Through My Skin

Poem on racism- something I almost never do.



You think you can know me
through the way that I look?
You think you can know my life,
see me through my skin and my eyes?

Well I agree that:
You can see that I'm happy through my smiling eyes;
you can know that I'm proud from my straight back;
you can guess that I laugh from the lines on my face.

But you cannot know me solely through the color of my skin.

I may be black, I may be white, I may be somewhere in between,
but the only thing you can discern from my skin
is that I am human, and I am beautiful,
and I will shine no matter what you say.
Do not judge me on what I cannot change,
judge me how I’ve lived, what I do,
and who I am today.


This was written for a contest, so please, feel free to tear it to bits, though any feedback at all is good.
Thanks for reading!

Hello Persephoneia.

Lydia is here to review this. Let's start by saying that I liked it, I haven't read any poems on racism recently and this was a nice change from the usual love poetry I read. Also good luck in the contest! I hope you do well

Anyway, let's get down to some reviewing! Nitpicking will be in bold and then my general comments and things underneath.

You think you can know me
through the way that I look?
You think you can learn my life
see my soul, through my skin and my eyes?

With regards to this first stanza I liked the first two lines. It really set the scene for me and told me instantly without need of the opening comment - this is a poem on racism. Which is good
Anyway the next two lines I thought didn't fit in with the first in terms of rhythm. They seemed a bit clunky to me when I read them so you could do with a bit of re-wording to get your point across with the same images in fewer syllables. How about this (you don't have to use this - just a suggestion)

You think you know my life I have repeated know here from the first two lines, sometimes repetition can be dull but I think here it gives it impact
see me through my skin and my eyes?

Well I agree:
You can see that I am happy through my smiling eyes;
you can know that I am proud from my straight back;
you can guess that I laugh through the lines on my face.

I love this stanza. I just have one thing to say. With the next line:

But you cannot know me through the color of my skin.

It now doesn't really make sense. You've just said in the first stanza you think you can know me through what I look like, and you've said you agree. And now you've contradicted yourself with this line by saying that you can't know me through the colour of my skin or in other words what I look like. If I'm making any sense at all. Sorry if I'm rambling. Anyway I think if you do this:

Well I agree that:
You can see that I'm happy through my smiling eyes;
you can know that I'm proud from my straight back;
you can guess that I laugh from the lines on my face.

But you cannot know me through the color of my skin.

This just empahsizes what you mean I think. I have also changed the 'I am's to I'm's because I think they compliment the overall rhythm better. And I changed the through to from because I thought it made more sense. Anyway moving on:

I may be black, I may be white,
I may be somewhere in between,
but the only thing you can discern from my skin
is that I am human, and I am beautiful,
deleted and I will shine no matter what you say.
Do not judge me on how I was born, Or you could have "Don't judge me on what I cannot change"
judge me [b] on how I’ve lived,
on who I am,
and on what I am today .

Just some nit-picky things in here trying to help the flow and overall structure that's all. If you don't agree then don't change it
I added a rhyme in at the end there just because I thought it made the poem sound more finished and rounded off as a whole by all means don't put it in if you don't like it!

Overall:
I really enjoyed your poem I thought you really captured the issue of racism very well and I loved the idea. So thank you for the wonderful read! I really hope you do well in the contest. If you have any questions at all that you want to ask about anything I have said especially all the bits where I waffled on a lot then just PM me!

Keep Writing,
Lydia

Hey, Coral!
Aye, racism? What a touchy topic...
Remember, I stink at reviewing poetry so if you disagree with anything that I might say, I'm sorry. =(

You think you can know me
through the way that I look?
You think you can know my life,
see me through my skin and my eyes?

I find the first bit of of this awkward to read with the, 'think you "can" know me' part.
Although, I think that bit was purposely done that way. Also, I dislike the use of 'through' in the second sentence. I have no idea why, however.

Well I agree that:
You can see that I'm happy through my smiling eyes;
you can know that I'm proud from my straight back;
you can guess that I laugh from the lines on my face.

This second part kind of doesn't flow well with the first part. I mean, you first said had a defensive voice and then it switches to this. I'm not sure if you know what I mean, it's just and abrupt switch, slightly.

I may be black, I may be white, I may be somewhere in between,
but the only thing you can discern from my skin
is that I am human, and I am beautiful,
and I will shine no matter what you say.
Do not judge me on what I cannot change,
judge me how I’ve lived, what I do,
and who I am today.

This part is actually my favorite out of the whole thing. The one that speaks the most to me.
The third line kinda has a choppy flow but I think it's alright.
Man, I stink at this...
Well, this was a good poem, nicely put together and easy to read. The main idea goes through it well and you do deliver your message so I think you've accomplished your task with this. Good job, sorry I can't be much of a help. =]
Good luck with the contest!

-Shear

I thought this poem was nice, but not really exceptional. It was well worded and held my interest, but I had seen it all before. I did like the second stanza. The idea that the parts of your appearance that can be changed are subject to judgment while the born traits aren't is a great point and gave the poem more originality. How you proceed to edit this poem (if you edit it) should reflect what you want it to be. Right now it is an enjoyable, universally understandable poem. If that's what you're going for, I don't really have any criticisms for you. If you want it to be something that the reader will stop and think about, then you'll have to give some new insight or give it a more unique voice. Right now it's just outright telling me what I can do and what I can't do, which doesn't really provoke much thought.
Hope this helped. You're a very good writer and it shows through in this poem.