Young Writers Society

This is actually a sad love story. Hope you guys like it!
I already fixed out those mistakes, guys but I could still sense and I'm 88.75% sure that there are still mistakes to be corrected here.


The Last Dance


“Have you heard yet about the upcoming high school dance, Amanda? And did someone already asked you?” questioned Veronica impatiently, as she sat down beside her so-called friend Amanda, carried her lunch tray with both hands and placed it on the table with a bang, that made Amanda jump a little from her chair.
“Yeah… I know about it…. Some boys have asked me but I just refused them,” said Amanda with a tired smile, without enthusiasm to uplift more on the subject. She was asked, for like a million times, from Veronica about the high school dance. She knew it was just a way of bragging because Veronica, after asking for like ten times a day, finally had the chance to dance with her since-fifth-grade crush, Erick, who was just a typical football player and she'd been to all of his game.
“Why would you refuse them? I mean there’s like a gym full of boys here, asking you to be their date and you’re dumping them like trash,” exclaimed Veronica then took a bite from her sandwich.
“Veronica, I’m tired and don’t want to talk about it. Plus, those guys asking me out? They are just not simply my type.” Amanda explained then stood up, fed-up of talking to Veronica.
“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to eat?” Veronica looked up to Amanda and took a bite again from her sandwich.
“Like I said I’m tired… I want to be alone.” Without saying goodbye, Amanda directly went away from Veronica. She hated sometimes how Veronica talked to her like a mother.
Amanda walked through the narrow hallway and there she knew how she missed her best friend Zack ,who was still in the hospital for almost a month. She missed his gorgeous smile that matched perfectly his green eyes and unnatural brown hair. She missed their Saturday movie marathon and the Friday night studying together, helping each other with their homework and school papers. She knew she would never had the chance to ask him out to the dance.
Zack had been suffering from an incurable cancer disease called “Leukemia”. She knew he wouldn’t live long but she wanted to have the best days with him while he’s still around.
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“Hey,” Zack greeted Amanda, as she placed her small purse on the bedside table.
“Hey, how are you?” Amanda went to towards Zack who was resting in the bed with the electronic cardiograph and dextrose beside him.
“I’m fine,” Zack said weakly but still gave out his pale warm smile.
“Good,” Amanda replied, she bent down and kissed Zack’s forehead. She knew Zack looked helpless and weak but she knew his faith could reach up to the sky. Amanda sat on a chair beside the bed. She held out her right hand and stroked Zack’s bald head. Amanda tried not to cry but tears went down against rosy cheeks. She wished this had never happened to them.
“Please don’t cry. You’ll look ugly.” Zack gave out a small laugh and offered his hand to wipe away Amanda’s tears. Amanda felt his pale hands against her face. He knew she was the girl of his dreams. He wanted to be with her. She was his best friend since their parents dropped them at pre-school and she was his first crush. He did everything just to make her happy but he knew Amanda’s tears occurred because of him.
“So, um, has anyone asked you to the high school dance?” Zack smiled at Amanda playfully. He knew there a lot of boys asking her to be their date. He knew Amanda was really beautiful and smart. He wanted to protect her despite of his unfortunate situation, so that no one wouldn’t dare to hurt her feelings.
“I don’t really want to talk about it…”
“Why?”
“ ’Cause it would only remind me of those annoying boys asking me for like twenty times to be their date. No thanks.” Amanda stuck her tongue out and laughed.
“Honestly, if I could just get the chance… I would ask you.” Zack confessed, looked at her seriously, but still there was a slight smile on his face.
Amanda couldn’t believe what she just heard from him. She looked at Zack with a surprised face.
“Okay, that’s totally weird. I should not have said that.” Zack chuckled and looked down, embarrassed.
She knew right then that they both shared the same feelings for each other.
“Zack… It’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrass about.” Amanda looked at Zack with a sincere face and held his cold pale hands. They knew it was too late to say anything about their affection to each other but still, they locked gazes, wishing that day wouldn’t last.
“Amanda,” Zack uttered her name. Their hands were now intertwined. “Could you visit me again at 4:30 tomorrow? I have something to tell you…”
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After school, Amanda went to the bus station excited, she couldn’t think of anything beyond Zack’s gorgeous. Due to that excitement she couldn’t even wear a good attire, only wearing shirt and jeans. She knew he loved her as much as she loved him.
She ran through the hospital hallway and went inside to Zack’s room. As she turned the doorknob to step inside, she noticed there was the absence of Zack. Confusion filled her brain and she was scared of what was happening. Where could Zack be? She roamed around the room and noticed a small note placed above the bedside table. She got the note that said: “ROOFTOP”.
As she placed the note into her pocket, she immediately ran to the rooftop. She didn’t care if there were a lot of people looking at her as she passed by them or how many nurses scolded her to only walk.
After Amanda pushed the door in going through the rooftop, the wind was so strong; she could feel the chilly air against her body giving her the goosebumps. The rooftop was big and white and looked isolated. Different bright flowers surrounded the rooftop and benches were placed around the corners. She walked and wandered around the rooftop until she caught Zack was walking, a crutch supporting him.
