Young Writers Society

I woke up with my eyes still too sluggish to open. It was your special day but I didn’t receive any calls from you, wishing we could celebrate it together. I was hoping for this day to be a memorable one.

Nothing.

Nothing happened. It was just like another day without you.

I wished you knew what I was feeling that day. Good thing, I didn’t forget to greet you with a happy birthday.

If you just knew that I’d been crying every night before I sleep, like after watching a movie about broken family. I’ve been yearning for your real maternal love, not just an I-am-your-mother love. I needed you by my side. I could still even remember the time when I was still a little innocent kid saying, “I don’t like mommy anymore.” If you just knew how much my feelings for you change as I grew up. Jealousy started to take over my feelings when I celebrated my birthdays without you there... not with me as I blew out the candle.

I’m not saying you’re not a good mom.

Past is past and we can’t change something that we have regret doing.
I hope you understand me.

Yet after all these years, I never tried hating you because, if I did, it would only let me feel I didn’t have a mother to love. I just wanted to say I’m sorry too, because I was a weak daughter of yours. I kept looking at the bad sides when it comes to family problems. If you just knew that every night, I kept begging God that dad and you would be together again. As expected, my prayers haven’t been answered yet.

So, thank you for all the care and love you’ve showered upon us, your children. I thank you for that because even if we are kilometers apart, I've always felt your presence around me.


So, I just wanted to say this…
I love you, mom.


Very much.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so sweet!! And very well written,I love it!
~Lady Kix

For a minute I didn't know who you were talking about, I could be wrong but I think you should make it clear sooner who you were referring to. I think this was such a sad piece, I hope you and you're mother's relationship can be restored.

Hey there! Right, I'll begin with the nitpicks and see if we can refine your technical accuracy a notch!

yuriiko12345 wrote:I woke up with my eyes still too sluggish to open. It was your special day, but I didn’t receive any calls from you, wishing we could celebrate it together. I was hoping for this day to be a memorable one.

Nothing.

Nothing happened; It was just like another day without you.

I wished you knew what I was feeling that day. Good thing, I didn’t forget to greet you with a happy birthday.

If you just knew that I’ve I'd been crying every night before I sleep, just like after watching a movie about broken family. I’ve been yearning for your real maternal love, not just an I-am-your-mother love. I needed you by my side. I could still even remember the time when I was still a little innocent kid saying, “I don’t like mommy anymore.” If you just knew how much my feelings for you change as I grew up. Jealousy started to take over my feelings when I celebrated my birthdays without you… without you there... not with me as I blew out the candle.

I’m not saying you’re not a good mom.

Past is past and we can’t change something that we have regret doing.
I hope you understand me.

But Yet after all these years, I never tried hating you because, if I did, it would only let me feel I didn’t have a mother to love. I just wanted to say I’m sorry too, because I was a weak daughter of yours. I kept looking on at the bad sides when it comes to family problems. If you just knew that every night, I kept begging God that dad and you would be together again. As expected, my prayers haven’t been answered yet.

So, thank you for all the care and love you’ve showered upon us; your children. I thank you for that ‘cause even if we were kilometers apart, I always felt your presence around me.


So, I just wanted to say this…
I love you, mom.


Very much.

I like how you've written this, you've maintained it informal, personal and as a piece it has a very strong effect. I think the only other nitpick besides grammar that I can make is, just try and consider structuring because there's some points when a sentence could be in the same paragraph instead of being honoured with their own line.

Otherwise, very, very well-written! Perhaps as a personal letter this would be top-notch form wise, as a tale, I think you might need a burst more anecdote, i.e. talk about an old time further and show us the relationship in such a situation.

Well done and keep writing!
Ben

Hi!

As requested:

Stories like this are very sweet. They're not so much stories, actually, as small personal tales. The trick is to get a good balance between the emotion of your own life you're showing here and something that faintly resembles more of a tale, as Ben said. You're nearly there, and it's very good, but I would recommend adding in a little more information as it were, so that the reader doesn't feel like they're reading something so extremely personal that they don't quite understand it. So for that, perhaps you could add in some more background information or something? I'm sorry - I feel bad pulling apart such a personal piece.

Also, you get your tenses muddled up a little throughout. There are also quite a few little grammatical errors. Perhaps you could read it out loud to yourself and see where you stumble on an odd sounded phrase or something that reads a little weird.

But, overall, this was nice. Focusing on the writing rather than the content (as that is something you can't exactly improve on, it being personal and all) I wouldn't say it is spectacular. It's quite powerful and sad, yes, but I feel like it's missing a little something. That is, like Ben mentioned, at the moment it reads so personally that it becomes less something that a reader would enjoy and more something you'd actually give to someone. In this way, perhaps you could add in a little more information or otherwise that would emphasise this writing and make it great.

Hope I helped!

-Amy

Hi there yuri! *hands over a banana* It’s a banana bomb! And I’m the only one who can disarm it! Mwahaha!

Okay…I’m going to review now…

Good thing, I didn’t forget to greet you a happy birthday.

You don’t really greet people happy birthday. You usually wish them a happy birthday. Oh, and that comma after ‘thing’…you don’t need it.

just after watching a movie about (‘some’ or ‘a’ should go here) broken family.

Past is past and we can’t change something that we have regret doing.

Hmm…um…I don’t completely understand this sentence. It doesn’t completely make sense.


The main thing I wanted to mention is that your use of commas needs some work. This link covers a lot of the rules but not nearly all of them. Commas take some time to learn though.

Otherwise, the emotion rings off of this powerfully. Good job.

~lilymoore

Hello there, I have read your story and I thought you are referring to boyfriend and it come out to be a mum. It's nice though and I like it.

I'm a new member here and hope to make more friends.

By the way, your story is nice but you only have one. Write more, I be looking forward to it. Thanks

This is really sweet. i like it because it seems really genuine and down to earth if you get what im saying. its just honest and really nice to read. good job ! xxxxxxxx