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Fixing Ruth



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Wed May 26, 2010 2:49 am
CaseySaz says...



Alright, this is just a little short story for my Creative Writing class. It's getting graded so it would be great if you could be as harsh as possible.:)Thanks!


August 20th found Ruth Beddow and Rosa Gomez sitting side by side in outdoor lounge chairs, arguing over a watermelon.

“Please, chica, have some sense. I have watched you longer than you can even remember, and I have never hurt you, am I wrong?” Rosa’s voice grew shriller with each word. She sat facing Ruth, leaning towards her a bit and balancing a plate of watermelon on her lap. Rosa eyed her tiredly and sighed.

For her part, Ruth lounged back with her eyes closed and hummed to herself, unfazed by Rosa’s pleas. “Oh just eat a little bit for me! We need to get some food into you. Your father will be so unhappy to hear you have not eaten one thing today.” No response, or acknowledgment for that matter, from Ruth. “You are too old for this! Sixteen! You need to trust me, corazon.”

At that, Ruth cocked her head to the side and opened her hazel eyes, focusing them on the empty space above and to the left of her face. “Did you hear that, June? Did she say trust? Trust! You’re the only ones I trust,” she paused for a moment, still gazing into nothingness. “Oh, of course I know. I do, I do. I won’t eat it.” Ruth closed her eyes and resumed her humming.

Rosa exhaled sharply. She put the watermelon on the side table next to her and rubbed her temples. She stood up abruptly, placing her hands on her hips “Ay! I will get you something else to eat. That will be good, right?”

Ruth laughed and began swaying from side to side. “No! Of course it won’t,” Rosa sighed and stroked Ruth’s cheek. “What am I going to do with you?”

Rosa crossed her arms and walked into the house, leaving Ruth rocking in her chair with the remnants of a smile still etched on her face.



The bedroom door clicked shut on a sleeping Ruth. Rosa thought she looked so distant in her slumber, not that she was all that responsive when she was awake. But distant was a normal expression for a sleeper, not so much for someone conscious. That was just it – while she was asleep, Ruth looked so normal that Rosa almost believed it herself.
Almost.

Rosa headed down the hallway to the staff wing and closed herself up in her room. She collapsed on her bed, closing her eyes to the world. Today had been a hard day. Rosa wished, and not for the first time that she could change Ruth, fix her. But Ruth without schizophrenia wouldn’t really be Ruth at all. It wouldn’t be the Ruth she loved.

Rosa watched the hands on the clock spin. It was getting late and Mr. Beddow would be home soon. Should she wait up to tell him of the day’s events? She wouldn’t have the chance to tell him in the morning – he left for work much too early. She wanted nothing more that to forget her troubles in a deep sleep…

Rosa awoke to a sharp rapping on her door and a deep voice calling her name. She scrambled out of bed and opened the door to find Mr. Charles Beddow.

Charles Beddow was the kind of man you might see on the cover of an issue of BusinessWeek. His lined face was an eternally impassive mask, hardened by years of working sixty hour weeks. His hard work had paid off by his late twenties when the president of his company, who was especially fond of him, had a sudden heart attack. In his will he had specifically asked for his position to be given to none other than Charles Beddow, rather than his vice president. He spent his days dealing with the un-dealable, disagreeing with the un-agreeable, and overall, talking money.

The result of this was a stress-ridden, prematurely bald man who was ready to snap at a moment’s notice.

“Good evening, sir. Forgive me, I fell asleep.”

A curt nod was his only response to her apology. “Was Ruth good today?”

“Ay, not quite, sir,” she mumbled, looking down at her toes.

“What does ‘not quite’ mean?” he asked, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

“She would not eat for me, not one thing all day,” she said, looking ashamed.

“May I ask why not?”

“The voices she hears tell her not to.”

At the mention of Ruth’s disability, Charles grew stiff. Quickly, he changed the subject. “Now, I just want to go over my plans for Ruth tomorrow.”

“Plans?” Rosa questioned. Ruth’s father rarely made plans for her. That was Rosa’s job, to plan her day, to keep her entertained and content.

