Young Writers Society

Weeks 1-4

Three.

Two.

One.

Eva got up from her seat on the side of the bathtub with shaky knees. She held the fifth pregnancy test in her trembling hands. A tear trickled down her cheek and fell upon the test result: pregnant. Eva quietly walked out of the bathroom and turned the light off. Feeling her way around, she made it back to her queen size bed. Eva reached over her snoring husband to check the time, five thirty in the morning. No use in waking him now; I’ll tell him before he leaves for work.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Max carefully turns the alarm clock off and leans over to kiss his wife.

“Hum… Max.” Eva opened her eyes and wrapped her arms around his slick stomach.

“How did you sleep?” Max asked her, leaning his chin on the top of her head.

“Good… Max I have something to tell.” Nervously, she looked up into his big brown eyes.

In the morning light he could see the tears that had dried in the corners of her eyes over night; “What is it, precious?”

“I-I-I….” She gulped, “I think I’m pregnant.”

A little stiff he back away from her; “You think?”

“Well, I took five pregnancy test last night, and they all came out positive.” Her voice was barely audible over the silence.

Max’s eye glistened, and his smile slowly crept over his face; “I’m going to be a dad?”

“Max, I have to go to the doctor first, just to make sure…” Eva looked up to Max for comfort, but when she saw how happy he was she couldn’t let him down.

“Okay… Eva, I love you.” He took her face in his sturdy hands and kissed her rose lips deeply.

Max pranced around the house while getting ready, humming, dancing, smiling. He reminded Eva of a clown, a crazy lunatic… a person madly in love. Smiling, she gave him one last kiss before he shimmied right on out the door. Eva stretched as she walked up the wooden staircase to her bedroom. Standing in front of a full length mirror, she started to get ready for work. Her black pencil skirt clung to her hips, and her baby blue nylon nit sweater hugged her upper torso. Pulling her sleeves to the crease of her elbow, she tightened her long, curly, dark brown hair into a bun. A sweep of black mascara and pale, pink lipstick and she was ready to face her english class of thirty ten year olds.

During the hustle of cramming grammar and sentence structure into her students brains all before the lunch hour, she forgot all about Max, the five pregnancy test, and making an appointment for the following week. Upon entering the lunchroom, she quickly remembered. The thick, heavy smell of grilled cheese and something that resembles green beans hit her like a wave. Eva walked as fast as she could in her blue patent three inch heels to the nearest bathroom and hurled up every bit of that mornings breakfast and kisses into the first stall, barely making it in the toilet. Eva got up, straightened her skirt, and used the back of her hand to wipe her mouth. Taking a deep breath, she walked to the sink and washed her hands. The antiseptic smell of the soap churned her stomach just a tinge as her co-worker, Jeanie Johnson, finished washing her hands.

“Mrs. Esparza, are you feeling well?” Ms. Johnson asked, wiping her hands on the back of her black slacks.

“I’m doing fine.” Eva turned the water off and grabbed a few paper towels.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should take a half day; I’m sure Principal Sabetta will find a substitute to look after your class for this afternoon,” she said, laying her hand on Eva’s back where her shoulder blades reach their full span.

Eva leaned on the sink, preparing for a dry heave; “Maybe I should…”

“I’ll go tell Principal Sabetta. Go get your things, and get better.” Ms. Johnson left the room as Eva took a deep breath. She slowly made her way to the stairwell and went to get her purse and car keys.

The drive home was bearable, and Eva made it to their bedroom without a single notion to vomit. But, as soon as she laid her head on the feather-down pillow, her stomach acids started traveling up her esophagus.

Yup, I’m definitely pregnant.

Hey,
I'm here to give the review requested.
It was very good. I only found some typos to point out. I don't understand somethings, but that is the beauty of reading a novel chapter by chapter I have found. I'm going to read chapter one after this review. Here are some nitpicks.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Max carefully turns the alarm clock off and leans over to kiss his wife.
I wasn't sure if this was right after she laid down or an hour.

In the morning light he could see the tears that had dried in the corners of her eyes over night; “What is it precious?”
Because Max is addressing his wife there would be a comma before precious.

Max’s eye glistened over, and his smile slowly crept over his face; “I’m going to be a dad?”
You repeat over. I would just get rid of the first one.
I don't think a semicolon is the best choice after face. I would just use a period.

Smiling she gave him one last kiss before he danced right on out the door.
You need a comma after smiling.

Upon entering the lunchroom she quickly remembered.
I think you need a comma after lunchroom because you start the sentence with a dependant clause. That could be wrong though.

she said laying her hand on Eva’s back where her shoulder blades reach their full span.
You need a comma before laying.

Eva leaned on the sink preparing for a dry heave; “Maybe I should…”
You need a comma after sink.

