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Rebels In Silence Part 1



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Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:34 am
Winchester says...



Part one of my ebtery of Jdawns contest, hope you like:

Connor
She looked ill again, her eyes usually a dark stormy blue were now a light cloudy grey; like they had been for the last few days. I stood at my locker watching her trudge through the snow that covered the school parking lot through the window. She came through the school doors and hugged me

“Hey Sapphi, how ya feeling?” I asked as she squeezed me half to death.

She instantly let go and rolled her eyes at me “Connor I’m fine…stop asking me, it's just…just that time of month.
I let it go.
Sapphire and I had met two years ago when she joined New hope High. She was my best friend, and not to forget my only best friend. Because no-one wanted to hang out with the boy from the orphanage, plus no one wanted to hang out with the girl who hung out with the boy from the orphanage.
We hung out and talked in the school courtyard while sitting on one of the benches, until the bell for registration went.
The first half of the day went by pretty slowly, Sapphi was in my first classes but when it came to all the others I was alone, and I got lonely when she wasn’t moaning and falling asleep halfway through class.
I was sat in History, when someone busted through the door, I recognized him, it was Peter, the school nerd and teachers' pet.

“ Connor, the teachers need your help…Sapphire’s disappeared.”

I didn’t know why I didn’t burst out crying then.

We must have spent an hour looking for her all round the school until I finally got dismissed from school, the teachers said it was because I knew all of her favorite places so I might be able to track her down.


Sapphire
I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave Connor on his own. I’ve been told to take him with me. They’ve said he’s the one, but he can’t be I would know by now.
It was heart wrenching knowing I might never see that messy black and chocolate brown hair, shiny emerald eyes and cute cocky smile again.

Connor
I strolled down the towns main street on the brink of tears, Where is she? I thought, until I went into the coffee shop and saw her…I had to check twice but the dark auburn and plum hair was defiantly hers.
“Sapphire?” I whispered she looked up at me then squeezed me half to death…again.
“What are you up to at all?” I asked. I suddenly saw guilt in her eyes “ Connor, I’m leaving for something.” I couldn’t tell what she was on about, but she was close to tears.
“Connor.. I might be coming back, but all I know is that it's dangerous” then I clicked…she was telling the truth but she wasn’t going to go anywhere without me dangerous or not.
“I’m coming” I insisted “no your not..” she replied. The argument went on for a few minutes.

Sapphire
I was so close to giving in... I couldn’t though, we argued for a few more minutes until he pulled something out of his pocket and placed it in my hand. It was the most gorgeous necklace I had ever seen it was a heart shaped locket with a small sapphire diamond in the centre surrounded by different gems. All different colours. “ I was going to give it to you for your birthday, it was the only thing that my mum left me…open it” I did as he said, small tears making a journey down my cheeks, as I opened I smiled, it was a picture on me and him back to back cut in half, one of us in each frame. I knew he would never let me give it back to him, so I just hugged him and he whispered “Am I coming then” I was still smiling knowing for better for worst he was going to be there for me.
"yes. But you need to know the truth about me"
Last edited by Winchester on Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Winner, winner, chicken dinner" Wise words said by the one and only, Dean Winchester.
  





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Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:08 pm
pshhxhoney says...



*Appears in a puff of smoke* Hello, Rebel! I will be reviewing your story for today! Warning: I'm not the best of a review, so please forgive me if any of my corrections are wrong. Also, these are just suggestions that I think would improve your story. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be. The italics means that it is in your story, and anything bold is something I added or corrected. Now, off to reviewing!

She instantly let go and rolled her eyes at me “Connor I’m fine…stop asking me, it just…just that time of month.
I let it go.


She instantly let go and rolled her eyes at me, "Connor, I'm fine...stop asking me, it's just...just that time of the month"

Me and Sapphire had met two years ago when she joined New hope high.


Sapphire and I had met two years ago when she joined New Hope High.
I'm pretty sure it's Sapphire and I, but I am sorry if I'm wrong xD

She was my best friend, and not to forget my best friend.


I'm sorry, but I don't get why you have to repeat that she's you're best friend. You can just take out the part where it says, "And not to forget my best friend." It's not needed.

The first half of the day went by pretty slowly, I saw Sapphi in our first lesson all the others we were away from each other which is the reason it went by slow because you get lonely when you don’t have her moaning and falling to sleep half way through the lesson.


The first half of the day went by pretty slowly. Sapphi and I had first lesson together, but all the others we did not. The day went by slowly because I got lonely when I didn't have her moaning and falling asleep halfway through class.

This sentence you wrote is too long in my opinion. You can use the sentence I re wrote for you or can write one similar to it, I think it would make it better and less confusing.

recognised

It's spelt recognized.

teachers pet
.
teachers' pet

favourite

It's spelt favorite

I strolled down the towns main street on the brink of tears were is she? I thought, until I went into the coffee shop and saw her…I had to check twice but the dark auburn and plum hair was defiantly hers.