“Zack!” Amanda called out loudly and ran toward him.
“Amanda. You came… I knew you would really come.” Amanda saw Zack with a cheery face.
“Why are you here? And… what’s with that outfit?” Amanda asked, looking puzzled. She noticed Zack was wearing a tuxedo with a blue tie.
“Come…” Zack made a playful grin and offered his hand to her.
Amanda watched as Zack hobbled towards the cassette, she wanted to help but she also liked to let him walk only by himself so that he could have the strength to manage it well. As Zack pushed the play button, a classical music filled the cold atmosphere. He turned towards Amanda and gestured his hand telling her to come closer.
“What’s this all about, Zack? I’m not even sure this is allowed, you know” Amanda said. As she went closer to Zack, she smelled a sweet scent of perfume coming from him. Zack held out a bouquet of flowers and handed them to Amanda.
“Flowers for you. Don’t worry, someone helped me but I won’t tell who it was…” Zack said with a playful laugh. Amanda held the roses and smelled them. The good fragrance of the roses tickled her nose. She liked receiving flowers especially from someone like Zack.
“Thank you very much,” said Amanda politely and placed the roses on a wooden bench. When they were both closer to each other, Zack bowed down. There Amanda knew Zack wanted to dance with her.
Zack slowly grabbed Amanda’s arm and gave her hand a light kiss. Afterwards, he held her right arm up higher so that Amanda could twirl around and curtsied. They were both embarrassed but Zack had the courage to pull her closer even more and both of them felt the warmth of each other. Amanda placed her hands at Zack’s neck, both hands resting on his shoulders. He ran his fingers through her blonde hair and caressed it. Amanda looked at Zack’s stunning green eyes and wished this dance wouldn’t end.
Unexpectedly, Zack bent down to her ears, saying those three words that she had been waiting to hear from him.
“I love you, Amanda…“ Zack whispered softly. Amanda couldn’t believe it. Those words were slowly swaying in her brain. She flushed pink and didn’t know what to do.
“What’s wrong, Amanda?” Zack asked and looked at Amanda with concerned eyes.
“N-Nothing!” Amanda exclaimed nervously. Zack smiled at her and pulled her closer that they could feel each other’s warm breathing. Amanda knew she could also speak to Zack about her feelings towards him but it’s like no words came out from her mouth.
“Z-Zack… I… I---“before Amanda could finish her crooked sentence, Zack interrupted her.
“Shhh… I know what you’re going to say. I always knew that. I knew you do love me.” Zack spoke softly, still carrying his beautiful smile. Amanda smiled back and laughed at his silly words and buried her face against Zack’s chest. After few seconds, Amanda felt Zack’s left foot shaking, it was numb. She knew he needed to take a seat.
“No, I don’t want to. I still want to dance with you…” Zack said pulling Amanda closer to him. After a few seconds,he loosened his hug and faced Amanda. He stroked her cheeks and there, he kissed her gently, feeling her warm and sweet lips against his. He then kissed her again, this time it was a passionate kiss. Zack then stopped and looked at Amanda smiling sweetly at him, her cheeks turning red. They knew that they shared their first kiss with each other. They embraced each other’s warm body together again.
His hands surrounded Amanda’s back. Amanda felt Zack’s body cold and tried to rub her hands against his shoulders. She could even feel the weight of Zack against her already.
“Zack, we need to get inside now. You know this is bad for you. We should get inside. Do you want to die here?!” Amanda said jokingly.
“If it’s my time… so be it. This would be my last dance and I have you here beside me. I could never ask for anything now. ” Amanda heard Zack’s happy laugh. She was happy that at least even without the high school dance; she experienced the most memorable dance in her whole life and realized that this day is not something to forget about. She didn’t notice her tears falling down again. She was happy that she brought happiness to Zack.
“Honestly, it’s really hard to dance if my other arm’s on the crutch…” Zack stated.
“Oh. Sorry… do you want to stop? We barely move you know. Plus, you’re not a good dancer.” Amanda said sarcastically, wanting to crack a joke.
“And so are you. And I don’t want to stop. I still want to dance with you.” Zack gave out a feeble laugh and Amanda knew how Zack loved her ironic jokes. She could even still remember when they were still kids, how Amanda would tell Zack a joke and he would laugh-to-death all day.
“I love you, Amanda… Don’t ever forget it.” Zack said weakly.
Amanda felt Zack’s breathing getting hard and felt his weight even more.
She noticed the dark clouds gradually covered the warm sunshine and then the place was getting dark. A drizzle started to pour down slowly and she could feel the cold rain droplets against her skin, which made her soft little hair stood upright. She knew then that they need to get inside. Then rain started to emerge that she could feel the translucent chilly mist surrounding her feet.
“Zack… Zack? You’re heavy. C’mon, let’s go…It’s raining,” Amanda chuckled nervously. She knew Zack could still hear her? Can he?
“Zack... Why are you doing this to me? Don’t leave me like this!” she couldn’t stop crying. She beat Zack hardly at his back but still no response. She was still hugging him and sensed Zack’s hand getting lighter and colder. She knew right then… it was his time. She embraced his deceased cold body. Amanda cried out loud and didn't even care if someone saw them hugging under the rain.
“Zack, please… I love you...” Amanda uttered those words but she knew no reply can be heard now.

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I thank for all those who gave their feedbacks, comments and reviews esp. Kitty15 and Skins- thank you guys!

I know there are lots of bad grammars here... so I would expect harsh reviews and comments . I need it, everyone.

I thank you guys for reading it and I hope you liked it.

Well, i have to say this was the sadness and sweetest story that I've read so far. I like how you portrayed Zack's cancer and emotion to Amanda. One thing i noticed is that you use a lot of elipses. I would try and stay away from using these in the middle of a sentence.

Zack has been suffering from an incurable cancer disease called “Leukemia”. She knew her best friend wouldn’t live long but she wants to have the best days with him while he’s still around her.

I would just say for this, "Zack had been suffering from leukemia and she knew that he wouldn't live long but wanted to have some good days with him while he was still around."

Other than that, good job!!

Work on your tenses first.
You switch back and forth between present tense and past tense dozens of times in the story and it makes it really difficult to connect. I would suggest sticking with the past tense. Read your story out loud to yourself and you'll hear more of the choppiness that the grammatical errors create.

You have multiple grammar mistakes and, like Collision pointed out, you need to work on your tenses. There's also one or two run-on sentences, but those can be easily fixed.

I think you did a good job with this apart from what I stated above! I feld Amanda's happiness and sadness with Zack, and that's a really good thing.

Keep writing, that's the only way to improve!

Roe

So sweet and yet so sad. This was great actually, but your tenses are jumping all over the place so that makes me not fully love it and like roe said you have a number of grammatical errors that bugged me. All in all though I enjoyed how you conveyed your MC emotions. They were spot on. Anyways fix the mistakes and tenses and it would be perfection. Thanks for the read!

WOW!
You are really talented!
But, you really need to work on your punctuation here.
This was really sweet and it made me smile a lot!
It even got me a bit teary!
haha!
But I like it!
Im not really going to bother with the nitpicks because im sure someone will point them out!

Good job!
~Smexx

This is sweet.

The tense is all over the place, the grammar is awful (sorry), and the story is just way too fast paced for me. This would be more lovely if it were slow. You hardly develop the characters and they just seem like card board cut outs. Zack and Amanda should have the most character developement.

So keep writng.

Biffle

thank you guys for all of your reviews.. it really helped me a lot.

i edited some, like those tenses and switched to past tenses as what "Collision" had stated above... and I wished it would be better now... but still I'm 87% sure there are still corrections and wrong grammars.. eheheh.

hey there ! i liked this story ! it was yes, sad as you said it would. and i liked it ! the thing that was the problem was that you tend to change your tenses, so that was confusing also some grammer mistakes but still it was nice overall !! well thats about all, i encourage you to keep writing more like this.

-buddy

Heya yuriiko

Here to review!

“Have you ever heard about the upcoming high school dance this Saturday, Amanda? And has anyone already asked you out to be their date on that particular day?” questioned Veronica impatiently, No need for a comma here! as she sat down beside her so-called friend Amanda. She carried her lunch tray with both hands and placed it on the table with a bang, which made Amanda jump a little from her chair.

