On My Reflections of the Hero

FWIW edit 2/11/11: this was intended to be an evaluation of reviewing on this forum. I wanted to see how others went about from my own perspective. This poem is far too messy and convoluted to be considered serious work. I attach my name to it with sweet, sweet acknowledgment that it just isn't good.
Hmm, took about two to three days to write this up. Poem type...it's several in one, so you decide. Kind of obsessed over it and had to get it done, or else. As it appears is exactly as intended (unless I forgot to elaborate somewhere). I don't take my poetry seriously, so I suppose that's worth knowing, maybe?
Please serve me some strong humble pie nonetheless. (Oh, yeah...it's long. I just kept writing more and more!)
edit: Can anyone tell that I was classically taught to read and write poetry? I'm curious.

-removed- (check a link below)

Hello there, Flower here as requested! I am happy that I have been chosen as your first reviewer for this poem.

On My Reflections of the Hero

In tales told long ago
Of men old, brave and bold,
Painted gold, immaculately woven; The first two lines rhyme, the the third line forces half a rhyme, and then you just stop. I would stick with either rhyming or not, otherwise the reader will remain confused. Another thing I noticed here is you capitalize every line. In poetry this isn't really nessecarry, but you can do as you please. I just prefer not to.
Legend become romantically scripted, There is an abrupt change here in your poem. I'm not really sure what you mean by this line.
Our fabled men in epic feat, wondrous deed, [b]I'm not really sure if you need wondrous deed here, it really doesn't add anything to your line. I would erase it. Your back on topic though, cudos to you on that!
Are products of nature's intention.
In our wonder
We set our hearts to reach
Their stars, I like the imagery in the last two lines.
To walk in place with their grace.

Yet, a hero's heart is seldom granted;
The call is more than just a task:
hero's live Here you abrubtly change from capital letter to non-capital letters. I think adding this to the previous line would sound better.
To confront the wicked and the villainous,
To take a stand against corruption,
To absolve us, from their deception.
Yet, a hero's heart does not beat, when When would sound better added to the next line.
Muted by the weak of mind,
Those permitting indecision, endless positing
“To take action or committee, or perhaps a motion altogether quitting?” This line seems awkward to me for some reason.

A hero cannot swear by word of mere mortal. Love this line!

Thus in a generation do a select chosen rise to occasion. Should it be to the occation. I think it would sound better.

For these few in voice is construed,
Their journey starts when life begins.

As greater forces do attest,
When hearing the beats from youth's breast,
then by litany’s
Choice, we take the test. [b]I would put choice on the line before this one.
Our fellow minded watch the trial
For passage through the inculcation,
Then follow through with repetition
Measuring out each, our every, single decision. I would get rid of the word each. It messes with the flow.
None shall pass
Until they show, a habit hammered through the mind
To mend with human kind, for in the soul we shall take
And never from the heart will it escape. Now your going back to rhyming. The change makes the poem very skattered about. It makes it harder to read, and it is also very distracting.

So we must break from the nest, young,
To never return to mother's song.
Believing as faith, the Father's breath, that
In our behest we all make clear: I don't like the word behest here. It makes it seem choppy.
To strike out evil where it lurks
To strangle demons in the pit
To slaughter vultures on the cliffs
In this we say, we must live,
In this we act, we must die. Love the lines following my last comment! They are beautiful.

A childe journeying, a sense of yearning Child doesn't need an e.
Burning bright in wanderer's night. Courage If you are going to put courage all to itself, make a line just for it. It sounds awkward there at the end of another line.
Budding to a hero's destiny,
We hold our hearts to stain our shirts
Giving the visage,
Playing the aggressor,
Loving the moment;
Oppressing the foulness like a leper. You don't really opress a leper. You flee from them so you don't get their illness.
Upon shirts we stain our morals, red,
Bringing bull from all around, in
Vehement clarity: that inner sin drives the sinner,
and by one's deeds the holy man becomes the winner. This seems all over the place to me. I would consider putting some words with other lines. Read over it again, and you will see what I mean.

Each and one of our kind, we see the chivalric
In its prime. Yet, Put yet on the next line.
To be a hero of the oath, to
Claim a life by the code,
Never do we walk together, but, to But to would sound better on the next line.
Stand in unison after death, as brothers do,
Collector's of our deeds glory,
Vacant mind of the debtor's story;
For what we do is the act,
A creed of heroes, timeless fact;
And to the recipient a moral lesson, the smallest deed,
And in the most, a mortal decision, for in our judgment
Shall all become the testament.

So goes the hero's life by the sword.

As we age, we take a moment to glance behind,
though seldom do we see a change.
Memory of life's devotion do not shake a hero's pride.
Which is fact, praising the Father in adulation,
Knowing as we knew when taught as young
That we are chosen in nature's request
to fertilize the soil with vermin remains,
to preach from the pulpit, our blade's only name.
Control is wrought in our discord,
against the horde of those who oppose
the righteous onset of our hand, to
bring them up from meager living,
so they may strive to follow our image,
While we continue, unfazed, emboldened,
surely a sign of divine interaction;
Yet, seldom brought is the promise of peace
Through countless conquests and civilizations seen
We cannot bring the ultimate dream.

And we age too fast, the sword goes slow.
Those that die young, they become immortal, or fade to ash
Fleeting memories of youthful past.
The arms are tired, our legs weary,
The heart is heavy,
We cannot hear nature clearly.

How life is cruel, when
Time must pass and
Seasons change, while
Dreams cannot remain.

The facade of earned glory
Shrinks away to another story
That those we save, turn, and convert
Are minded the same as our fellows,
Brutes are those who warp the word,
Fools are those who think nature is heard.
In absence away we are outcast,
Yet in presence together, one and the same.

Predilection and petty affection
Give not the faith of the Father's connection.
A hero's stride is not a run,
They do not walk upon the sun;
In the light of eternal night
A hero's plight is a sober thought
From hell to heaven, no answers given.
A hero's lesson is not taught,
But learned in the idle direction
of the Father.
The tales of men, idols gone past, are testament of
Dreams untold, written when deeds go cold.

Aspirations of grandeur, are
Just tools of the demurrer,
And in the end the hero's efforts
Grow gnarled, wicked, twisted, dead,
When seen for light of event's truth,
That no measure made or set, will reflect of
nature's approval, that no golden truth can be granted,
but that of the hero's life:
To fail upon the dream's once told
Of great men brave and bold.[/quote]


Ok. I didn't make any revisions on the last few stanza's, because the mistakes were the same. From reading what I put above you should be able to see what I mean. Most of your lines end awkwardly. By just putting a word on the next line you could have fixed it.

Also I believe that this was a bit long. I think the length wasn't nessecary. You could easily get rid of some of the line, reword other lines, and it would be an easier read. It wouldn't be so choppy, and the reader wouldn't get intimidated by the length. It would also sound a great deal better without the unneseccary things.

You punctuation seems a bit random here. A lot of it didn't seem nessecary. Be sure to read through it and see where you pause. Lot's of places that you put a pause, a pause wasn't needed. I would really work on that.

Like I said above you didn't seem to be able to make up your mind about rhyming. You need to either rhyme, or don't. It is very confusing if you do what you did above. It seems like you were playing with the idea, but didn't wan't to just bite into it.

I loved your use of language in this peice. I think some of the things were a little forced. Some of the big words weren't needed, but you played with the language well.

There isn't really much else to say. I hope my review was worth your time. I also want to thank you for picking me to review your work! If you ever need another review feel free to let me know.

-Flower-

Thanks for the review Flower!
I'd type up a complete response to everything you've said, but your review speaks for itself sufficiently.
The only things I will say, "childe" is two things I intended here: use of an archaic word to have ambiguous meaning and an allusion to Browning's "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came".
The leper usage was to castigate the hero's treatment to those they oppose (clearly didn't show this now that I look at it); leper's historically are portrayed as being avoided and put into colonies, but in reality they're not contagious as people think, and their limbs don't fall off. You might know that, but just to give background to my intention.

That gives me a lot of ideas and options to pursue in the future though, again, thanks for review! My poetry can be inundated with endless detail after twenty lines or so. You were patient to wade through.

My goodness, three-two days of work and you only got one review? You definitely deserved more than that. I'm going to download this and read it overnight, I'll maybe have a review by tomorrow.
From the quick read I did, I can already see a few places that I want to comment on, but that's for later.
Jenth

Hey! I put it as an attachment because I didn't want to mess up the highlighters. Bbcode, Y'no?

Jenthura wrote:Hey! I put it as an attachment because I didn't want to mess up the highlighters. Bbcode, Y'no?

Fair review Jenth, I like the time you spent and the intent to really break down the stanzas. I couldn't get a real grasp for this until someone else looked it over the entire way through. You and Flower might motivate me to revise this, so I'll see. Just had a fancy and put the first revised draft up. I think simplifying the overall theme and narrowing the scope would solve many of problems in terms of understanding the subject matter and each phrase. Thanks very much you two!