Young Writers Society

The soft blue waves lapped against the side of my sail boat. I peeled the plastic wrapper off my chocolate bar and took a bite, it was extravagant, I felt as if a parade were going on in my stomach, over and over again until the last bite of the candy bar had dropped into the bottom of my stomach. It was gone, but I couldn't complain.
It tickled as the beautiful butterfly landed lightly on my nose and I couldn't help but giggle. The insect's colors were wild, as if there was a rainbow on it's wings.
More beautiful butterflies almost floated towards me, fallowing the one on my nose as if the new arrivals were the townspeople and the butterfly on my nose was the mayor, like they obey him.
Maybe they were attracted to my chocolate bar, or my colorful bracelet as if it was a flower dangling around my wrist and they thought flowers were pretty too.
For some reason they seemed to amaze me, to mesmerize me. Nothing could possibly explain how I felt right now. It was like I was dreaming.
I made a mistake and extended my hand to the ones floating in the air. They all fluttered away like I was the monster and they were trying to escape me. They all left, until only the one on my nose would remain.
For some reason I felt like a lonely girl, about to die and decay on my sail boat alone on the water except nobody would ever care.
My heart sank, I wanted to bring the rest of them back so I pulled out the box from my pocket, hoping it would contain something so sweet they would all fly back to me. I opened the box and pulled out a raisin, hoping it would work as a payment of forgiveness.
And to my surprise they all came back, flapping their wings. I stared at them intently, holding out the little sun-dried grape. I was surrounded by butterflies, giggling and laughing the rest of the day.
* * *
I awake to the sound of something small hitting the floor, a crayon from my dresser. I got out of bed and walked out the door, ignoring the crayon fallen off the dresser and forgetting to make my bed.
I wanted to remember my dream, so I headed downstairs to the basement and stuck my hand into the pale, my palm emerging with a paintbrush and a package of paints like the ones you'd find in Paint-By-Numbers.
I'd never thought of myself as a painter, but I decided I'd paint a picture of me and the butterflies. I grabbed a folding easel and big piece of poster board and walked outside on the pavement.
I set up my little studio and dipped my brush in the blue paint, starting with the water then a darker blue for the sky. Then onto the sail boat and myself then the butterflies.
I painted the one on my nose first, using all colors, as if there was a rainbow on it's wings. Remembering the day I sailed the ocean blue just off the coast of my imagination.

The End
Thank you for reading!

Hey JDawn!

Beautiful story It makes me think of the mornings when I wake with this warm feeling and just want to pretend I never woke up. Sometimes I write down my dreams or talk about them to my sister so that I can remember them later It's not that awkward, as you said. Yes, it does jump quite a bit but I've done those kind of things in my french class and I know how hard it is to make it flow with all the words fitting in well, so I won't complain. You've done pretty well, because I can't tell what the words were!

Grammar wise, there's not much I found was wrong...

More beautiful butterflies almost floated towards me, fallowing the one on my nose as if the new arrivals were the townspeople and the butterfly on my nose was the mayor, like they obey him.

This sentence confused me a little. Did they floated towards you or not? The almost is not necessary here
or
you can do it like this:

More beautiful butterfliescame. Almost all floated towards me

They all left one by one, until only the one on my nose would remain.

They didn't all left if the one on your nose left.

That's pretty much all I saw
Good job!

-Truth-

Hey there! I'm Lise! I really enjoyed this! :] I love those dreams that you can remember and just picture. Haha. Like Truth said, it wasn't very awkward. Many people have said my writing is very confusing, so I'm sure no one can compete with me :] I did see some mistakes.

jDawn wrote:

Spoiler! :

I write this with inspiration from Adam Young's "Sky Sailing" Hope you like it! Also, the reason some of the similes and wordings are awkward is because I wrote this also for my teacher who gave me a challenge of using 24 specific words in my project.