“Yes, plans. I’ve been in contact with a local private school and have enrolled Ruth for the upcoming school year. She’ll meet with the school’s guidance counselor tomorrow at one o’clock.”

The moment he said that, everything that was passive in Rosa morphed into aggression. School? School! Has he lost his mind? Ruth, gentile, fragile Ruth, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t make it through school!

“Sir!” Ruth exclaimed, her tone piercing. “With all due respect, I do not think you have thought this through! Do they have a special needs program? The doctors said she shouldn’t be put into any overwhelming situations! Her condition, it is too severe, she-”

“Enough. This decision is mine to make and it is final.” Charles’ face was beet red and Rosa knew she had gone too far. “I need her to be, I mean, she needs to be equipped go off on her own when the time comes. Her…handicap…will not hold her back.” Mr. Beddow turned to leave.

Did he really think there would ever be a time when Ruth didn’t need supervision? Of course not. Could he really be preparing her to be kicked out of his house? How could he be so selfish, so cold? Ruth’s symptoms could be somewhat treated, but she would never be cured.

Putting Ruth into school had never been a question. Her home schooling had always been sufficient. The only time Ruth had ever gone to school had been a few short years before her onset, a time Ruth herself had most likely forgotten.

All of this Rosa thought, but didn’t dare to say out loud. She said only, “Mark my words, Charles Beddow, this will not end well,” but she said it so quietly that she was the only one to hear.



“We’ll beat this thing right out of you and you’ll be in classes with all of the normal kids in no time.”

Ruth looked up to see the guidance counselor, Ms. Kay, eyeing her expectantly. June and March had been diverting most of Ruth’s attention throughout all but the very end of Ms. Kay’s rant, so Ruth didn’t have the slightest clue as to what she had said. What Ruth had gotten out of the past five minutes had been a couple of meaningless bits of Ms. Kay’s speech buried by June and March’s overpowering slur of insults directed at the guidance counselor. Ruth was glad Ms. Kay couldn’t hear the nasty things they said about her, but she couldn’t bring herself to like the woman.

Ruth didn’t know the words to say to make Ms. Kay let her go back to Rosa. She looked away, towards the little window March and June were trying to open. Ruth hoped they could open it up; she itched for some fresh air in this dark and stuffy room. She watched March and June’s wings fluttering, silhouettes against the light from the window. She wished more than anything she could join them. She wished she could fly away with them, away from this woman and this world that doesn’t understand her.

“Ruth?” Ms. Kay asked, a hint of agitation in her voice.

Ruth picked at the skin on her thumb. She searched her mind for how to reply to this woman, this stranger. She yearned for Rosa. June and the others may not like her, but Ruth felt safe with Rosa. Rosa would know how to reply. No, Rosa would save her from replying. She tried to think of what Rosa might do and decided to give Ms. Kay a nod, hoping it was an appropriate response. It seemed to be okay because Ms. Kay went on and said, “Now, Ruth, your father tells me your schizophrenia causes you to create imaginary friends. Can you tell me about them?”

At the same time, June scoffed and March knocked a row of books off of a book shelf. Is she talking about them? Ruth doesn’t have any imaginary friends. She’s not a child. The doctors told her Daddy that she doesn’t make anything up.

But maybe, if Ruth told her about her friends, maybe she could leave. She opened her mouth and waited for the words to find their way out.

“They aren’t imaginary. They’re not made up. You, you just can’t see them. They’re March and May and June and July and…” Ruth trailed off, loosing her train of thought. She quickly willed her head to make more sentences before that awful woman could speak again. “They talk…play…they tell me things about people, whether they’re good or bad. And they say things about people and tell me to do things to people.” Once she started speaking, the words started to come on their on accord, without Ruth forcing them out.

“See, they’re all faeries, one, one for each month, and I am, too. They told me that we can do magic and fly, but not yet. One day, I’ll know when, I’ll join them.” That was as much as she could say before Ms. Kay cut in.