“Yeah… tell me about it…. Some boys have... but I just… simply refused them.” said Amanda with a tired smile, without enthusiasm to uplift more on the subject. She was asked, for like a million times, from Veronica about the high school dance. She knew it was just a way of bragging to her because Veronica, after asking for like ten times a day, finally had the chance to dance with her since-fifth-grade crush, Erick, who was just a typical football player and she'd been to every of his game.

“Why would you refuse them? I mean, there are like a gym full of boys here, asking for you to be their date and… you’re dumping them like a trash.” Exclaimed Veronica then took a bite from her sandwich.

“Veronica, I’m tired and don’t want to talk about it. Plus, those guys asking me out…? They are just simply not my type.” Amanda explained then stood up, fed-up of talking to Veronica.

“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to eat?” Veronica looked up to Amanda and took a bite again from her sandwich.



“Like I said, I’m tired… I want to be alone.” Without saying goodbye, Amanda directly went away from Veronica. She hated sometimes how Veronica talks to her like a mother.

Amanda walked through the narrow hallway and there she knew, how she missed her best friend, Zack, who was still in the hospital for almost a month. She missed his gorgeous smile that matched his perfectly green eyes and unnatural brown hair. She missed their Saturday movie marathon and the Friday night studying together, helping each other with their homework and school papers. She knew she would never had the chance to ask him out to the dance.

Zack had been suffering from an incurable cancer disease called “Leukemia”. She knew he wouldn’t live long but she wants to have the best days with him while he’s still around her.

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“Hey…” Zack greeted Amanda, as she placed her small purse on the bedside table.

“Hey, how are you, now?” Amanda went to towards Zack who was resting in the bed with the electronic cardiograph and dextrose beside him.

“I’m fine…” Zack said weakly but still gave out his pale warm smile.

“Good…” Amanda replied, she bent down and kissed Zack’s forehead. She knew Zack looked helpless and weak but she knew his faith could reach up to the sky. I liked this line! Amanda sat on a chair beside the bed. She held out her right hand and stroked Zack’s bald head. Amanda tried not to cry but tears fell down her rosy cheeks. She wished this had never happened to both of them.

“Please don’t cry… You’ll look ugly.” Zack gave out a small laugh and offered his hand to wiped Amanda’s tears. He knew she was the girl of his dreams. He wanted to be with her. She was his best friend since their parents dropped them to pre-school and she was his first crush. He did everything just to make her happy, but he knew Amanda’s tears occurred because of him.

“So…um… has anyone been asking you out lately to be their date for the high school dance?” Zack smiled at Amanda playfully. He knew there were many boys asking her to be their date. He knew Amanda was really beautiful and smart and he doesn’t want anyone to hurt her.

“I don’t really want to talk about it…”

“Why?”

“ ’Cause it would only remind me of those annoying boys asking me for like 20 times to be their date… No thanks.” Amanda stuck her tongue out and laughed.

“Honestly, if I could just get the chance… I would ask you out to be my date.” Zack confessed, looking at her seriously, but still there was a slight smile on his face.

Amanda couldn’t believe of what she just heard from him. She looked at Zack with a surprised face.

“Okay, that’s totally weird. I should not have said that…” Zack chuckled and looked down, embarrassed.

She knew right then that they both shared the same feelings for each other.

“Zack… It’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Amanda looked at Zack with a sincere face and held his cold pale hands. They knew it was too late to say anything about their affection for each other, but still. They locked gaze, wishing that day wouldn’t last.

“Amanda,” Zack uttered her name. Their hands were now intertwined. “Could you visit me again at 4:30 tomorrow? I have something to tell you…”

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After school, Amanda went to the bus station excited, she can’t even think of anything but only Zack’s gorgeous face running her mind. Due to that excitement she couldn’t even wear a good attire, only wearing shirt and jeans. She knew he loved her as much as she loved him.

She ran through the hospital hallway and went inside to Zack’s room. As she turned the doorknob to step inside, she noticed there was the absence of Zack. Confusions filled her brain and she was scared of what was happening. Where could Zack be? She roamed around the room and noticed a small note placed above the bedside table. She got the note and read it: “ROOFTOP”.

As she placed the note into her pocket, she immediately ran to the rooftop. She didn’t care if there were a lot of people looking at her as she passed by them, or how many nurses scolded her to only walk.

After Amanda pushed the door in going through the rooftop, the wind was so strong; she could feel the chilly air against her body giving her the goosebumps. She walked and wandered at the rooftop until she caught Zack was walking, a crutch supported him.

“Zack!” Amanda called out loudly and ran towards him.