The soft blue waves lapped against the side of my sail boat. I peeled the plastic wrapper off my chocolate bar and took a bite, it was extravagant, I felt as if a parade were going on in my stomach, over and over again until the last bite of the candy bar had dropped into the bottom of my stomach. It was gone, but I couldn't complain.
It tickled as the beautiful butterfly landed lightly on my nose and I couldn't help but giggle. The insect's colors were wild, as if there was a rainbow on it's its wings.
More beautiful butterflies almost floated towards me, fallowing following the one on my nose as if the new arrivals were the townspeople and the butterfly on my nose was the mayor, like they obey him.
Maybe they were attracted to my chocolate bar, or my colorful bracelet as if it was a flower dangling around my wrist and they thought flowers were pretty too.
For some reason they seemed to amaze me, to mesmerize me. Nothing could possibly explain how I felt right now. It was like I was dreaming.
I made a mistake and extended my hand to the ones floating in the air. They all fluttered away like I was the monster and they were trying to escape me. They all left, until only the one on my nose would remain.
For some reason I felt like a lonely girl, about to die and decay on my sail boat alone on the water except nobody would ever care.
My heart sank, I wanted to bring the rest of them back so I pulled out the box from my pocket, hoping it would contain something so sweet they would all fly back to me. I opened the box and pulled out a raisin, hoping it would work as a payment of forgiveness.
And to my surprise they all came back, flapping their wings. I stared at them intently, holding out the little sun-dried grape. I was surrounded by butterflies, giggling and laughing the rest of the day.
* * *
I awake to the sound of something small hitting the floor, a crayon from my dresser. I got out of bed and walked out the door, ignoring the crayon fallen off the dresser-- I don't know why, but this part kind of confused me. Do you mean: "Ignoring the crayon that fell off the dresser?" Sorry, just trying to clarify. and forgetting to make my bed.
I wanted to remember my dream, so I headed downstairs to the basement and stuck my hand into the pale, my palm emerging with a paintbrush and a package of paints like the ones you'd find in Paint-By-Numbers.
I'd never thought of myself as a painter, but I decided I'd paint a picture of me and the butterflies.-- It would be a picture of the butterflies and I. I grabbed a folding easel and big piece of poster board and walked outside on the pavement.
I set up my little studio and dipped my brush in the blue paint, starting with the water then a darker blue for the sky. Then onto the sail boat and myself then the butterflies.
I painted the one on my nose first, using all colors, as if there was a rainbow on it's wings. Remembering the day I sailed the ocean blue just off the coast of my imagination.

The End
Thank you for reading!

Like I said before, I found this very intriging and beautiful :] Great job!

-Lise

Hi Dawn, Pink here

I peeled the plastic wrapper off my chocolate bar and took a bite, it was extravagant, I felt as if a parade were going on in my stomach, over and over again until the last bite of the candy bar had dropped into the bottom of my stomach.

So, I think this is an awkward, long sentence. I suggest chopping this up, also I think the extravagant part should be left for last

It tickled as the beautiful butterfly landed lightly on my nose and I couldn't help but giggle. The insect's colors were wild, as if there was a rainbow on it's wings.

At this point, I'm wondering why there are butterflies near the ocean. But oh well! It is a dream!

fallowing the one on my nose as if the new arrivals were the townspeople and the butterfly on my nose was the mayor, like they obey him.

I don't think you need the 'like they obey him' part in there.

or my colorful bracelet as if it was a flower dangling around my wrist and they thought flowers were pretty too.

I don't understand what you were trying to say with the last part. Normally, I would imagine butterflies seeing flowers as delicious, since well, they drink their nectar. My apologies for being so logical >.<

Nothing could possibly explain how I felt right now. It was like I was dreaming.

Nothing could explain it, but you explained it as a dream. I would say, "Nothing could explain it better than a dream."

Remembering the day I sailed the ocean blue just off the coast of my imagination.

I personally just adore this line! :3

Overall
I think you did a great job at capturing the beauty of the dream. I liked how sweet and innocent it was, good job. But, I still think you could had added a bit more descriptions, something more deeper to paint it even more beautifully. Like describing the ocean or the sail boat and the way it rocks or the the sight of all the butterflies that surrounded her. Other than that though, I think you did a pretty job at capturing the emotion. Keep up the good work!

~Shear

Thanks for all the suggestions, I appreciate them so much!

Hello! I have come to review your work!

Ok, I really liked this. It was interesting, fun to read, and creative.

I did notice some grammar errors, but they have already been pointed out and I see no reason to repeat them. I would just read over the first paragraph. Especially the second sentence because it seems like a run-on to me.

PM me if you have any other questions!

Alrighty, thank you!

Hi!

I liked this a lot. It was really sweet and dreamy, it made me forget all the bad things life had to offer for just a second. It's so optimistic. Anyway, i did notice a few run on sentences, they really stop the flow and they sound wierd. I would read this over and touch it up and correct all the run ons.

I did notice a few gramatical errors but they've already been pointed out. Other than that i think this is really awesome. There's a small lack of description but I like it!

~ Teardrop