“Ruth, sweetheart,” she said with a falsely sympathetic look on her face, “what I’m going to say is going to help you in the long run. Some other people may try to spare your feelings but this is something you need to know. These, these people you see, they aren’t real. They’re nonexistent, figments of your imagination.”

Upon hearing this, June and March began to shriek a fresh stream of blasphemies. Not long after, all of the others arrived. Their stomping, their roaring, their overwhelming fury consumed every nook and cranny of Ruth’s head. They pushed at and stretched the boundaries of her mind until she was sure it would split. There wasn’t even one little corner she could have just for herself and no one else. She screamed, she tried to cover both her ears and her eyes from the flood of senses, she kicked at the desk. If Ms. Kay was saying something, Ruth couldn’t hear a word of it.

Ms. Kay seemed to pick up on that and raised her voice to add to the cacophony. And above the crashing and screaming, Ruth could here Ms. Kay’s voice. “…this! This is not normal! This is what we need to fix!”

Normal! There’s that word again! It infuriated Ruth; why couldn’t they understand? This is my normal, she thought. Ruth was happy, why did they need to fix her, change who she was? And then Ruth found an out.

Ruth stood up, pushing her chair back, and dashed out of the room. Her heavy breathing echoed through the hallway. She didn’t look back but she heard the clatter of Ms. Kay’s high heels pursuing her. Ruth would have to find a staircase fast. She slid around corner after corner, turning when the fairies told her to. There! She came across a set of stairs. She climbed them two at a time, sure that Ms. Kay couldn’t match her pace in those ridiculous shoes. She skipped the first few landings, praying for an exit to the roof.
Through a stroke of luck, she found an exit. She fumbled with the deadlock for too long. The clatter was getting closer. When she swung the door open, Ms. Kay was no more than a few stairs behind her, shoes in hand.

Ruth ran to the edge of the building. When she reached the ridge, Ms. Kay paused. Her hands were held up, as if to fend off an attack.

Ruth didn’t understand. Why would she do that? Ruth didn’t understand why anyone did anything. She tried again and again to wrap her mind around the motives people have for the things they do. Why did she have to eat the watermelon? Why was she here? Why was every one always trying to fix her?

Ruth didn’t need to wonder anymore. She said, to no one and everyone, “I’m leaving your world. It’s time to escape to mine,” right before she jumped.
  





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Thu May 27, 2010 10:25 am
fight4whatisright says...



wow. truly an amazing story. top marks :D
because the names Ruth and Rosa both begin with R i got a little confused at the start especially in parts like this...
Ruth laughed and began swaying from side to side. “No! Of course it won’t,” Rosa sighed and stroked Ruth’s cheek. “What am I going to do with you?”

maybe it should look more like,
Ruth laughed and began swaying from side to side.
“No! Of course it won’t,” Rosa sighed and stroked Ruth’s cheek. “What am I going to do with you?”

you know, with what Rosa is saying on a new line to what Ruth is doing. Or maybe it's fine and i'm just slow.
other than confusion between who was doing/saying what at the start, this was absolutely great! the characterization was awesome, the images were clear, the story line was great!
  





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Thu May 27, 2010 1:47 pm
Kale says...



She wished she could fly away with them, away from this woman and this world that doesn’t understand her.

The "doesn't" doesn't quite sound right. It's not grammatically incorrect, but "didn't" sounds better.

As the reviewer above me mentioned, you should separate the dialogue and actions into new paragraphs when different people are responsible for them. This makes it easier to keep track of who is doing/saying what.

Rosa's dialogue and actions.
Ruth's actions.
Back to Rosa's dialogue and actions.

Other than those two things, this was excellent. Rosa's more formal dialogue mixed with Spanish really worked well to get across that she's not a native speaker of English without being obnoxious, and how you introduced that Ruth had schizophrenia (and that you stated it outright in Rosa's thoughts) was very well done. The only thing I can really suggest is that, rather than relying only on spaces, to separate the scenes with some sort of character/series of characters. *** is pretty common and generally acceptable.

But this was definitely excellent. :D
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Thu May 27, 2010 9:53 pm
pinkangel54123 says...



Hey there Casey! I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments will be made in pink.

Casey Saz wrote:August 20th found Ruth Beddow and Rosa Gomez sitting side by side in outdoor lounge chairs, arguing over a watermelon. It seems odd to me that you said that the day found them. It seems like it caught up on them, or something wierd like that. I would definetley change it to something along the lines of: On August 20th Ruth Beddow and Rosa Gomez sat side by side in their outdoor lounge chairs. They were arguing over some watermelon.

“Please, chica, have some sense. I have watched you longer than you can even remember, and I have never hurt you. Am I wrong?” Rosa’s voice grew shrillerI think you should change since shriller seems like a very odd word. Maybe change it to more shrill. with each word. She sat facing Ruth, leaning towards her a bit and balancing a plate of watermelon on her lap. Rosa eyed her tiredly and sighed.

For her part, Ruth leaned back with her eyes closed and hummed to herself, unfazed by Rosa’s pleas. “Oh just eat a little bit for me! We need to get some food into you. Your father will be so unhappy to hear you have not eaten one thing today.” No response, or acknowledgment for that matter, from Ruth. “You are too old for this! Sixteen! You need to trust me, corazon.”

At that, Ruth cocked her head to the side and opened her hazel eyes, focusing them on the empty space above and to the left of her face. “Did you hear that, June? Did she say trust? Trust! You’re the only ones I trust.” She paused for a moment, still gazing into nothingness.If there is only one 'person' that she is talking to it should read: You're the only one I trust. “Oh, of course I know. I do, I do. I won’t eat it.” Ruth closed her eyes and resumed her humming.

Rosa exhaled sharply. She put the watermelon on the side table next to her and rubbed her temples. She stood up abruptly, placing her hands on her hips “Ay! I will get you something else to eat. That will be good, right?”

Ruth laughed and began swaying from side to side. “No! Of course it won’t,” Rosa sighed and stroked Ruth’s cheek. “What am I going to do with you?”

Rosa crossed her arms and walked into the house, leaving Ruth rocking in her chair with the remnants of a smile still etched on her face.



The bedroom door clicked shut on a sleeping Ruth. Rosa thought she looked so distant in her slumber, not that she was all that responsive when she was awake. But distant was a normal expression for a sleeper, not so much for someone conscious.For whatever reason, I don't like the second part of the sentence. I think it seems a bit redundent and you could take it out all together. That was just it – while she was asleep, Ruth looked so normal that Rosa almost believed it herself.

Almost.

Rosa headed down the hallway to the staff wing and closed herself up in her room. She collapsed on her bed, closing her eyes to the world. Today had been a hard day. Rosa wished, and not for the first time that she could change Ruth, fix her. But Ruth without schizophrenia wouldn’t really be Ruth at all. It wouldn’t be the Ruth she loved.

Rosa watched the hands on the clock spin. It was getting late and Mr. Beddow would be home soon. Should she wait up to tell him of the day’s events? She wouldn’t have the chance to tell him in the morning – he left for work much too early. She wanted nothing more that to forget her troubles in a deep sleep…

Rosa awoke to a sharp rapping on her door and a deep voice calling her name. She scrambled out of bed and opened the door to find Mr. Charles Beddow.

Charles Beddow was the kind of man you might see on the cover of an issue of BusinessWeek. His lined face was an eternally impassive mask, hardened by years of working sixty hour weeks. His hard work had paid off by his late twenties when the president of his company, who was especially fond of him, had a sudden heart attack. In his will, he had specifically asked for his position to be given to none other than Charles Beddow rather than his vice president. He spent his days dealing with the un-dealable, disagreeing with the un-agreeable, and overall, talking money.

The result of this was a stress-ridden, prematurely bald man who was ready to snap at a moment’s notice.

“Good evening, sir. Forgive me, I fell asleep.”

A curt nod was his only response to her apology. “Was Ruth good today?”

