Young Writers Society

On that day,
On every day.
In every life,
In every way.
Losing the will.
Always afraid to stay.
Being loved isn't worth this pain.
Dying inside,
Staying to try.
Not finding a way,
Losing my mind.
Crying and screaming,
My head is reeling,
My ribs hurt from this heartache,
I am blinded by my tears.
Covering my feelings,
Lying because you lie too.
Hurting me,
Jealous of you.
You have a place to be.
Freak, stupid,outcast, gone.
Before you know it,
Before too long.
Because you lied and I did to,
I'm afraid I'm losing you.
You are drifting,
I am falling.
You don't know it's you I'm calling.
I'm alone,
You're just fine.
You have them,
I had you.
But now I know,
I have lost you.

Hey emoticon! Thanks to be the first to post on my thread!
The first thing that stuck out when I read this was that you should separate this into stanzas, so it is easier on the reader, and so you can convey different ideas easier.
I like the general idea of this poem, but I think you can go deeper by using figurative language and by being more descriptive about how you feel.

"Because you lied and I did, too,"

Just a grammar nit-pick; that's how that line should read.
Overall, great work. Keep writing!
-Alex

Hi!

I agree on the stanza problem. In fact, this might not have been on purpose, but there are very opportune places to break it up after the longer lines.

Anyways, I really liked this poem! Unlike a lot of poems, the flow was extremely well done, and when you read it out loud it really goes along nicely.

I don't know if you meant there to be any rhyme, but there is a subtle rhyme in places and it is amazingly not forced at all! It fits right in smoothly!

Great job!

-Lili

Hi,

I shall be your very strict reviewer today! Just kidding!! I actually suck at reviewing so don't worry. I must say that I liked this alot and I didn't have any problems with it.. See?? Told you that I didn't know how to review. I still like it though... I'm repeating myself, aren't I?.. Well.. I'm going away now.. See you later.. I guess. *Walks away. Pauses and looks back. Starts walking again* xD

hey, nice write
It's interesting and left me wanting for more

Hello there

I'll just come out and say that I really didn't like this one very much. I think the general impression I get when reading your poem is that, your words have no meaning. It's as if you threw everything together but did not put it in such a way that it conveys a meaning. I don't think the problem is the stanzas, I think the problem is the execution.

For example

On that day,
On every day.
In every life,
In every way.
Losing the will.

What are you trying to say here? There are a million ideas in each line and they don't connect at all. Right through the end, the situation is pretty much the same. I don't know, maybe you were trying to rhyme perhaps?
Try revising it and go through the real reason for it; what makes you want to dot these words down? What central idea is making your emotions that certain way. What is it you want to say? Keep that in mind and with more practice, you'll do great!

Keep writing and good luck!

Hey emoction!
I liked this poem. It is a great poem. Keep writing!

Whoa, nice! Could be a song! In fact, it reminds me of a song by Royksopp, the rhythm does... I bet you could sing this to "Only This Moment" by the band Royksopp.

Oh! I really like it! It flows, but I like the fact it is all in one.

Keep Writing!

Princess of Darkness
Read Some Of My Stories! Poems!

Wow. This is a very emotional poem! I love it! I think many people can connect about having a disagreement with a friend or losing a friend at least once. I can. I agree with PrincessofDarkness, that the poem flows like a poem should! Awesome job and keep writing, you're a really good writer!

- gleek456 <3

Ohhhhhh! Is it true? The same thing happened to me in 4th grade! I thought it was really well-written and I loved the short, snappy, too-the-point lines. But, note about the title, "worst friend" and "best enemy" are the same thing. Maybe you meant to do that. I don't know. If you did you should keep it, but if not might want to think about changing that... So, now time for the nit picks. Hang in there.

On that day,
On every day.
In every life,
In every way. (This was a great intro!)
Losing the will.
Always afraid to stay.
Being loved isn't worth this pain.
Dying inside,
Staying to try. (This doesn't make any sense. Clarify, please!)
Not finding a way,
Losing my mind.
Crying and screaming,
My head is reeling,
My ribs hurt from this heartache,
I am blinded by my tears.
Covering my feelings,
Lying because you lie too. (Great way to say she lies without "saying" it. Works well!)
Hurting me,
Jealous of you.
You have a place to be.
Freak, stupid,outcast, gone.(None of these words fit together. I was confused after I read this. What are you trying to say?)
Before you know it,
Before too long.
Because you lied and I did to,
I'm afraid I'm losing you.
You are drifting,
I am falling.
You don't know it's you I'm calling.
I'm alone,
You're just fine.
You have them,
I had you.
But now I know,
I have lost you.

Well, over all this was very good. I think you did really well! So, basically, it was fast and fun to read, even though it shows the emotion well, which is hard to do because sadness is a slow and degrading feeling. Good job!
-Cammie