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Gaurdian- chapter 3



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Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:41 am
Skeen says...



Chapter 3
The Dinner Party

The next day Ian awoke around noon as usual, he pulled himself out of bed, and got ready for the day by going about his normal morning routine. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, and jumped into some shorts and a tee shirt in a carefree fashion; however he couldn’t help but feel as if he was forgetting something, something important. Everything was normal until he noticed a slight glimmer in the corner of his eye. As he turned to see what it was, his forward morning momentum was stopped cold by the sight of a little golden coin on his desk. Immediately he remembered everything, and it suddenly hit him that the events that he believed to have imagined, were not imagined, they were in fact real, as real as the small golden coin on his desk.
For hours that day Ian waited and waited for Audrey to stop by, after the fast paced chain of events that had occurred yesterday it felt strange for him to be sitting around doing nothing. The slowness of the day in comparison to yesterday was maddening, and reduced him to pacing the floor in his bedroom for hours. Eventually he calmed himself down and decided to go down to his spot at the tree and wait to see if Audrey would come by.
As Ian lay under the tree he tried his hardest to just relax a little, but every time he did he would think only think about yesterdays events even more, causing him even more unrest. He was like a tumbling snowball of nerves, every time he would try to not think about yesterday he would only end up doing it more, it just kept building up and up and up. His frustration and unrest eventually grew to a point where he could no longer stand it.
About an hour later Ian’s stress had finally gotten to him physically, and before he knew it he was sound asleep under the tree, in a comfortable nerve free nap. The nap however was short lived, and not to much later Audrey had stopped by and found Ian asleep under the tree. As she approached Ian however she did not wake him, she instead sat down against the tree next to him, and gazed at the clouds as they casually drifted by.
“Things are never going to be the same Ian” whispered Audrey to herself as she continued to gaze at the clouds. Audrey had come to love this place, the tree, as they had come to call that particular spot. It was positioned just on top of a small lump of a hill in the middle of a field. The rolling hills around them were covered in a perfect sea of tall grass that swayed gently swayed in the breeze, producing a sound similar to the ocean tide. Not another tree was in sight to blight the perfect sea of grass, this was the only tree in the field, and it seemed to be right in the center of it. The tree itself was a large and beautiful oak tree, which was perfect for getting away from the summer heat underneath its shade. Ian and Audrey had been coming to this tree for as long as they could remember, and filled it with memories. Eventually Audrey drifted to sleep as well, and the two just slept there underneath its shade, without a care in the world.
Eventually Ian awoke from his nap and immediately realized something was different and out of place. As he looked to his right he found his explanation, and to his surprise Audrey had fallen asleep next to him, her head leaned on his shoulder. Ian shook Audrey as he repeated her name to wake her up.
“What are you doing here?” asked Ian as she finally awoke.
“What do you mean what am I doing here” replied Audrey as she reached her arms over her head in a stretch. “I always come here”.
Ian sighed. “ never mind that, what I mean to say is that we really need to talk. You know, about yesterday. You said that I wasn’t crazy, and I was really hoping you could prove that.”
“Yah, I suppose we do need to talk” Said Audrey with a more serious look on her face. “But not here, come on, lets go.”
“Go where, what are you talking about.” Said Ian as his eyes followed Audrey as she got up from the ground.
“To my place” said Audrey in a casual tone as she walked off. “You coming or not” she said as she turned around to a surprised and motionless Ian.
Ian nodded his head in response. Audrey’s house he thought. He had never seen or been to Audrey’s house before, she had always been dodgy whenever Ian had brought it up, so, he decided a long time ago to just stop asking. This made it surprising to Ian, that after all those years of avoiding it she would invite him over now, and in such a strangely casual way, as if it was no big deal.
William felt a great excitement come over him as they walked down the dirt country road toward Audrey’s house. He had always wondered what her place would be like, was it so small and rundown that she was always too embarrassed to show him, or could it be that she lived in a very large house or mansion, and never invited him over to avoid causing him to be envious, and possibly not have him see her as a normal person like himself. William hoped she didn’t feel either of those ways, because he sure didn’t.
“Don’t worry” he thought to himself reassuringly, “I’m sure there is a perfectly good, and very normal reason for her not inviting him over sooner”. Or at least he hoped so.
As they finally came up to strip leading up from the road Ian’s heart began to race. What was it going to be Ian thought, the mansion, the poor run down shack of a house, or the bridge? Of course it turned out to be neither of these, and instead was somewhere in between the mansion and the run down shack, or rather a mixture of the two.
In front of Ian sat a large manor, which wasn’t in its prime condition as its paint has chipped and faded, its shingles cracked, and some of its windows boarded up. The yard or garden surrounding the house wasn’t well managed either, the grass had grown out and been infested with weeds, the hedges had grown out of control, and the flower beds remained barren and empty. Of course you cant judge a book by its cover thought Ian, it could still be more inhabitable on the inside than it appeared to be on the outside.
After further examination however it finally hit Ian of just where he was exactly. At that moment he realized immediately that this was none other than the old Ashford Manor, which used to be the center of the Ashford plantation over one hundred years ago until its abandonment. He had heard rumors of it being haunted, and of strange things happening on the manor grounds. It was the main talk of the school when a mischievous group of boys decided to snoop around the place for a thrill. The next day they were all found about a mile or so up the road from the manor, without a memory of their little tour the night before.
“Umm, you do know what this place is don’t you Audrey” said Ian with a shaky voice.
“Yah, I’m pretty sure its my house moron” said Audrey with an eyebrow raised. “Wow you look really pale, are you going to be alright?”
Ian snapped out of his horrified stare at the house. “Yah, I’m all right” he lied.
“Well, then what are you standing around for, come on” said Audrey as she took his hand and brought him up the front steps to the door.
As they stepped through the front door Ian was shocked at the interior of the manor as opposed to the exterior, which wasn’t what he had expected it to be. The floor was tiled with white marble, and a large crystal chandelier hung above them. Ahead of him two identical twin staircases curved down from the left and the other from the right to meet them from the overlooking balcony of the second floor. It wasn’t what he would have expected from an alleged haunted house, not in the least bit. Various decorations filled the house, grand portraits covered the walls, and masterfully crafted rugs covered the floors. Ian was left in shock and aw while Audrey saw it as nothing more than the usual.
