Thorns & Roses [1.1]

Spoiler

I wrote this novel a year ago and then stopped because I was stumped but I've picked it up again. I did some revising and what not and hopefully it'll be better this time around. We'll see how it goes.

16+ For violence and language.

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Normally, you’d think I was insane. That I was a crazy chick doing the things that I do but what could I say? This was the only thing I had…that made me feel alive.
“Come on, girl!” The boy taunted with a sloppy grin. He jumped up and down with his fists up. He was ready, the circle was drawn and the rules were simple. Punch your opponent down, hit him so hard he’d forget his mother and don’t step out of the circle, once one part of your body leaves that circle and you’re cut. Out, dead and laughed at.
“What? You scared now?” he asked, rubbing his bare chest which was lionized with a perfect six pack. “You talk all that bull and now you want to back out, huh?”
I spat on the floor, yeah another wonderful trait of mine. “What did you say? I’m scared? Oh, shut up. I’ll show you who’s scared when I’m through with you. You’ll cry so much I might have to call your mama. I’m afraid you haven’t had enough of her milk.”
His lips curved up in an angry snarl. “Shut up.” And that was my cue. I hopped, the balls of my bare feet rocking lightly on the concrete ground as the warm September wind tangled its way through my ponytail, reviving all my senses. Sweat trickled down my forehead and traveled to my chin as a plastic smile spread across my lips, teasing him. The crowd around us chanted our names with raised hands and hollers.
“Fight, fight, fight!”
The adrenaline rush swam up my veins and I bottled it in, hoping to collect enough until I exploded. The caller slapped his hands together and officially started our match. My opponent, Mason, launched himself at me first with a flying fist. Naturally, I pivoted and then launched my elbow into his side. With a cough he pulled back and I took a defensive pose. He ran and his foot lifted up, swerving towards me. I turned, ducked and then with a swift move I spun my heel up and knocked him down. He growled and pushed himself off the floor.
“Don’t get cocky,” he sneered. He moved too quickly this time and I didn’t see him coming. His fist hit my mouth and I felt a whirl of nerves shoot up to my head, whipping my head to the right. He followed it up with a kick to my side. Cringing as I rolled on the floor, grunting as I felt that familiar ripple of pain across my side, I asked myself, ‘How many times have I been kicked there? Oh, I can’t remember, a hundred? I couldn’t stay down, if I was down for too long then it’d give him the opportunity to totally kick my ass.
I forced myself up, wiping the blood off my lips. “I think I should be telling you that,” I said. He came at me, thinking he’d keep his streak. However, I knew better and dodged it. I went forward with a punch. He ducked and I took this opening and held his shoulders down, then smashed my knee into his lowered chin. He fell backwards and rolled onto the floor with a groan.
This is so over now. I straddled over him and punched his face. Again and again until I was sure he was knocked out cold. My knuckles blazed as I pulled back and stood up, feeling triumphant over my win.
“Hey man, you okay?” His posse came at him, shaking him and trying to wake the guy. “Wake up, dude!” But no it was no use, he was out.
Game over.
Kevin, my nerdy bestie, came running to my side and lifted my hand with praise. I grinned, swallowing the cheers of the crowd. But I knew that good things lasted for only a second. Once you walked up that hill and reached the top, there was only downhill from there.
***
“Victoria!” Craig’s voice was like a lightning bolt that shook ever limb in my body. “Where in God’s name have you been?” he growled, raising himself off the couch.
I shut the door behind me, thankful of the darkness that hovered over my face. If he took a glance at it, he’d surely banish me. I mean, it wasn’t that late was it? My eyes flashed to the cable box. 11:23 pm, oops. The flashing images on the TV screen showed some stupid eighties cowboy movie with knives and guns. Every time the buckaroos shot, it felt like I was the one being hit.
“What do you mean? I was out with Kevin.” Yeah, I wasn’t technically lying, right? I was out with Kevin, only we weren’t painting our toe nails or eating nachos at the local Mexican restaurant. No, I was out…fighting. The smile disappeared off my face as Craig flicked the lights on.
He looked at me, studying me for a second while shaking his head. “Jesus, Victoria…not again!” He came closer and I quickly pushed past him. “Victoria!” He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, forcing me to look at those crazy laser green eyes of his.
“What the hell is it this time? Did the local bullies pick on your nerdy friend? Did you have to beat them up for it? What kind of fight are we talking about now that you come in with a busted lip?”
“Like, oh my god! Yes, that was it!” I threw my hands up. “Sean Jackman was beating up poor little Willy for his lunch money and I decided to kick his butt for it. I’m sorry Craig, for being a Samaritan!”
“You’re a girl, Victoria. A girl, and girls…they don’t go around throwing fists and getting beaten up,” he said in a low voice.
“Well, that’s too bad,” I said. “I guess I was just born the wrong sex.” I shrugged.
He pointed at finger at me. “You’re grounded. Two weeks, no Kevin, no going out, no TV and the only phone calls you are to make are for me.”
“What?!” I hissed. “You’ve got to be kidding me, that’s a load of-”
“Load of what? Bull?” He laughed. “Well, let me break it to ya’ sweetheart, I’m your father and you’d better listen to me.” His voice turned to ice.
I mocked his laughter. “Father?” I cried sardonically. “You are not my Father. Admit it, you hate me and I hate you back so how about we just not get mixed in with each other’s personal lives, huh?” I suggested. “I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you to tell me whether I’m wrong or right, okay?” With a shoulder like the blade of a knife, I barged past him and went up the stairs, pounding my feet intentionally and slammed the door.
Yup, that was my life in a nutshell. My step father thought he was my real father and acted like he cared. However if he really cared, he wouldn’t have let my mom go that day. The twirling fan on my ceiling hypnotized me as I thought about my mother. “Why did you have to leave me?”
I groaned into my pillow and shut my eyes. I let the throbbing in my punctured lip soothe me, letting that numbness spread over my body like lotion until it melted me and I finally fell asleep. Sleep was my friend; it was the only thing that didn’t bother me. Usually, I didn’t dream. Was I a weirdo? Everyone had dreams, so why not me?
When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I’d been hit by a hammer and I didn’t even drink. Carefully, I slid my limp body out of bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I hadn’t even changed out of my dirty clothes from last night which meant I probably smelled like a bloody hobo. Sweet.
My hand reached out for the faucet. Waiting a second before the water turned cool, I took some toilet paper and dampened it. Putting the cold butt-wiping paper over my lip, I winced at the reflection. Only once was I ever proud of my appearance. My brown hair was now dyed a light purple. Yeah I know, total rocker chick? No. I was medium, with boring chestnut eyes and an average face which was slowly degrading with every fight. I didn’t care, it’s not like I was ever going to have a boyfriend again. I mean, I was the fittest, strongest girl in Haywood High and guys thought I was an Amazon woman. Hello? Anybody call for Xena, the warrior princess? Except this girl isn’t hot or a princess. Sorry, kiddos.
After taking a shower which left me smelling like a fruit bowl, I went downstairs. Craig’s snores seeped through his door and to my ear. I was exceptionally glad he wasn’t awake. Tip-toeing to the fridge, I took out a few slices of bread and popped them into the toaster. Quickly, I spread the last bit of butter onto crusty wheat and snuck outside. I didn’t want to wake up my step father; he’d only give me another lecture and tell me to be home on time. Being punctuate was something I was never really good at either.
Starting the engine of my 99’ Honda Accord, I headed for hell. Oh wait, school. The nice thing was I lived about five minutes away from Haywood High which meant my neighborhood was pretty must the safest place ever. Yippee.
Walking through the crowded halls and sniffing over a hundred different perfumes and colognes I was ready to throw my math book at someone. Did you need to smell like a garden of fruits and flowers? School just started, which meant everyone was still excited about the whole, ‘oh my god, I haven’t seen you since like, three months ago’ phase. Which also meant everyone was still hyper and still hung over from all the get together beginning-of-the-year parties.
It was like sophomore year all over again. The stares, they came at me like little spikes embedding themselves into every millimeter of my body. This was going to be bashful year. I tried to ignore them by looking at the gray tiles on the floor and letting my hair fall over my eyes. Thank you hair cutting person for suggesting bangs, I owe you one.
Last year wasn’t the greatest year of my life and I had my boyfriend to blame. He stripped me of everything and fed me to the dogs with a smirk plastered onto his stupid face. Yes, he made my school life miserable and I had all intentions of doing the same. My knuckles tightened over my backpack strap. I found my locker and quickly worked my fingers on the lock. I took a deep breath. A part of me thought everything would have been forgotten by now but I guess the word about me continued to travel down the grape vine. This shouldn’t have bothered me because I was used to the stares and the whispers.
Taking a quick glance at the hallway, I noticed Kevin making his way in my direction. A smile snuck over my lips as he leaned his shoulder against the adjacent locker.
“Well I must say Vicks, that is one hell of a busted lip,” he said with a nod. His brown hair was a complete mess over his head but his neat and wrinkle free blue shirt and jeans made up for it. Kevin was a weird kid, seriously. He was the son of a rich family and his mother was super over-protective of him and had a slight case of OCD. Her perfectionist side didn’t agree with my rowdy one so we got along like two negative sides of a magnet.
“Why thank you,” I answered, putting a finger over it. “I’m quite proud of it. Gave my step father a scare last night.”
“He found out?” Kevin gave me a pout which was more likely a sad imitation of a dying hyena. He should never do pouts with his girlfriends; he couldn’t pull off the ‘pity me’ look even if his life depended on it. It wasn’t that he was ugly, just…scrawny.
“Well, it’s not like I could hide it from him until it heals. That would be pretty sweet though, I admit.”
“Did he ground you?”
“You betcha!” I snapped my fingers at him. I shut my locker and we began making our way through the thick mob of freshies that cluttered the halls in packs.
“Does that mean no Pick-out?”
I nearly died of a heart attack. “You think I’m going to let my step father stop me from going to the Pick out? Hah, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.” I put a hand over my chest and threw my head back with a chuckle.
Kevin showed a grin. “Now that’s the Vicks I know. Also, I have some good news for you.”
“Oh, do you now?” I asked, lifting a brow.
“I was talking to Donnie Day about some of the Pick-out members and you’re so in. That’s right, you don’t have to fight for rounds. They’ve already saved you a spot. Isn’t that awesome?” He pulled his hand up and I smacked it with a high five.
The Pick-out was the ultimate street fight competition that happened only once a year. If you won, you got a bunch of cash along with a few buckets full of respect and honor.
“Hell yes!” I couldn’t help myself from beaming. “I am the first girl to actually have a saved spot for the Pick-out. That is off the chizz-ang.” I made the attempt to sound as ghetto as possible.
“Please…never do that again.” Kevin shook his head.
“Aye, aye, captain.” I saluted. “So do you have any other dirt?”
“Other dirt?”
“Who else has saved spots for the Pick-out?” I asked. Best dig up my competitors so I have a better idea of what areas I need to work on. The Pick-out was so mine this year.
“Well, you’re not going to like this.”
“Really?” I cocked a brow. “Interesting because I don’t remember the last time I actually did like something.”
He gave me a sarcastic laugh. “Alright, there are fifty fighters this year and there are six locked spots, one of which is you, the pick-out pre fights are taking place next month and they’ll narrow them down to half, twenty five. Those twenty five and you six will fight at the Pick-out in November.”
“Quit stalling, I already knew that much,” I muttered.
“Okay, okay.” He showed a flash of straight teeth. “The six saved guys are Lawrence, Jason, Ethan, you and,” he paused, “Nicholas Austin and Vincent Gray.”
I blinked as he waited for my response. After a second I nodded. “It was a given that Vincent would get the saved spot, his wins for the summer are fifteen wins and only three losses.” We walked into English class and took a seat in the back. I leaned over my elbow. “Who’s this Nicholas guy, though?”
“You don’t know Nicholas?” He asked, tilting his head. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, I seriously don’t know who he is.” Unlike Kevin, I spent my time working out instead of studying for tests and gossiping. Kevin had a knack for digging up dirt on other people. It was probably just his way to being part of the underground life. Since he was on the small side and lacked muscle power, he couldn’t stand a chance in the circle. He once told me he wanted to fight and I let him into the circle against an opponent. Not the best idea…he was beaten badly and it was at that time I became a bad omen to his mother.
“Well, he’s kinda new to the scene,” Kevin said. “He came out last year and has had some really awesome wins. I heard some kid started poking fun and messing around with him once. He totally sent that guy to the hospital; they had videos up on youtube and everything.”
“I guess I’ll just have to see how great he is that he already obtained a save spot.” I rested my chin on my palm.
“He’s an asshole though,” Kevin moaned. “I heard he doesn’t take crap from anybody and if you mess with him, you’ll end up losing a finger or something.”
“Huh, really?” I pondered. Putting my hand down, I asked Kevin, “Are you going to the gym after school today?”
“Aren’t you going to go home like a good girl today?” he countered.
I smiled at him. “I’ll be a good girl when pigs fly.”

Hey pink! I'll deff. join the page after this review! Its excellent, behind you all the way xD
So my notes and corrections are in red. I'll do my best to point out everything! Here goes!

[i]Normally, you’d think I was insane. That I was a crazy chick doing the things that I do but what could I say? This was the only thing I had…that made me feel alive.
“Come on, girl!” The boy taunted with a sloppy grin.I like this sentence. It really pulls you in, you can almost sense the dimples forming in his cheeks. He jumped up and down with his fist up. He was ready, the circle was drawn and the rules were simple. Punch your opponent down, hit him so hard he’d forget his mother and don’t step out of the circle, once one part of your body leaves that circle and you’re cut. Out, dead and laughed at.
“What? You scared now?” he asked, rubbing his bare chest which was lionizedA perfect word in the circumstances. with a perfect six pack. “You talk all that bull and now you want to back out, huh?”
I spat on the floor, yeah another wonderful trait of mine. “What did you say? I’m scared? Oh, shut up. I’ll show you who’s scared when I’m through with you. You’ll cry so much I might have to call your mama. I’m afraid you haven’t had enough of her milk.”
His lips curved up with an angry snarl. “Shut up.” And that was my cue. I hopped, the balls of my bare feet rocking lightly on the concrete ground as the warm September wind tangled through my ponytail, reviving all my senses. Sweat trickled down my forehead and traveled to my chin as a plastic smile spread across my lips, teasing him. The crowd around us chanted our names with raised hands and hollers.
“Fight, fight, fight!”
The adrenaline rush swam up my veins and I bottled it in, hoping to collect enough until I exploded. The caller slapped his hands together and officially started our match. My opponent, Mason, launched himself at me first with a flying fist. Naturally, I pivoted and missed then launched my elbow into his side. With a cough he pulled back and I took a defensive pose. He ran and his foot lifted up, swerving towards me. I turned, ducked and then with a swift move I spun my heel up and knocked him down. He growled and pushed himself off the floor.
“Don’t get cocky,” he sneered. He moved too quickly this time and I didn’t see him coming. His fist slapped across my cheek in a rough punch, whipping my head to the right. He followed with a kick to my side and knocked me down. I rolled on the floor, grunting as I felt that familiar ripple of pain across my side. How many times have I been kicked there? Oh, I can’t remember, a hundred?I think it would sound a little less tacky with only-How many times had I been kicked there? xD I couldn’t stay down, if I was down for too long then it’d give him the opportunity to totally kick my ass.
I forced myself up, wiping the blood off my lips.This is me being picky but she got a punch in the cheek and a kick in the thigh so maybe the lips isn't the best place to show blood. I'm not sure there but might aswell point it out. I'm not good with this kind of thing! “I think I should be telling you that,” I said. He came at me, thinking he’d keep his streak. However, I knew better and dodged it. I went forward with a punch but he ducked. I took this opening and held his shoulders down, then smashed my knee into his lowered chin. He fell backwards and rolled onto the floor with a groan.
This is was so over now. I straddled over him and punched his face. Again and again until I was sure he was knocked out cold. My knuckles blazed as I pulled back and stood up, feeling triumphant over my win.
“Hey man, you okay?” His posse came at him, shaking him and trying to wake the guy. “Wake up, dude!” But no use, he was out.
Game over.
Start a new line here. Game over is too final to jump into another line.Kevin, my best friend who was more of a stander by than a fighter, came running to my side and lifted my hand with praise. I grinned, swallowing the cheers of the crowd. But I knew that good things lasted for only a second. Once you walked up that hill and reached the top, there was only downhill from there. I like that sentence, nice and descriptive-its flows well!

“Victoria!” Craig’s voice was like a lightning bolt that shook everEvery? limb in my body. “Where in God’s name have you been?” he growled, raising himself off the couch.
I shut the door behind me, thankful of the darkness that hovered over my face. If he took a glance at it, he’d surely banish me. I mean, it wasn’t that late was it? My eyes flashed to the cable box. 11:23 pm, oops. The flashing images on the TV screen showed some stupid eighties cowboy movie with knives and guns. Every time the buckaroos shot, it felt like I was the one being hit.
“What do you mean? I was out with Kevin.” Yeah, I wasn’t technically lying, right? I was out with Kevin, only we weren’t painting our toe nails or eating nachos at the local Mexican restaurant. No, I was out…fighting. The smile disappeared off my face as Craig flicked the lights on.
He looked at me, studying me for a second while shaking his head. “Jesus, Victoria…not again!” He came closer and I quickly pushed past him. “Victoria!” He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, forcing me to look at those crazy laser green eyes of his.
“What the hell is it this time? Did the local bullies pick on your nerdy friend? Did you have to beat them up for it? What kind of fight are we talking about now that you come in with a busted lip?”
“Like, oh my god! Yes, that was it!” I threw my hands up. “Sean Jackman was beating up poor little Willy for his lunch money and I decided to kick his butt for it. I’m sorry Craig, for being a Samaritan!” Its good the way you use Craig instead of Father here to show us there realationship foundation.
He pointed at finger at me. “You’re grounded. Two weeks, no Kevin, no going out, no TV and the only phone calls you are to make are for me.”
“What?!” I hissed. “You’ve got to be kidding me, that’s a load of-”
“Load of what? Bull?” He laughed. “Well, let me break it to ya’ sweetheart, I’m your father and you’d better listen to me.” His voice turned to ice.
I mocked his laughter. “Father?” I cried sardonically. “You are not my Father. Admit it, you hate me and I hate you backHow about we hate each other? Might sound a little better. so how about we just not get mixed in with each other’s personal lives, huh?” I suggested. “I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you to tell me whether I’m wrong or right, okay?” With a shoulder like the blade of a knife, I cut my way through him and went up the stairs, pounding my feet intentionally and slammed the door for more effect. I hope he cringed.
Yup, that was my life in a nutshell. Poor old me, stuck in a house, not a home, with my over sensitive step father. If I was old enough, I would have left by now. Why couldn’t I just run away? Oh right, because I was scared, too much of a wimp for that kind of life. I knew what the streets were like, I fought on their grounds and living the way some of those fighters lived…Well, I was strong but I wasn’t that strong. Not yet, at least.
I groaned into my pillow and shut my eyes. I let the throbbing in my punctured lip soothe me, letting that numbness spread over my body like lotion until it melted me and I finally fell asleep. Sleep was my friend; it was the only thing that didn’t bother me. Usually, I didn’t dream. Was I a weirdo? Everyone had dreams, so why not me?
When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I’d been hit by a hammer and I didn’t even drink. Carefully, I slid my limp body out of bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I hadn’t even changed out of my dirty clothes from last night which meant I probably smelled like a bloody hobo. Sweet.
My hand reached out for the faucet. Waiting a second before the water turned cool, I took some toilet paper and dampened it. Putting the cold butt-wiping paper over my lip, I winced at the reflection. Only once was I ever proud of my appearance. My brown hair was now dyed a light purple. Yeah I know, total rocker chick? No. I was medium, with boring chestnut eyes and an average face which was slowly degrading with every fight. I didn’t care, it’s not like I was ever going to have a boyfriend again. I mean, I was the fittest, strongest girl in Haywood High and guys thought I was an Amazon woman. Hello? Anybody call for Xena, the warrior princess? Except this girl isn’t hot or a princess. Sorry, kiddos.
After taking a shower which left me smelling like a fruit bowl, I went downstairs. Craig’s snores seeped through his door and to my ear. I was exceptionally glad he wasn’t awake. Tip-toeing to the fridge, I took out some bread and popped them into the toaster. Quickly, I spread the last bit of butter onto crusty wheat and snuck outside. I didn’t want to wake up my step father; he’d only give me another lecture and tell me to be home on time.
Starting the engine of my 99’ Honda Accord, I headed for hell. Oh wait, school. Just being picky but the Oh wait bit sounds a little like what you see in a play script. Maybe try something less slang. The nice thing was I lived about five minutes away from Haywood High which meant my neighborhood was pretty must the safest place ever. Yippee.
Walking through the crowded halls and sniffing over a hundred different perfumes and colognes I was ready to throw my math book at someone. Did you need to smell like a garden of fruits and flowers? School just started which meant everyone was still excited about the whole, 'oh my god, I haven’t seen you since like, three months ago' phase. Which meant everyone was still hyper and still hung over from all the get together beginning-of-the-year parties.
It was like sophomore year all over again. The stares, they came at me like little spikes embedding themselves into every millimeter of my body. This was going to be bashful year. I tried to ignore them by looking at the gray tiles on the floor and letting my hair fall over my eyes. Thank you hair cutting person for suggesting bangs, I owe you one. My knuckles tightened over my backpack strap. I found my locker and quickly worked my fingers on the lock. Was I the only one who felt like my locker was a home? It was the only place where I felt like I fit, I belonged. Yeah, I know that’s kind of weird but then again I’m not your average Haywood High chick either.
Taking a quick glance at the hallway, I noticed Kevin making his way in my direction. A smile snuck over my lips as he leaned his shoulder against the adjacent locker.
“Well I must say Vicks, that is one hell of a busted lip,” he said with a nod. His brown hair was a complete mess over his head but his neat and wrinkle free clothing made up for it.
“Why thank you,” I answered, putting a finger over it. “I’m quite proud of it. Gave my step father a scare last night.”
“He found out?” Kevin gave me a pout which was more likely a sad imitation of a dying hyena. He should never do pouts with his girlfriends; he couldn’t pull off the ‘pity me’ look.
“Well, it’s not like I could hide it from him until it heals. That would be pretty sweet though, I admit.”
“Did he ground you?”
“You betcha!” I snapped my fingers at him. I shut my locker and we began making our way through the thick mob of freshies that cluttered the halls in packs.
“Does that mean no Pick-out?”
I nearly died of a heart attack. “You think I’m going to let my step father stop me from going to the Pick out? Hah, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.” I put a hand over my chest and threw my head back with a chuckle.
Kevin showed a grin. “Now that’s the Vicks I know. Also, I have some good news for you.”
“Oh, do you now?” I asked, lifting a brow.
“I was talking to Donnie Day about some of the Pick-out members and you’re so in. That’s right, you don’t have to fight for rounds. They’ve already saved you a spot. Isn’t that awesome?” He pulled his hand up and I smacked it with a high five.
The Pick-out was the ultimate street fight competition that happened only once a year. If you won, you got a bunch of cash along with a few buckets full of respect and honor.
“Hell yes!” I couldn’t help myself from beaming. “I am the first girl to actually have a saved spot for the Pick-out. That is off the chizz-ang.” I made the attempt to sound as ghetto as possible.
“Please…never do that again.” Kevin shook his head.
“Aye, aye, captain.” I saluted. “So do you have any other dirt?”
“Other dirt?”
“Who else has saved spots for the Pick-out?” I asked. Better dig up my competitors so I have a better idea of what areas I need to work on. The Pick-out was so mine this year.
“Well, you’re not going to like this.”
“Really?” I cocked a brow. “Interesting because I don’t remember the last time I actually did like something.”
He gave me a sarcastic laugh. “Alright, there are fifty fighters this year and there are six locked spots, one of which is you, the pick-out pre fights are taking place next month and they’ll narrow them down to half, twenty five. Those twenty five and you six will fight at the Pick-out in November.”
“Quit stalling, I already knew that much,” I muttered.
“Okay, okay.” He showed a flash of straight teeth. “The six saved guys are Lawrence, Jason, Ethan, you and,” he paused, “Nicholas Austin and Vincent Gray.”
I blinked as he waited for my response. After a second I nodded. “It was a given that Vincent would get the saved spot, his wins for the summer are fifteen wins and only three losses.” We walked into English class and took a seat in the back. I leaned over my elbow. “Who’s this Nicholas guy, though?”
“You don’t know Nicholas?” He asked, tilting his head. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, I seriously don’t know who he is.” Unlike Kevin, I spent my time working out instead of studying for tests and gossiping.
“Well, he’s kinda new to the scene. He came out last year and has had some really awesome wins. I heard some kid started poking fun and messing around with him once. He totally sent that guy to the hospital, they had videos up on youtube and everything. I’ll show you.” He pulled out his phone from his jeans and held it up.
I leaned over to get a better view. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”[/

[/i]OVERALL=>>
There was barely any grammar or punctuation issues-You obviously edit well!
The plot was well placed and you used quite descriptive language which helped when it came it imagery. You started off the story well, there was no pausing just straight to the point which is nice not to have to grit your teeth and smile through the
'Once upon a time..'
Your charachters were well pitched and extremely well described. Even without telling us anything personal about Victoria we know that she's a toughie just be the fact that she fights. Even her lanquage is a window to her personality. As I said you did a great job on this other then the fact the ending was a bit too abrupt. It was almost like you got bored and just finished as soon as you could.
Keep writing you can go in so many directions as you want so I can't wait for more. Good work pink!
Kaka x

Hey Pink!

Let me just first get down to the few things I had a problem with.

I'd like to understand Kevin a little better. I think you could describe him with a little more detail. He's some what of a card board character right now, his only purpose being the MC's best friend and continuing dialogues. You need to add more to his personality.
I like Victoria a lot. She's very believable and real, and her voice is very strong. She has believable weaknesses and strengths. She kept me wanting to read on. There's one thing I think you can work on more, perhaps in the coming chapters. I don't quite understand Craig and Victoria's relationship. Victoria is narrating the story, but she doesn't make Craig out to be anything more than a concerned parent (rather rough, yes), yet she hates him and wishes she could run away. I want to know what it is about him that irks her. Just the fact that he's her step-father? Or that he can order her around? What is it? It's hard to relate to her because she doesn't show us anything to dislike about him. I mean this is her narrating, so the voice should be a little biased and we should see Craig from her point of view, and understand why she dislikes him. Maybe you should have Craig do or say something that would indeed be worth disliking, but only if Craig is a person who is worth disliking. I hope you understand what I mean. I often have a long winding way of explaining things.

I normally don't enjoy reading long detailed fight scenes and only look forward to finding out who won. But you pulled of the fight scene quite well, and this is probably something you'll have to do quite a few times through out the story from what I know about the MC so far.

I found a few typos and grammatical errors here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed without reading it out loud. Overall it's really well written. I really enjoyed this chapter, especially the main character. I like kick-ass character. And, If I may add, I really, really appreciate that you didn't make her super sexy or anything. I find that happening a lot to a strong female kick-butt type of characters. This is very well done.

Also, I must commend you on the beginning. It pulled me right me in to the story.

So, overall, very well written and thoroughly enjoyable. The MC voice keeps us entertained and interested and you've also paced it quite well. I look forward to the next chapter. Feel free to him me with a PM when you post it up.

Good luck!

