Young Writers Society

deleted

Hey

Thanks for posting this in my WRFF thread. I'm glad you did! I'll upload an attachment to this of my review/edit.

Although, I have the most recent Microsoft Word. Your computer may not be compatible to view the file. If you can't view it, I'll just tell you through a review here.

xoxo Skins

I'll get along to this right away.

Yo, Skins,
thank you for the nitpicking, although half the times it touches upon style issues which can be interpreted in various ways, but! - the thorough documenting of your reactions at crucial moments of the story, that, in the end, is the most valuable type of feedback! Thank you very much indeed.

Krupp, thanx for considering it, but be warned,it's an experiment in naivism

I must say this is one of your more adventurous works. When I say that I mean obviously, it's romantic beyond just being a boy and girl in love; the idealization of being free in a world with no real rules except for the ones only you make is a dream world that we all have created in the back of our minds when we were young.

That is in fact what makes this one of your more interesting works too. The innocence of both Tim and Olga is what is enjoyable to follow. I must admit my favorite scenes are when Hans, Phil and Tim are all hanging out, merely because the humor there reminds me of myself many years ago, back when I was that young. And that's the best part of this whole thing, man. You make me want to drift back into the world of general youth, where you can be safe in the knowledge that you don't truly understand how problematic the real world is.

In other words, great work, as always. I'm only curious in asking this, so please don't take offense, but was this intended to be a children's novella of sorts? I am in a class for Children's Literature right now and I've been reading a ton of kids books and the style here reminds me of a lot of books I've read, including a book called Frindle written by Andrew Clements.

Yo Krupp,
thanx for the kind words man. This was indeed intended as an attempt at writing a kid's story. I was beginning to fear that the trauma of adulthood would not allow me to feel and recreate that 'general youth' feeling as you put it. I must say I feel very validated after your comments. And Skins before you. If a teen and an adult both recognize this as a kid's book, then a victory of sorts has been achieved. I'm not totally confined to cynical postmodernism and juvenile adventure as a storyteller

I used MS track changes on it.

Honestly I don't share Krupp's opinion. Yes, I like the whole it's a world without rules idea, the whole we're in love in our own world thing.

But the voice was lacking all throughout the piece. There was no tension in it either. It was all easy-going. You need a plot, at the very least - you've only shown us a premise so far. There's no tension, no conflict no nothing. I don't feel compelled to read on because the MC is already happy and satisfied and he doesn't appear to have a goal.

Tim is also underdeveloped although Olga is pretty okay. Try to fix some bits of dialogue in there too. There were times it sounded forced.

But then maybe this is because the chapters I read were 7 and 8.

This review is made from 100% opinion. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Hi Kara,
thanx for the feedback, very appreciated. Yes, it's difficult to judge plot and character based only on the two remaining chapters. I don't know why I leave small pieces like that. Maybe deep down I think it's bad manners to display something and then totally delete it Anyway, thanx again. I shain't be touching this piece in the near future, but the moment I'm done with something new I will indeed PM you

Dream Romance Review

Grammar:

, king Godfred

This was the only mistake I could find the entire chapter. It should be King Godfred, with a capital "K". Though, that is just me being nit picky. You placed your commars in order (Where they were supposed to be), and didn't over do it with the full stops.

MC (Main Character): I found Tim was a little bit of a rebel, but that is what his personality was to me. I felt as if he was telling the story and not you just playing him like a puppet. As goes with your other characters. They weren't just usless add on's. They actually had a purpose in your story.

Overall:I think this one heck of a good story, and cannot wait to read the others...that is if they aren't out yet. I believe that one day I might even find these chpaters in hardcover and set on a shelf. Great work with this, I really enjoyed it.

Hey Apple, that's a nifty ninja review there - thanx! May the gods of juve lit lend an ear to your good wishing!

Hi,
I read the entire thing. I'm not very nitpicky, so I'm afraid I can't help you there.
Now, to what I can help you with.
By the way, I liked your writing style.

The way Tim thinks, even though it was just like any other teenage boy, was good, too in my mind. His thoughts just aren't very original, and as a main character I think he needs more attraction. Sometimes he thinks something kind of odd - like when his friend is chewing gum, and he thinks that he's inexperienced at it. I didn't find that something an average teenage boy would think. So if you want him to be a bit peculiar, you should press it further, but I say you should find some sort of frame for him, because the current one is too simple - in my eyes, that is.

The history teacher's character was interesting - I think you should expand Tim's thoughts of him. I mean, everyone is fascinated, and Tim is very nonchalant about it, like he doesn't care. He could think it's stupid, or wonder why he's the only one not effected, for example.

I liked the friend characters a lot. The smoking and gum part seemed very realistic, by the way, so good job on that one.

I thought the dessert scene was great (I loved the way you wrote it!)... except that the gremlins part completely freaked me out. It was a bit too creepy for me. I also thought you should add something about why Tim wasn't freaking out because of the gremlins or the place, have him think 'it's just a dream' or something, so his reactions would make more sense.

The plot is odd to me. You could do so much with it. For one, have him meet a real life girl, and then work things out with the girl in his mind. Or if you're taking this in the fantasy direction, the gremlins and the girl could be real - double trouble for Tim. There are a lot of options. So play with it. You're the writer.

I hope this helped,
Ofir

Hey Ofir, thanx for the constructive feedback. I definitely have to add more 'it's just a dream' stuff! I'm not sure about inflating the plot though, it was conceived as a short novella. I'll feel odd adding subplots and character developement on this one. Maybe another time