Audrey, still grasping Ian’s hand led him through the house as he continued starred around with his mouth open in amazement. As they came to the second floor they cut down a long hallway and came to a room which Ian believed to be Audrey’s. When they entered the room there was almost as dramatic a change in scenery as there had been with the outside of the manor as opposed to the inside. Audrey’s room was nothing more than what he would have had expected a normal girls room to look like, it certainly didn’t compliment the splendor of the rest of the house, not in its layout nor in its décor. The rooms layout wasn’t too far off from Ian’s room, and from what he could tell, the décor was all the junk a normal girl would fill her room with. Stuffed animals and the such.
“Wait here said Audrey, and make yourself comfortable, I might be a while.”
“Ok” said Ian who hadn’t any objections. He had sort of learned to just go with it by now.
After Audrey left the room Ian plopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Audrey probably chose such a normal room for a reason thought Ian. Maybe she preferred normality over the lifestyle she lived, that would explain when she spent so much of her time at Ian’s house, it probably made her feel like a normal person.
Judging by the amount of light remaining outside Ian could tell that it was getting kind of late, and by the growling of his stomach he could tell that he was getting kind of hungry. Of course, he was seventeen, when was he not hungry? As time passed by Ian sat on the bed and continued to stare at the ceiling and twiddle his thumbs. His eyes moved about the room until they landed on a small book sitting on Audrey’s desk. When Ian realized it was a diary he felt a sudden temptation come over him, and he was starting to wish he had never seen it, it was like a black hole of temptation that was sucking him in, pulling him closer and closer until he finally give in. “Come on Ian, she owes you an explanation for all of this, you can get it right now if you want” thought Ian. “She owes you, She owes you” was the thought that kept running through his mind. Despite whether the thought was true or not, all he needed was the smallest reason to pull him off the edge, even if it was a false reason.
After he had made up his mind he wasted no time in opening the diary and flipping to the most recent entries, those would be the ones that would have something in them about all that’s been going on recently. Ian came to an entry that looked promising and stuck his intrusive nose into it in hopes of finding some answers.
Today William was telling me about all the strange dreams he’s been having recently, it’s hard to be sure but I think its starting, I think he’s changing.
“Changing?”Thought Ian, “what’s that supposed to mean, am I some sort of an experiment or something? Ian skimmed through all the boring stuff and stopped once again on a more promising entry.
I found all my suspicions to be true today when William sent three kids from town through the air simultaneously. There is no doubt in my mind that he’s ready, but, I’m not so sure if I am. If I tell father about this everything will change, for the better or for the worst I’m not sure, But I do know that I’m happy with my life the way it is, I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want William to change.
Just then Audrey came through the and suddenly froze as she saw Ian sitting there with her diary. Her face quickly blushed over as she came for the diary.
“No, stop! How much have you read!” yelled Audrey as she quickly ran up to him and snatched it out of his hands, her face blushing bright red.
“Only the last page” said Ian in a small voice, who was now feeling as stupid as ever.
“What made you think you could just go through my diary like that, that’s private-”
“I know” said William cutting her off mid rant. “ I shouldn’t have gone through your diary like that, and I’m sorry. Its just that I thought I might find an explanation to everything that’s been going on the past few days, and you made it seem like you knew something I didn’t. I’m sorry; really, I let my curiosity get the best of me I suppose”
Audrey starred at him for an awkward second until accepting his apology and backing off.
“So, you only read the last page?” asked Audrey in a much calmer voice now.
“Yeah I swear” Said Ian quickly.
“Well, that’s good then I suppose.” Replied Audrey as she let out a sigh of relief, and the blushing on her face eased. “But don’t you ever try something like that again Creed, you hear me?” said Audrey suddenly with a raised voice again.
“Right, got it, never again” said Ian who was now sitting up strait once more from the sudden outburst.
“Anyways, dinners ready, so hurry up, we don’t want to keep everyone waiting.” said Audrey in an attempt to break the awkward silence.
Ian’s stomach growled at the thought of food, maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea, but what was that about keeping everyone waiting. Could she mean her family? Ian had never met any of Audrey family members before, the thought of meeting them made him all of a sudden fell nervous.
As they headed back down the stairs Audrey led the way until they suddenly rounded a corner and, without warning, came upon a large dining room in which seemingly Audrey’s entire family was already there waiting for them, seated around a large table oval shaped table. Immediately as they entered the room everyone seated around the table had their eyes on Ian. And their eyes, how similar to his own they were he thought as they studied him from across the room.
The initial silence however was broken when the person seated at the very end of the table stood up and opened his arms outward in a greeting. “Welcome Ian, we have been expecting you for longer than I would care to remember. Please, take a seat” said the man as he motioned to the empty chair next to himself.
“Wait! That voice!” thought William as he studied the man who had just spoken to him “could it be?
“I’m sorry” said Ian who was still standing at the other side of the room. You know my name, but I don’t recall we ever met, Mr.?”
“Almnas, and just Almnas” said the man whose bright blue eyes gazed straight into Williams. “I am Audrey’s father and the head of this family. And as a matter of fact I believe we have met before, however as informal as it was, it was a meeting none the less.”
Ian’s eyes widened as he realized that this was without a doubt the man from his very dreams, and the man to whom he had spoke with the night before.
“Ah, I can see by the surprised look in your eyes that you remember now.” There is a lot you can tell by looking into ones eyes, and even more so with our own kind. “Come now, sit and eat Ian, we have much to discuss.”
“What did he mean by, our own kind” thought Ian as he walked over to the seat next to Almnas while feeling the piercing eyes of everyone else in the room follow him there. Audrey had followed him and seated herself next to him, slightly easing his discomfort of being surrounded by strangers.
“My dear friends and family” cried Almnas as he stood up from the table, and positioned himself behind Ian’s chair. “The day that we, as well as our fathers and their many fathers before them had waited for all these years has finally arrived. Our long journey, and all those lost along the way alas are not in vain. We have hunted and been hunted by the dark ones, and have prevailed to meet our savior, who has come through from the other side to bring us to the home of our ancestors. My friends, I give you now our savior, who is now able to guide us to the other side, to fulfill a purpose not yet reviled. My friends, I give you Ian!”