First off, after reading this chapter I'm all for joining the group. Second, I love the cover for it; I'm jealous, because I've never been good at making covers for the things I write. Anyway, when it comes to your actual story, I'm definately hooked. A female street fighter? AWESOME. That's great, because who isn't sick of weak damsel-in-distress types? When it comes to things you need to fix, I saw some run-on sentences where you could use punctuation and other things like that. No complaints about plot so far, and I'm curious about where this is headed. I'll definately keep my eyes peeled for the next chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Here as promised, and the first thing I'm going to say is:

I was going to do do a review-as-I-read, but then I read the first few paragraphs... and then I totally forgot I was supposed to be reviewing this at all and kept reading. xD This, would be a good thing. Then I stopped reading it and was like... "I just wasted a nice hunk of time, didn't I?" Anyways! Onto the actual review.

PinkShearwater wrote:I spat on the floor, yeah, another wonderful trait of mine.

I'm not quite 100% sure (About 92.3%, actually) that there should be another comma after the 'yeah.'

PinkShearwater wrote:“What did you say? I’m scared? Oh, shut up. I’ll show you who’s scared when I’m through with you. You’ll cry so much I might have to call your mama. I’m afraid you haven’t had enough of her milk.”

This line has... well, nothing wrong with it. I just wanted to say that you made me laugh right here ^, and then my mom demanded to know what I was laughing at. (As usual) Thanks for that. (In other words, I loved this line and if you take it out-- though I don't see why you would-- I will hurt you.)

PinkShearwater wrote: The crowd around us chanted our names with raised hands and hollers.

Because of the 'and' at the end of this sentence, it makes it sound like 'hollers' should be 'hollered.' Then, in the context of the sentence, 'hollers' does end up making sense... I don't know, it was just a bit awkward for me to read. xD Consider re-wording it?

PinkShearwater wrote:My opponent, Mason, launched himself at me first with a flying fist. Naturally, I pivoted and missed then launched my elbow into his side.

The last part of this sounded a bit... awkward. It might be the way the sentence flowed, and then the 'then'. It sounded a bit like one of those sentences that you'd find in a bad battle scene, but really? Other than that, this particular battle scene is a good one.

PinkShearwater wrote: I turned, ducked and then with a swift move I spun my heel up and knocked him down. He growled and pushed himself off the floor.
“Don’t get cocky,” he sneered. He moved too quickly this time and I didn’t see him coming. His fist slapped across my cheek in a rough punch, whipping my head to the right. He followed with a kick to my side and knocked me down.

It could be just me, but I wasn't particularly fond of the repetition of 'knocked me/him down'. The characters got knocked down... but how? Did they land on their backs? Their sides? Their butts, perhaps? It's a personal preference for me to have that bit of description there, as it creates a better mental picture-- which I like-- a lot. xD

PinkShearwater wrote:I forced myself up, wiping the blood off my lips. “I think I should be telling you that,” I said. He came at me, thinking he’d keep his streak. However, I knew better and dodged it. I went forward with a punch but he ducked.

This was all good, until the 'but'. It just isn't one of those things that made me go, "That's a really well-written sentence!" if you know what I mean. Try re-wording it to a bit? Even something like, "..., which he dodged," would sound better to me.

PinkShearwater wrote:He fell backwards and rolled onto the floor with a groan.

Right here! That's the sort of description I was talking about earlier. *points up*

PinkShearwater wrote:This is was so over now. I straddled over him and punched his face. Again and again until I was sure he was knocked out cold. My knuckles blazed as I pulled back and stood up, feeling triumphant over my win.

In my personal opinion, that little bit shouldn't be two separate sentences. The last bit isn't a full sentence on its own, so the period didn't really make sense to me. I'd probably separate it with a dash, or a semi-colon. (I believe that this is really up to you, though, since I was going to let it slide... then decided to point it out, anyways.)

PinkShearwater wrote:Kevin, my best friend who was more of a stander by than a fighter, came running to my side and lifted my hand with praise.

Do you mean a by-stander? Or is this just some not-Canadian phrase I'm unaware of? xD

[quote"PinkShearwater"]“Like, oh my god! Yes, that was it!” I threw my hands up. “Sean Jackman was beating up poor little Willy for his lunch money and I decided to kick his butt for it. I’m sorry Craig, for being a Samaritan!”[/quote]

Bahahaa... so Victoria has some typical-teenage angst working for her does she? Understandable, totally.

PinkShearwater wrote:He pointed at finger at me. “You’re grounded. Two weeks, no Kevin, no going out, no TV and the only phone calls you are to make are for me.”

D'awwe. Poor Vicky. Okay, so now I'm just making a bunch of stupid comments. (I always fall into doing that when I review dialogue... glad I caught myself this time, though. >.> Oh, and I so did not start typing "Victoria" into the quote-code instead of PinkShearwater.)

PinkShearwater wrote:Yup, that was my life in a nutshell. Poor old me, stuck in a house, not a home, with my over sensitive step father. If I was old enough, I would have left by now. Why couldn’t I just run away? Oh right, because I was scared, too much of a wimp for that kind of life. I knew what the streets were like, I fought on their grounds and living the way some of those fighters lived…Well, I was strong but I wasn’t that strong. Not yet, at least.

Ooooh, yes, I really do smell some teenage angst! A decent amount of it, though. xD If there wasn't any, it wouldn't really be that realistic, would it?

PinkShearwater wrote:I hadn’t even changed out of my dirty clothes from last night which meant I probably smelled like a bloody hobo. Sweet.

Ahahahaaa... this is another one of those "if you take this out I will hurt you, even though you have no reason to take it out so I won't worry too much" lines. Just so you know.

PinkShearwater wrote:Tip-toeing to the fridge, I took out some bread and popped them into the toaster.

Here, it should probably be "I took out some bread and popped it into the toaster." Either that or something similar to, "I took out a few slices of bread and popped them into the toaster." Either way works, but that sentence didn't agree with itself.

PinkShearwater wrote:Walking through the crowded halls and sniffing over a hundred different perfumes and colognes I was ready to throw my math book at someone. Did you need to smell like a garden of fruits and flowers?

The first part of this sentence was a bit awkward... although I like the whole throwing-a-book-at-somebody thing. That made me giggle... for the hundredth time since I started reading this. (My mom has officially given up on the weird looks, but anyways.) Is there any way that you could reword it? Adding a few commas (Especially one between 'colognes' and 'I'.)

PinkShearwater wrote:School just started which meant everyone was still excited about the whole, 'oh my god, I haven’t seen you since like, three months ago' phase.

There should be a comma between 'started' and 'which'. Well, it doesn't technically have to be there... but... well, you get it. *moves on to the next bit*

PinkShearwater wrote:“Hell yes!” I couldn’t help myself from beaming. “I am the first girl to actually have a saved spot for the Pick-out. That is off the chizz-ang.” I made the attempt to sound as ghetto as possible.

So, I know that that part in red really isn't that bad, but I never have liked it when things like that are phrased that way. It bugs me for some reason... I'd change it to 'keep myself from grinning,' or something.


And now, here's the part of the review that I really suck at! I get to analyze things over-all!