“Ay, not quite, sir,” she mumbled, looking down at her toes.

“What does ‘not quite’ mean?” he asked, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

“She would not eat for me, not one thing all day,” she said, looking ashamed. Just as a side note you're using the same type of speech tags for every one. You should change it up a bit so it doesn't seem repetitive.

“May I ask why not?”

“The voices she hears tell her not to.”

At the mention of Ruth’s disability, Charles grew stiff. Quickly, he changed the subject. “Now, I just want to go over my plans for Ruth tomorrow.”

“Plans?” Rosa questioned. Ruth’s father rarely made plans for her. That was Rosa’s job, to plan her day, to keep her entertained and content.

“Yes, plans. I’ve been in contact with a local private school and have enrolled Ruth for the upcoming school year. She’ll meet with the school’s guidance counselor tomorrow at one o’clock.”

The moment he said that, everything that was passive in Rosa morphed into aggression. School? School! Had he lost his mind? Ruth? Gentle, fragile Ruth? She couldn’t. She wouldn’t make it through school!

“Sir!” Ruth exclaimed, her tone piercing. “With all due respect, I do not think you have thought this through! Do they have a special needs program? The doctors said she shouldn’t be put into any overwhelming situations! Her condition, it is too severe, she-”

“Enough. This decision is mine to make and it is final.” Charles’ face was beet red and Rosa knew she had gone too far. “I need her to be, I mean, she needs to be equipped to go off on her own when the time comes. Her…handicap…will not hold her back.” Mr. Beddow turned to leave. He doesn't seem like the type to shy away from saying handicap, so I would take away those ...'s.

Did he really think there would ever be a time when Ruth didn’t need supervision? Of course not. Could he really be preparing her to be kicked out of his house? How could he be so selfish, so cold? Ruth’s symptoms could be somewhat treated, but she would never be cured.

Putting Ruth into school had never been a question. Her home schooling had always been sufficient. The only time Ruth had ever gone to school had been a few short years before her onset, a time Ruth herself had most likely forgotten.

All of this Rosa thought but didn’t dare to say out loud. She said only, “Mark my words, Charles Beddow, this will not end well.She said it so quietly that she was the only one to hear.



“We’ll beat this thing right out of you and you’ll be in classes with all of the normal kids in no time.”

Ruth looked up to see the guidance counselor, Ms. Kay, eyeing her expectantly. June and March had been diverting most of Ruth’s attention throughout all but the very end of Ms. Kay’s rant, so Ruth didn’t have the slightest clue as to what she had said. What Ruth had gotten out of the past five minutes had been a couple of meaningless bits of Ms. Kay’s speech buried by June and March’s overpowering slur of insults directed at the guidance counselor. Ruth was glad Ms. Kay couldn’t hear the nasty things they said about her, but she couldn’t bring herself to like the woman.

Ruth didn’t know the words to say to make Ms. Kay let her go back to Rosa. She looked away, towards the little window March and June were trying to open. Ruth hoped they could open it up; she itched for some fresh air in this dark and stuffy room. She watched March and June’s wings fluttering, silhouettes against the light from the window. She wished more than anything she could join them. She wished she could fly away with them, away from this woman and this world that didn't understand her.

“Ruth?” Ms. Kay asked, a hint of agitation in her voice.

Ruth picked at the skin on her thumb. She searched her mind for how to reply to this woman, this stranger. She yearned for Rosa. June and the others may not like her, but Ruth felt safe with Rosa. Rosa would know how to reply. No, Rosa would save her from replying. She tried to think of what Rosa might do and decided to give Ms. Kay a nod, hoping it was an appropriate response. It seemed to be okay because Ms. Kay went on and said, “Now, Ruth, your father tells me your schizophrenia causes you to create imaginary friends. Can you tell me about them?”

At the same time, June scoffed and March knocked a row of books off of a book shelf. Is she talking about them? Italicize Ruth's thoughts.Ruth didn’t have any imaginary friends. She was not a child. The doctors told her Daddy that she didn't make anything up.