The others around the table started to chant in a strange language in response to Almnas’s speech. Ian just sat in his chair frozen, not knowing if he should do or say anything. Was Audrey’s family a part of some strange cult or something?
“Well, now that we are all finally here, it would seem appropriate to introduce you to our family Ian” said Almnas as he moved out from behind Ian’s chair. As he went around the room he introduced Ian to everyone else seated at the table, and as Ian’s eyes followed them as they were introduced he noticed that all of them had eyes like his own, which glowed in magnificent color. When Almnas had finally finished, Ian had already forgotten just about every name introduced, as they all sounded so strange and foreign. He thought it strange that Audrey was the only one with a seemingly normal name in the entire family.
“Now that we are all familiarized, its time to eat, and discuss of course” said Almnas as he gestured to everyone in the room to eat.
Audrey was the only one in the room who wasn’t eating, she just stared at her food and moved it about her plate with a fork. The look on her face almost seemed depressed, but William had no idea why she would feel that way.
“Now Ian” said Almnas catching Ian off guard while he stuffed food into his mouth. “ It would seem appropriate to start from the beginning, and tell you everything from there. Now, where to start, oh my I’ve waited seventeen years for this day and I don’t even know where to begin, please forgive me” laughed Almnas.
Ian had stopped eating now, his full attention was on all that Almnas was telling him, for he now realized that even though he hadn’t always known it, he too had been waiting for this day for seventeen years, for the explanation he deserved, but never got.
“You Ian are not a normal person, nor is anyone else in this room, we are all, how should I say it, unique.”
Audrey had now stopped moving her food around with her fork, and sat frozen there without blinking. Although she was staring down at her plate, she was completely focused on all that her father was revealing to Ian.
“Each and everyone in this room possess a power within themselves unlike any other, and with this power we are capable of things not considered normal on this world, nor could be understood by this world, that is why we have kept it secret. Perhaps a demonstration of just what I am talking about will clear things up for you, and to my understanding, you have witnessed something like this before, so it should not be a complete shock to you.”
Almnas then stood up from his chair and suck his hand out in front of him; Upon doing so, an apple sitting on a plate on the other side of the room suddenly whizzed toward him into his grasp. All eyes were now on Ian to see his reaction to the display.
Ian’s reaction wasn’t what he would have expected of himself either, he didn’t rub his eyes or let his mouth drop open in disbelief, he simply sat there with his eyes fixed on the apple in Almnas’s hand with an expressionless face, because deep down he knew it to be real, and not a trick.
“You took that better than I thought you would” said Almnas with a smile as he tossed Ian the apple, “so I take it you’ve known about it for some time?”
“Not really, the first time I had experienced something like this was only recently. I told myself afterward that it wasn’t real, but despite of what I thought, something inside of me wanted to believe it to be true, because if it was, then I would be able to add one thing to the very short list of what I know about myself already and who I am.
“Ian, who you truly are, is far more than you would have ever believed yourself to be, and your importance is far greater than you would have ever dared imagined, but in time you will come to see it” said Almnas.
“Now, you said that you performed an act that shouldn’t be possible, but you don’t know how or why it happened, is that correct?” Asked Almnas.
“Well I suppose that if it wasn’t just my imagination then it must be magic of some sort but-” Ian was cut off by Almnas’s sudden outburst of laughter as well as the laughter of the others in the room.
“Magic my dear boy?” laughed Almnas. “Magic is tied to the ridiculous idea that something can come from nothing, and what you have just witnessed is far from that. This gift of ours comes from the very root of all things that are; our creator.
“I suppose that makes sense” Said Ian who was actually having trouble believing it. To him was all like having a lesson on the anatomy of fairies and pixies, he didn’t quite believe the concept, yet it was all being explained to him in detail.
“That’s good!” said Almnas in delight to Ian’s positive response to all he had just said. “Now that you have accepted what you are capable of, its time you learned just who you are, and where you and the rest of us came from. We are all of us alien to this world Ian, our true home is known to us as Arkon, and we believe to have been prevented from being able to return there countless years ago.
“Those many years ago our worlds were once connected by a force that ruled over everything, and continues to rule over everything. This force that I speak of brought our worlds together to be in unity, however no longer. The connection was severed, stranding those not of this world here with the humans. Our kind was forced to live with the humans, however we went about doing so quietly, avoiding the humans best we could to keep Earth from becoming a false home. For generations we searched for a way to return home, and have hunted and been hunted by the dark ones.”
Ian sat there trying to take in all that Almnas had just told him. It all seemed al bit far fetched to him, but then again how could he argue with a man who had just used his mind to grab an apple from the other end of the room, William saw no reason for Almnas to be lying, however he still couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around it all, at least not immediately.
“Ian” said Almnas to regain his attention. “All I have just told you brings me to my conclusion. I believe with all my heart that we had been outcast from our home for a reason, and that reason is you.”
“Me, what are you talking about” said Ian who had now gone from disbelief to confusion.
“There is a force at play here Ian that is beyond our understanding” said Almnas. “It crossed our paths together so that a plan greater than you or I would unfold. And I refuse to believe that we were sent here simply to be without reason; to waist away on world not our own.”
Before allowing Ian time to respond to this he pulled out a strange object tied to a chain from his long leather coat. “let me clarify if I may” said Almnas in a very steady and serious voice.
A few hundred years ago our kind was drawn to this town on a quest to find a way to return home, And about seventeen years ago we found our reason for being drawn to such a place. It was seventeen years ago that we had noticed something unusual happening nearby, so, naturally I went to investigate. When I arrived at the scene I witnessed great hole in the very air open up, and out of it came you. Then, as quickly as this hole had arrived it without warning disappeared. As I examined you I quickly realized that you were one of us, and must have been sent from Arkon, but why, I knew not. I also noticed a peculiar item fastened around your neck as you lay there. For hours on end I could have sat there and speculated on the meaning of all that had just happened, however I was forced to make a decision at a moments notice when a human had arrived at the scene, probably driven by curiosity just as I had been, and for that I could not blame him. However the unexpected surprise sparked in me an idea, and I allowed the man to take you with him for various reasons. Of course I didn’t just let him take you and disappear forever, I tracked him down and watched him for some time until concluding that you would be safe with him than you would be with us. And after all that and a little bit of waiting we have been brought to this day.”