“Amanda. You came… I knew you really don’t break promises.” Amanda saw Zack with a cheery face.

“Why are you here? And… what’s with that outfit?” Amanda asked, looking puzzled. She noticed Zack wearing tuxedo with blue tie.

“Come…” Zack made a playful grin and offered his hand to her.

Amanda looked at Zack walking with a crutch going towards a cassette, she wanted to help him but she wants him only to walk by himself so that he could manage it well. As Zack pushed the PLAY button, a classical music filled the cold atmosphere. He turned towards Amanda and gestured his hand telling her to come closer.

“What’s this all about, Zack? I’m not even sure this is allowed, you know.” Amanda said. As she went closer to Zack, she smelled a sweet scent of perfume coming from him. Zack held out a bouquet of flowers and handed them to Amanda.

“Flowers for you… Don’t worry… someone helped me but I won’t tell who that is…” Zack said with a playful laugh. Amanda held the roses and smelled them. The good fragrance of the roses tickled her nose. She liked receiving flowers; especially from someone like Zack.

“Thank you very much.” Said Amanda politely and placed the roses on a wooden bench. When they were both closer to each other, Zack bowed down. There Amanda knew Zack wanted to dance with her.

Zack held Amanda’s right arm up higher so that Amanda could twirl around and curtsied. They were both embarrassed but Zack had the courage to pull her closer even more, that both of them felt the warmness to each other. Amanda placed her hands up to Zack’s neck, both hands resting at his shoulders. He ran his fingers through her blonde hair and caressed it. Amanda looked at Zack’s stunning green eyes and wished this dance would last forever.

Unexpectedly, Zack bent down to her ears, saying those three words that she had been waiting to hear from from him.

“I love you, Amanda…“ Zack whispered softly. Amanda couldn’t believe it.Those words were slowly swaying in her brain. She flushed pink and didn’t know what to do.

“What’s wrong, Amanda?” Zack asked and looked at Amanda with concerned eyes.

“N-Nothing!” Amanda exclaimed nervously. Zack smiled at her and pulled her closer that they could feel each other’s warm breathing. Amanda knew she could also speak to Zack about her feelings towards him but it’s like no words came out from her mouth.

“Z-Zack… I… I---“before Amanda could finish her crooked sentence, Zack interrupted her.

“Shhh… I know what you’re going to say… I always knew that… I knew you do love me.” Zack spoke softly, still carrying his beautiful smile. Amanda smiled back at Zack and laughed at his silly words and buried her face into Zack’s chest. After a few seconds, Amanda felt Zack’s left foot shaking, it was numb. She knew he needed to take a seat.

“No, I don’t want to. I still want to dance with you…” Zack said pulling Amanda closer to him. Aww, this was sweet After a few seconds, Zack loosened their hug and faced Amanda. He stroked her cheeks and there, he kissed her gently, feeling her warm and sweet lips against his. He then kissed her again, this time it was a passionate kiss. Zack then stopped and looked at Amanda smiling sweetly at him, her cheeks turning to red. They knew that they shared their first kiss with each other. They embraced each other’s warm body together again.

His hands surrounded Amanda’s back. Amanda felt Zack’s body cold and tried to rub her hands against his back shoulders. She could even feel the weight of Zack against her already.

“Zack… we need to get inside now… You know this is bad for you. We should get inside. Do you want to die here?!” I said jokingly.

“If it’s my time… so be it. This would be my last dance… I have you here beside me… I could never ask for anything now. …” Amanda heard Zack’s happy laugh. She was happy that at least even without the high school dance; she experienced the most memorable dance in her whole life and realized that this day is not something to forget about. She didn’t notice her tears falling down again. She was happy that she brought happiness to Zack.

“I love you, Amanda…. Don’t ever forget it.” Zack said weakly.

Amanda felt Zack’s breathing getting hard and felt his weight even more. Then rain started pouring down, soaking both of them.

“Zack… Zack? You’re heavy… C’mon… let’s go… It’s raining.” Amanda chuckled nervously. She knew Zack could still hear her? Can he?

“Zack... Why are you doing these to me? Don’t leave me like this!” she couldn’t stop crying. She beat Zack hardly at his back but still no response. She was still hugging him and sensed Zack’s hand getting lighter and colder. She knew right then… it was his time. She embraced his deceased cold body. Amanda cried out loud, didn't even cared if someone saw them hugging under the rain. This was really sad!

“Zack… please… I love you…” Amanda uttered those words but she knew no reply can be heard now.

Overall
I thought that this was really good! Sad, but good!
Although, I noticed that you tend to get your tenses mixed up! If you're writing in the past tense, make sure you write did instead of doing, was instead of is e.t.c. I'm not sure if there is, but there's bound to be a thread here on YWS to help you with tenses! If not, try and google it.

You also sometimes use commas in the wrong places. Sometimes, your sentences can be a bit too long because of all the commas! All you need to do is replace some of the comma's with periods and semi colons.

Except for these nit-picks though, I really was glad I read this. You wrote it effectively and I could sense the characters emotions throughout the story! You described their feelings and their surroundings very well! Your spelling was also perfect.

If you want another review form me, just post and ask me in my Will Review For Food thread! The link's in my signature as well, by the way.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

“Have you ever heard yet about the upcoming high school [Sounds very wordy and formal. It would be more natural to just say the dance and your reader would understand what you meant.] dance this Saturday, Amanda? And did someone already asked youout to be their date on that particular day? [If she's impatient, she should say less. Also, we can follow your colloquial speech so there isn't a need to write it out in full.]” questioned Veronica impatiently, as she sat down beside her so-called friend Amanda, carried her lunch tray with both hands and placed it on the table with a bang, that made Amanda jump a little from her chair.

“Yeah… I know about it…. Some boys had have asked me, for that... but I just… [color=red][No need for these ellipses!] simply refused them.” said Amanda with a tired smile, without enthusiasm to uplift more on the subject. She was asked, for like a million times, from Veronica about the high school dance. She knew it was just a way of bragging her because Veronica, after asking for like ten times a day, finally had the chance to dance with her since-fifth-grade crush, Erick, who was just a typical football player and she'd been to every all of his games.

“Why would you refuse them? I mean there'sare like a gym full of boys here, asking for you to be their date and… you’re dumping them like atrash.” Exclaimed Veronica then took a bite from her sandwich.

Good dialogue, just needs cleaning up a bit.

“Veronica, I’m tired and don’t want to talk about it. Plus, those guys asking me out…? They are just not simply my type.” Amanda explained then stood up, fed-up of talking to Veronica.

“Like I said I’m tired… I want to be alone.” Without saying goodbye, Amanda directly went away from Veronica. She hated sometimes how Veronica talks to her like a mother. talked to her, like a mother. [I'm not sure that this fits as she doesn't seem to be acting very motherly to me. More like an obnoxious teenage girl.]

Zack had been suffering from an incurable cancer disease called “Leukemia”. She knew he wouldn’t live long but she wantsed to have the best days with him while he’s he was still around her.

“Good…” Amanda replied, she bent down and kissed Zack’s forehead. She knew Zack looked helpless and weak but she knew his faith could reach up to the sky. Amanda sat on a chair beside the bed. She held out her right hand and stroked Zack’s bald head. Amanda tried not to cry but tears went down against rosy cheeks. She wished this had never happened to both of them.

“Please don’t cry… You’ll look ugly.” Zack gave out a small laugh and offered his hand to wiped away Amanda’s tears. He knew she was the girl of his dreams. He wanted to be with her. She was his best friend since their parents dropped them to at pre-school and she was his first crush. He did everything just to make her happy but he knew Amanda’s tears occurred because of him.

Hmmm. I think you should maybe slow your story down and make the love less soppy and obvious. It's very sweet but it also feels over the top, you need to tone it down a little and show us more through their actions instead of words and thoughts. When they reach out to touch each other, describe the feel of their skin tingling or describe the way she smells to him or how she smiles or how her eyes look like frosted glass when she cries. Something that would be personal to just the two of them.

“So…um… had has anyone been asking you out lately to be their date for the high school asked you to the dance?” Zack smiled at Amanda playfully. He knew there were many boys asking her to be their date. He knew Amanda was really beautiful and smart and he doesn’t didn't want anyone to hurt her.

Not sure what you're saying here, how would asking someone to the dance be hurting them?

“ ’Cause it would only remind me of those annoying boys asking me for like 20 twenty times to be their date… No thanks.” Amanda stuck her tongue out and laughed.

“Honestly, if I could just get the chance… I would ask youout to be my date. [Quite often less is letter. It makes your lines more dramatic.]” Zack confessed, looked at her seriously, but still there was a slight smile on his face.

Amanda couldn’t believeofwhat she just heard from him. She looked at Zack with a surprised face.

You've made it too obvious though. The way he talks it would be only too clear that he loves her. You'd need to made him less forward to pull this off.

“Zack… It’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrass[color=red]ed about.” Amanda looked at Zack with a sincere face and held his cold pale hands. They knew it was too late to say anything about their affection to each other but still, they locked gazes, wishing that day wouldn’t last.

Good paragraph

After school, Amanda went to the bus station excited, she can’t even couldn't think of anythingbut only beyond Zack’s gorgeous face running her mind. Due to that excitement she couldn’t even wear a good attire, only wearing shirt and jeans. [I don't like this sentence. It would be more likely for her to dress really nicely or if you don't want that, you'll have to take more time to describe how she absently grabs the nearest clothes.] She knew he loved her as much as she loved him.

She run ran through the hospital hallway and went inside to Zack’s room. As she turned the doorknob to step inside, she noticed there was the absence of Zack. Confusions filled her brain and she was scared of what was happening. Where could Zack be? She roamed around the room and noticed a small note placed above the bedside table. She got the note and read it: “ROOFTOP”.

After Amanda pushed the door in going through the rooftop, the wind was so strong; she could feel the chilly air against her body giving her the Goosebumps. She walked and wandered at the rooftop until shecaught saw that Zack was walking, a crutch supporteding him.

“Zack!” Amanda called out loudly and run towards ran toward him.

“Amanda. You came… I knew you really don’t break promises.” [This seems to be words for the sake of the audience. We don't need to be told that she doesn't break promises and it doesn't seem an appropriate thing to say.] Amanda saw Zack with a cheery face.

“Why are you here? And… what’s with that outfit?” Amanda asked, looking puzzled. She noticed Zack was wearing a tuxedo with a blue tie.

Amanda [a]looked at Zack walking with a crutch going towards a cassette,[/s] watched as Zack hobbled toward a cassette player, she wanted to help him but she wants him only also wanted him to walk by himself so that he could manage it well. [Maybe a better reason would be so that he could feel strong?] As Zack pushed the PLAY play button, a classical music filled the cold atmosphere. He turned towards Amanda and gestured his hand telling her to come closer.

“Flowers for you… Don’t worry… someone helped me but I won’t tell who that is it was…” Zack said with a playful laugh. Amanda held the roses and smelledit them. The good fragrance of the roses tickled her nose. She liked receiving flowers especially from someone like Zack.

Zack held Amanda’s right arm up higher so that Amanda could twirl around and curtsied. They were both embarrassed but Zack had the courage to pull her closer even more,that and both of them felt the warmness to warmth of each other. Amanda placed her hands up to at Zack’s neck, both hands resting at on his shoulders. He ran his fingers through her blonde hair and caressed ut it. Amanda looked at Zack’s stunning green eyes and wished this dance won’t last wouldn't end.

“Shhh… I know what you’re going to say… I always knew that… I knew you do love me.” Zack spoke softly, still carrying his beautiful smile. Amanda smiled back at Zack and laughed at his silly words and buried her face at in Zack’s chest. After few seconds, Amanda felt Zack’s left feet foot shaking, it was numb. She knew he needed to take a sit seat.

His hands surrounded Amanda’s back. Amanda felt Zack’s body cold and tried to rub her hands against his back shoulders. She could even feel the weight of Zack against her already.

“Zack… we need to get inside now… You know this is bad for you. We should get inside. Do you want to die here?!” I Amanda said jokingly.

“Zack... Why are you doing these this to me? Don’t leave me like this!” she couldn’t stop crying. She beat Zack hardly at his back but still no response. She was still hugging him and sensed Zack’s hand getting lighter and colder. She knew right then… it was his time. She embraced his deceased cold body. Amanda cried out loud, and didn't even cared if someone saw them hugging under the rain.

[“Zack… please… I love you…” Amanda uttered those words but she knew no replycolor=red]can could[/color] be heard now.

Good final line. I think you've got some nice writing here but like I mentioned earlier, try not to be quite so dramatic. Sometimes the most tragic, sweetest moments are something simple and if you capture the scene well it will make it more powerful. Describe the feel of the rain when it starts to land softly and how it picks up pace, describe the view from the roof and the fading sun, the evening light. Maybe add some more casual dialogue so we get a stronger feel for their characters but other than that, good work.

Heather xx

Hi yuriiko! This is the first thing I've read of yours, and actually, the first review that I've done in months. I used to be on the site multiple times a day, but then college caught up to me and so I've been lurking in and out for the last couple of years. You'll have to forgive me if the review seems rusty - it is.

My main complaint about your story is this: I think it reads differently to you than it actually appears on the page. I feel like I understand what you're trying to say here, and the emotion you're trying to convey, but that it doesn't ever manifest in the story itself.

