Young Writers Society

My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind.

Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.

I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.

I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance
all their own.

And you mouth,
the way it delicately held mine,
showing me a love
I had never known.

Love...
it seems so far away now.

I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present.

I can't take away the hurt.

I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you.

I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.

I'll ignore this stabbing pain,
I'll ignore this metaphorical hole
you left in my heart.

Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.

10/24/10

Nice, heartfelt poem. Depression is a strong theme here, with an undertone of anger. The whole thing has a sort of beautiful melancholy to it, you know? My favourite lines are:

I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.

Love...
it seems so far away now.

Anyway, great poem. Post on my wall if you write anything else!

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. I'm going to guess that this is your way of expressing your pain at some of the personal things you've been going through recently, so sorry about that.

Flower~Child wrote:My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind. Is this line needed? Or this stanza even? It goes to reenforce ideas below, and I say that because they present the same thing, in a better way. You show that memories are weighing on you because they keep replaying, I don't think you need this stanza.

Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.

I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked, You play food? Maybe if you said picking over it like a playlist or something like that, so it would match up. And if you pick the ones you like, obviously you skip the ones you hate.
and skipping the ones I hate.

I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything. What is everything? Just everything in the world? How boring.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance Again, I think you have some usless lines, remove the way and place your eyes there, delet everything above. It would say the same thing with less lines. You really need to clean out this poem.
all their own.

And you mouth,Your.
the way it delicately held mine, Better that above because it directly goes to how it works.
showing me a love
I had never known. Borrring, use a simile or metaphor, don't just blandly say that. you might as well have said, Wow, I never knew that, thanks!

Love...
it seems so far away now. I doubt you need this stanza.

I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present. You don't need the stanza above, show that love is further away, we could tell that something is missing just from this stanza, and not directly stating it would makeit far more interesting. And this is an overflow of consciousness /cliches. You should really find a different way to say this.

I can't take away the hurt. Cliche.

I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you. Still boring.

I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence. ARG. You don't need this at all. You went from describing how you loved this person to beating the living hell out of yourself. That's how things normally work as well but there's just too much inbetween the motions of this poem. And then there is quick and small transition, it's out of flow of how things should be said. There's so much description on one part of this then one or two lines transition then ten more lines and one or two for transition. You need to even this out.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.

I'll ignore this stabbing pain,
I'll ignore this metaphorical hoe I like this. I really do. Metaphorical hoe. lol.
you left in my heart. Skitzophrenia, I see! So you went insane with this tramatic happening, lovely, this is a good way to show. (I do realise that, that it can be a typo but yeah.)

Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough. This is completely out of tone with the two lines above. If anything, it should be at the end, and on it's own to make the connection that it's a conclusive thought, not just a random one.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.

10/24/10

Over all
You have a lot of useless lines and structure errors. I pointed them out.

You need to better show these things with the actions of what happened. Not your reaction, we want to see what made you have that reaction. Something more real.

And I am sorry for posting a half finished review but I was in class and the bell rang. Sorry lol.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.

Hello, Flower!
Again, I will apologize beforehand for my tasteless review.
I are not a poet. =)

My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind.

Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.

*This part there is quite beautiful, actually. Probably my favorite stanza out of all of them.

I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.

I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance
all their own. (Did you perhaps mean, all on their own?)

And you mouth, (Your mouth?)
the way it delicately held mine,
showing me a love
I had never known.

Love...
it seems so far away now.

I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present.

I can't take away the hurt.

I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you.

*Right now the repetitive "I" is a bit annoying to me. Maybe there is a way to go around that? More imagery, more similes.
I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.

I'll ignore this stabbing pain,
I'll ignore this metaphorical hoe (Um, hole? Aha.)
you left in my heart.

Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.

Overall, this poem seems to have some deep emotions in it. I liked some of your description and there were parts that were nicely jointed and others that could have been thought over twice.
Also, I'm a bit upset that she would want to be forgiven for not being good enough. Love and relationships need a balance and it's not fair to think that way. Of course, I could understand wanting the best for someone who you care about. I mean, as long as you put in effort and tried your best you can't say that you weren't good enough. Sorry for the boy, maybe they were just not compatible. However, there are plenty of fish in the sea. This couple will just be a happy, bittersweet memory in her head. Anyway, casting that thought aside this poem was nice, it could use some tweaking however.
All the best,

-Shear

Flower~Child wrote:My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind.

Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.
This stanza is a little confusing. Can you make this clearer?
I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like foodI find this odd. How can you pick over food?.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.

I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance
all their own.
I like this stanza
And you mouth,
the way it delicately held mine,
showing me a love
I had never known.

Love...
it seems so far away now.

I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present.

I can't take away the hurt.

I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you.

I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.

I'll ignore this stabbing pain,
I'll ignore this metaphorical hoeDo you mean hole here?
you left in my heart.

Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.

10/24/10

It's very good. It flows really well. I only had two questions, which are in bold up top. Keep going!

Flower~Child wrote:My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind.

Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.

I really liked these two stanzas. They flowed well, and I usually don't like poems with stanzas that have short lines. Unless of course, they're done well. The second stanza was my favourite, especially the first two lines. The last line was alright, but after the first two it seemed a little 'meh' to me.

Flower~Child wrote:I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.

I liked this stanza for the most part, though the imagery of food sort of changed to youtube videos after the 'playing'. Then again, I suppose that youtube videos are much less poetic than food. xD You could probably leave it, I think my brain is just being a little too picky.

Flower~Child wrote:I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance
all their own.

I loved this stanza. The imagery was awesome. Only one thing: I don't know if that period after the second line is needed or not. It would probably work either way though.

Flower~Child wrote:And you mouth,
the way it delicately held mine,
showing me a love
I had never known.

Love...
it seems so far away now

The first two lines were definately my favourite in this piece. The next two lines are alright, though not much compared to the first two. The next bit seemed a bit cliché. Other than that, I really liked this bit, too.

Flower~Child wrote:I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present.

I can't take away the hurt.

I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you.

I really liked this section. It was heartfelt, and I have to say I can agree. There isn't much else I have to say about this, so I'll move on.

Flower~Child wrote:I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.

This stanza made me sad. Which, I suppose it was supposed to. I don't understand how the poor girl could feel so pitiful about herself. But I won't get into that, as it has nothing to do with the review.

Flower~Child wrote:Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.

This last stanza was sad, but also, in a way, frustrating. Maybe that's just because I hate it when people degrade themselves like that.

Overall though, this was a good poem. The emotion was clear, and the imagery was was good. It flowed well, and I couldn't really find very many breaks.

Good work. ^-^

i really liked it...i could really relate to the words you were saying

Your poem is really good. It has great meaning. Thanks for sharing.

I really enjoyed this poem, it was very deep, very thoughtful. it seems like you really thought about what you where going to write. I liked it because it was rateable, because it was true, not only for you but it is something almost everyone can relate to. you have a lot of talent and i enjoy your work! keep writing!

My only issue is when you say 'metaphorical hoe.' The term just seems out of place in the 'bittersweet' of the poem. I felt the hurt, and I know how it feels. It's terribly sad and hopeful at the same time. I loved it, and usually I don't care for the non-rhyming types of poems, but this had great tempo and beat about it and I couldn't help but think it awesome. Keep writing, if only for the Broken's sake.