Young Writers Society

*Feeds crappy poem to the dogs* Eat it or rip it apart! 8D



-Shear
P.S. I want to change the title...




When the moon is bigger than the sun,
A noise will whisper in your ear,
A shadow will play beneath an open door
As the twisted path cries your name,
And sings of a passion you wish to hold,
An art you crave to obtain.

A certain power,
It becomes so tempting,
Making you take a trembling step forward.
The dancing essence falls on your fingertips,
Your lips stretch, welcoming the darkness
That envelops your once pure heart.

Through the ebony skies you fall,
Feeling the susurrus winds between your wisps of hair.
The door opens and swallows you whole,
Into this new land of inferno,
Where inspiration comes at the price of your sanity.

You feel the pen scratch against the paper,
You see the paint smear across the canvas,
You hear the words sing on your lips,
As all notions are given.

Madness grins with success
But the dollar bill means nothing,
For you sit in the silent corner
Feeding this addiction.

I really liked this poem, and I thought it was amazng
Really nice job
Now I want to see when the moon is bigger than the sun

Well hello there, Wubby.

I'm definitely no good at reviewing poems but I thought this was beautiful. The words flowed beautifully, softly, almost gliding off the page in a enchanted dance.

Brave, nicely done!

Tanya

My first impression was that this would be really shaky and have a feeble rhyme scheme, but actually it was really nice. You got deeper and deeper into this, and you could really feel it. I honestly can't say that I know completely what you're talking about, but at the same time it was really pretty and well-done. I don't think I have much to critique.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

When the moon is bigger than the sun,
A noise will whisper in your ear, I like these first two lines. I really like these first two lines.
A shadow will play beneath an open door
As the twisted path cries your name,
And sings of a passion you wish to hold,
An art you crave to obtain.

A certain power,
It becomes so tempting,
Making Personally, I think 'Makes' would serve better here you take a trembling step forward.
The dancing essence falls on your fingertips,
Your lips stretch, welcoming the darkness
That envelops your once pure heart.

Through the ebony brown skies? skies you fall,
Feeling the susurrus As a poet I suppose you're trying to add more to the poem, but I really don't think 'sussurrus is necessary. winds between your wisps of hair.
The door opens and swallows you whole,
Into this new land of inferno,
Where inspiration comes at the price of your head I feel like you could have used a word other than head, it messes with the flow of the poem. Price of life? Price of talent? I don't know, just not head.

You feel the pen scratch against the paper,
You see the paint smear across the canvas,
You hear the words sing on your lips,
As all notions are given.

Madness grins with success
But the dollar bill means nothing,
For you sit in the silent corner
Feeding this addiction.

All in all, I really like this. I mean, it's great. The last stanza makes me think that this is the imagination of some writer struggling to produce his next piece of work or something, I don't know; it's just the impression I get. But really, I hope you post more poems. This reminds me of one I read about the Earth's last days; it's very abstract and the kind of thing I read so that I can write good magic realism.

Great job Pink,

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. *likes*

This is so good! I love the details and discription you put into this, I would love to read some more sometime this is just breathtaking. You worked hard on this I can tell and your hard work has definately paid off, well done. Thank you for writing this.

I loved the flow the words seemed to fit together. Your thought seemed constant like you knew what you wanted to write about. I love the emotions in this poem Great Job!

All I have to say is "amen girl-friend", you have just described the serious case of Hypergraphia. The rhyming and the words were simple, yet effective. If you want to spice it up a little, I would put more dark/light comparisons. But other than small things, I LOVED it! Very fun, keep writing! It's awesome!

PinkShearwater wrote:When the moon is bigger than the sun,
A noise will whisper in your ear, The thing about listing, like this line and the line below, it can show what lines are unneeded. The line that doesn't flow with the other ones is unneeded. So drop the noise line. I don't believe it is needed. So remember that for your next piece.
A shadow will play beneath an open door Play how? And how does it play beneath an open door? This is just sooo confusing. I honestly don't know what to say besides change this or explain it to me. Please.
As the twisted path cries your name, But you were just inside with the door...? What path? Where's the relation?
And sings of a passion you wish to hold, The path sings or the shadow does?
An art you crave to obtain. I like the idea of holding passion, but I think this better says it. Or reverse the lines, so that the art describes the passion. If you're going to do things like this, try to put what is concrete first then the abstract so that we can mentally make the connection.

A certain power, You don't need to mention this a third time. The art / passion thing.
It becomes so tempting, you don't need the it. It interupts the flow.
Making you take a trembling step forward. You're trembling, with excitment? What is making you tremble? The temptation?
The dancing essence falls on your fingertips, I like this, but I don't see how the first three lines connect to it. Actually, the first three lines seem worthless. You can simply go from saying the passion in your hands to the dancing essence ect. ect.
Your lips stretch, welcoming the darkness I thought this was writing / drawing? Where does lips come into your hands? They have no relation. Also, this implies that someone / something else is involved with this, that gives you the darkness, what is it?
That envelops your once pure heart. Aren't all hearts originally pure? So you don't exactly need that.

Through the ebony skies you fall,
Feeling the susurrus winds between your wisps of hair.
The door opens and swallows you whole,
Into this new land of inferno,
Where inspiration comes at the price of your sanity.
This doesn't really relate to what is above. Maybe if this came before it? Like what is concrete comes first, what we can imagine from the real world then the abstracts.

You feel the pen scratch against the paper, A simile would work well here. Pens scratch at the paper like dogs at the door. Or something, you pick.
You see the paint smear across the canvas,
You hear the words sing on your lips,
As all notions are given. What notions? What words? You set yourself up for some good stuff, like if you quoted the words and they were really awesome. And how is this stanza connected to the insanity? How is it showing that insparation comes from insanity?

Madness grins with success I think madened grins of success would work better. Since you're still talking about us, not the emotions. Don't go off track.
But the dollar bill means nothing, This is random? Or is this the success? Or is the success actually being inspired by something, which makes this line worthless.
For you sit in the silent corner
Feeding this addiction. Good, I like the metaphor that it's addicting to write, because it really is.

Over all: I think you have some placement issues along with repeating what you've already said.

Remember, poetry can be like an essay when it comes to setting it up. You have to know what you want to say, you have to have your main ideas and their supporting details and they all have to relate and help us get that big idea at the end.

If this poem were an essay, what would you keep? How would you set it up? How would you have us follow your ideas from one to the next?

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

I don't know why, but it made me really sad.
I think it's because it reminds me of my faliure.
Weird, i know =)

I like your structure of your feelings. Plus I do like the title, but you could make it a little more intriguing. But I really liked it. Nice work!

This poem is not only really good...it's really beautiful. The imagery is fantastic and I think that placing the picture before the poem not only enhances it but lets your mind wander slowly but surely until you can imaging what you are reading. More in a way of intense imagery.

Anyways, this poem is really really good and I look forward to reading more of theses interesting poems.

Keep up the good work!!!