But if Ruth told Ms. Kay about her friends, then maybe she could leave. She opened her mouth and waited for the words to find their way out.

“They aren’t imaginary. They’re not made up. You, you just can’t see them. They’re March and May and June and July and…” Ruth trailed off, loosing her train of thought. She quickly willed her head to make more sentences before that awful woman could speak again. “They talk, play. Theytell me things about people, whether they’re good or bad. And they say things about people and tell me to do things to people.” Once she started speaking, the words started to come on their on accord, without Ruth forcing them out.

“See, they’re all faeries, one for each month, and I am too. They told me that we can do magic and fly, but not yet. One day, I’ll know when, I’ll join them.” That was as much as she could say before Ms. Kay cut in.

“Ruth, sweetheart,” she said with a falsely sympathetic look on her face, “what I’m going to say is going to help you in the long run. Some other people may try to spare your feelings but this is something you need to know. These, these people you see, they aren’t real. They’re nonexistent, figments of your imagination.”

Upon hearing this, June and March began to shriek a fresh stream of blasphemies. Not long after, all of the others arrived. Their stomping, their roaring, their overwhelming fury consumed every nook and cranny of Ruth’s head. They pushed at and stretched the boundaries of her mind until she was sure it would split. There wasn’t even one little corner she could have just for herself and no one else. She screamed, she tried to cover both her ears and her eyes from the flood of senses, she kicked at the desk. If Ms. Kay was saying something, Ruth couldn’t hear a word of it.

Ms. Kay seemed to pick up on that and raised her voice to add to the cacophony. And above the crashing and screaming, Ruth could here Ms. Kay’s voice. “…this! This is not normal! This is what we need to fix!”

Normal! There’s that word again! It infuriated Ruth; why couldn’t they understand? This is my normal, she thought. Ruth was happy. Why did they need to fix her, change who she was? And then Ruth found an out.

Ruth stood up, pushing her chair back, and dashed out of the room. Her heavy breathing echoed through the hallway. She didn’t look back but she heard the clatter of Ms. Kay’s high heels pursuing her. Ruth would have to find a staircase fast. She slid around corner after corner, turning when the fairies told her to. There! She came across a set of stairs. She climbed them two at a time, sure that Ms. Kay couldn’t match her pace in those ridiculous shoes. She skipped the first few landings, praying for an exit to the roof.

Through a stroke of luck, she found an exit. She fumbled with the deadlock for too long. The clatter was getting closer. When she swung the door open, Ms. Kay was no more than a few stairs behind her, shoes in hand.

Ruth ran to the edge of the building. When she reached the ridge, Ms. Kay paused. Her hands were held up, as if to fend off an attack.

Ruth didn’t understand. Why would she do that? Ruth didn’t understand why anyone did anything. She tried again and again to wrap her mind around the motives people have for the things they do. Why did she have to eat the watermelon? Why was she here? Why was every one always trying to fix her?

Ruth didn’t need to wonder anymore. She said, to no one and everyone, “I’m leaving your world. It’s time to escape to mine,” right before she jumped.


All in all, it was a good story even though it was a bit predictable at the end. Anyway, I was left with some things that still needed to be clarified. Where was Rosa? If she was in the building, couldn't she hear the commotion? I think that it was definetley a new idea. There were some bits where the tense was not the same throughout. It was mostly when Ruth was thinking about something. Another thing that would make it easier for the reader is to change the name of one of them since they both start with R's. It was hard to seperate the differences between them.

PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
~Danie
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Fri May 28, 2010 12:38 am
CaseySaz says...



Thanks so much for reviewing everybody!
Fight4whatisright - Thanks for the praise, it really means a lot:) I totally see what you mean with the speech. I'll fix that up.
Kyllorac - Now that I look that over, it does sound strange. I'll switch it. Thanks for your review!
Danie-Thanks for an honest review:) Those mistake were so silly and I'd have hated handing it in with errors like that. I tend to have trouble with tense; I just get so into the writing that it slips my mid. When I read it over, I already know what I'm saying so it doesn't occur to me:) So thanks a ton for your time and for responding so quickly!
  