“So that’s how it all really happened” said Ian with a laugh. “I had always been told growing up that I was an orphan, abandoned by my parents on my stepfather’s front steps. He never told me what really happened that night, though, I cant say I blame him, most people would choose to forget something like that, something that had the potential to shatter your whole world, and force you to reconsider everything you knew. Its not something most people would choose to accept easily, especially from someone like my stepfather.”
“But you wouldn’t make such a choice would you Ian” said Almnas, who was referring to Williams similar situation now.
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t” replied Ian who had made the comparison.
“You must be wondering where all I have just told you puts us now, and I assure you our position is quite simple. I believe that you can use this object to re-open the portal you had come through, allowing us all to return to Arkon.”
In the silent moment that Almnas had given Ian to consider his proposal, Audrey suddenly stood up from her seat and burst out in objection.
“Father, why are you bringing yourself to believe that returning would be a good thing, did it ever occur to you that Ian may very well have been sent here for his own safety, and that Arkon could no longer be safe? And what are you hoping to find on the other side that we don’t already have here? We all live here safely in this house, and have everything we could possibly need and more. Maybe you should consider the fact that some of us have come to see this place as a home now, and are happy here. For some of us, namely Ian and me, Earth has been the only home we have ever known. Did you ever consider that Father?” said Audrey with a risen voice, who was now trying to catch her breath.
Almnas didn’t respond to Audrey, she instead looked to Ian to see what his response would be. Audrey was looking at Ian too, but with a worried face full of emotion, in fear of what he might say.
“I’m sorry” said Ian, who was feeling under pressure as he stood up from his chair. It was far too much for him to agree to such a thing, especially after everything he had just taken in.
“I’m with Audrey on this. I’m still trying to accept all that you have just told me about my past and everything, and now your asking me to go away with you to some other world that I have only heard about until just now. Its just too much for me too take in, and even if I did, I’m not so sure that I would want to leave Earth behind, this is my home, and the only home I have ever known, I cant just up and leave it just like that.”
Audrey looked up at him with a look of relief on her face, and the others just stared with blank faces, as if they hadn’t anticipated such a response.
“Personally I think that all of you should consider just what it is you have here, and what it is you expect to find on this other world.”
“Believe me Ian, I have considered it many times over and my resolve remains unmoved,” said Almnas as he too stood from his chair. “ However I believe you simply need time to take all of this in. Audrey can show you to an available room for your stay.”
“My stay, what do you mean by that?” said Ian who had no intentions of staying overnight.
“Well, I didn’t think it would be polite to send you out into the pouring rain, as you are still our honored guest, and I don’t believe it will be letting up anytime soon”
“Pouring rain, how would he know that?” thought Ian; there wasn’t a window in the room. Ian looked at him like he was crazy, but then thought better of it when he remembered his little stunt with the apple mere minutes ago. It was hard to argue with someone like that.
Ian then without another word left the room, with Audrey following behind him. When he came to the front of the house, he could see out the window that it was indeed raining, of course he wasn’t all that surprised, yet at the same time he was, this was all still so new to him, this strange power, or whatever it was called.
From there Ian let Audrey take the lead as she once again brought him up the stairs to the second floor. Audrey lead Ian down the same hallway that they had before, only this time they traveled two doors down from Audrey’s room, and came to a door on the opposite side of the hall. Ian opened the door and found that inside was a bedroom about the same size as Audrey’s that looked as if it had recently been prepared for him, it was almost as if they were expecting for him to stay, even before his arrival.
As Ian walked into the room and looked around a bit, Audrey stepped inside from the hall and shut the door behind her, leaving the two of them alone.
“Audrey, what are you do-”
“Listen Will,” said Audrey cutting him off. “I said we needed to talk before, and-”
“Audrey, what are you talking about, we just did talk, and I found out more than I would have ever cared to,” said Ian, now cutting her off.
“No, what you heard in there was my father talking, not me. Listen Ian, did you really mean what you said back there, you know, about agreeing with me?”
“Of course I did, I’m not about to leave my home just because a bunch of strangers asked me to.”
“Good” said Audrey. “ Also, Will, about my journal-”
“What, I said I’m sorry already, why are you bringing this up again?” said Ian, now sounding a little annoyed.
“No, no, its not like that, I was just going to say that I…well, I was sort of asked by my father to keep an eye on you, ever since we first met, and-”
“And your trying to say that your sorry for not telling me all this earlier, and your worried that I might get the wrong idea that you only hung out around me because you were asked to by your father.” said Ian, finishing Audrey’s sentence. “Don’t worry, I know that’s not true, and I forgive you for not telling me about everything sooner”
Audrey just stood there with her mouth still open from where Ian had cut her off, she then smiled, knowing that Ian had stolen the words right from her mouth. “Thanks for understanding; I never thought anyone could forgive something like that so easily” She said with a laugh.
“For me, since I have no blood relatives that I know of, my family is everybody around me that I care about, and family forgives each other” said Ian with a smile. After his last words sat in the silence for a moment Ian glanced back at Audrey, curious as to why she hadn’t said anything in response.
Audrey looked as if she was going to cry as she suddenly ran up to William and hugged him. Ian, who was sort of surprised at this froze for a moment, until finally hugging her back.
“Thanks” said Audrey quietly as she hugged him. “Err, your welcome” said Ian as he awkwardly patted her on the back.
Audrey finally let go of him and began to leave the room until stopping in the doorway for a moment.
“You know Ian” said Audrey as she stood in the doorway looking over her shoulder, “your more like us than you think, but please don’t let all of this change you, its best that way.” Audrey then shut the door behind her, without giving Ian time to respond.
Wantid in 51 stiats bi teh gramer polece.
  





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Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:43 am
*coco says...



Skeen wrote:Chapter 3
The Dinner Party

The next day Ian awoke around noon as usual, he pulled himself out of bed, and got ready for the day by going about his normal morning routine. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, and jumped into some shorts and a tee shirt [isn't it supposed to be t-shirt] in a carefree fashion; however he couldn’t help but feel as if he was forgetting something, something important. Everything was normal until he noticed a slight glimmer in the corner of his eye. As he turned to see what it was, his forward morning momentum was stopped cold by the sight of a little golden coin on his desk. Immediately he remembered everything, and it suddenly hit him that the events that he believed to have imagined, were not imagined [at all], they were in fact real, as real as the small golden coin [now sitting] on his desk.
For hours that day Ian waited and waited for Audrey to stop by. After the fast paced chain of events that had occurred yesterday it felt strange for him to be sitting around doing nothing. The slowness of the day in comparison to yesterday was maddening [I'm not very fond of that word, maybe you could just try 'driving him mad'?], and reduced him to pacing the floor in his bedroom for hours. Eventually, he calmed himself down and decided to go down to his [usual] spot by the tree and wait to see if Audrey would come by.
As Ian lay under the tree, he tried his hardest to [take out 'just'] relax a little, but every time he did he would think only [take out repetition of 'think'] about yesterdays events even more [okay, so I'm not a fan of this line.I get what you're trying to say, but you haven't managed to say it properly. Why not try 'his mind would constantly bring him back to yesterdays events-the man, the cloak...' do you see how much better that sounds?], causing him even more unrest. He was like a tumbling snowball of nerves, every time he would try to not think about yesterday he would only end up doing it more [your pretty much repeating the same thing here], it just kept building up and up and up. His frustration and unrest eventually grew to a point where he could no longer stand it.
About an hour later, Ian’s stress had finally gotten to him physically, and before he knew it he was sound asleep under the tree, in a comfortable nerve free nap. The nap, however, was short lived, and not [take out the 'to'] much later, Audrey had stopped by and found Ian asleep under the tree. As she approached him, however, she did not wake him, instead she sat down against the tree next to him, and gazed at the clouds as they casually drifted by.
“Things are never going to be the same, Ian” whispered Audrey to herself as she continued to gaze up at the clouds. Audrey had come to love this place, 'The Tree', as they had come to call that particular spot. It was positioned just on top of a small lump of a hill in the middle of a field. The rolling hills around them were covered in a perfect sea of tall grass that swayed gently swayed in the breeze, producing a sound similar to the ocean tide. Not another tree was in sight to blight the perfect sea of grass. This was the only tree in the field, and it seemed to be right in the center of it. The tree itself was a large and beautiful oak tree, which was perfect for getting away from the summer heat underneath its shade. [Way too much description here - and at times unnecessary]Ian and Audrey had been coming to this tree for as long as they could remember, and filled it with memories. Eventually Audrey drifted to sleep as well, and the two just slept there underneath its shade, without a care in the world.
Eventually, Ian awoke from his nap and immediately realized something was different and out of place. As he looked to his right he found his explanation, and to his surprise Audrey had fallen asleep next to him, her head leaned on his shoulder. Ian shook Audrey as he repeated her name to wake her up.
“What are you doing here?” asked Ian, as she finally awoke. [Odd - I thought he wanted her here?]
“What do you mean what am I doing here” replied Audrey as she reached her arms over her head in a stretch. “I always come here”.
Ian sighed. “ never mind that, what I meant to say was that we really need to talk. You know, about yesterday. You said that I wasn’t crazy, and I was really hoping you could prove that.”
“Yah, I suppose we do need to talk,said Audrey, with a more serious look on her face. “But not here. Come on, lets go.”
“Go where, what are you talking about?asked Ian, as his eyes followed Audrey as she got up from the ground.
“To my place” said Audrey in a casual tone as she walked off. “You coming or not” she said as she turned around to a surprised and motionless Ian.
Ian nodded his head in response. Audrey’s house he thought. He had never seen or been to Audrey’s house before. She had always been dodgy whenever Ian had brought it up, so, he decided a long time ago to just stop asking. So it was surprising to Ian, that after all those years of avoiding it she would invite him over now, and in such a strangely casual way, as if it was no big deal.
William felt a great excitement come over him as they walked down the dirt country road toward Audrey’s house. He had always wondered what her place would be like. Was it so small and rundown that she was always too embarrassed to show him, or could it be that she lived in a very large house or mansion, and never invited him over to avoid causing him to be envious, and possibly not have him see her as a normal person like himself? William hoped she didn’t feel either of those ways, because he sure didn’t.
“Don’t worry” he thought to himself reassuringly, “I’m sure there is a perfectly good, and very normal reason for her not inviting him [you mean 'me'] over sooner”. Or at least he hoped so.
As they finally came up to the strip leading up from the road, Ian’s heart began to race. What was it going to be Ian thought, the mansion, the poor run down shack of a house, or the bridge? Of course it turned out to be neither of these, and instead was somewhere in between the mansion and the run down shack, or rather a mixture of the two. [I'm not understanding why all this is so important]
In front of Ian sat a large manor, which wasn’t in its prime condition as its paint has chipped and faded, its shingles cracked, and some of its windows boarded up. The yard or garden surrounding the house wasn’t well managed either, the grass had grown out and been infested with weeds, the hedges had grown out of control, and the flower beds remained barren and empty. Of course you cant judge a book by its cover thought Ian, it could still be more inhabitable on the inside than it appeared to be on the outside.
After further examination however, it finally hit Ian of just where he was exactly. At that moment he realized immediately that this was none other than the old Ashford Manor, which used to be the center of the Ashford plantation over one hundred years ago until its abandonment. He had heard rumors of it being haunted, and of strange things happening on the manor grounds. It was the main talk of the school when a mischievous group of boys decided to snoop around the place for a thrill. The next day they were all found about a mile or so up the road from the manor, without a memory of their little tour the night before.
“Umm, you do know what this place is don’t you Audrey” said Ian with a shaky voice.
“Yah, I’m pretty sure its my house moron,” said Audrey with an eyebrow raised. “Wow you look really pale, are you going to be alright?”
Ian snapped out of his horrified stare at the house. “Yah, I’m all right” he lied.
“Well, then what are you standing around for, come on!” said Audrey as she took his hand and brought him up the front steps to the door.
As they stepped through the front door, Ian was shocked at the interior of the manor as opposed to the exterior, which wasn’t what he had expected it to be. The floor was tiled with white marble, and a large crystal chandelier hung above them. Ahead of him two identical twin staircases curved down from the left and the other from the right to meet them from the overlooking balcony of the second floor. It wasn’t what he would have expected from an alleged haunted house, not in the least bit. Various decorations filled the house, grand portraits covered the walls, and masterfully crafted rugs covered the floors. Ian was left in shock and aw while Audrey saw it as nothing more than the usual.
Audrey, still grasping Ian’s hand led him through the house as he continued starred around with his mouth open in amazement. As they came to the second floor they cut down a long hallway and came to a room which Ian believed to be Audrey’s. When they entered the room there was almost as dramatic a change in scenery as there had been with the outside of the manor as opposed to the inside. Audrey’s room was nothing more than what he would have had expected a normal girls room to look like, it certainly didn’t compliment the splendor of the rest of the house, not in its layout nor in its décor. The rooms layout wasn’t too far off from Ian’s room, and from what he could tell, the décor was all the junk a normal girl would fill her room with. Stuffed animals and [take out 'the'] such.
“Wait here said Audrey, and make yourself comfortable. I might be a while.”
“Ok,” said Ian who hadn’t any objections. He had sort of learned to just go with it by now.
After Audrey left the room, Ian plopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Audrey probably chose such a normal room for a reason thought Ian. Maybe she preferred normality over the lifestyle she lived. That would explain why she spent so much of her time at Ian’s house. It probably made her feel like a normal person.
Judging by the amount of light remaining outside, Ian could tell that it was getting kind of late, and by the growling of his stomach he could tell that he was getting kind of hungry. Of course, he was seventeen [this should have been mentioned earlier], when was he not hungry?
[new paragraph] As time passed by, Ian sat on the bed and continued to stare at the ceiling and twiddle his thumbs. His eyes moved about the room until they landed on a small book sitting on Audrey’s desk. When Ian realized it was a diary he felt a sudden temptation come over him, and he was starting to wish he had never seen it. It was like a black hole of temptation that was sucking him in, pulling him closer and closer until he finally give in. “Come on Ian, she owes you an explanation for all of this, you can get it right now if you want” thought Ian. “She owes you, She owes you” was the thought that kept running through his mind. Despite whether the thought was true or not, all he needed was the smallest reason to pull him off the edge, even if it was a false reason.
After he had made up his mind, he wasted no time in opening the diary [ouch - that's mean] and flipping to the most recent entries, those would be the ones that would have something in them about all that’s been going on recently. In came to an entry that looked promising and stuck his intrusive nose into it in hopes of finding some answers.
Today William was telling me about all the strange dreams he’s been having recently, it’s hard to be sure but I think its starting, I think he’s changing. [This should be in italics]
“Changing?”Thought Ian, “what’s that supposed to mean, am I some sort of an experiment or something? [odd - changing has nothing to do with being an experiment, she's referring maybe to his personality not his appearance]Ian skimmed through all the boring stuff and stopped once again on a more promising entry.
I found all my suspicions to be true today when William sent three kids from town through the air simultaneously. There is no doubt in my mind that he’s ready, but, I’m not so sure if I am. If I tell father about this everything will change, for the better or for the worst I’m not sure, But I do know that I’m happy with my life the way it is, I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want William to change.
Just then Audrey came through the and suddenly froze as she saw Ian sitting there with her diary. Her face quickly blushed over as she came for the diary.
“No, stop! How much have you read!” yelled Audrey as she quickly ran up to him and snatched it out of his hands, her face blushing bright red.
“Only the last page” said Ian in a small voice, who was now feeling as stupid as ever.
“What made you think you could just go through my diary like that? It’s private-”
“I know,” said William cutting her off mid rant. “I shouldn’t have gone through your diary like that, and I’m sorry. Its just that I thought I might find an explanation to everything that’s been going on the past few days, and you made it seem like you knew something I didn’t. I’m sorry; really, I let my curiosity get the best of me [take away 'I suppose']”
Audrey starred at him for an awkward second until accepting his apology and backing off.
“So, you only read the last page?” asked Audrey in a much calmer voice now.
“Yeah, I swear,” said Ian quickly.
“Well, that’s good then I suppose,replied Audrey as she let out a sigh of relief, and the blushing on her face eased. “But don’t you ever try something like that again Creed, you hear me?” said Audrey suddenly with a raised voice again.
“Right, got it, never again,” said Ian who was now sitting up straight once more from the sudden outburst.
“Anyways, dinner's ready, so hurry up, we don’t want to keep everyone waiting.” said Audrey in an attempt to break the awkward silence.
Ian’s stomach growled at the thought of food, maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea, but what was that about keeping everyone waiting? Could she mean her family? Ian had never met any of Audrey family members before, the thought of meeting them made him all of a sudden fell nervous.
As they headed back down the stairs, Audrey led the way until they suddenly rounded a corner and, without warning, came upon a large dining room in which seemingly Audrey’s entire family was already there waiting for them, seated around a large table oval shaped table. Immediately as they entered the room everyone seated around the table had their eyes on Ian. And their eyes, how similar to his own they were he thought as they studied him from across the room.
The initial silence however, was broken when the person seated at the very end of the table stood up and opened his arms outward in a greeting. “Welcome Ian, we have been expecting you for longer than I would care to remember. Please, take a seat” said the man as he motioned to the empty chair next to himself.
“Wait! That voice!” thought William as he studied the man who had just spoken to him “could it be?
“I’m sorry” said Ian, who was still standing at the other side of the room. "You know my name, but I don’t recall we ever met, Mr.?”
“Almnas, and just Almnas,” said the man whose bright blue eyes gazed straight into William's. “I am Audrey’s father and the head of this family [the head of the family bit is sort of unnecessary]. And as a matter of fact, I believe we have met before, however as informal as it was, it was a meeting none the less.”
Ian’s eyes widened as he realized that this was without a doubt the man from his very dreams, and the man to whom he had spoke with the night before.
“Ah, I can see by the surprised look in your eyes that you remember now. There is a lot you can tell by looking into ones eyes, and even more so with our own kind. Come now, sit and eat Ian, we have much to discuss.”
“What did he mean by our own kind?” thought Ian as he walked over to the seat next to Almnas while feeling the piercing eyes of everyone else in the room follow him there. Audrey had followed him and seated herself next to him, slightly easing his discomfort of being surrounded by strangers.
“My dear friends and family” cried [wrong word, try 'addressed'] Almnas as he stood up from the table. “The day that we, as well as our fathers and their many fathers [forefathers will do]before them had waited for all these years has finally arrived. Our long journey, and all those lost along the way alas [alas not needed] are not in vain. We have hunted and been hunted by the dark ones, and have prevailed to meet our savior, who has come through from the other side to bring us to the home of our ancestors. My friends, I give you our savior, who is now able to guide us to the other side, to fulfill a purpose not yet reviled. My friends, I give you Ian!” [this whole dialogue needs some working on]
The others around the table started to chant in a strange language in response to Almnas’s speech. Ian just sat in his chair frozen, not knowing if he should do or say anything. Was Audrey’s family a part of some strange cult or something?
“Well, now that we are all finally here, it would seem appropriate to introduce you to our family Ian” said Almnas as he moved out from behind Ian’s chair. As he went around the room, he introduced Ian to everyone else seated at the table, and as Ian’s eyes followed them as they were introduced he noticed that all of them had eyes like his own, which glowed in magnificent color [he just realised that now?]. When Almnas had finally finished, Ian had already forgotten just about every name introduced, as they all sounded so strange and foreign. He thought it strange that Audrey was the only one with a seemingly normal name in the entire family.
“Now that we are all familiarized, its time to eat, and discuss of course” said Almnas as he gestured to everyone in the room to eat.
Audrey was the only one in the room who wasn’t eating, she just stared at her food and moved it about her plate with a fork. The look on her face almost seemed depressed, but William had no idea why she would feel that way.
“Now Ian” said Almnas catching Ian off guard while he stuffed food into his mouth. “ It would seem appropriate to start from the beginning, and tell you everything from there. Now, where to start, oh my I’ve waited seventeen years for this day and I don’t even know where to begin, please forgive me” laughed Almnas.
Ian had stopped eating now, his full attention was on all that Almnas was telling him, for he now realized that even though he hadn’t always known it, he too had been waiting for this day for seventeen years, for the explanation he deserved, but never got.
“You Ian are not a normal person, nor is anyone else in this room, we are all, how should I say it, unique.”


