Young Writers Society

Anzhela, Bibiana and Derrel were still laughing, as if someone just told them, [lose comma] the best joke ever. I felt hurt. Lucas still wasn’t laughing, [put a ; instead] it looked [“seemed” is a better word] like he wasn’t enjoying this situation like [the] others did. I felt weak, betrayed, defeated. I was crying my heart of [out], screaming as hard as I could. I was trying to get the pain out of my body. I wanted [“tried”] to get out of [“wriggle myself out of” is better here] Lucas’s hard grip, I wanted to hurt all of them badly for what they did to me, but I couldn’t.

“Oh look, who feels hurt here.[“?” instead] Are you not having fun?” Anzhela appeared in front of me,[“:” instead] she was smiling [“smirking” makes more sense]. She was enjoying hurting me, as were the others.

“Such pity, we thought you might like this.” Derrel whispered into my ear.
I lost all hope. I stopped screaming, and kicking, [“.” instead] I knew it wasn’t helping, but I couldn’t stop crying. It was as if my heart [you mean “eyes”, otherwise it doesn’t make sense] had a mind of its own.

“Don’t worry, [“:” instead] it won’t be long, [lose comma] until you won’t feel anything.” Bibiana said.
They were all looking [“staring”] at me. Their smiles were making me sick. How can anyone behave like them? How can someone kill, and then laugh at it? Do they not have hearts? Don’t they feel the sorrow, the pain?

“Hmmm…I liked the talk we had here, dear Zoey, but we have to get the work done. It’s time…” Anzhela spoke up [lose “up” and replace with a comma] adding a devilish laugh at the end which the others echoed, [“.”] a[A]gain Lucas was quiet, holding my hands behind my back in a strong grip [not needed, you mentioned this before], preventing me from escaping (it’s not like, I could actually outrun them).

“Bibiana love, please, let’s take it outside.” She [Replace “she” with “Anzhela”] turned to Bibiana, the side of her mouth pulling up.

Anzhela waved at Lucas and he [quickly] let go of my hands. Should I run? Would I have any chance of escaping from them?

Suddenly Bibiana appeared in front of me [“.” instead] (
[Don’t put too many brackets in, it looks tacky. Try “ Suddenly Bibiana appeared in front of me. Their inhuman speed was something I could never get used to.”]
I’ve seen their unhuman speed a lot of times today, but I can never get used to it).
She pushed me hard, sending me flying across the room, and the out of the closed window.

I fell onto the wet, hard, moshi grass,[lose comma] in our back yard. I had [“felt” is better] pieces of glass stock [lose “stock”] in my skin. I felt the worm [“warm” you meant] blood going down my hand, face, leg…etc. [Never, EVER use etc! Get rid of it!] Are they going to kill me like this? Slowly[“,”] so that I’ll be their entertainment?

They were all standing about a metre away from me, talking. I noticed that there was a black liquid on the blade of the sword.

“Excessum…Excessum…Excessum…” Anzhela, Bibiana and Derrel were repeating again[“,”] moving towards me. Lucas was again the only odd one out. He was starring into the black forest, motionlessly. I don’t know why, but I always somehow noticed what he was doing. Now I saw how [ replace “saw how” with “was noticing how”] he looked. He was tall, muscled [replace “tall, musculed” with “tall and muscular”]. Dark brown hair and [“deep”] black eyes. He was dressed all [replace “all” with “completely”] in black. [Lucas was] T[t]he kind of bad boy you would want to get to know. He was exactly the kind of boy, [lose comma] girls go crazy after. [“, and he”] He looked around my age. I pushed these thoughts, [lose comma] into the back of my mind. I can’t think about boys while I’m being murdered.

Now all three of them were standing right above me, repeating ‘Excessum’ in a steady beat. Anzhela brought the sword above her head, the same as she did, [lose comma] while killing my adoptive parents, and then with a quick movement, she stabbed me into the side of my stomach, [put a “.” here instead, and capitalise the “not”] not into my heart like she did to my adoptive parents, [put a “:” here instead] did she want me to die slow, after all?

I screamed. Blood poured out of the hole she made with the sword into my stomach. Why can’t they just end it quick? Why do they have to torture me like this. [“?” instead] Now I only wish to die, [add a “:” here instead] only death can take this horrible pain away. These dark creatures just broke me [“have broken me”]. They did the worst things to me in just one night. [Akward phrasing- lose the whole sentence] What else is there. [ put a “?” here instead] Why can’t I just close my eyes forever?

Through the hypnotizing [not the right word, try “searing” instead] pain, I heard what Anzhela was saying to Lucas.
“Lucas, stay here until she dies. The death venom should kill her in a couple of hours, [“:” here instead] then get rid of her body, [“.” here instead and capitalise the “we’ll”] we’ll set this farm on fire, no one’s going to notice it for a really long time.” After she said it I heard her and Bianca [you mean “Bibiana”] leave.

I don’t know how, but somehow I stood up, even in the worst pain that you can imagine. I started to walk [“stumble” sounds better] towards the forest, [“.” here instead] I don’t know why, but something was telling me to do that. I heard Lucas walking behind me, [but] he wasn’t using his unhuman [it’s “inhuman”] speed.

I collapsed somewhere beside the first trees of the forest. I remembered that Anzhela said that I’m [“I was”] going to die in a couple of hours. Why couldn’t they just let me at least die peacefully? I laid under a tree[“,”] which was protecting me from the rain. I started humming,[“:”] it was a lullaby that my adoptive mother used to sing to me when I was little.
I heard Lucas kneeling beside me. What did he want? [replace the “?” with “: to” and un-capitalise the “enjoy”] Enjoy my misery?

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I failed to protect you. I have to change you, or you’ll die.” I didn’t get[“understand” is a better word] what he was saying.

I stopped humming. I looked at his face[“,”] which was covered with rain and tears. Tears? He was crying. I saw the sorrow, angriness and sadness in his deep[“,”] black eyes.

“You’ll know everything when you’ll wake up,[“.”] I’ll leave all you’ll need here.[“,”, and un-capitalise the “he”]” He said. Suddenly I felt his teeth, (to be accurate fangs) on my neck and after that I only remember darkness. [Awkward phrasing: try “Suddenly I felt his sharp fangs pierce my neck, and after that, I only remember darkness.”]

Red = Negative

Blue = Positive

Bold = My comments

In The Dark – Chapter 5

Anzhela, Bibiana and Derrel were still laughing, as if someone just told them, the best joke ever. I felt was might sound better here? hurt. Lucas still wasn’t laughing, it looked like he wasn’t enjoying this situation like others did. I felt weak, betrayed, defeated. I was crying my heart ofof doesn't really sound right here. Try out instead., screaming as hard as I could. I was trying to get the pain out of my body. I wanted to get out of Lucas’s hard grip, I wanted to hurt all of them badly for what they did to me, but I couldn’t.

“Oh look, who feels hurt here. Are you not having fun?” Anzhela appeared in front of me, she was smiling. She was enjoying hurting me, as were the others. Okay, you've said that they were enjoying seeing the MC hurt plenty of times! You don't really need to repeat it as much as you have.

“Such pity, we thought you might like this.” Derrel whispered into my ear.
I lost all hope. I stopped screaming, and kicking,. I knew it wasn’t helping, but I couldn’t stop crying. It was as if my heart had a mind of its own. I liked this line

“Don’t worry, it won’t be long, until you won’t feel anything.” Bibiana said.
They were all looking at me., their smiles were making me sick. How can anyone behave like them? How can someone kill, and then laugh at it? Do they not have hearts? Don’t they feel the sorrow, the pain? You change tenses here! Use the word could and didn't instead of don't and can. Although, I did like content of sentence!

“Hmmm…I liked the talk we had here, dear Zoey, but we have to get the work done. It’s time…” Anzhela spoke up adding a devilish laugh at the end which the others echoed,. Again Lucas was quiet, holding my hands behind my back in a strong grip, preventing me from escaping (it’s not like, I could actually outrun them). I don't really like brackets in a story. Although, that's just my opinion really.

“Bibiana love, please, let’s take it outside.” She turned to Bibiana, the side of her mouth pulling up.

Anzhela waved at Lucas and he let go of my hands. Should I run? Would I have any chance of escaping from them?

Suddenly Bibiana appeared in front of me (I’ve seen their unhuman speed a lot of times today, but I can never get used to it). She pushed me hard, sending me flying across the room, and the out of the closed window.

I fell onto the wet, hard, moshi grass, in our back yard. I had pieces of glass stock in my skin. I felt the worm blood going down my hand, face, leg…etc.Don't use e.t.c in your story, it doesn't look very good. Are they going to kill me like this? Slowly so that I’ll be their entertainment?

They were all standing about a metre away from me, talking. I noticed that there was a black liquid on the blade of the sword.

“Excessum…Excessum…Excessum…” Anzhela, Bibiana and Derrel were repeating again moving towards me. Lucas was again the only odd one out. He was starring into the black forest, motionlessly. I don’t know why, but I always somehow noticed what he was doing. Now I saw how he looked. He was tall, muscled. Dark brown hair and black eyes. He was dressed all in black. The kind of bad boy you would want to get to know. He was exactly the kind of boy, girls go crazy after. He looked around my age. I pushed these thoughts, into the back of my mind. I can’t think about boys while I’m being murdered. I found this quite funny.

Now all three of them were standing right above me, repeating ‘Excessum’ in a steady beat. Anzhela brought the sword above her head, the same as she did, while killing my adoptive parents,. and Then with a quick movement, she stabbed me into the side of my stomach,. Not into my heart like she did to my adoptive parents, did she want me to die slowly, after all?

I screamed. Blood poured out of the whole she made with the sword into my stomach. Why can’t they just end it quickly? Why do they have to torture me like this. Now I only wish to die, only death can take this horrible pain away. These dark creatures just broke me. They did the worst things to me in just one night. What else is there. Why can’t I just close my eyes forever?

Through the hypnotizing pain, I heard what Anzhela was saying to Lucas.
“Lucas, stay here until she dies.The death venom should kill her in a couple of hours, then get rid of her body,. We’ll set this farm on fire, no one’s going to notice it for a really long time.” After she said it I heard her and Bianca leave.

I don’t know how, but somehow I stood up, even in the worst pain that you can imagine. I started to walk towards the forest, I don’t know why, but something was telling me to do that. I heard Lucas walking behind me, he wasn’t using his unhuman speed.

I collapsed somewhere beside the first group of trees in the forest. I remembered that Anzhela said that I’m going to die in a couple of hours. Why couldn’t they just let me at least die peacefully? I laid under a tree which was protecting me from the rain. I started humming, it was a lullaby that my adoptive mother used to sing to me when I was little.
I heard Lucas kneeling beside me. What did he want? Enjoy my misery?

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I failed to protect you. I have to change you, or you’ll die.” I didn’t get understand what he was saying.

I stopped humming. I looked at his face which was covered with rain and tears. Tears? He was crying. I saw the sorrow, angrinesser and sadness in his deep black eyes.

“You’ll know everything when you’ll wake up, I’ll leave all you’ll need here.” He said. Suddenly I felt his teeth, (to be accurate fangs) on my neck and after that I only remember darkness.

Through the hypnotizing pain, I heard what Anzhela was saying to Lucas.
“Lucas, stay here until she dies.The death venom should kill her in a couple of hours, then get rid of her body,. We’ll set this farm on fire, no one’s going to notice it for a really long time.” After she said it I heard her and Bianca leave.

I can’t think about boys while I’m being murdered.