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Fri May 28, 2010 6:24 pm
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lilymoore says...



Hey there Casey! Here as asked and since this is for an assignment, I’ll do my bestestest to help you out!


August 20th found Ruth Beddow and Rosa Gomez sitting side by side in outdoor lounge chairs, arguing over a watermelon.


As far as opening lines go, I’m not sure this is the strongest. It lacks a good hook. You want to take something about the situation that will grab us by the neck, and then use that for your opening.

I need her to be, I mean, she needs to be equipped to go off on her own when the time comes.


Those two little letters help make a lot more sense out of things. :D

There wasn’t even one little corner she could have just for herself and no one else.


This is worded very awkwardly. The idea you have here would almost be better presented as a question: “Wasn’t there even one little corner she could have to herself?” the ‘and no one else.’ is unnecessary here.


There are a few little problems I wanted to make mention of.

~ The first is what fight4 said about the names. Ruth and Rosa are very similar and it’s not an uncommon problem. Anne Rice (Interview with a Vampire) has a lot of characters whose name start with the letter ‘M.’ It made reading her books confusing sometimes because I was always forgetting which name, most of which were also 6 letters long, was wish. The same is here with two ‘R’ names containing 4 letters.

~ I can’t seem to develop an image of Rosa. I can’t tell if she’s really old or middle aged or even young. For some reason, she’s just some Mexican care giver. The same goes for Ruth. Even doing something as simple as saying that she has fair skin or dark curls could help give her some extra depth by making them seem more physical.


However, I like the idea here. It shows the inner workings of a girl who isn’t really all there. And you present her well. Even as a victim, she shows a strength of will that proves she really truly believes in these fairies.

Congrats!

If you have any questions, just PM me!
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Sat May 29, 2010 5:32 pm
Mr.Knightley says...



Hey there, Casey! I'm here to review.

I'm not going to go into nitpicks too much; it's not really important, and anything I might have said about them has already been said. Instead I'll focus on the somewhat larger things. ;)

One thing I didn't like about this was Ruth's train of thought. It was awkwardly phrased at times and a tad unrealistic. It seemed a bit too formal for me. I think that she needs to sound even more "insane."

Have you ever read the book, "The Music of Dolphins"? If you haven't, I suggest you do; it's a great book, first of all, but there's also a lot of reference in there to mental disorders that would be really helpful for you. :D

Hmm...I think that's all that needs saying, on my part, anyways. Overall, I enjoyed reading it! :D You have some skill, and the idea behind your story is a tad unorthodox, which is refreshing. Keep it up!

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Mon May 31, 2010 9:37 pm
CaseySaz says...



Thanks for the reviews!
Lilymoore - I feel the same way about my first sentence, I had actually changed it. My teacher asked to read it over and all I had was an old copy to give him. He could only read the first paragraph but he really loved the first sentence and told me to change it back. So there you go. :) And I am going to go a little more in depth with Rosa and Beth (Ruth's new name). Thank you!
Mr.Knightley - I'm going to go over her thoughts and edit them a bit. I had done some internet research and what I got out of all of that was that schizophrenics can think normally, the thoughts just "get lost" on the way to their mouth. I tried to portray that with her speech, but I totally get what you're saying and I'll fix it up. Thanks so much for your review!
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2594
Reviews: 171
Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:16 am
wewinwelose says...



I really liked this story, it was sad, happy, and cute all in one. It was informative, and to the point, and put a great deal of information into a small amount of space. These are all good things, but I do have one thing I would like to point out. You portray Ruth as a little kid. A child. But then you give her the senses of an adult. Even a fully-fledged adult wouldn't think to realize what shoes a guidance counselor was wearing under her desk and then be able to connect that to how fast she would be able to run. Even if she is very bright and special, some of these things (especially if she was schizophrenic) she wouldn't want to, or think to notice. Just some advice there :). I liked the story very much.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx

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The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken