancer had taken his eyes-- had eaten away at the sight How about "at his sight,"
of spring flowers and firetruck toys. But now, ...and then you could replace the "of" at the beginning of this line with "at."
now GOD had happened. That's what mommy has This line needs thorough reworkage. I could almost hear the atmosphere shattering as I read this.
whispered to him at least, tucking him into the hospital bed. Hmm. This is too "grammatically correct" for poetry, if you know what I mean.
The linens were rough on his skin, and Doesn't flow well.
he wondered if they were the medicine, if they would That's a weird comparison.
scratch out the blindness through his arms and his legs and his feet. Excellent.

But then, the doctor stood over him. He could feel the boom "Stood" is a bit bland...how about "loomed," or something along those lines? Also, I don't like "boom." It's too basic. Too unimaginatively onomatopoeic. It's just a personal foible of mine to not like onomatopoeias, but I would consider revising this.
of heavy feet and hear the swish of robes Replace "and hear" with a comma. Again, not a huge fan of "swish."
and dread settled into his little heart. It quivered You use "and" twice in the first sentence. Also, the whole "dread" thing is somewhat cliched.
and pumped and there was a mechanical beep over to his right. Uh...what? Firstly, there should be a comma between "pumped" and "and," and secondly, I have no idea what you're trying to mean by "mechanical beep."

They pulled on the tubes, leeching from his skin, and Fabulous.
he almost yowled in pain. He could still smell his mother's perfume though, "Yowl" sounds extremely weird. Actually, I'm not sure I like the whole part that preceded the period. And toss the "though."
right next to him. Best to be brave. Don't think you can just decide spontaneously to be brave. Plug in more emotion here.
After a moment, the tugs subsided into relaxation, into Nice.
something heavier than normal sleep, into... darkness. Don't need "normal."
He did not dream. Okay, I wouldn't call that "relaxation."

But when he woke up, the world was bright and the world The repeat of "world" is somewhat odd.
had color and he could do nothing with his new eyes but cry. Perfecto.

Wow! You should definitely keep this, Perse. It's great. Love the emotion.

-Kafka

I love this. Please keep it! Maybe even extend it or write a second one from the mother's point of view, maybe God's. I loved this, great job!

Pretty good! Keep it up!