Young Writers Society

This is for him;
just like everything else I have.
This is for the way he smiles,
quirky little tug at one corner,
broadening into a goofy grin
that takes up his entire face.
This is for how it used to make me smile too,
slowly, unconsciously, until I find myself beaming
just like him, happy only to be around him.

And this is for the way he used to say hi
with a hug,
folding me completely in his warmth,
holding on a bit longer if it was cold outside,
and sometimes giving me his coat.
This is for how I’d try to refuse it,
afraid that he’d be cold too,
and how he’d ignore me,
drape it across my shoulders,
and then hold on tight so he wouldn’t be cold.

This is for the way he grew,
not up, nor out,
but away,
the way the realization blossomed within me,
a vile plant of poison-
it was no longer him
in that smile, but someone
who felt guilty, because they couldn’t make
it the way they used to,
just as I felt guilty for knowing,
even though he tried his hardest
to hide it.

This is for the way that he
smiled a little less when he gave me his coat,
not quite a frown,
but without that playful little
shine in his eye,
and I felt more guilty than ever.
How he felt obligated,
and how he was good,
even though everything we'd had was gone.

This is for the way
that I miss who he used to be,
and the way that we’ve continued this stupid facade,
even though the days of being genuine
have been gone for months,
and neither of us want to recognize it.

This is for how I miss him,
and how he misses me,
how we can’t find each other,
not even in each others’ arms.



So, I know the end is bad. Really bad. I tried to fix it up, but it just won't work. (AND this is actually a newly edited version.) Any suggestions? Any thoughts at all? Really appreciated!

-Coral-

This is a really good poem!!!I can totally relate to this. I actually didn't think that the ending was that bad. Maybe you could change it to something like this:

This is for how I miss him,
the way we used to be,
how much we miss each other,
wishing that we could go back,
to when we were happy

yeah, I don't know I made this up in like 45 seconds, just a thought. You are a great writer and I think a lot of people can relate to this.

-Rayne

Wonderful poem, you've certainly got the lyricism down. Usually a poem of that length would scare me away, but this was so readable that I had to continue. Good job.

I don't really want to criticize the subject matter, since it seems very personal; however, I will say that the topic seems a bit overused. There's nothing wrong with writing about a tested and true subject matter, of course, but just make sure that you express it in a way that differentiates it from all those other thousands of poems about lost love.

The technicalities--diction, structure, flow--all work perfectly. Very beautiful.
Keep writing~

This poem was very ok for me. I found a lot of this relatable, but it didn't have a lot of imagery or interesting perspective. There were glimmers of powerful meaning in it, though, and I think with some editing and your writing talent you could have a great poem. Here are a few bits that I particularly liked:

This is for the way he grew,
not up, nor out,
but away,
the way the realization blossomed within me,
a vile plant of poison-
it was no longer him
in that smile, but someone
who felt guilty, because they couldn’t make
it the way they used to,
just as I felt guilty for knowing,
even though he tried his hardest
to hide it.

This was an excellent stanza. It's rich with emotion and I loved the comparison to a poisonous plant growing inside you. The reflection on the guilt that he unknowingly shared with the narrator was insightful and unique.

how we can’t find each other,
not even in each others’ arms.

I thought the two lines before this were pretty weak, but these two were really powerful and a great way to end the poem.

The writing was very hit and miss. The first two stanzas were so generic that they didn't hold my interest, but after that you started to give the poem a more unique flair. It seemed like you had an idea and an emotion, but you forced the words onto the page rather than letting them come, which led to the emotion only coming through in spots.
I suggest going through and picking out the parts that you want to keep and then doing a rewrite that works those in but trashes everything else. Before you write, try thinking of an angle or emotion or image that you want the poem to revolve around. You need something beyond just a girl and a boy growing apart if you want this piece to be really effective.
I also suggest adding some imagery or metaphor so that the poem has a deeper aspect. Give the reader something to explore and think about. It will make the poem vastly more meaningful.
I would love to see an edit of this in the future. It has potential, and you're brilliant, so you could do something pretty cool with it.

Hey Sephy! Tiger here to review! Comments, as always, shall be in bold.

Persephoneia wrote:This is for him;
just like everything else I have. Is this part necessary? It sort of marrs the flow between the first line and the second, and doesn't really and anything to the poem other than an explanation. This is an odd thing to have, because poems are an expression of the soul and should be able to explain themselves.
This is for the way he smiles,
a quirky little tug at one corner,
broadening This word sort-of throws me off. Stretching? Growing, maybe? I think the three syllables makes it go on too long into a goofy grin
that takes up his entire face.
This is for how I think 'this is for' should be used for him only. It makes the sentence too long here and breaks the flow it used to make me smile too,
slowly, unconsciously, until I find myself beaming
just like him, happy onlyto be around him.

And this is for the way he used to say hi it fits better italicized
with a hug,
folding me completely in his warmth,
holding on a bit longer if it was cold outside,
and sometimes giving me his coat.
This is for how I’d try to refuse it,
afraid that he’d be cold too,
and how he’d ignore me,
drape it across my shoulders,
and then hold on tight so he wouldn’t be cold.

This is for the way he grew,
not up, nor out,
but away,
the way the realization blossomed within me,
a vile plant of poison-
it was no longer him
in that smile, but someone
who felt guilty, because they couldn’t make
it the way they used to,
just as I felt guilty for knowing,
even though he tried his hardest
to hide it.

This is for the way that he
smiled a little less when he gave me his coat,
not quite a frown,
but without that playful little
shine in his eye,
and I felt more guilty than ever.
How he felt obligated,
and how he was good,
even though everything we'd had was gone.

This is for the way
that I miss who he used to be,
and the way that we’ve continued this stupid facade,
even though the days of being genuine
have been gone for months,
and neither of us want to recognize it.

This is for how I miss him,
and how he misses me,
how we can’t find each other,
not even in each others’ arms.

Hmm. All in all, this poem lacks the feel and imagery of some of your others, like Bouquet of Bruises or On the Clothesline. Some parts were good, and had the soul that a poem needs, while others were lack-lustre and slightly generic. I agree with Nightshade in that the last two lines were actually okay, it was just the lines above that were weak.

This could be improved, you could add your usual imagery to it, you could show us a story instead of telling it. Good job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger