Young Writers Society

It's been long since I last posted my chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Reviews welcome. I have started with the second part of the chapter but I don't have time to complete it now so would post part one to get reviews. Thanks a lot in advance.

SEAN KERR
26th June
12:17 AM

I was busy examining Amanda’s body while my team searched for a possible clue. The murderer or murderers had shot at the best spot; the heart. The blood had stopped flowing now which meant only one thing: Amanda had been shot dead a lot before we arrived. Her hands were red due to the rope which had been tied to her hands. She was wearing a diamond bracelet at this time of the night. These celebrities are hard to know!
I turned back to find Tim standing and using his cell phone to text someone. His shaggy black hair was flowing in wind and he used his one hand to set them back.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I bellowed. I was still not over him for sneaking out in the middle of his duty.
“I am just sending a message to my wife. She texted now and I need to answer her back or else she will be worried,” he said meekly.
“If she sent a message then why didn’t I hear the ring tone?” I asked him. I was growing suspicious on him.
“I had it on the vibration mode.”
“I didn’t hear the vibration either,” he said.
“She did send the message now. You were so busy that you must have missed it. Do you want me to show it?” he shot back.
“Yes, I would love to see it,” I replied and stepped forward.
He pressed some buttons and then shoved the screen forward for me to look.
The message was sent by some Rosanna and didn’t have anything serious. The lady had just typed that she was going to sleep. I handed back the mobile and stood akimbo.
“Satisfied?” he asked sarcastically. He was messing with the wrong person.
I nodded.
“May I message her back now?” he asked.
“I think it would be better if you call her. Just don’t tell her about the murder or else…,” I left rest to his imagination.
His face was hard to read.
“As you say,” he said and dialled the number. After few seconds, he started talking.
“Are the kids asleep? Are you fine?” He stopped for his wife to speak. “Good night,” he said and then hung up the phone.
“Through with the call?” I questioned.
“Yes officer.”
He put his mobile in the pocket of his loose trouser, and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. I took a quick look at him. He was wearing his grey security guard uniform with a logo of Skylark Security. His hair was a bunch of dirty mess, having no sheen in it. His nose was pointed and his skin was pale. He looked in a serious need of bath.
I went back to Amanda’s body and started looking for some vital clue. That’s when I saw those bruises, the ones covering her left arm. They weren’t going to help a lot, but I have learned one thing in this occupation, every clue is important. It was some start to what seemed like a clueless night.
That’s when I heard Chloe’s scream. “Look what is here,” I heard her. I stood up and walked ahead so that I could hear more. The scream had come from the right side of hallway. Tim looked as shocked as I was, the only difference was that I didn’t show it on my face. After years of experience in these types of cases, I had now become stronger and any fear couldn’t deter me from my mission. But as for Tim this was the first time he had witnessed such a sight. But there was one more thing going on my mind to why he could’ve been scared. Maybe it was because he killed Amanda and had left something back for us? I had to stop thinking and act fast. I took Tim’s hand in my grip and headed towards…

“I can’t believe that you shouted for some silly dress,” I growled in frustration at Chloe.
“Neither can I,” she sounded sorry for giving all of us those goose bumps. She sank down her head and started playing with a strand of her hair. “But the dress was awesome, wasn’t it?” She was unable to control her excitement over the Chanel dress she saw in Amanda’s closet.
“Whatever it was, you just…,” Roger found difficulty in finding an appropriate word for the ridiculous act of Chloe.
“I know. I know, Roger. Don’t keep embarrassing me,” she warned Roger in an irritated tone. She had listened enough of lectures from me on this topic and she didn’t want Roger to add to them.
“What’s next?” Jack asked.
“Roger call the ambulance and Chloe come with me. Both of you go look in the gardens for a clue,” I said looking at Jack and Derek.
Both of them instantly ran down while Roger retrieved his cell phone from his windcheater. He went inside one of the rooms so to give me and Chloe some time to investigate Tim.

Tim was seated on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where
“We didn’t get any time for personal talk, did we?” I asked and sat down opposite him on a wooden chair.
“Yeah offic-,” I cut him off in between.
“Okay, so here are some questions for you.”
“Shoot,” he was fearless like a hyena.
“Here they go. When did Amanda leave for the premiere tonight?”
“I don’t know. I came here for my duty at eight o’ clock in evening. She wasn't there then. Must have left before.”
“Whose duty is it before you?”
“Adam. Adam Clifford. He comes here in the morning after I leave.”
”Where can we find him?”
“I don’t know. You will have to ask the security company. They have all the information on their records.” He told us.
“Chloe, call the security company and take Adam’s number. We’ll need to go to his house. Do you get me?”
“Yes officer,” Chloe shook her head obediently and took the card from Tim of the company she was supposed to call.
In seconds she vanished from the scene and I was alone with Tim. I saw him take a deep breath and sank back on the couch comfortably. He was very tired, I guessed.
“Do you have more questions, officer?” He asked me after closing his eyes for a lone moment.
“Yes, I do. Are you okay?” I asked him. Normally, I didn’t give so much freedom to any of the witnesses or suspects. But he was different. He had proved me that he was innocent with his relaxed and gentle composure. Practically, I shouldn’t believe my instincts, but they were hard to resist. I wasn’t going to leave him now but I decided to be lenient with him. After all if he was innocent then he deserved gentle treatment and discovering a dead body can be quite a trauma. He nodded and now was the time to ask him the most important question.
“Why did you come inside your mistress’s house? I don’t think that was allowed, was it?”
He scratched his forehead once before answering me.
“I knew this would be coming. Actually, the housekeeper, Mrs. Gupta just left back for India tonight. Amanda hadn’t found any housekeeper so she asked me to close the showers in her gardens. I just came inside to close them as the control is from here. Also, the lights of her room were on and I had to deliver a very important message to her.”
“What was the message?” I asked curiously hoping to find some lead.
“Josh Burton, the director of her next project wanted to discuss the script with her. He had asked me to tell her that he would be coming at the set of her movie.”
“How did you come to know of this?”
“I got the call at security cabin. Whatever calls come at her landline which are not picked are then sent at my cabin. In case they are important like this one was,” he quickly added the last line.
“I see,” I remarked.
By then, Chloe had come back. She was panting for breath.
“I got the address and the number. Would you like to leave now?” she asked.
“Not now. Where are others? We can’t be wasting so long. We need to inform the media too or else they’ll come up with some lame blame game of theirs. Wow! I have become a poet,” I laughed. None of them found it amusing so at last I had to stop laughing.
“Foolish media people,” Chloe mumbled under her breath.
That’s when Roger along with Jack and Derek entered the room.
“What’s the verdict?” I asked.
“I have called the ambulance,” Roger informed proudly.
I looked at Jack for some hopeful answer. He nodded and then spoke what I was dying to listen to. “We got some footprints. Maybe they belong to the killer.”
“That’s excellent,” Chloe’s face brightened up. I too couldn’t push away a smile.
Roger looked at Jack and then back at Chloe. They seemed to be talking something in their minds which only they were able to understand. Then Roger heaved a big sigh.
Why was it so tough for Roger and Jack to stay in harmony?
“No rivalry would do tonight,” I said but made my statement seem general even though everyone except for Tim knew what I possibly meant by it.
“Tell me more about the footprints.”
“Sir, we didn’t get much information but from what we could get this seems to be normal size shoe. Maybe six or eight. We’re not sure though.”
“We will get forensics do the rest. But we need to make sure that the print stays there. It can be an important clue. We cannot afford to miss it.”
Everybody seemed to be agreeing with me.

Hey there shubhi!
Here to review as requested.

Red = Corrections
Bold = My advise

SEAN KERR
26th June
12:17 AM

I was busy examining Amanda’s body while my team searched for a possible clue. The murderer, or murderers, had shot at the best This would sound better if you replaced it with a word like fatal spot; the heart. The blood had stopped flowing now which meant only one thing. Amanda had been shot dead a lot for a while before we arrived. Her hands were red due to the rope which had been tied to her handsaround her wrists. She was wearing a diamond bracelet at this time of the night. These celebrities are hard to know! I didn't really understand this part. Try and rephrase it!
I turned back to find Tim standing and using his cell phone to text someone. His shaggy black hair was flowing in the wind air and he used his one hand to set themit back.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I bellowed. I was still not over him for sneaking out in the middle of his duty.
“I am just sending a message to my wife. She texted now and I need to answer her back or else she will be worried,” he said meekly.
“If she sent a message then why didn’t I hear the ring tone?” I asked him. I was growling suspiciously.
“I put it on the vibration mode.”
“I didn’t hear the vibration either,” he said.
“She did send the message now. You were so busy so must have missed it. Do you want me to show it?” he shot back.
“Yes, I would love to see it,” I replied and stepped forward.
He pressed some buttons and then shoved the screen forward for me to look.
The message was sent by some Rosanna and didn’t have anything serious. The lady had just typed that she was going to sleep. I handed back the mobile and stood akimbo.
“Satisfied?” he asked sarcastically. He was messing up with the wrong person.
I nodded.
“May I message her back now?” he asked.
“I think it would be better if you call her. Just don’t tell her about the murder or else…,” I left rest to his imagination.
His face was hard to read.
“As you say,” he said and dialled the number. After few seconds, he started talking.
“Are the kids asleep? Are you fine?” He stopped for his wife to speak. “Good night,” he said and then hung up the phone.
“Through with the call?” I asked.
“Yes officer.” I didn't really like this dialogue in a clump, try varying it a bit
He put his mobile in the pocket of his loose trouser, and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. I took a quick look at him. He was wearing his grey security guard grey uniform with a logo of Skylark Security. His hair was a bunch of dirty mess, having no sheen in themit. His nose was pointed and his skin was pale. He looked in a serious need of bath.
I went back to Amanda’s body and started looking for some vital clue. That’s when I saw those bruises, the ones covering her left arm. They weren’t going to help a lot, but I haved learned one thing in this occupation; every clue is important. It was somea start to what seemed like a clueless night. This didn't make much sense because you just said about the bruises on her arms. It would be fine if you said something like, an almost clueless night
That’s when I heard Chloe’s scream. “Look what is here,” she had screamed. I stood up and walked ahead so that I could hear more. The scream had come from the right side of hallway. Tim looked as shocked as I was, but the only difference was that I didn’t show it on my face. After years of experience in these types of cases, I had now become stronger and any fear couldn’t deter me from my mission. But as for Tim this was the first time he had witnessed such a sight. But there was one more thing going on my mind that to why he could’ve been scared. Maybe it was because he killed Amanda and had left something back for us? I had to stop thinking and act fast. I took Tim’s hand in my grip and headed towards…

“I can’t believe that you shouted for some silly dress,” I growled in frustration at Chloe.
“Neither can I,” she sounded sorry for giving all of us those goose bumps. She sank down her head and started playing with a strand of her hair. “But the dress was awesome, wasn’t it?” She was unable to control her excitement over the Chanel dress she saw in Amanda’s closet.
“Whatever it was, you just…,” Roger found difficulty in finding an appropriate word for the ridiculous act of Chloe.
“I know. I know, Roger. Don’t keep embarrassing me,” she warned Roger in an irritated tone. She had listened enough of lectures from me on this topic and she didn’t want Roger to add to them.
“What’s next?” Jack asked.
“Roger call the ambulance and Chloe come with me. Both of you go look in the gardens for a clue,” I said looking at Jack and Derek.
Both of them instantly ran down while Roger retrieved his cell phone from his windcheater. He went inside one of the rooms so to give me and Chloe some time to investigate Tim.

Tim was seateditting on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where
“We didn’t get any time for personal talk, did we?” I asked him and sat down opposite him on a wooden chair.
“Yeah offic…,” I cut him in between.
“Okay, so here are some questions for you?”
“Shoot,” he was fearless like a hyena.
“Here they go. When did Amanda leave for the premiere tonight?”
“I don’t know. I came here for my duty at eight o’ clock in evening. She was not there then. Must have left before.”
“Whose duty is it before you?”
“Adam. Adam Clifford. He comes here in the morning after I leave.”
”Where can we find him?”
“I don’t know. You will have to ask the security company. They have all the information on their records.” He told us.
“Chloe, call the security company and take Adam’s number. We’ll need to go to his house. Do you get me?”
“Yes officer,” Chloe shook her head obediently and took the card from Tim of the company she was supposed to call.
In seconds she vanished from the scene and I was alone with Tim. I saw him take a deep breath and sank back on the couch comfortably. He was very tired, I guessed.
“Do you have more questions, officer?” he asked me after closing his eyes for a lone moment.
“Yes, I do. Are you okay?” I asked him. Normally, I didn’t give so much freedom to any of the witnesses or suspects. But he was different. He had proved me that he was innocent with his relaxed and gentle composure. Practically, I shouldn’t really believe my instincts, but they were hard to resist. I wasn’t going to leave him now but I decided to be lenient with him. After all, if he was innocent then he deserved gentle treatment and discovering a first a dead body can be quite a trauma. He nodded and now was the time to ask him the most important question.
“Why did you come inside your mistress’s house? I don’t think that was allowed, was it?”
He scratched his forehead once before answering me.
“I knew this would be coming. Actually, the housekeeper, Mrs. Gupta just left back for India tonight. Amanda hadn’t found any housekeeper so she asked me to close the showers in her gardens. I just came inside to close them as the control is from here. Also, the lights of her room were on and I had to deliver a very important message to her.”
“What was the message?” I asked curiously, hoping to find some kind of lead.
“Josh Burton, the director of her next project wanted to discuss the script with her. He had asked me to tell her that he would be coming at the set of her movie.”
“How did you come to know of this?”
“I got the call at security cabin. Whatever calls come at her land- space hereline which are not picked are then sent at my cabin. In case they are important like this one was,” he quickly added the last line.
“I see,” I remarked.
By then, Chloe had come back. She was panting for breath.
“I got the address and the number. Would you like to leave now?” she asked.
“Not now. Where are others? We can’t be wasting so long. We need to inform the media too or else they’ll come up with some lame blame game of theirs. Wow! I have become a poet,” I laughed. None of them found it amusing so at last I had to stop laughing.
“Foolish media people,” Chloe mumbled under her breath.
That’s when Roger along with Jack and Derek entered the room.
“What’s the verdict?” I asked.
“I have called the ambulance,” Roger informed proudly.
I looked at Jack for some hopeful answer. He nodded and then spoke what I was dying to listen. “We got some footprints. Maybe they belong to the killer.”
“That’s excellent,” Chloe’s face brightened up. I too couldn’t push away a smile.
Roger looked at Jack and then back at Chloe. They seemed to be talking something in their minds which only they were able to understand. Then Roger heaved a big sigh.
Why was it so tough for Roger and Jack to stay in harmony?
“No rivalry would do tonight,” I said but mademaking my statement seem general, even though everyone except for Tim knew what I possibly meant by it.
“Tell me more about the footprints.”
“Sir, we didn’t get much information but from what we could get, this seems to be normalan average sized shoe. Maybe six or eight? We’re not sure though.”
“We will get forensics do the rest, but we need to make sure that the print stays there. It can be an important clue. We cannot afford to miss it.”
Everybody seemed to be agreeing with me.

I still like the idea and concept of your story, but I didn't quite like this chapter as much of the others. Mind you, that's probably because this was more of a discussion scene. I like action scenes!

There were quite a few grammar errors, but there was nothing that will be hard to sort out. There was also quite a few clumps of dialogue. If you put a few descriptions in between the dialogue, it would look a loo better.

Overall, I still really like your story! All you need to do now is clean it up a bit.

xoxo Skins

Also, because you're writing a story, you should post it as a story format. To do this, you simply have to click on the option that says 'story' at the bottom of the post. It's pretty easy to find.

shubhiloves2write wrote:It's been long since I last posted my chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Reviews welcome. I have started with the second part of the chapter but I don't have time to complete it now so would post part one to get reviews. Thanks a lot in advance.

SEAN KERR
26th June
12:17 AM

I was busy examining Amanda’s body while my team searched for a possible clue. The murderer or murderers had shot aimed and shot for the most vital point at the best spot: the heart. The blood had stopped flowing now which meant only one thing: Amanda had been shot dead a lot long before we arrived. Her hands were red due to the rope which had been tied to around her hands. She was wearing a diamond bracelet at this time of the night. These celebrities are hard to know! like skins said this part was confusing.
I turned back to find Tim standing and using his cell phone to text someone. His shaggy black hair was blowing in air and he used his one hand to set them back.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I bellowed. I was still not over him for sneaking out in the middle of his duty.
“I am just sending a message to my wife. She just texted and I need had to answer her back or else she will be worried,” he said meekly.
“If she sent a message then why didn’t I hear the ring tone?” I asked him. I was growing suspicious.
“I put had it on the vibration mode.”
“I didn’t hear the vibration either,” he said.
“She did send the message now. You were so busy so that you must have missed it. Do you want me to show it?” he shot back.
“Yes, I would love to see it,” I replied and stepped forward.
He pressed some buttons and then shoved the screen forward for me to look.
The message was sent by some Rosanna and didn’t have anything serious. The lady had just typed that she was going to sleep. I handed back the mobile and stood akimbo.
“Satisfied?” he asked sarcastically. He was messing up with the wrong person.
I nodded.
“May I message her back now?” he asked.
“I think it would be better if you call her. Just don’t tell her about the murder or else…,” I left the rest to his imagination.
His face was hard to read.
“As you say,” he said and dialled the number. After few seconds, he started talking.
“Are the kids asleep? Are you fine?” He stopped for his wife to speak. “Good night,” he said and then hung up the phone.
“Through with the call?” I asked. Too many 'ask'. Try a different word like questioned or something
“Yes officer.”
He put his mobile in the pocket of his loose trouser and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. I took a quick look at him. He was wearing his security guard grey uniform with a logo of Skylark Security. His hair was a bunch of dirty mess, having no sheen in them it . His nose was pointed and his skin was pale. He looked in a serious need of bath.
I went back to Amanda’s body and started looking for some vital clue. That’s when I saw those bruises, the ones covering her left arm. They weren’t going to help a lot but I have learned one thing in this occupation, every clue is important. It was some start to what seemed like a clueless night.
That’s when I heard Chloe’s scream. “Look what is here,” she had screamed Okay, we know she's screming at the begining of the sentecnce but why put it again?. I stood up and walked ahead so that I could hear more. The scream had come from the right side of hallway. Tim looked as shocked as I was but the difference was that I didn’t show it on my face. After years of experience in these types of cases, I had now become stronger and any fear couldn’t deter me from my mission. But as for Tim this was the first time he had witnessed such a sight. But there was one more thing going on my mind that he could’ve been scared maybe because he killed Amanda and had left something back for us. I had to stop thinking and act fast. I took Tim’s hand in my grip and headed towards…

“I can’t believe that you shouted for some silly dress,” I growled in frustration at Chloe.
“Neither can I,” she sounded sorry for giving all of us those goose bumps. She sank down her head and started playing with a strand of her hair. “But the dress was awesome, wasn’t it?” She was unable to control her excitement over the Chanel dress she saw in Amanda’s closet.
“Whatever it was, you just…,” Roger found difficulty in finding an appropriate word for the ridiculous act of Chloe.
“I know. I know, Roger. Don’t keep embarrassing me,” she warned Roger in an irritated tone. She had listened enough of lectures from me on this topic and she didn’t want Roger to add them.
“What’s next?” Jack asked. again with the 'ask'.
“Roger call the ambulance and Chloe come with me. Both of you go look in the gardens for a clue,” I said looking at Jack and Derek.
Both of them instantly ran down while Roger retrieved his cell phone from his windcheater. He went inside one of the rooms so to give me and Chloe some time to investigate Tim.

Tim was seated on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where
“We didn’t get any time for personal talk, did we?” I asked him and sat down opposite him on a wooden chair.
“Yeah offic…,” I cut him in between.
“Okay, so here are some questions for you?”This is more of demand then a question.
“Shoot,” he was fearless like a hyena.
“Here they go. When did Amanda leave for the premiere tonight?”
“I don’t know. I came here for my duty at eight o’ clock in evening. She was not there then . Must have left before.”
“Whose duty is it before you?”
“Adam. Adam Clifford. He comes here in the morning after I leave.”
”Where can we find him?”
“I don’t know. You will have to ask the security company. They have all the information on their records.” He told I think explianed to would sound better us.
“Chloe, call the security company and take get Adam’s number. We’ll need to go to his house. Do you getme I think understand might sound better?”
“Yes officer," way too many officers try 'sir' once in a while,” Chloe shook her head obediently and took the card from Tim of the company she was supposed to call.
In seconds she vanished from the scene and I was alone with Tim. I saw him take a deep breath and sank back on the couch comfortably. He was very tired, I guessed.
“Do you have more questions, officer?” he asked me after closing his eyes for a lone moment.
“Yes, I do. Are you okay?” I asked him. Normally, I didn’t give so much freedom to any of the witnesses or suspects. But he was different. He had proved me that he was innocent with his relaxed and gentle composure. Practically, I shouldn’t believe my instincts but they were hard to resist. I wasn’t going to leave him now but I decided to be lenient with him. After all if he was innocent then he deserved gentle treatment and discovering a first a dead body can be quite a trauma. He nodded and now was the time to ask him the most important question.
“Why did you come inside your mistress’s house? I don’t think that was allowed, was it?”
He scratched his forehead once before answering me.
“I knew this would be coming. Actually, the housekeeper, Mrs. Gupta just left back for India tonight. Amanda hadn’t found any housekeeper so she asked me to close the showers in her gardens. I just came inside to close them as the control is from here. Also, the lights of her room were on and I had to deliver a very important message to her.”
“What was the message?” I asked curiously hoping to find some lead.
“Josh Burton, the director of her next project wanted to discuss the script with her. He had asked me to tell her that he would be coming at the set of her movie.”
“How did you come to know of this?”
“I got the call at security cabin. Whatever calls come at her landline which are not picked are then sent at my cabin. In case they are important like this one was,” he quickly added the last line.
“I see,” I remarked.
By then, Chloe had come back. She was panting for breath.
“I got the address and the number. Would you like to leave now?” she asked.
“Not now. Where are others? We can’t be wasting so long. We need to inform the media too or else they’ll come up with some lame blame game of theirs. Wow! I have become a poet,” I laughed. None of them found it amusing so at last I had to stop laughing.
“Foolish media people,” Chloe mumbled under her breath.
That’s when Roger along with Jack and Derek entered the room.
“What’s the verdict?” I asked.
“I have called the ambulance,” Roger informed proudly.
I looked at Jack for some hopeful answer. He nodded and then spoke what I was dying to listen. “We got some footprints. Maybe they belong to the killer.”
“That’s excellent,” Chloe’s face brightened up. I too couldn’t push away a smile.
Roger looked at Jack and then back at Chloe. They seemed to be talking something in their minds which only they were able to understand. Then Roger heaved a big sigh.
Why was it so tough for Roger and Jack to stay in harmony?
“No rivalry would do tonight,” I said but made my statement seem general even though everyone except for Tim knew what I possibly meant by it.
“Tell me more about the footprints.”
“Sir, we didn’t get much information but from what we could get this seems to be normal size shoe. Maybe six or eight. We’re not sure though.”
“We will get forensics do the rest. But we need to make sure that the print stays there. It can be an important clue. We cannot afford to miss it.”
Everybody seemed to be agreeing with me.

DID YOU LIKE IT?

Okay, there were a few mistakes here and there that skin and me pointed out to you, but all in all it this was good and errie. Thank you for the read.

Thanks Skins and curiousvampire.I will fix all the errors. Thanks again to both of you for reviewing my work!

Comments, suggestions, corrections and all of that stuff in lovely red!

shubhiloves2write wrote:SEAN KERR
26th June
12:17 AM

I was busy examining Amanda’s body while my team searched for a possible clue. The murderer or murderers had shot at the best spot: heart. The blood had stopped flowing now which meant only one thing: I didn't like the :'s... maybe they could be dashes or semicollins? Amanda had been shot dead a lot a lot doesn't sound quite right... quite a while before we arrived maybe? before we arrived. Her hands were red due to the rope which had been tied to her hands Hands was repetitive.. She was wearing a diamond bracelet at this time of the night. These celebrities are hard to know!
I turned back to find Tim standing and using his cell phone to text someone. His shaggy black hair was flowing in air and he used his one hand to set them back. That sentence sounds awkward to me...but it could be just me.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I bellowed. I was still not over him for sneaking out in the middle of his duty.
“I am just sending a message to my wife. She texted now and I need to answer her back or else she will be worried,” Sounds forced...I have the same problem... he said meekly.
“If she sent a message then why didn’t I hear the ring tone?” I asked him. I was growing suspicious.
“I put it on the vibration mode.”
“I didn’t hear the vibration either,” he said.
“She did send the message now. You were so busy so yout must have missed it. Do you want me to show it?” he shot back.
“Yes, I would love to see it,” I replied and stepped forward.
He pressed some buttons and then shoved the screen forward for me to look.
The message was sent by some Rosanna and didn’t have anything serious. The lady had just typed that she was going to sleep. I handed back the mobile and stood akimbo.
“Satisfied?” he asked sarcastically. He was messing up with the wrong person.
I nodded.
“May I message her back now?” he asked.
“I think it would be better if you call her. Just don’t tell her about the murder or else…,” I left rest to his imagination.
His face was hard to read.
“As you say,” he said and dialled the number. After few seconds, he started talking.
“Are the kids asleep? Are you fine?” He stopped for his wife to speak. “Good night,” he said and then hung up the phone.
“Through with the call?” I asked.
“Yes officer.”
He put his mobile in the pocket of his loose trousers and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. I took a quick look at him. He was wearing his security guard grey uniform with a logo of Skylark Security. His hair was a bunch of dirty mess, having no sheen in it. His nose was pointed and his skin was pale. He looked in a serious need of a bath.
I went back to Amanda’s body and started looking for some vital clue. That’s when I saw those bruises, the ones covering her left arm. They weren’t going to help a lot but I have learned one thing in this occupation, every clue is important. It was some start to what seemed like a clueless night.
That’s when I heard Chloe’s scream. “Look what is here,” she had screamed. I stood up and walked ahead so that I could hear more. The scream had come from the right side of hallway. Tim looked as shocked as I was but the difference was that I didn’t show it on my face. After years of experience in these types of cases, I had now become stronger and any fear couldn’t deter me from my mission. But as for Tim this was the first time he had witnessed such a sight. But there was one more thing going on my mind that he could’ve been scared maybe because he killed Amanda and had left something back for us. I had to stop thinking and act fast. I took Tim’s hand in my grip and headed towards…

“I can’t believe that you shouted for some silly dress,” I growled in frustration at Chloe.
“Neither can I,” she sounded sorry for giving all of us those goose bumps. She sank down her head and started playing with a strand of her hair. “But the dress was awesome, wasn’t it?” She was unable to control her excitement over the Chanel dress she saw in Amanda’s closet.
“Whatever it was, you just…,” Roger found difficulty in finding an appropriate word for the ridiculous act of Chloe. The last part sounded awkward. Maybe reword it to, "Chloe's ridiculous act" or something
“I know. I know, Roger. Don’t keep embarrassing me,” she warned Roger in an irritated tone. She had listened enough of lectures from me on this topic and she didn’t want Roger to add them.
“What’s next?” Jack asked.
“Roger, call the ambulance and Chloe come with me. Both of you go look in the gardens for a clue,” I said looking at Jack and Derek.
Both of them instantly ran down while Roger retrieved his cell phone from his windcheater. He went inside one of the rooms so to give me and Chloe some time to investigate Tim.

Tim was seated on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where your sentence cuts off here...where what?
“We didn’t get any time for personal talk, did we?” I asked him and sat down opposite him oops...repeated 'him' on a wooden chair.
“Yeah office…,” I cut him off in between.
“Okay, so here are some questions for you?”
“Shoot,” he was fearless like as a hyena.
“Here they go. When did Amanda leave for the premiere tonight?”
“I don’t know. I came here for my duty at eight o’ clock in evening. She was not wasn't there then. Must have left before.” Most people don't say "will not" "can not" ect...very often. They usually abbreviate it
“Whose duty is it before you?”
“Adam. Adam Clifford. He comes here in the morning after I leave.”
”Where can we find him?”
“I don’t know. You will have to ask the security company. They have all the information on their records.” He told us.
“Chloe, call the security company and take Adam’s number. We’ll need to go to his house. Do you get me?”
“Yes officer,” Chloe shook her head obediently and took the card from Tim of the company she was supposed to call.
In seconds she vanished from the scene and I was alone with Tim. I saw him take a deep breath and sank back on the couch comfortably. He was very tired, I guessed.
“Do you have more questions, officer?” he asked me after closing his eyes for a lone lone or long? moment.
“Yes, I do. Are you okay?” I asked him. Normally, I didn’t give so much freedom to any of the witnesses or suspects. But he was different. He had proved me that he was innocent with his relaxed and gentle composure. Practically, I shouldn’t believe my instincts but they were hard to resist. I wasn’t going to leave him now but I decided to be lenient with him. After all if he was innocent then he deserved gentle treatment and discovering a first a dead body can be quite a trauma. He nodded and now was the time to ask him the most important question.
“Why did you come inside your mistress’s house? I don’t think that was allowed, was it?”
He scratched his forehead once before answering me.
“I knew this would be coming. Actually, the housekeeper, Mrs. Gupta just left back for India tonight. Amanda hadn’t found any housekeeper so she asked me to close the showers in her gardens. I just came inside to close them as the control is from here. Also, the lights of her room were on and I had to deliver a very important message to her.”
“What was the message?” I asked curiously hoping to find some lead.
“Josh Burton, the director of her next project wanted to discuss the script with her. He had asked me to tell her that he would be coming at the set of her movie.”
“How did you come to know of this?”
“I got the call at security cabin. Whatever calls come at her landline which are not picked are then sent at to my cabin. In case they are important like this one was,” he quickly added the last line.
“I see,” I remarked.
By then, Chloe had come back. She was panting for breath.
“I got the address and the number. Would you like to leave now?” she asked.
“Not now. Where are others? We can’t be wasting so long. We need to inform the media too or else they’ll come up with some lame blame game of theirs. Wow! I have become a poet,” I laughed. None of them found it amusing so at last I had to stop laughing.
“Foolish media people,” Chloe mumbled under her breath.
That’s when Roger along with Jack and Derek entered the room.
“What’s the verdict?” I asked.
“I have called the ambulance,” Roger informed proudly.
I looked at Jack for some hopeful answer. He nodded and then spoke what I was dying to listen. You either should chance "listen" to "hear" or add a "to" on the end. “We got some footprints. Maybe they belong to the killer.”
“That’s excellent,” Chloe’s face brightened up. I, too couldn’t push away a smile.
Roger looked at Jack and then back at Chloe. They seemed to be talking something in their minds which only they were able to understand This sentence seemed sort of awkward to me.... Then Roger heaved a big sigh.
Why was it so tough for Roger and Jack to stay in harmony?
“No rivalry would do tonight,” I said but made my statement seem general even though everyone except for Tim knew what I possibly meant by it.
“Tell me more about the footprints.”
“Sir, we didn’t get much information; but from what we could maybe use italics to emphasize "could"? get this seems to be normal size shoe. Maybe six or eight. We’re not sure though.”
“We will get forensics do the rest. But we need to make sure that the print stays there. It can be an important clue. We cannot afford to miss it.”
Everybody seemed to be agreeing with me.

