Young Writers Society

rattles
reverberated from her almost closed mouth,
as she exhaled once again,
such an occupation
in her broken body’s state-

it truly was a rattle,
because her body was a cage,
and her heart spoke
burdened, unheard words
and ran a cup round the (rib)cage’s bars
like a toothless, leering convict,
hoping to garner some attention in a dank cell.

her heart was a criminal,
burning to burst from
the drudgery of pumping blood,
in and out and in and out
and never given a break-

it would jerk and jolt,
and dance in defiance,
and wrestle with the rest of her organs,
determined not be compliant like a scorned child,
only to become surly and stop working altogether.

the surgeon was a nuisance,
a man with a metal blade
who carried pain
in his little plastic bags,
connected with a silver sliver
shoved through its carrier’s wrist.

he toyed with her life,
left the heart helpless in its tiny little cell
able to only writhe
and twist like an animal in chains,
and scream unheard screams
as he sliced like the sadist he was-

but eventually the heart grew tired
and stopped its dance of defiance-
and soon the machine,
with its piercing noises and neon lights
settled, relayed the heart’s exhaustion,
beeping in a steady song,
and the surgeon, frustrated and confused,
finally began to smile,
and stitch up the life that had
finally decided to live.


I actually like this one (which is crazy, for me) except for the ending. The ending sucks. I rewrote it, took out the last two lines and added in a couple more stanzas... and I still don't know about it. Any suggestions on how to fix it?

Same thing with the title. I started with "Ribcage Blues" and then realized
1) That's an even more ridiculously stupid title.
2) Allows too much sympathy for the heart, which is the antagonist in a way.
So.... no.

ALSO- last thing, I promise- should I take out the (rib)? Because it was kind of a last minute, oo, that works type of thing.

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I'll try my best ...

and ran a figurative cup round the (rib)cage’s bars,

I don't really understand this bit about the heart running a "figurative cup". It really confuses me, but it could just be my lack of intelligence ... I'm just not sure what you mean.

hoping to garner some attention
like a toothless, leering convict in prison.

I love this bit, except for the word 'garner'. For some reason it just doesn't seem right here.

____

Overall I really like this. It flows well and you certainly have a way with words. The ending seems fine to me - I'm not crazy about the last line, but the second last line is great.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful!

It's me again, here to stalk your poetry

I liked this one but I didn't love it. The last two lines weren't one of my favorites because you seemed to have an incredibly well written poem but then you just jotted in two sentences when you got bored -but this is just my opinion. Otherwise this was perfect in more ways than one.

The (rib) bit is definitely an oo that works thing. I think you should lengthen it by getting the doctor to tinker away at her heart, it just seems like that kind of thing that would work.

Anger:D

Stanzas two and three reflect the same ideas but they're kinda TOO similar. They're repetitive, it doesnt' move from the cage idea totally, and you can remove that (rib) part, meerly speaking of the heart let's us know it might be a rib cage. Or not, that's the wonder of poetry.

As for your simile, toothless leering convict in prison, you don't need in prison. Convict means they're in a prison, I think. I'm too lazy to look it up, sorry if I'm wrong. But again, the cage, rattling the cup, all things associated with being in jail. So you don't need to add that "in prison" part.

Stanza six: heart's carrier's wrist. You can shorten that to carrier's wrists.

After stanza six(again, my laziness takes effect): The heart grew tired etc. etc. We already knew that? From it's not liking to do the same old thing. It doesn't expand upon the idea of that jail, the heart is trapped in it's mundane life, then it gets wrenched out and then the end. There really doesn't seem to be a great purpose for the theme of the jail and what not, to add to the meaning of this poem.
It was used to show suffering, before suffering. That's like 2 + 2. Easy, simple, some might think it's boring. There's little change, on the level of being able to relate or grapse the ideas of this.
Maybe if you made a little bit more of a relation from this surgery to how it may effect the heart / the person, that final reflection on ALL of your ideas.

Like: The sadist he was-

The heart grew broken
on bars now shattered,
lumbering to a freedom
the outside world
wasn't as all that it's cracked up to be.

Honestly, I have no idea. But something that can really give us a nice closing thought.

Sorry for not being too helpful, I am getting kinda rusty, PM me if you want, I'll be happy to help further.
Also, thanks for requesting a review from me, I feel useful / wanted. ( And sorry for not giving a review you deserve. Sorry.)

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews.
Silented1.(sorry again)

This might be the most intriguing poem I've seen you put out. The poem built nicely on the "body is a cage" metaphor (which reminded me almost distractingly of the Arcade Fire) and came from a unique angle. All my criticisms focus on your use of language, so I'll use the quote-and-edit method for this review.

rattles
reverberated in her almost closed mouth, ("in" makes more sense with how you've worded the line, and it sounds better to me)
as she exhaled once again,
such an occupation
in her broken body’s state- (good)

it truly was a rattle,
because her body was a cage, (these first two lines felt a little forced to me, try to make the narration a bit more subtle instead of directly stating your metaphor)
and her heart spoke
burdened, unheard words
and ran a cup round the bars of her ribcage
like a toothless, leering convict,
hoping to garner some attention. (edited for flow and to make it a bit more subtle)


her heart was a criminal,
burning to burst from
the drudgery of pumping blood,
in and out, in and out (a comma conveys the repetition more nicely than "and")

(I thought the "all the time" was unnecessary and disrupted the flow)

it would jolt,
and dance in defiance,
and wrestle with the rest of her organs
only to become surly and stop working altogether- (the last three lines also seem surly, so this line didn't show much change. I like the personification and the idea of the heart being disobedient by stopping though)

the surgeon was a nuisance,
a man with a metal blade
who carried pain
in his little plastic bags,
connected with a little metal sliver
shoved through the heart's carrier’s wrist. (this line's wording felt awkward)

he toyed with her life,
left the heart helpless,
able to only writhe
and twist, and scream unheard screams
as he sliced with sadistic motivation- ("the sadist he was" felt a bit too blunt)

but soon the heart grew tired
and stopped its dance of defiance-
and soon the machine, (I don't really like the repetition of "soon")
with the piercing noises and neon lights
settled, relayed the heart’s exhaustion,
beeping in a steady song,
and the surgeon, frustrated and confused,
finally began to smile. (I wasn't a fan of the ending either. The poem was focused on the heart, so I would try to make the ending relate to the heart also)

Overall, very nice work. This poem has great potential and with a few tweaks you could have a very well done and unique piece. I would love to see an edit in the future.

Hey!
I love this Coral! You've got a great flow of strong imagery and powerful descriptions going on through out the poem. There was also a twisted sense of humor I sensed coming from the writer that I quite enjoyed. I'm not sure if it was deliberate. I also really liked the darkness, and how you've presented the heart as something of an uncooperative rebel. I liked that a lot, actually.
Few things:

it truly was a rattle,
because her body was a cage,
and her heart spoke
burdened, unheard words
and ran a figurative cup round the (rib)cage’s bars
like a toothless, leering convict,
hoping to garner some attention in a dank cell.

I had a bit of trouble with this stanza. I feel this stanza is one of the most important parts of the poem, because the poem is developing the personality of the heart that it will carry on through out the poem. I mean this is the place where we're introduced to the heart. The only problem I had was that I didn't really understand the bit about the heart running a "figurative cup." Well, actually I think I kind of understand what you're trying to say after reading it for the fifth time, but I still think you can phrase the image better. It's hard to visualize in my mind what you're trying to say. Also I don't think "figurative" is necessary. It's already implied, isn't it?
I personally liked (rib)cage! I thought it was clever.
Love the last two lines on this stanza. Absolutely love them! They create such a powerful image, and really help visualize the heart.

