Young Writers Society

Hey, guys... Lol. Please review! Thanks.

Once I said I loved you
Boy, I must have lied
Regarding to Corinthians 13
What I feel is nothing alike

What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
There's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed

And I write this on my hand 
Not in paper, like I would 
Because I don't want dry teardrops to remind me
That these eyes have cried because of you 

And all I can do is wait here 
Hoping with what is left 
That the saying “Love lasts forever” 
Is false and burns in flames

Because this heart still loves you 
With every single cell 
And if fire would change that 
I swear, by now it would be burned

Hey Sol! This is an interesting poem and you paint a picture well with it. I like the placement of the bible verse, (thank you for including a link) it was an interesting touch. There is one issue for me, however:

What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
What I feel is there's no worst feeling
Than feeling betrayed

The area in red should be worse. If you wanted to include the word worst, you could say This is the worst feeling or something along those lines. Also, the repetitiveness of this whole part feels out of place for me, like there should be some difference in there, not 'What I feel is...' over and over. As a whole, I like the poem a lot. Keep writing!

Really great poem! I enjoyed reading it.

There's just one thing that kind of sticks out for me

And I write this on my hand
Not in paper, like I would
Because I don't want to remember
This eyes have cried because of you.
"This" should be "these"

Other than that, the poem was really well written.
Keep writting!

Thanks!

Hey Solvalery,
Thank you for asking me to review this excellent poem! I think that your poem has a good length and the wording is unique.

And I write this on my hand
Not in paper, like I would
Because I don't want to remember
These eyes have cried because of you

That's by far my favorite stanza. Dont change it.
The one criticizm I do have is that I think that you should rework this line:

Is false and gets written again

For some reason, I don't like it. I think it's because you have too many syllables in it.
Thanks again, and if you need any more reviews, let me know.
-Alex

You seem to like to write love poems. This is a great poem. I don't see any mistakes anymore.

But the line "These eyes have cried for you" was kind of random. Random as in, how does not wanting to remember this person be involved in eyes crying? The line just doesn't exactly fit in the stanza.

Of course, that's just my opinion. And other people might think the line fits fine. I just think the line kind of popped out of no where.

The poem is really nice though!

What happened to your pattern?

In the first two stanzas, you kind of had an abab rhyming pattern... Sorta lol. "Lied" and "alike" kind of go together, and "pain" and "betrayed" kinda go as well. They don't really rhyme, but when you pronounce them, they sound similar. The rest of the stanzas dont have that similarity. That's my only critique. I thought you were trying to attempt a rhyming pattern, and it didn't happen, so when I got to the end, I felt kind of disappointed. But for what it is, it's pretty good. I like it! My favorite part was :

Solvalery wrote:What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
What I feel is there's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed

Wait! I lied. One more critique. I don't like the flow of the thrid line with the rest of it.

Instead of:

Solvalery wrote:What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
What I feel is there's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed

I think it should be:

"What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
There's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed"

Also! PUNCTUATION!

Keep up the good writing!


xoxo,
Kiicoh.

Kiicoh wrote:Instead of:

Solvalery wrote:
What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
What I feel is there's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed


I think it should be:

"What I feel is anger
What I feel is pain
There's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed"

Also! PUNCTUATION!

Keep up the good writing!

I have to say I agree with this, other than that, I really like it

wow, this poem is bursting with emotion! it's amazing! i like this poem a lot, there is a story here and it is told very well. Betrayal is a universally experienced thing, each one of us once in our lives are betrayed and I think the way you expressed it is magnificent! the heart does break and often we are speechless but then again who needs to be verbal when a pen and paper do the trick?
bravo!keep it up!

I like the flow of this poem for two reasons at some parts there wasn't much of one and at others I felt it should be rapped to a very heavy beat. Over all it was a very deep and meaningful poem love is a fascinating topic to write on and this was very good.

I read the poem and thought...."W-O-W"!!!! its brilliant...!! and i car completely relate to it!!!! I can understand the extent of pain experiences like these cause....and i hope it came out of imagination.....i feel sad that some person had to suffer that kind of thing....but its a wonderful poem!!! keep up the good job!!!:)

Hahahahahahaha... Thanks, guys. And I haven't suffer that, thank God. I just challenged myself to write something I haven't experienced.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

One of my favorite passages from the Bible! I love its reference in the poem! Keep it up! Okay so lets see what I can spot in this wonderful chain of words!

"Once I said I loved you
Boy, I must have lied
Regarding to Corinthians 13
What I feel is nothing alike

What I feel is anger (I like what you did with section very nice)
What I feel is pain
There's no worse feeling
Than feeling betrayed

And I write this on my hand
Not in paper, like I would
Because I don't want dry teardrops to remind me
That these eyes have cried because of you
(^^Very well written, and it flows nicely off the tongue! It also has STRONG emotion! Which hard when writing something that has not happened to you before)

And all I can do is wait here
Hoping with what is left
That the saying “Love lasts forever”
Is false and burns in flames
(^^The only thing I did not like was this....because His love does last forever!Just saying)

Because this heart still loves you
With every single cell
And if fire would change that
I swear, by now it would be burned"

Loved this poem! Keep writing!Maybe if you wrote more you get published some day! You have a great sense of emotion! This sense of emotion about something that you have not personally experienced before is amazing and a hard thing to find in writers, you are very talented and you have a gift with words! Keep writing don't ever stop!

Wow once again AMAZING WORK!! Hope to see more and hope to find time to read more of yours but alas school calls me away and Good luck on writing i'm struggling in mine at the moment haven't written in months...makes me sad...but you still did and amazing job and can't WAIT for more^^ Well off i go i have speech my tournaments the 12th of March XD i'm soooooo~ not ready haha Ja ne and good luck and happy writing everyone
Soulkana<3

First of All,
I have to say how much I relate to this and you portrayed the emotions so strongly, its amazing.
The way you put the emotions into the words create great imagery and strong basis was great.I think you should try to be less repetitive and not repeat adjectives.Good luck!
~spartacus~

the sorrow of love is only healed by true love ~dreamer~