I'm still really enjoying the story! The only thing I really have to say is to watch your sentence structure. Lots of the time they come off as sort of awkward and unnatural. I wouldn't feel too bad about that though 'cause I have the same problem! But that's what reviewers are for, right?
Well anywho...I still really really like the plot! It's creative and it keeps me reading.

Oh, and sorry it took so long for me to get to the review.

Thanks a lot Isha.

Sorry, I don't have enough time to go through the whole thing and point out the mistakes. I'll jsut give a shorter version.

FIrst off, I loved the side moment you had with the guy and the cell phone. The take that moment when he shown Sean the message was great, especially when coupled with the suspicion before hand.

Tim's interogation was also a high point. I like how you portrayed his mannarisms (something the narrator also points out). Of course, you can't go a different route and make him a suspect in the killing as we already know Olivia is the killer, and to suspect Tim wouldn't work in the slightest. Though he could be an accomplice...

A couple things; sentence structure. You NEED to know where to place those commas. Without them, some sentences have weird wordings, run longer than they need to, or simply look bad.

Nitpicks:

Tim was seated on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where

Incomplete much?

“Yeah offic…,” I cut him in between

When you have something like this where a character is cut off mid-speech, you would not use ellipsis. Use a hyphen. "Yeah offic-" I cut him in between.

Better chapter than the last one. Good job. Just rework the wording of this chapter and you'll be set.

Thanks RK.

Hi there, shubhi! Sorry I didn’t get a chance to leave a review yesterday, it was my first day at work and we were kind of busy with some family stuff.

I was excited to see another chapter from Sean’s POV—I really enjoy his narration. His likability as a character is really growing, here—he seems to have a pretty “strict but fair” personality which I’ve always enjoyed reading about. This chapter did a really good job showing how seriously he takes his job and how careful he is about everything. I, too, especially liked the fact that he gets upset when he sees Tim texting, and his demand to see the text message that his wife sent him—it’s a definite sign that he’s suspicious and staying on his toes, after all, he thinks he might be in a room with the killer. I think it was things like that that really demonstrated the aspects of his character you mentioned in earlier chapters. I also liked the scenes that showed some of the redeeming aspects of his character, though—like how frightened he is for Chloe and how he sort of takes pity on Tim late in the chapter.

I actually think you did a great job showing different aspects of everybody’s characterization in this chapter—even Amanda gets the mention of wearing a diamond bracelet all alone at home at night, reinforcing some of her shallowness and vanity; and there were also little things like Tim’s timidness and Chloe’s interest swinging quickly from the case to a dress and Jack and Roger’s rivalry. This story may be a little rough, but I feel like you have really good characters here, and when you put your mind to it, you have some really great subtle characterizations that I just love.

The plot certainly is going in an interesting direction! Now that the police have found the killer’s footprint, they’ve gotten one step closer to Olivia. The conflict is deepening, and I can’t wait to see where it’s going to be taking us once things really take off. I can’t wait to get back to Olivia and find out what she’s going to do to try not to be found, and I can’t wait for the point when these plotlines start to interact and really affect one another.

By the way, I wanted to mention that between this chapter and the last one, your grammar and amount of typos improved a lot—and it helps out immensely. : )

Just a couple of things to check:

Tim was seated on a large grey sofa adjacent to the big kitchen where

The big kitchen where what?

He had proved me that he was innocent with his relaxed and gentle composure.

I’m not sure “proved” is really the word you want to use here. After all, Tim may have seemed calm, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t be skilled at hiding his emotions. Since Sean treats people with such suspicion, I can’t see him letting Tim off this easily. I dunno. XD

Anyway, this was a great start to the chapter, and I’m looking forward to reading the second half! See you soon!