Young Writers Society

This is for the 'Extra Read All About It' contest. I know this might seem lame, but wait until the ending to judge. It has a surprise ending.

Wolf Wars.


Wolf Wars (temp. title)

Under the green of the trees, and above the brown of their roots, a small pack ran, hoping to reach their destinations by sundown. Things hadn’t been good for them recently. The dominating species had run them out of their homes, and taken everything they had, including those who could not survive against them.
But about twenty stood tall. They weren’t going to let the enemy bring them down. They might have lost everything they had, and there was no end to the as-old-as-time battle for land that they were fighting in. But who was wrong? Who was the enemy? Not one side could tell. It was like any war. Both sides thought that they are right, and that they would win.
They ran in a circle, all perfectly positioned, for they had practiced the run many times. Nothing was going to come an angle since they had them all covered. It was the perfect way to ensure their safety. Because when you’re the underdog, safety is all you can count on… until you have the perfect time to strike, of course. This was why the pack was meeting.
When they reached Settlers Peak, they took a hard left. A few more feet, and their bare toes wouldn’t be crunching on leaves and dried dirt, but would be splashing in water. After they crossed Miner’s stream, ten more feet to their immediate right, and Revenger’s Cave would be right in front of their eyes. They could already see it. They were safe. Home.
Stupidly, they all let out a loud cheer. Their mission had been dubbed ‘impossible,’ but they had done it. The small pack of five had taken back land that the head of the survivors had not thought possible: California Valley.
Joe, a small teenage boy with a big heart, ran into the cave first. He saw his leader sitting up on a high root eating a handful of berries and shouted, “We did it Sir!”
The leader jumped her small body to the floor. She had a baby-blue blanket tied around her neck to resemble a cape. Her sparkling blue eyes and small freckles would have been cute in earlier times, but this was 2020, the year of the wolves.
“Well, well, Captain Joe. You have definitely proved yourself. Where’s your pack?” Since the wolves took over, humans thought it respectable to refer to themselves as packs; as animals.
“They’re outside celebrating!” he laughed.
“I hope they’re not making too much noise… you know what too much noise can bring.”
“Predators, I know. But they’re just too doggone excited!”
She pursed her cute red lips together. “We can celebrate in here. Bring them in. I shall reward you with food.”
“Ah, food, Sir? We have gone too long without food.”
Joe walked out of the cave to retrieve his men, but they wouldn’t move when he told them too. They were all staring off into the distance. Joe pushed them aside to see what they were staring at.
“Oh my God. Sir! I think you should see this!” he shouted to back inside the fortress.
Sir walked outside and almost fell to her knees at the sight of the creature. A few feet before her, a young girl was walking up. She was not as young as Sir, probably three or four years older; a teenager. Sir was amazed. She was the only girl living in a cave full of men. Though she was the leader, she wasn’t going to tell them when to bathe or clean their clothes. She was disgusted every minute of the day in that cave.
“My my, it’s a girl!” Joe said, falling to his knees as Sir did.
“And a pretty girl at that!” a young man named Christopher said.
“Hush! You might scare her!” Sir hissed. She stood as the girl reached her. She was even more beautiful close up. Her long blonde hair had remained clean even though she was… wherever she was. And her skin! She had no makeup – because there was no makeup – but her skin was as clean and white as porcelain. It was magnificent… it was beautiful. Though Sir was cute, it had been a long time since the boys had seen someone beautiful.
“Um, hello,” the girl said shyly, pulling a hair back behind her ear as she spoke.
“Welcome! Have other packs heard of us? Are we famous? You know we took over the California Valley all by ourselves! And we are pretty big. Where were you before you came here? Were there other people-“ Sir stopped rambling when she noticed that all her boys were staring at her.
“Oh, uh…” she looked behind her then turned back again. “I have actually been alone this whole time.”
Everyone’s jaws gaped, but the girl just shrugged.
“On your own?” Joe was awestruck.
“Yeah… I lived, uh, in the trees!” She smiled. If it was any other person, the pack might have thought her suspicious. But… it was her.
“She’s our angel, sent from God to help us!” one boy whispered to the next, until it came around to Sir.
“Angel?” She squeaked. “You all are so dumb. Please, um…”
Sir looked at the girl blankly. After a few moments of awkward silence, the girl chirped, “Oh! I’m uh…”
What do I do? the strange girl thought to herself, I can’t call myself Wolf, that’d be too suspicious… uh… What did they say my brother’s name was?
“My name is Aiden!” She could almost feel a bead of sweat rolling down her cheek.
“Aiden? Isn’t that a boy’s name?” Darwin, a ten-year-old, said, narrowing his eyes using his black eyebrows.
“Uh, yeah! But… my mother was a feminist.” Everyone stared at her, no expression on their faces. They had no idea what ‘feminist’ meant. “She didn’t like to, uh, conform to traditional gender roles?”
Sir shrugged, still not sure what Aiden had just sad. “Okay. Want to see our fortress?”
“Alright.”