About the ending: I think it's a little anticlimactic.

but eventually the heart grew tired
and stopped its dance of defiance-
and soon the machine,
with its piercing noises and neon lights
settled, relayed the heart’s exhaustion,
beeping in a steady song,
and the surgeon, frustrated and confused,
finally began to smile.

I think the words "but eventually" are what make it seem anticlimactic and a little rushed. I'd rather the heart stop its dance of defiance in a more interesting way than eventually growing tired. I'd rather the heart be settled and controlled or pushed back into obedience through the sadist surgeon, than the heart just growing tired. It's just a suggestion.

These are all just small suggestions that may not actually be all that necessary, but I thought I'd mention them. Overall, I absolutely love the poem. I love the vivid imagery, and the characterization of the heart and the sadist. The poem also flows very smoothly and eloquently. Two thumbs up!

Hey Sephy, I'm finally here to review. And I must apologize for my laziness. Let's get down to business, shall we? As ever, comments will be in bold.

Persephoneia wrote:rattles
reverberated from her almost closed mouth,
as she exhaled once again,
such an occupation
in her broken body’s state- Why's the dash there?

It truly was a rattle,
because her body was a cage,
and her heart spoke

Maybe you could change this to where? That way it's not repetitive with the next and, yet it still flows

burdened, unheard words
and ran a figurative cup round the (rib)cage’s bars

Telling us that it's figurative sort-of loses the magic of it being figurative. And why did you add (rib)? It spoils the imagery of personification.

like a toothless, leering convict,
hoping to garner some attention in a dank cell.

her heart was a criminal,
burning to burst from
the drudgery of pumping blood,
in and out and in and out
and never given a break-

I couldn't help feel that this would look better summed up as the word without. But that's just personal opinion. And you've used a dash again.

it would jolt,
and dance in defiance,
and wrestle with the rest of her organs

Perhaps you should replace the second and with another word to avoid repitition. Then, maybe?

determined not be compliant like a scorned child,
only to become surly and stop working altogether-

The first sentence seems a little too long, mostly because of the addition of 'like a scorned child'. Maybe you could cut that off so it's a line of it's own. And you've used a dash again. Is it to form some sort-of pattern? Hopefully I'll see it in the next few lines.

the surgeon was a nuisance,
a man with a metal blade
who carried pain
in his little plastic bags,
connected with a little metal sliver

I don't think little and sliver should be used to describe the same thing, seeing as they are so similar in meaning. It's a little awkward.

shoved through its carrier’s wrist.

he toyed with her life,
left the heart helpless in its tiny little cell
able to only writhe
and twist like an animal in chains,
and scream unheard screams
as he sliced like the sadist he was-

This part of the sentence bothers me. In sadism? As a sadist? Sadistically? Like a sadist? I think it's mostly the he was part that bothers me. It just seems unnecessary to add.

but eventually the heart grew tired
and stopped its dance of defiance-
and soon the machine,
with its piercing noises and neon lights
settled, relayed relaying? the heart’s exhaustion,
beeping in a steady song,
and the surgeon, frustrated and confused,
finally began to smile.

These two lines confuse me. He was frustrated and confused...and yet he smiled. Why? Did he smile because he'd wanted to kill her? Or had he been trying to save her, and he snapped when she died, so it's a psychotic type of smile? It's a little off.

Anyway, to answer those questions of yours:

Fixing the end I think you could tie in with the new title of Rattles. You were able to bring the poem back to the theme of the heart dancing, I think in the last stanza you could also bring it back to the rattling (the rattling was silenced/ the rattling was no more, etc.).

Oh, and yes you should take out the (rib) part. It's just...odd.

So in all in all I quite liked this, although I admit I didn't understand the current ending or what the dashes were for. As usual the imagery is great, and I like how you kept the dancing heart part throughout the poem. The poem is about a woman having some sort-of heart surgery, am I right? Either that or it reminds me of a CSI episode...no, let's stick with the heart surgery thing. So great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger