Young Writers Society

Hey guys, I'm not really sure about this. I have other chapters (not posted yet) and everything is a bit jumbled. Also this story is set in the future but is also fantasy. And special thanks to shubhiloves2write! Ok, so here is the first chapter:

Damien breathed hard as he slumped onto his miniature bed. He would have much rather preferred sleeping in the coffin, but there was only one in the jail cell and Evelyn had already taken it.
The clock chimed six; Damien had to get up to get his daily dosage of blood. It wouldn’t be the same as drinking it from a human, but it was enough to live.
A grinding noise filled the bitter silence in the halls. A red robot stood in front of Damien’s jail cell.
“Cel num-ber one. Res-i-dents Da-mi-en Ku-pers and Ev-e-lyn An-der-son,” it vacantly said, opening the cell doors. It was carrying two bottles of blood. Damien took the pouches from it.
“Now re-cie-ving, Da-mi-en Ku-pers and Ev-e-lyn An-der-son,” the robot blankly said before moving onto the next cell.
Red robots were programmed to deliver one bottle of human blood twice a day to everyone in Vampire Prison. Lots of vampires often complained that it wasn’t enough, but the police officers would usually reply with “You’re lucky you’re getting anything, monsters!”
“Evelyn, wake up! Damien chirped, opening her coffin and handing her her bottle of blood. She hissed at him,
“Too light, too light!” She cowered away from Damien. Quickly, he closed the coffin. It was too early for Evelyn, she was a matured vampire. A matured vampire was a vampire who was different to non-matured vampires in the way that they could and couldn’t do specific things. They can burn up when it changes from dark to light to quickly. They could also bite humans so they choose whether they kill them or not. Damien was progressing into one too, but a bit slower than others.
Damien lay down in his bed again, face to the wall. He was asleep for about five minutes before he woke up again. Only now realising that the robot left the cell doors open.
“Should I go? If they catch me they’ll take me away from Evelyn, they might even kill me! But if they don’t vampires will be free forever. After nine years of suffering… I’m going to do it!” Damien thought.
He heard the red robot down the hall.
“Now re-cie-ving, Will-i-am Nich-ol-son.” Damien knew that William’s cell was the last cell before the red robot moved to the second floor. He heard William’s cell doors close.
Immediately after Damien heard the red robot move to the second floor, he raced out of his cell and lightly ran up to William’s cell, holding onto the bars.
When Damien got to William’s cell William raised an eyebrow at him.
“Dude, what’re you doing here?” William yelled. Damien pressed the ‘open’ button for the cell, expecting William to walk out. Instead he just stared at him.
“Come on, and keep your voice down- they might hear us,” Damien whispered.
“We don’t belong in the real world, we’re just vicious monsters.” William answered, robotically. Damien looked at him, shocked.
“How could they brainwash you, man?” Damien shook his head. William started laughing at what Damien had just said.
“They could never get through me, I’m a toughie!” Damien couldn’t help but laugh, William’s jokes always made Damien laugh; no matter how inappropriate they were.
“Will, we need to destroy that red robot. Now come on,” he instructed. William stepped out of his cell and took a deep breath.
He smiled at Damien and they started up the stairs to the second floor. They had to step very lightly because the red robot could detect heavy footsteps.
Carefully, they dodged the way of the security camera and picked up two brooms that were lying about. They tip-toed behind the red and started to attack it. It fell to the floor, and a whole lot of wires came out of it.
“Perfect!” William shouted, “The next robot doesn’t come until nine.”
Quietly, they returned downstairs. Their master plan seemed to be going quite smoothly, until they forgot that police officers sometimes paroled the halls.
“Oi, you two, stop right there!” An officer yelled. William and Damien completely disobeyed him and ran towards him.
The police officer was very strong though, and punched Damien, he fell to the floor. William was one to stick up for his friends; he immediately punched the police officer back. They started brawling and Damien was still passed out. Then William dug his fangs into the officers’ neck.
“Haven’t done this for a while!” He thought. He stopped biting then the officer managed to punch him. William tried his best not to fall on the floor. Damien woke up and grabbed the officer’s legs. He fell to the floor and Damien got back up.
“We did it!” William jeered. They turned around to find about twenty other officers, all carrying some sort of weapon. Damien found a remote that belonged to the injured officer. He picked it up before running away like a coward. He tripped over something and fell down, the officers were too close for him to even attempt to run away again.
The officers charged towards the two vampires, hitting and kicking them. They both started to bleed.
“You want more blood, monsters? Well now you can drink your own!” One of the officers sneered. Damien clenched his fist, forgetting that he was holding the remote. He had pressed the light button, the alarm button and the release button. Every singles cell door in the building opened and all of the vampires rushed out. Many of them started attacking the police officers, including Evelyn.
Damien pulled Evelyn away.
“You don’t want to be like that! You are more civilised!”
“Yes I do... And so do you. If you think about it, people decided to lock us up because they thought we would kill them- even though we weren’t. So it’s not that bad!” Evelyn explained. Damien thought about it and agreed.
About ten minutes later they decided to go to Vampire Alley. It was a dark hidden alley also known as Vampire Headquarters. No human knew about it.
The big cluster of vampires started making their way to the exit of the prison. Vampire Alley was actually very close to Vampire Prison, so there was less a chance of them being caught.
Rowan, master of the vampires stood at the front of all of them. He started walking and they all followed him and showed him a lot of respect. All of them walked a little more calmly now that they had a leader, but they still made a lot of noise.
The vampires walked down a very deserted road. Evelyn and Damien were holding hands, and William and a few other boys had there arms around each other. Rowan constantly told them to shush, but they couldn’t help it. As they stepped into the alley the same thought buzzed around all of their minds. “We made it!”
They were free.
After nine years of suffering they were free!

Hey :] Thank you for such a good read! Your story and writing style kept me captivated. The only thing I find objectionable is your ending. It's very rushed. Take more time to write it out and explain the "chaotic way" they got to Vampire Alley. Otherwise, the reader gets a different impression when the story's over.

Hey tam_ara,
Here too review, just as you asked!

“Evelyn, wake up! Damien chirped, opening her coffin and handing her her bottle of blood. She hissed at him,
“Too light, too light!” She cowered away from Damien. Quickly, he closed the coffin. It was too early for Emily, she was a matured vampire.

Who is Emily? And maybe tell what a matured vampire is, because I don't know what that is....

he ran out of his cell and raced up to William’s cell.

does that mean that the robot left the cell door was open?
And I would put something saying he ran lightly.

“We don’t belong in the real world, we’re just vicious monsters." William answered, robotically.

You for got to end the quote thing, here------------------------->

I agree with ace, take time to explain stuff.
Other then that,i think you did a pretty good job.

Hope I helped.

Jungle

Hey Tamara. I am so happy that I could get you to type what probably you have been hiding there for months.

First thing that struck me was that you probably didn't convert this on the Story mode. When you press the Edit option on the post of yours. There will be an Options tab down when you scroll, there you'll find Story option after Formatting Options. Select the whole story and press 'Story'. It would be done then. This would make reading for the readers a lot better.

He would have much rather preferred sleeping in the coffin, but there was only one in the jail cell and Evelyn had already taken it

This was quite funny.

Red robots were programmed to deliver one bottle of human blood to twice a day to everyone in Vampire Prison.

Vampire Prison, huh?

Lots of vampires often complained that it wasn’t enough, but the police officers would usually reply with “You’re lucky you’re getting anything, monsters!”

Here you could also add," Something is better than nothing".

"Evelyn, wake up! Damien chirped, opening her coffin and handing herher a bottle of blood.

It was too early for Emily, she was a matured vampire.

Do you mean Evelyn?

Damien was progressing into one too, but a bit slower than others.

The way you wrote this sentence is really not correct. I am giving you two ways of writitng this:
1. Damien was progressing into one too, but a bit slowly other than others.
2. Damien was progressing into one too, but was a bit slower than others.

He was asleep for about five minutes before he woke up again. Only now realising that the robot left the cell doors open.

You could probably join these two sentences.

“We don’t belong in the real world, we’re just vicious monsters." William answered, robotically. Damien looked at him, shocked.

Rowan, former head vampire stood at the front of all of them.

There's no problem here but can you change th name of his position? Like Master of vampires.

The vampires’ You don't need an apostrophe.walked down a very deserted road.

I kind of feel embarrassed. You at only age 11 are such a good writer. You ahd so less flaws in it. Your description was good, the words you used were nice and what not....I am helpless now.

Vampire Prison? Huh? It sounds an interesting idea and you should defintiely conitnue with it. And don't be shy and lazy in writing. It's so wonderful that you need not be shy to share it wuth us.

As for the title( a working title) for now I would suggest some:
1 Vampire Prison
2 Freedom at last
3. The Monsters.


You might like them and you may not. Tell me what you think.


~Shubhi

Sorry about the evelyn emily thing. You see at first the character was called emily but then I changed it to evelyn. Sorry about that confusion, I'll definately change it and try to improve it !

Looks like all the advice I was gonna give has already been given...oh well.

Damien found a remote that belonged to the injured officer. He picked it up before running away like a coward.

The officers charged towards the two vampires, hitting and kicking them. They both started to bleed.

These two lines confuse me. First Damien is running away, then he is being attacked by the officers. Did they catch him, or what?

Anyway, nice read. I've made it a point of me not to read any fiction with vampires, but this grabbed my attention pretty well. Nice work!

- G

Heya tam

Here to review as requested! I'm sure that you know the drill by now.

Damien breathed hard as he slumped onto his miniature bed. He would have much rather preferred sleeping in the coffin, but there was only one in the jail cell and Evelyn had already taken it.

The clock chimed six; Damien had to get up to get his daily dosage of blood. It wouldn’t be the same as drinking it from a human, but it was enough to live.

A grinding noise filled the bitter silence in the halls. A red robot stood in front of Damien’s jail cell.

Right now, this isn't drawing me in as much as it could. You seem to be saying 'Damien did this, this happened, then this happened, then Damien did this.' Do you get what I mean? Your telling us an awful lot right now, I'd like a bit of showing. Describe what Damien's cell looks like. Is it cold? Does it smell bad? Describe his thirst, don't tell us about it. Is the lack of blood burning his throat? Is it making him anxious?

A matured vampire was a vampire who was different to non-matured vampires in the way that they could and couldn’t do specific things.

I don't know if it's just me, but I found that this was phrased kind of awkwardly. I think that you could say this but with a nicer flow somehow. The beginning is where I find that the flow is off. Something like 'Matured vampires were noticeably different to non-matured vampires. They could and couldn't do specific thins.' could sound a bit better.

Damien lay down in his bed again, face to the wall. He was asleep for about five minutes before he woke up again. Only now realising that the robot left the cell doors open.

“Should I go? If they catch me they’ll take me away from Evelyn, they might even kill me! But if they don’t vampires will be free forever. After nine years of suffering… I’m going to do it!” Damien thought.

This all seems a bit sudden to me, I think that it's moving a tad bit too fast. We hardly know anything about Damien and why he's in the prison. I'd like to know a bit more about that before he plans on escaping the place.

When Damien got to William’s cell ,William raised an eyebrow at him.

Instead, he just stared at him.

“They could never get through me, I’m a toughie!” Damien couldn’t help but laugh. William’s jokes always made Damien laugh; no matter how inappropriate they were.

They tip-toed behind the red robot and started to attack it.

“Perfect!” William shouted, “The next robot doesn’t come until nine.”

Hmm... they seem to be shouting a lot. Wouldn't someone hear them?

The police officer was very strong though, and punched Damien, he fell to the floor. William was one to stick up for his friends; he immediately punched the police officer back. They started brawling and Damien was still passed out. Then William dug his fangs into the officers’ neck.

This has a real telling, not showing, feel to it. Your saying that Damien was punched, he got knocked out and then William started attacking him. Tell us how your characters were feeling! Make us hurt as well as Damien.

“Haven’t done this for a while!” He thought.

You should write thoughts differently to dialogue. I noticed you doing this earlier but I didn't say anything. Instead of including speech marks, just italicize the thoughts of your characters. So instead, this would look like this, Haven't one this for a while! He thought. It's simpler and looks better.

He stopped biting, then the officer managed to punch him. William tried his best not to fall to the floor.

Every singles cell door in the building opened and all of the vampires rushed out.

About ten minutes later, they decided to go to Vampire Alley. It was a dark hidden alley also known as Vampire Headquarters. No human knew about it.

The vampires walked down a very deserted road. Evelyn and Damien were holding hands, and William and a few other boys had thei arms around each other. Rowan constantly told them to shush, but they couldn’t help it. As they stepped into the alley, the same thought buzzed around all of their minds. “We made it!”

Once again, you should italicize the thoughts.

After nine years of suffering, they were free!

I'd like to know a bit more about what happened in those nine years.


Overall

I thought that this was pretty good! You used a very cliché theme; vampires, but I think that you put your own twist to it. What I like best about this, I think, is the idea of the story itself. I like the thought of a load of vampires being in a prison for years and years and then they finally escape after all those years. It doesn't include vampires that sparkle and who stalk humans, fall in love, and stalk them even more. You do have to be careful though that you don't turn this into something that is very similar to Twilight. A lot of writers who write vampire based stories have a tendency to do that because of all of the hype around Twilight. As for your grammar, it was very good! There weren't many grammar mistakes in this at all. As for your spelling, it's just as good as your grammar. I couldn't find any spelling mistakes in this chapter, actually. There are a few things that I think you could definitely improve on though.

My main critique is about the pace of this chapter. To me, it feels as though this is a bit rushed at times. I think that a few of the other reviewers have mentioned this as well. Basically, you need to stop and explain a bit more. Stop to smell the roses kind of thing. The way you've written this has a 'Damien did this, Damien did that. This happened, then this happened. It was this, it was that'. You need to tell us how your characters are feeling, not just what they are doing. Like when Damien and William were being beaten up, for example. At one point, you said something like 'Damien and William began to bleed. Instead of simply saying that, you should show us what is happening. Don't simply say that they wee bleeding, say that there was a river of scarlet red blood running down Damien's forehead. How his head was beginning to ache and his vision was becoming blurred. That kind of thing. That's part of the reason that this feels rushed, I think. You aren't really describing things as much as you could. There is a simple answer to this, just throw in the odd adjective here and there.

There's nothing else that I really have to say. Anything that I would say has already been said by other reviewers. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this chapter a bit. You should slow things down a bit, leave some time to describe what is going on and make us feel emotionally attached to your characters. Us readers need to be able to emphasize with the characters. If you do all of this, this story could definitely be really great!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey! I love vampire fiction so I thought I'd stop by and give you a bit of feedback on the first chapter of your novel.

First, I think what you posted would serve as a template for a really good story, but your technique needs work. Think before you plan, and plan before you write.

Second, 9 years seems like a lot in human years, but vampires are undead immortals, so what's 9 years to a vampire in prison? Another thing, are your vampires going to be fast? Really strong? Or have special powers? Maybe they don't right now because they only get two small servings of blood a day, and humans are able to keep them down because of this, but I think there needs to be a reason for why it's even possible for humans, in any multitude, to imprison vampires. One suggestion that I have for you is that you may want to consider explaining why vampires are being kept alive by humans to begin with. Why have they been kept in prison at all?

The dialogue needs work as well, it doesnt seem natural. Try playing around with different words and tones for each character so that your audience gets a better sense of who each character is.

Perhaps you've thought of these things already and you just chose not to include them in this chapter, but at any rate, I thought it seemed fit to let you know that there are a lot of holes in your story. It seemed rushed and not very well thought out, so take your time and write even if you're eager to post it, quality is more important than quantity.

Keep writing. You've got a talent for storytelling, and from the looks of it this book is going to turn out great!

Hi tam_ara
I like this. Even though there seem to be loads of vampire books at the moment this is different form the rest so its a pleasant change.
I like the way that this is about a world that knows about vampires and that they are scared of the vampire's, for some reason it makes me think of the past when people where burned as witches cause they were scared of them.
Anyway, I didn't see any mistakes so I have no nit-picks.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread

Vampire stories are starting to appeal to me so I thought I'd read this, so glad I did this is a great read. The story was good as was the setting and characters. But I did find some basic spelling mistakes here and there although it wasn't enough to ruin it for me. I'd love to read the next chapter. Keep up the good work.

Hey,
The only bad thing i actually noticed is that your story seems a bit rushed. take your time to explain the little things. eg, when they killed the robot you could have described the noises that their punchs made when they hit the metal. or when MC opened the coffin, how evelyn shrieked and rolled over, covering her eyes.

But other than that it was well writen, very vampire cliche, keep going.
love Georgiexx

Hey :] Thank you for such a good read! I liked your story and your style. The only bad thing I noticed is your story was a bit rushed. That's all I have to say! Keep going!