As an avid sci-fi reader, I have to say that the idea behind your story appeals to me - a society overrun by (superhuman? mutated?) wolves, with the humans as the inferior species whose struggle to survive has reduced them to barbarianism. Very compelling.

However, the idea aside, your story is lacking in a few areas.

The first is that it's hard to figure out what's going on. I wasn't sure exactly what the humans were doing, or even that they were humans for awhile, and I had no idea what the significance of the new "girl" was.

Also, your dialogue needs a bit of brushing up. Now, I understand how difficult it can be at times to write plausible-sounding conversation between two characters in a story. Here's my advice: try acting out the dialogue with yourself, or better yet, with a few friends. That way you'll be able to catch any errors, awkwardness, or what I like to refer to as "not-quite-it"s.

Another thing you should keep in mind when writing a story: point of view. Who is telling the story? Even if it is in third-person, generally a story will be told from the perspective of one (or several) characters. So if the story is focusing on this "pack" of people, then the story needs to sounds as if it's being told by the pack. Throwing in random facts or pieces of history in the middle of the narrative both slow down the story and don't fit in realistically. For example, when you mentioned that the girl didn't have makeup - and that makeup didn't even exist: how would the "pack" even know the difference? It's small things like this that remind the reader of the presence of an actual creator behind the story - which is not a good thing, at least while they're inside the story. Your goal is to convince the reader that what's going on in the story is actually going on - and don't worry, readers want to be deceived. It's just hard for them when a story isn't consistent, when it isn't credible, or when the dialogue isn't realistic.

Oh, and spelling errors! While they happen to the best of us, there's no better way to remind a reader of reality than by such glaring, unwanted examples of human fallibility. I'd go back over your story carefully - slowly - and just make sure everything makes sense grammatically.

If you're sincerely trying to improve as a writer, I suggest the following tips: read as much as you can (good stuff - well known authors are generally safe), write constantly, and maybe even do some research online. Google "free writing tips" -- there's an incredible wealth of knowledge out there. Try http://www.writing-world.com/sf/index.shtml: they've taught me a lot.

May you find joy, hope, and peace,

Nibroc

Hello my evil half. Err... equal half.

But about twenty stood tall. They weren’t going to let the enemy bring them down. They might have lost everything they had, and there was no end to the as-old-as-time battle for land that they were fighting in. But who was wrong? Who was the enemy? Not one side could tell. It was like any war. Both sides thought that they are right, and that they would win.

The word "were" would be far better for that sentence. Using "are" only made me read it several times, and it still didn't sound right.

They ran in a circle, all perfectly positioned, for they had practiced the run many times. Nothing was going to come an angle since they had them all covered. It was the perfect way to ensure their safety. Because when you’re the underdog, safety is all you can count on… until you have the perfect time to strike, of course. This was why the pack was meeting.

Please rephrase that. At the moment I have no clue what that is saying.

When they reached Settlers Peak, they took a hard left. A few more feet, and their bare toes wouldn’t be crunching on leaves and dried dirt, but would be splashing in water. After they crossed Miner’s stream, ten more feet to their immediate right, and Revenger’s Cave would be right in front of before their eyes. They could already see it. They were safe. Home.

You already had the word "right" in that sentence, so I suggested a way to omit one. So they could immediately call a cave home? Have the humans really sunk to such a primal level?

Stupidly, they all let out a loud cheer. Their mission had been dubbed ‘impossible,’ but they had done it. The small pack of five had taken back land that the head of the survivors had not thought possible: California Valley.

I don't like your choice of word at all. Maybe something kind of cheesy like, "Dramatically" "Triumphantly" "Ecstatically" "Excitedly" "Happily" "Cheerfully" or since they've been on such a painstaking journey, "Breathlessly" "Graciously". Hallelujah!

Joe, a small teenage boy with a big heart, ran into the cave first. He saw his leader sitting up on a high root eating a handful of berries and shouted, “We did it Sir!”

Oh so now these people knew each other? Hm, if you explained this before than maybe it's my lack of adequate sleep that is affecting my concentration. But if not, than you really should have made it clearer. This could be done by explaining their "mission". So far you just have, "Their mission had been dubbed ‘impossible,’ but they had done it."

The leader jumped her small body to the floor. She had a baby-blue blanket tied around her neck to resemble a cape. Her sparkling blue eyes and small freckles would have been cute in earlier times, but this was 2020, the year of the wolves.

What? That doesn't even make any sense. Did you mean to say that she sprang from the ground? All I got was a vague image of a girl falling to the ground in surprise.

“Aiden? Isn’t that a boy’s name?” Darwin, a ten-year-old, said, narrowing his eyes using his black eyebrows.

That detail sounds comical in an unintentional kind of way. Perhaps you could use something like: "His black eyebrows narrowing." "furrowing his black eyebrows." "his black eyebrows furrowing." I tend to use "furrowing" because "narrowing" is used in just about every literary work.

Closing comments:

I really like the story so far. Your writing style flows nicely. The dialogue is sweet. And you aren't bad with description. Obviously there are some areas that you can tweak grammar wise. Even a guy like me who is quite bad in grammar could notice some wince inducing errors. But don't sweat on it. I'm sure you like editing more than me so that should be no problem for you. By the way, if you want to add just a bit more animal like thinking to your characters you could substitute your use of "land" with "territory".

-Adiós!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Likes.

Hey!

First sentence - so many commas. Now, a comma is your friend - a very dear friend, as it were. But put too many and the reader might just trip over one, you know? And then again and again. And by the time she gets to the end of the sentence, has a bloody face. Pain breeds hatred. My suggestion: rephrase? Make it run more smoothly.

"a small pack" is inspecific. Oh, I know the title is Wolf Wars. That's a hint. But! a hint. I'd prolly ignore this if "dominating species" were clear - but it isn't. Dominating species? Who? What? I don't know! It's furstrating. Ignorance too breeds hatred.

"They weren’t going to let the enemy bring them down" - here you are evidently using letters to make the reader sympathise. And in general, a reader is a very cold-hearted person, who cares little unless really forced to care. Letters make up words (literally) and here the reader is literally told told to care. Well, y'know what? The reader laughs it off and returns to watch a film.

A film. Films show pictures! Connect the picutre is what a film is, sometimes. It's not particular shots. And on these lines, I don't want to see particular letters, words even. I want - paintings. Show! Standing tall, fantastic. Now expand.

See, "they weren't (...)" is a catchy but terribly empty phrase. You have to back it up with live people for whom the reader wants to root fall, actually feel those words!

Vague. This piece is vague, I've finally found the word. Maybe that's intentional, but if it is, we still have to have something, anything to relate to rather than a "they" and once! "pack".

Mission Impossible. I didn't really see that - more focus would have to go on "impossible", I think. We get a description of the journey (fantastic, sense of place scored, that whole thing - lovely), but not the "impossible" part. I absolutely adore that the "dubbing" came already after it was done, and the narrative unformed only after, but still think I should get this general vibe of danger before. That impossibility.

quote:
The leader jumped her small body to the floor.
Fantastic! I actually smiled. (comma before Sir)

I repeat: fantastic portrayal of her. Nice word choice - "baby-blue blanket", "sparkling", "freckles", "cute" and the boom. Food rewarding kinda shows a dark side - maybe that should also be emphasised? Hinted at more? (subtly, sure).

Leader portrayal (apart from that little thing) wonderful. Joe pales in comparison. Seems a bit carefre - but that mission impossible? Where does that fit the picture? Has gone long without food. I understand he might have hung on to his carefree-ness during (hint, hint) horrible times that are not past, they're now nownow. But! Yea, what I said before, the but.

The boom. A little boom, you know? Year of the wolves. Catchy, but again - empty. Maybe this could be the place to show some horror? So that the reader would feel terribly sorry for poor Joe. And everyone else. 2020, a totally different world - right now, I see sketches peeking through, maybe. But this is a whole world - I want to see in, not just skeleton bones poking through here and there.

Setting's an integral part to this storyline. The world, Year of the wolves. It's in the background, but it has to be there. Right now it's not, not really. Fill the emptiness of that boom. Make it ear-splitting. Throw us a feast - for the eyes. No info-dumping, yeah, but setting hooks. Few choice details that will make the atmosphere and make the story.

Sir (yea, I love her) "was amazed" - shortcutty. Touches only the top. Tip of the iceberg-ish. Explore this idea of a new girl - a girl! A girl!

Surprise ending - deffinitely. Now make the surprise more throughout. Appearance of a lot more dialogue does not cut away the need for trusty (well, we could rely on it up till this point) non-dialogue narrative. Around dialogue, build.

"Everyone’s jaws gaped" simply isn't enough. Iceberg Tip situation again. Mayday, mayday!

Huh. I don't think I like the sudden insight into the new strange girl's thought. Deux ex machina-like. Kinda rapid - kinda unbelievable. Entirely too oh comfortable. Try through Sir's perspective, maybe? That would be fun to read (hedonist all the way, here).

Is Christopher really needed? Is this a one-time appearance? Because if it is, scrap him. Card-board character as it is, and if there's no need to expand him, don't. We already have enough characters to work with - don't give another name just for laughs (ah but it's a very pretty name, isn't it? I'm so naming my son that).

Very interesting story, Sir's fantastic, well-written, Sir's terrific, can't wait for the edit, Sir's lovely,
Esme

I liked it! Definitely listen to all the good advice you’ve been given, because you know how to write and I love the idea.

It was confusing to me to figure out the exact situation these wolflike people were in. Are they desperate and starving, with not enough food to go around? Are they out to conquer land? What is the situation with the girl, and why is she so awe-inspiring? There‘s so many things you throw at us at once, and I‘m wondering if maybe you should take this beginning part at a slower pace, so we can understand it better.