Here's why:

1) Dialogue

I'm a huge dialogue freak. I really believe that even if the rest of the book is terrible in terms of plot, pacing, and description, that it can be at least partially redeemed by superb dialogue. Know why? Because the characters are speaking for themselves. That's really key. Nobody wants to hear what the author thinks is going on inside characters' heads, or what the author heard the characters say. We want to hear what really is going on inside their heads, and what they really did say!

So my advice to you is, punctuation aside, read your dialogue aloud to yourself. I know that can be difficult to do, so if you can't manage to actually read it out loud, at least slow down when you read over it in your head, and ask yourself: "Do people actually talk like this? Is this something I would say, or someone I know would say?"

Here are a couple of examples of what I mean:

“Have you heard yet about the upcoming high school dance, Amanda? And did someone already asked you?”

I get that you're trying to set the scene here - they're in high school, there's a dance coming, who's going with who, who's not going at all, the main character's name is Amanda. Check. I know it seems great that you got that all into the first line, but you're not as sneaky as you think you are. You don't have to be in such a hurry. People are naturally pretty nosey. We like to eavesdrop. So instead of info-dumping, let us listen in on Amanda and Veronica's conversation for a little while. No rush!

Finally, think about the way Veronica is phrasing her question. Make her sound normal. I don't know anybody that plops down at lunch and inquires about "the upcoming high school dance." If she said, "Amanda -- who are you going with on Saturday?" and Amanda sighs and replies, "No one, Veronica. I already told you -- I'm not going to the dance." then we have both characters' names, know there's a school dance coming up, and that Amanda doesn't want to have anything to do with it.

Another example from the initial paragraphs:

“Yeah… I know about it…. Some boys have asked me but I just… simply refused them.”

I don't know anybody who talks like this. She just simply refused them? Redundancy aside, I'm pretty sure this isn't happening inside a home in the English countryside, a la Jane Austen. ("No, Veronica! I simply cannot allow myself to be the company of such a man. I have refused his advances each time, and I shall not fall prey to his charms on this occasion!")

What if they went back and forth a little bit? i.e.
"I said no," Amanda said.
"To who?" Veronica asked.
"All of them."
"What?"
Amanda sighed. "They're not my type, okay?"
"I heard Kyle asked you."
"I said no."
"Mike?"
Amanda shook her head.
"Jake? Evan? Peter? You said no to all of them? Are you crazy?"

You don't have to sum up what they're saying in two lines or fewer. Let your characters talk to each other!

2) Pacing

I sort of mentioned this above, but slow down. I think you know exactly how you want the story to play out, and can see it all happening in big, beautiful Technicolor inside your head... but I can't. So slow down. Show me the places that Amanda and Veronica and Zack are, let me listen in on their conversations, give me time to feel what they're feeling.

3) Originality

I'm pretty sure as soon as you told us that Zack had leukemia and was in the hospital, that everybody knew he was, one way or another, going to be Amanda's date for the dance, and he was going to die shortly thereafter (after all, the story is called The Last Dance). So I'm not telling you to trash the storyline, but you've got to add in some spice. There's no mystery or excitement when you know exactly how the story is going to unfold. Plus, if you read it over with a bit more of a cynical eye, I hope you'll see that it's a little twisted that Amanda basically danced Zack to death. I don't think that's what you were going for, and I have a feeling you've got more up your sleeve in terms of potential than what you've offered right here.

4) Grammar/Punctuation/Tenses/General Functionality of the Language

It's been beat to death already, but that's because it has to be. No matter how brilliant your story is, how dynamic your characters, how genius your ideas - your writing must be functional. I understand that we all have plenty to learn. I got started writing seriously when I was about your age, and if incorrectly punctuating dialogue was a crime, I'd be in federal prison right now. I've been practicing and reading up on it, though, for the last five years or so, and I've improved. So take all this as a learning experience! Really take the time to read over your work and fix these things before you post it. If you can fix most of the grammar issues yourself, then that really leaves your reviewers free to give you suggestions about the story itself, instead of making sure you have complete sentences.

Good luck (and glad to have you aboard at YWS)! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.

- Areida

Thank you guys for the helpful reviews!

This story brought me to tears.

Don't know what to say that already hasent been said. Your writting is 100x better than your grammar, but that's cool cuz everyone's had trouble with grammar at one point, just takes practice. Just look at me, I'm wanted in 51 states by the grammar police ...and yeh, 51 states.