I think I'll start with your characters... Hmm... yeah, I'll do that.

First off, Victoria, aka, Miss MC.

I must say, I quite like this Victoria chick. xD She is most certainly amusing. She's sarcastic, witty, a fighter-chick and she has purple hair! What sort of person can't like a teenage girl like that? (Certainly not me!) Better yet, you've managed to give her just the right amount of teenage-angst to make her seem realistic (and a bit like a typical, whiny teenage girl with a [step]parent that doesn't fully support her dangerous dream) without making her extremely irritating.

Just one thing I'd like to say you should look out for with Vicks-- keep the angst at that realistic-level and don't let it get the best of even one of your chapter. All it'll make me want to do is yell at her.


Second, Kevin.

I still don't feel like I know a ton about Kevin, although he sounds like a pretty average teenage-dude who can't pull of the pity-me face. He sounds like a gossip/nerd combo so far, which is admittedly a bit different. xD I don't see very many of those, male-wise anyways. I hope I get to learn a bit more about Kevin as the story progresses. I'm intrigued.


And last, Mr. Craig.

We really don't know too much about him, other than the stereo-typical-[step]father side of the man. But, since this is a novel, you have plenty of time to expand on that and I won't pester you just yet... not too much at least.


And that sums up my not-too-amazing-character-analyses. (In my defense, WipeOut is on T.V, and it's VERY distracting.)


Overall, I really did like this chapter. So far, it seems like this novel is going to be a bit different than most modern-day-chick-in-high-school books. (Thank the Lord, I really hate those 'OMG! I'm like new and horribly defenseless, and the popular girl is picking on me and I have to beat her at something to boost my status' novels. Annoying!)

And I'm out of time here, so I'll close this up by saying: I really did like it, and I'm sooo joining the page!

xoxo,
Ish.

So I've got a bunch of review requests, but I stumbled upon this and was hooked by the cover, so now, I'll give a short review. XD After not posting for awhile on your Taboo chapters, I guess I'll leave some comments here to show you I'm still alive, and life is just, well, life. XD

I'm not going to give a nitpicky review like I always do. Instead, I'll give out what I think of this.

First, I think that this chapter was cut wrong. Maybe I would have wanted to read a last paragraph, like, "I intently watched the guy blah blah blah..." What the Nic-guy was doing and all, before you ended it with, "You've got to be kidding me." Maybe it's just me, but I think you left a reader hanging there--too much. Not just a hanger to keep on reading to the next chapter. Oh, I think I'm not making sense. XD I'll try to rephrase that: Add a bit more descriptions there before hanging the reader, like show us what happened in the fight caught on video that made Victoria remark like that. Now, did I make more sense?

Second, I find some dialogue lines not plausible. It was like they were too 'thought of', if you know what I mean. I guess some of Victoria's lines were too sarcastic that was kind of out-of-place? I know, she's meant to have a haughty mist around her, because she was kind of like tomboyish. (Is she a tomboy by the way? XD by the way she posed on the cover, I'm guessing not though. =D ) But I guess you've overdone some of the this-is-how-I-speak-'cause-I'm-confident lines.

Next, I want you to know how much I love your unique descriptions. I don't think there were any cliches here--except, of course, in dialogue, and that's only right to add a sense of realism. You have a way with spicing up your prose. I really like that. That was one of the reasons I was hooked with Taboo. =) I'm pretty sure you know what I mean here. There's something with your story telling that makes it, "PINKSHEARWATER"...Oh yeah!

Lastly, I love the opening. And the twist at the end of the first part. (I'll consider the MC's being a girl a great shock. It shocked me. LOL) It really hooks the reader. Plus, the fight was greatly detailed but not boring, which means the narration was very good. You can imagine each move, each punch, each jerk, without getting lost with the words. And I'm beginning to like Vic's characterization, like, RIGHT NAO. XD I imagine her swaggering. Her conversations with her step father was a pretty cool way to show her character, too. The only thing I didn't feel here is Kevin, I think. Is she her boyfriend? I'm just curious.

Overall, this is very good. Dad, wonderful job! Even though I'm not finished with Taboo, I might come up reading this too. :p I'm sorry for the short review. I do hope though that I've helped, and you know that your son is only wallpost away! KEEP WRITING!


~ Son ♥

Thanks for the reviews guys, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Yes, I do agree that the ending was a bit abrupt but I was scared I was making the first part way too long. I plan on smoothing it out later and adding a little bit more so it's cleaner. As for her dialogue, I had no idea that it was cliche or haughty. Hm, I wanted her voice to be strong, independent and sassy (slightly) and make her seem like she could say anything to anyone at anytime. So this chapter was aimed at showing her stronger, confident side but I worked just a tad bit of less confidence in here when she was walking down the school hall and feeling all the stares with her head down. But I guess I need to push that part out a little more, hm? She's kind of a double personality, I suppose. It's alright, I still have time to edit and revise. ^^

Thank you again for the critiques and all. I really do appreciate it.
-Pink

Jeez, you already got a crap-ton of reviews!

Isha : very thorough, my friend

Well, I don't have much to say other than I think I am the only one here who read the original version. Because of that, I already know Kevin, Craig and all them. So, of course, although we don't learn much about them here, we will, and I'M not worried at all.

I still love this story. I started laughing when I read 'Victoria' because I thought, 'Tori? Really?' hahaha.

MEh. Just rambling. You've much improved since the last time you wrote this. COngrats. Me likee very much. I love how strong Vicks sounds. Her voice is crystal-clear. The only thing I had issues with, if any at all, was your comment at the end of everyone's reviews. You said you wanted to portray her as being strong and sassy and stuff. Then why is she hiding behing her bangs? Why doesn't she own up to who she is?

Well, that was it. Sorry this wasn't more helpful....-_-

Wifey

Hey Pink, it's Tiger here to review. I don't have many nitpicks, so I won't quote the whole piece but the nitpicks themselves.

PinkShearwater wrote:

Chapter One

Normally, you’d think I was insane. That I was a crazy chick doing the things that I do but what could I say? This was the only thing I had done…that made me feel alive.

“Come on, girl!” The boy taunted me with a sloppy grin. He jumped up and down with his fist up. Only one? He was ready, the circle was drawn and the rules were simple. Punch your opponent down, hit him so hard he’d forget his mother and don’t step out of the circle, once one part of your body leaves that circle and you’re cut. Out, dead and laughed at.

“What? You scared now?” he asked, rubbing his bare chest which was lionized with a perfect six pack. “You talk all that bull and now you want to back out, huh?”

I spat on the floor, yeah, another wonderful trait of mine. “What did you say? I’m scared? Oh, shut up. I’ll show you who’s scared when I’m through with you. You’ll cry so much I might have to call your mama. I’m afraid you haven’t had enough of her milk.”

His lips curved up with should be in an angry snarl. “Shut up.” And that was my cue. I hopped, the balls of my bare feet rocking lightly on the concrete ground as the warm September wind tangled through my ponytail, reviving all my senses.

Tangled through? This description is a bit contradictory in that if something is tangled it gets stuck, but if it moves through her hair then obviously it's not stuck. Maybe whistled through, or blew through?

Sweat trickled down my forehead and traveled to my chin as a plastic smile spread across my lips, teasing him. The crowd around us chanted our names with raised hands and hollers.

And travelled is the same thing as trickled down. So you should maybe get rid of and travelled because it is a little redundant.

“Fight, fight, fight!”

The adrenaline rush swam up my veins and I bottled it in, hoping to collect enough until I exploded. The caller slapped his hands together and officially started our match. My opponent, Mason, launched himself at me first with a flying fist. Naturally, I pivoted and missed then launched my elbow into his side. With a cough he pulled back and I took a defensive pose. He ran and his foot lifted up, swerving towards me. I turned, ducked and then with a swift move I spun my heel up and knocked him down. He growled and pushed himself off the floor.

I thought a pivot was a dodge. How did she miss her own dodge?

“Don’t get cocky,” he sneered. He moved too quickly this time and I didn’t see him coming. His fist slapped across my cheek in a rough punch,

His fist, slapped across her face, in a punch? That sounds a little weird. If it's a punch, you can say his fist hit her across the cheek.

whipping my head to the right. He followed it up with a kick to my side and knocked me down. I rolled on the floor, grunting as I felt that familiar ripple of pain across my side. How many times have I been kicked there? Oh, I can’t remember, a hundred? I couldn’t stay down, if I was down for too long then it’d give him the opportunity to totally kick my ass.

“Hey man, you okay?” His posse came at him, shaking him and trying to wake the guy. “Wake up, dude!” But it was no use, he was out.

Game over.

Kevin, my best friend who was more of a stander-by than a fighter, came running to my side and lifted my hand with praise. I grinned, swallowing the cheers of the crowd. But I knew that good things lasted for only a second. Once you walked up that hill and reached the top, there was only downhill from there.

I mocked his laughter. “Father?” I cried sardonically. “You are not my Father. Admit it, you hate me and I hate you back so how about we just not get mixed in with each other’s personal lives, huh?” I suggested. “I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you to tell me whether I’m wrong or right, okay?” With a shoulder like the blade of a knife, I cut my way through him and went up the stairs, pounding my feet intentionally and slammeding the door for more effect. I hope he cringed.

That underlined part sounds a little strange. She cut through him? Maybe you could rephrase it; putting barged in for cut and past for through, or just something else. Cut and through make it sound quite strange.

Yup, that was my life in a nutshell. Poor old me, stuck in a house, not a home, with my over-sensitive step-father. If I was old enough, I would have left by now. Why couldn’t I just run away? Oh right, because I was scared, too much of a wimp for that kind of life. I knew what the streets were like, I fought on their grounds and living the way some of those fighters lived…Well, I was strong but I wasn’t that strong. Not yet, at least.

Taking a quick glance at the hallway, I noticed Kevin making his way in my direction. A smile snuck over my lips as he leaned his shoulder against the adjacent locker.

Let me break this down a bit more.

The MC

So I find your MC a bit strange. In the beginning, she's the tough chick who beats up guys. Then she seems a little scared of her Dad before she bursts out at him in anger, reminding us of the toughness from before. But then when she goes to school, she gets all nervous because of the people staring at her, and the tough side disappears. Is she not good in crowds or something? If so, how did she survive in a fight ring with everyone watching?

Basically I just think that you should make her emotions and the meanings behind them clear.

Kevin

Is he some sort-of nerd? That's the feeling I'm getting, but I'm not sure a nerd would be as comfortable in a fight ring as he seems to be. Just a minor nitpick there.

Craig

I understand this is just the first half-or-so of the first chapter, but I think you could have explained a little more about Craig. He's her father but she calls him by his first name? Obviously their relationship isn't a close one, but he feels comfortable enough to attempt to ground her? What is the reason for the distance between them?

The Fighting

Where did the MC learn to fight so well that she's entered the street-fighting competition? How long has she been doing this? Wouldn't such a thing be illegal, perhaps? And if her father is so bothered about it, why hasn't he actively tried to stop her?


All in all, this is a good start. Actually, and I don't know if this is intentional, but this is reminding me of Step Up 2 a bit, just that the MC is fighting not dancing. Hopefully in the next half you'll elaborate a bit on how our Vicks got into street-fighting, and the relationship between her and her father, and also talk a bit more about Kevin. And let's not forget the mysterious Nicholas. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

Ew. Oh, it's just you, Punk.

Before I get into the gritty stuff, I would like to quote some parts that amused me.

"...You’ll cry so much I might have to call your mama. I’m afraid you haven’t had enough of her milk.”

That amused me. Greatly.

He came closer and I quickly pushed past him. “Victoria!”

Plagiarism. *cough*

“I guess I was just born the wrong sex.” I shrugged.

Is she a tranny!? OMG, I hope she is. I'm watching this soap opera called Hollyoaks, right, and there's a tranny on that. She went form Jasmine to Jason. It's great.

Was I a weirdo? Everyone had dreams, so why not me?

I haven't dreamt in ages. Maybe that's why I'm such a creep.

Okay! Now for the actual review.

As a whole, I do like this, Punk, I must say. It involves a manly girl, an aggressive step dad, discussons of mother's milk and a kid called Kevin. Ah... Home Alone. Basically, so far, so good. Your grammar overall in this is good too, although I did see some slip ups here and there. You're smart though, Punk, so I know that with a bit of editing, you'll spot them and metaphorically beat the crap out of them.

Before I get into details, is it weird that Kevin seems gay to me...? I don't think you intended that, but because my mind is so screwed up, he seemed a little gay to me. Don't take that too seriously though because it probably is just me being a creep. I dont' want to make judgements yet because we hardly know the characters yet, plus, I don't like judging a book by their cover - unless the cover is AWESOME. I do think you may have made him come across as too weak though. Like, you said that he spent all of his time studying and gossiping. My gay best friend immediately came to mind, and then because he was there, I kept imagining Kevin to be like him... That's why I think this could be more of a personnal thing though. So seriously, don't take this.... Well, too seriously.

Speaking of Kevin though, right now, I'm not sure what his character's supposed to be like exactly. It bugged me a little when you had Victoria (I'm so tempted to call her Tori) referring to him as literally, the nerdy best friend. As in, she actually said that. It felt telly, not showy.I think the little issue was that his character didn't seem to match up to th whole nerdy thing for me. I mean, he didn't seem too nerdy. He was certainly eager for Victoria to smack a load of kids's brains out, and seemed really into the fighting thing overall. It just doesn't seem "nerdy" as such. Like I said though, I don't like making judgements on characters this soon.

A critique that may actually help you is loosley based on the above, I guess. Some parts of this felt a bit telly, not showy. Don't you love my technical phrasing? Anyway, let's take Kevin as an example. God, I like Kevin, don't I? When you had Victoria telling us about his life. You said that his mother was OCDish, that he's nerdy, he's part of a rich family, that his mother's over-protective e.t.c. We did't see any of it though. I'd have loved for you to have a scene in the future or something where Kevin arrives home, like, fifteen minutes late and his mother goes all wacky and paranoid, creeping Victoria out. That would clearly show that his mother's OCDish and over-protective. We're pretty smart people, you know - Yes, even me sometimes - so we can figure out things by the way people behave. You don't have to tell us how they are.

Oh! One thing I want to applaud you for is your fight scene. As you can tell from the first part of Stop and Stare, I fail at writing fight scenes. I even confuse myself when I read over it. You clearly don't struggle at it though, so seriously well done. It was clear what was happening, plus it was fun to read. Unlike lots of people apparently, I like reading violent scenes, so I'm very happy that the fight scene was in this.

Reading previous reviews, I see that Kevin has caused confusion and what not with other people. I feel slightly more normal now. I want to say though that I don't think he's a huge problem right now, although the more I think about it, the more I want him ot be gay. Gay people just amuse me. I have a feeling that he's going to end up with Victoria or something though... so that would be wrong. Either him or that Nicholas dude. I like making up romances, okay... They make me feel whole inside. Sorry, I went off track there. As I was saying, I don't think Kevin's a huge problem right now. You just need some more time to kind of like mould him. Characters progress through time and chapters, and that's a good thing.

Sorry, I'm blabbering again. As you can tell, Kevin amuses me. I have actually read some aprts of the old verison of this, but I'm struggling to remember much... Because of that, the fact that I have skimmed through some of the old version isn't really effecting my knowledge on the novel's plot. I suppose that's a good thing because it means I'm not reviewing this like I know what's going to happen kind of thing... God, I'm not making sense. Sorry.

Basically, I like this so far. There are some things that could maybe be touched up, but hey, nothing's perfect. Perfect's boring. To sum my blabbering up, I'd like to see some facts given to us more subtly - show, don't tell, maybe shape out Kevin's character a bit clearer because at the moment, I can't quite decide what he's meant to be like. You have the next few chapters to do that though. The only other little thing is that you need to check over your grammar, but that's only minor. Oh, and I also apologise for the typos I knwo are in this review. No spell checker hurts my soul.

Keep writing,

xoxo Freak

Spoiler

I started laughing when I read 'Victoria' because I thought, 'Tori? Really?' hahaha.

Plagiarism, I tell ya.

Hey. Here I am as you requested. Now, on with the nitpicks: (xD)

He jumped up and down with his fists up.

- That actually didn't draw a picture of a fighter in my face.
- You also forgot to mention that the boy was in front of the persona.

...once one part of your body leaves that circle and you’re cut. Out, dead and laughed at.

- You should omit the 'and' after circle since you wrote 'once' at the beginning, and place a comma like this: '...once one part of your body leaves that circle, you're cut'. Or, you could just omit the 'once'.
- Also, the following sentence could've just been added after the prior sentence like this: '...you're cut - Out, dead, and laughed at.' and not as a separate sentence.

I spat on the floor, yeah another wonderful trait of mine.

- I think, you have to put a comma after 'yeah' 'cause it simply doesn't sound correct without one.

And that was my cue.

- Put a comma after 'And' since it was used in the beginning of a new sentence.

I straddled over him and punched his face. Again and again until I was sure he was knocked out cold.

- Typo. Remove the period after 'face'.

But no it was no use, he was out.

- Put a comma after 'no'.

But I knew that good things lasted for only a second.

- Put a comma after 'But'. Also, I think, it would sound better if you wrote '...good things lasted only for a second.'

Craig’s voice was like a lightning bolt that shook ever limb in my body.

- Typo: 'every'

"...I’m sorry Craig, for being a Samaritan!”

- Put a comma after 'sorry'.

He pointed at finger at me.

- Typo: 'a'

“Load of what? Bull?” He laughed.

- Don't capitalize the first letter of 'He'.

“Well, let me break it to ya’ sweetheart..."

- Put a comma before 'sweetheart'.

“You are not my Father..."
- The first letter of 'Father' doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized here.

My step father thought...

- 'stepfather' is only one word.

However if he really cared...

- I think, you have to put a comma after 'However'.

I hadn’t even changed out of my dirty clothes from last night which meant I probably smelled like a bloody hobo.

- Huh?

Yeah I know, total rocker chick?

- Put a comma after 'Yeah'. To make this comment short, here's my edit: 'Yeah, I know. Total rocker chick, huh?'

Anybody call for Xena, the warrior princess?

- Maybe, you should write 'call' in past tense.

Quickly, I spread the last bit of butter onto crusty wheat and snuck outside.

- Put 'the' before 'crusty'.

...which meant my neighborhood was pretty must the safest place ever.

- Typo: 'much'

Walking through the crowded halls and sniffing over a hundred different perfumes and colognes I was ready to throw my math book at someone.

- Put a comma after 'colognes'. Also, I think, you should capitalize the first letter of 'math'.

...but his neat and wrinkle free blue shirt...

- I think, you should hyphenate 'wrinkle' and 'free'.

...super over-protective of him and had a slight case of OCD.

- 'overprotective' is just one word.

“Why thank you,” I answered...

- I think, you have to put a comma after 'Why' here.

“Hell yes!”

- Put a comma after 'Hell'.

“Interesting because I don’t remember the last time I actually did like something.”

- Put a comma after 'Interesting'.

...one of which is you, the pick-out pre fights...

- I think, you should hyphenate 'pre' and 'fights'.

After a second I nodded.

- Put a comma after 'second'.

"...they had videos up on youtube and everything.”

- Capitalize the first letter of 'youtube'.


The beginning was vague. I mean, the picture wasn't 'painted' well. The setting was hardly described. The lots of action were also confusing for me. The rest flowed quite smoothly. Anyway, did you rewrite this already? 'Cause, it seems to me like it totally needs rewriting. No offence. The problem was only with the way it was written though, not the story. I like the story. It's interesting. I'll keep on reading this novel.

Oh. Awesome cover by the way! But, doesn't it seem a little too soft for a 'tough' story? xD

Hey Pink,

Two times in one night, I must be feeling generous, kidding. You know, I comment more on your writings than anyone else's, their just so good, can't help myself.
OK, so I know I've probably already commented on this entire story, but since your re-doing it, I'll just re-comment (if that's a word, it is now) on whatever you choose to fix in Thorns & Roses.
If I remember correctly, the first version of this, the opening when Vic is fighting that obnoxious dude, you had her lose right? If that's true then I totally like this version better, I think she deserved to win, just to show the reader how tough and hard core she really is, not some prissy little thing "pretending"
Also, I like that she has purple hair, I don't know why I just do.
I think that's about it for this one, I already really like this story, because we need more stories about girls kicking ass, excuse my language, but really there's to many stories about wimpy girls waiting for the guy to come save them.
So kudos to you, my friend.
As always, can't wait to read more.
Addawen

I really like this story!!
I can totally relate to what they are saying.
I think you did a really awesome job on this i don't see any mistakes.
The story line is great and really funny!!
Keep up the awesome work!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!!!!!!!!