Okay, so I'm not going to review the rest because the problems are the same. After reading this, I've picked up the following points:
:arrow: This chapter is very long - too long actually - although I know that since your character is told here about his destiny, a long chapter is neccessary to explain everything - if that is the case cut out some of the less important stuff to make room - maybe the part about the tree and Ian and Audrey sleeping - to me that seemed unneccassry since Ian just woke up from his sleep at the beginning of this chapter.

:arrow: You use 'said' a lot after dialogue - this is a typical problem that new writers have a problem with, but you shouldn't really because your a good writer.

:arrow: This point is the most important: You really need to go over all of your chapters and edit them before posting them up, I'm sure if you did this you wouldn't have so many errors. The one's I've picked up are the following: there are still more 'william's' instead of 'Ian', spelling mistakes, missing question marks, missing speach marks,
missing commas: comma's after dialogue and in the sentences that need to be broken up some, you've put in comma's where there should be full stops.

:arrow: Lastly, the dialogue of Almnas. Right now it's very broken and cliche. I was reminded of Smallville and all the other 'savior' story-lines. What you've written isn't a plot that hasn't been done before, it's been done a lot, what your job is as a writer is to make this story as unique as possible. Change some conventional aspects and make readers want to read more.

Apart from all that, this was fine, a lot more mistakes than the previous chapter so my advice would be to really take more time with your chapters and see if it flows nicely.

Hope I've helped and don't hesitate to drop me another request :)

*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:55 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hello.

I seem to have read these parts out of order. Apologies.

My biggest thought upon reading the beginning of this was "slow down." As with the start of chapter 4, you throw a lot of information at us without really all that much time to process it. Slowing down in a story is pretty important because it not only gives a chance for readers to know what is going on, but let the characters shine through. Right now, you're just summarizing all events instead of letting the character's actual thoughts and movements take over, to show us how he's feeling. Letting him take over would be more enjoyable for us, and we'd get a sense of his character. This article goes into more detail about pacing.

Also, your dialogue punctuation could use a bit of brushing up. Right now, you don't seem to have much of any dialogue punctuation. If you're confused about it, this article should clear things up.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








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