Ms. Johnson leaves the room as Eva takes a deep breath.
You change tenses here. It all needs to be past tense.

That's it. I would definitely read the next chapter. Without reading the previous one, I'll tell you I like the fact that she doesn't like being pregnant even though she's married. I'll read chapter one to see what I think afterwards.
You had a little trouble with commas, and I don't know if it's just a typo or what, so here's a link to a grammar rules website.
Tell me if you want a review on chapter three.
Megsug

Hey Rascalover, I'm here as requested.
First off, I love the fact that even though I havn't read the first chapter of your story, I can still grasp and like this chapter.
I don't have many suggestions. My first observation when I start to read this story is that the first few sentences are written like this:

Three. Two. One. Eva got up from her seat on the side of the bathtub with shaky knees.

If I wrote this, it would've looked like this:

Three.
Two.
One.
Eva got up from her seat on the side of the bathtub with shaky knees.

I know it's not that big of a deal, but it's little things like that that hook your reader from the beginning.
One thing I really like about your writing style is that you know how to manipulate your readers. You made Eva and Max both very likeable characters.
I really liked this, it's something that I would definately keep reading,
-Alex

Um, I read the first chapter... wtf? very odd. Perhaps some more explaining to do? I'm confused.
This chapter, however was more normal. Good thing. When telling a story about two adults getting a baby, you need to keep it as realistic as possible. Having a child is enough drama as it is. It doesn't need any artistic license.
Also, if you're going to make this a romance, feel free, make it more steamy. If it's going to be a realistic fiction give your characters more flaws. We like a character for their attributes, we love them for their faults. Don't make her lips cherry read. Describe the husband's dancing more. Don't say "The husband danced." Bring him on and let him dance.
You're kind of on the fence about the genre. My advice: Pick one.
Remember, though, It's your dang story, do whatever the heck you want with it.

Hi! Here's the review you actually asked for.

She held the fifth pregnancy test in her trembling hands.

Okay, we understand they want a child, and think that maybe having one has been difficult for them (though this is just a guess, nothing to worry about if it's not the case), but five? Really? First off, how would she get five in the middle of the night? And if she got them earlier, wouldn't her husband see? Is she really that scared over it that she needs five? Sure, maybe a couple. But that seems a little obsessive. Still, it is your character, and maybe that's something she'd do. It just strikes me as a little odd.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Max carefully turns the alarm clock off and leans over to kiss his wife.

First off, the "beeps" should be in italics to indicate a sound.

But the reason I'm pointing this out is, when I read this, it seemed like it was happening instantaneously, like she laid down then the alarm went off. Looking back over it, I realize this is not the case. But I'd suggest doing something - perhaps adding a couple more spaces between, or ellipses - to set it apart so that we know there is a time change. Because we don't know when he gets up to go to work. For all we know, he should have left an hour ago.

“I-I-I….”

This could just be my obsessive nature pointing this out, but three seems almost too... forced? Too exaggerating. Two "I"s seems more natural, and I think it'd look a lot better too.

he danced right on out the door.

At this point, it seems too dramatized. You already said he danced, and all that other stuff. We get he's happy. But it's a little much. I'd say tone it down a little; maybe something like, "walked with a spring in his step," "found himself smiling at nothing," "was tripping over himself for his happiness." Okay, I know those are horrible examples. But you get my point? Right now it's a little too hyper and childish.

During the hustle of cramming grammar and sentence structure into her students brains all before the lunch hour, she forgot all about Max, the five pregnancy test, and making an appointment for the following week.

Let me just say, your transitions are not the best. Or perhaps nonexistant is a better word. I'd suggest setting this apart - like I said above, between the sleeping and waking - and going on from there. Because they really are separate scenes, and having them bunched together really whacks out the pacing, which is a key thing in stories.

Also, this goes too fast. You might want to say something like "After a morning of..." because right now, it's like you're telling it to us as it's happening, but you're super summing. So just phrase it like you are summing it up, which you pretty much are. It'll flow better. (And giving more specific details of what she did wouldn't hurt, either.)

Okay, so my final thought is, this is short. Too short? You kind of rush through the events, not taking the time to really ever tell us what she's doing at that moment. (Well, you do at the very beginning, then at the bathroom, sort of, but beyond that we know thoughts and dialogue, when we also want to see it happening.) Don't get me wrong, you have description, and good description. It's not the places I can't see. It's what your MC's doing in them. Just work on your transitions, and give actions, and this'll improve greatly beyond how good it already is.

If you want another review on this, or anything else, drop a post on my WRFF or wall or whatever.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hi!
About the comment above, I loved your first chapter so DONT CHANGE IT! It makes it very unique~ Also, this chapter was a bit more into reality. The only thing I will say is that not enough happened...you need to write more! PM me when chapter 3 is up!
Also, the description of the food was nauseating, which I believe you were aiming for!