I strolled down the town's main street on the brink of tears, Where is she? I thought, until I went into the coffee shop and saw her. I had to check twice but the dark auburn and plum hair was definitely hers.

I suddenly saw guilt in her eyes “ Connor I’m leaving for something.”


I suddenly saw guilt in her eyes, "Connor, I'm leaving for something."

“Connor.. I might be coming back all I know that its dangerous” then I clicked…she was telling the truth but she wasn’t going to go anywhere without me dangerous or not.


"Connor...I might be coming back, but all I know is that it's dangerous

centre


I don't know if it was intentional, but this is spelt center.

“ I was going to give it you for your birthday, it was the only thing that my mum left me…open”


"I was going to give it to you for your birthday, it was the only thing that my mum left me. Open it.

I knew he would never let me give it him back so I just hugged him and he whispered “Am I coming then”


I knew he would never let me give it back to him,so I just hugged him and he whispered, "Am I coming then?

I was still smiling knowing for better for worst he was going to be there for me…”yes. But you need to know the truth about me”


I was still smiling knowing for better or worst he was going to be there for me.
"Yes, but you need to know the truth about me.


Overall, I liked this a lot. It was interesting and it pulled me in right away. I see a lot of potential in this. I really want to know what she means about him being the one and I really want to know where she it going! I can't wait to read the next part! Well, I hoped I helped!

-Pshhxhoney
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky
  





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Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:52 pm
ForsakenAngel says...



Wow...I like it! Really I didn't think I would..don't ask why, I just had one of those feelings. But I like it! I don't review often and I'm glad I'm taking my time to say I liked it! LOVED it! Keep writing and if you need me to review anything else, PM me!
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

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Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:22 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Reb, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

She looked ill again, her eyes usually a dark stormy blue were now a light cloudy grey;


Dark, light, stormy, cloudy, you don't need so many adjectives.

She came through the school doors and hugged me


Full stop at the end.

She instantly let go and rolled her eyes at me “Connor I’m fine…stop asking me, it's just…just that time of month.


Full stop after me, and close your speech marks after month.

I was sat in History, when someone busted through the door, I recognized him, it was Peter, the school nerd and teachers' pet.


Run-on sentence!

“What are you up to at all?” I asked. I suddenly saw guilt in her eyes “ Connor I’m leaving for something.” I couldn’t tell what she was on about, but she was close to tears.


“What are you up to at all?” I asked. I suddenly saw guilt in her eyes.

“ Connor I’m leaving for something.” I couldn’t tell what she was on about, but she was close to tears.


“Connor.. I might be coming back all I know that its dangerous” then I clicked…


Learn your dialogue punctuation.

Alright.

II. POINT OF VIEW

The one thing that strikes me about this is that you're shifting back and forth between the two. Which is fine, great. But look at your first point of view from Sapphire. All it does it tell us what she thinks of Connor. Which we could find out anyway. Does it then serve an imperative purpose? No.

The trick with this is to only switch when it's necessary to the story. Don't just think that you're not paying one character enough attention and change to them. Tell the story from both sides if that's how you're going to do it- but just make sure you tell a story. And don't just switch to one so you can describe the other.

III. OVERALL

Actually, the premise wasn't bad. Your dialogue could use a little work, and your grammar deteriorated towards the end- pay attention to that.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:56 am
Hecate says...



Some nitpicks :D

rebelinsilence wrote:It was the most gorgeous necklace I had ever seen it was a heart shaped



rebelinsilence wrote:“ Connor, the teachers need your help…Sapphire’s disappeared.”
- It would work better if you just used a period instead of an ellipsis.



rebelinsilence wrote:They’ve said he’s the one, but he can’t be I would know by now.
They said, not they've said.



Stella Thomas wrote:of tears, Where is she?
Period, not comma.



rebelinsilence wrote:“I’m coming” I insisted “nshould be a capitalo you're not..” She
-


So, there are quite a few grammar mistakes, which you should fix, I've pointed some of them, and I see that other people have too.

Plot


The plot was good. Nothing amazing, though. Girl and boy set out on an adventure, because the boy is the chosen one and they fall in love. It is a bit of a cliché but then again, some writers can take a cliché and make something amazing out of it, may be you're one of them! Looking forward to the next part ;)


Characters


Well, they are outcasts, which I guess goes nicely with the fact that they're 'different'. Chosen to do something, as your story goes. So that's pretty good :P . We don't learn much about the characters, just that they really care about each other, so I can't really comment much. But hopefully, soon you'll reveal some more about your characters.

Overall


I feel like you've rushed it a bit. I think you should sit down, re read it and make the necessary changes. I feel like this could be a really strong piece, and I think you can do it, you just have to devote a bit more time to it. Through your story, try to reveal your characters to us a bit more, so we learn to love them. At this point, they are just two strangers we don't know much about.
  








Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
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