Young Writers Society

Prologue

I stood in the small, grassy meadow. Tiny orange flowers softly illuminated my vision. The bubbling of a nearby creek filled my ears and the smell of nature penetrated my nose. The tall pine trees overhead gently swayed in the light breeze. My long, royal-blue dress dangled on my arms, dancing in the wind alongside my short brown curls. My eyes squinted, I glanced up at the sun and my moss-green eyes met the flaming red sphere. Quickly looking away I frowned. A red sun means blood will be spilled.
At least, that's what mom says.
Turning, I hastily made my way inside the large stone house that I call home.
Silently, I slipped into my mom's room on my slippered feet. Making my way to her bed I realized she lay awake. I stopped where I was and gasped, surprised.
“I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't realize you were awake,” I whispered. She smiled and beckoned me to come closer. As I scooted to her side she leaned up from her pillow and kissed me. Her long flaming-red hair fell over my eyes and I pushed it aside.
“What is it Kala? Why do you wake so early this morning?” she asked sleepily.
“Mom, there is a red sun outside,” I told her, choking on my words. “What does it mean? Are we gonna get hurt?”
Mom just froze. She sat silently, holding my hand tightly. Her hand slipped out of mine as she rushed to the window in a flurry. I began to shake, becoming afraid. Why is she acting like this? Mom glanced back at me and her eyes flashed with worry and immense fear. Then they softened a bit as she came to me and took my hand once more. When her slender fingers wove in with mine I sighed in relief. My body warm with a feeling of great safety and security. I followed Mom to the family room where she spoke to one of our many maids. The maid, Vanna, gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.
“Oh my!” she whispered. Mom gestured to me and Vanna rushed over and took my hand, leading me to a couch as mom ran upstairs.
“Kala, you just sit here for a few moments okay? Everything will be fine,” Vanna soothed me, then she rushed away like my mom had.
My mind seemed to blow up. Whats happening? Whats wrong? Are we gonna get hurt? Why is Mom so scared? What did she tell Vanna? Does this have to do with the red sun? I sighed angrily as I decided not to think about it any more. Just do what Mom says, Kala. Then, everything will be fine.

Mom kneeled on the dirty ground. I stood before her, both of us near the garden in the backyard. She held a small black bag in her lap. Her fingers traced my tattoos, the black swirls imprinted on my face.
“I love you Kala. I love you like I love the moon, the stars. But you must listen to me. You must run away from here. You must run as far and as fast as you can. Okay?” she asked. Tears had begun to gather in my eyes. I looked away from mom.
“I don't understand, Mom. I don't want to leave,” I cried quietly. I felt her soft hand on my chin. She forced me to look at her as tears began to run down her face. My eyes watered strongly.
“I know. I don't want you to leave either. But baby...I don't want you to get hurt. If anything happens...if anything happens, go to Higu, you...you know the way,” she told me between sobs, “I know that seeing me cry makes you feel weak. How could your strong mother be...crying? I love you and I know you can do this. Stay...safe for me, okay? Okay, baby?”
I nodded, crying. I threw my arms over her square shoulders and embraced her tightly. Never wanting to let her go. She hugged me back. Why! Why! I don't understand! My blue dress became dirty as we pulled apart and I ran with the black bag over my shoulder. I ran to the tree line, turning back once I passed the first tree. From where I stand, I can see the whole house. Silence seemed to settle over the fields and stone house. The endless stream of questions in my mind slowed for a moment.
Suddenly, the faint sound of horses met my ears.
I cowered farther back into the trees as the horsemen came into my view. Far away and yet, so, so close. Their clothing is beautiful, robes and tunics made of silk and cotton. Vibrant colors of orange, blue, and green. The are horses all black, with metal plates fitted on the face and sides. Long dark hair fit most of their facial features well. My eyes widened as I noticed the things they carried. Tall, black staffs with snakes carved into the base. Atop every staff beamed a bright green sphere. The sphere perfect and beautiful and yet deadly at the same time. Strangely, even from so far away, I can just feel the power vibrating off the horsemen.
My face flushed white with fear. I felt myself lose breath for a moment. I fell extremely silent, praying they will not find me. These...outsiders...are surely members of the Myrr clan? In other words, wizards or sorcerers that go evil, turning to worship the God Kyril of death and hate.
I watched, paralyzed with fear, as the men unmounted their horses and walking inside my house. For an eternity I heard nothing. Silence once again filled the fields. Filled my fearful ears. Then, I heard a scream. I gasped as the ringing violently shook my heart with fear. My eyes drew themselves to the door of the large house.
Mom appeared in the doorway, being pushed and dragged towards the horses. Oh God! Not mom! Please!
She yelled, she kicked, she fought, she unsheathed her hidden knife and tried to slice, but to no avail. The men, the dark wizards, dragged her across the lawn to the horses. Tears cascaded down my face. Mom! No! Please, please, no! This cannot be happening!
One of the men suddenly tapped Mom in the shoulder with his staff; Mom went limp as a doll, falling to the ground. The men picked her up, set her on one horse and began to ride away. One lone dark wizard stayed behind, surveying the fields. I watched him, hate and grief swelling up inside my soul. You just ripped my mother away from me! Monsters!
Someday, I will find you and I will seek sweet revenge.
Suddenly, the dark wizard looked straight at me. I looked into his eyes and saw it. The lust to kill, to hurt. I gasped in fear and lost my footing among the roots. My eyes broke from his as I fell backwards onto the ground cold ground. Overhead, rain began to fall, fast and heavy. I jumped back up quickly and screamed.
The dark wizard sat before me on his black horse. His face is handsome, perfect symmetry and flawless skin. His deep eyes, a bloody, scarlet red. They seemed to pierce a hole through my soft green eyes. His long black hair strangely reminded me of my mother and a tear fell out my eye. Jagged teeth filled his mouth, as deadly white as bones. His staff stood inches from my nose. The green sphere seemed to have a lust of its own. A lust to...torture and mercilessly kill, rip families apart and break souls into many small pieces.
“Please, don't,” I pleaded, falling to the wet, muddy ground. The rain splashed onto my ruined blue dress.
The dark wizard stared at me hard and long. His eyes formed spears in my heart and soul. You don't understand how beautiful my revenge will be! I heard the horses breath over my own heartbeat of fear. I glanced up at the dark wizard, attempting to plead again when he suddenly disappeared.
I gasped. Why did he let me live? Why did he not murder me? I kneeled on the wet ground, leaves sticking to my freezing legs. My black bag drenched and blue dress dripping with rainwater. Water poured down my shadowed face.
Why?.....Why?

Before I do the full review,
I just wanted to say that your tense is inconsistent. D:
Please go back and edit to make sure you don't have any little bits of present tense scattered in there. xD
Also, with 'kneed' do you mean 'kneeled'? Your present application doesn't work with the former.

Other than the changing tenses, the only thing that really bugged me was that, when you use the word 'Mom' it needs to be capitilized, unless it has 'my' in front of it. You did that some times, but there were several times when you didn't.

I changed it! I fixed the mom thing and I tried to fix up the tense problem. Please read over and tell me what you think! First chapter being posted in the next few weeks, I hope. Please read prologue!

Corrections, suggestions and comments in red.

emmylou1995 wrote:Prologue

I stood in the small, grassy meadow. Tiny orange flowers softly illuminated my vision. The bubbling of a nearby creek filled my ears and the smell of nature penetrated my nose. The tall pine trees overhead gently swayed in the light breeze. My long, royal-blue dress dangled on my arms, dancing in the wind alongside my short brown curls. My eyes squinted, I glanced up at the sun and my moss-green eyes met the flaming red sphere. Quickly looking away I frowned. A red sun means blood will be spilled.
At least, that's what mom says.
Turning, I hastily made my way inside the large stone house that I call home.
Silently, I slipped into my mom's room on my slippered feet. Making my way to her bed I realized she lay awake. I stopped where I was and gasped, surprised.
“I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't realize you were awake,” I whispered. She smiled and beckoned me to come closer. As I scooted to her side she leaned up from her pillow and kissed me. Her long flaming-red hair fell over my eyes and I pushed it aside.
“What is it Kala? Why do you wake so early this morning?” she asked sleepily.
“Mom, there is a red sun outside,” I told her, choking on my words. “What does it mean? Are we gonna get hurt?”
Mom just froze. She sat silently, holding my hand tightly. Her hand slipped out of mine as she rushed to the window in a flurry. I began to shake, becoming afraid. Why is she acting like this? Mom glanced back at me and her eyes flashed with worry and immense fear. Then they softened a bit as she came to me and took my hand once more. When her slender fingers wove in with mine I sighed in relief. My body warm with a feeling of great safety and security. I followed Mom to the family room where she spoke to one of our many maids. The maid, Vanna, gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.
“Oh my!” she whispered. Mom gestured to me and Vanna rushed over and took my hand, leading me to a couch as mom ran upstairs.
“Kala, you just sit here for a few moments okay? Everything will be fine,” Vanna soothed me, then she rushed away like my mom had.
My mind seemed to blow up. Whats happening? Whats wrong? Are we gonna get hurt? Why is Mom so scared? What did she tell Vanna? Does this have to do with the red sun? I sighed angrily as I decided not to think about it any more This sounded pretty good, but for some reason using 'as I' too much sort of distracts me. Maybe try making a seperate sentence beginning with, "I decided" or use "and" instead of "as". Just do what Mom says, Kala. Then, everything will be fine.

Mom kneeled on the dirty ground. I stood before her, both of us near the garden in the backyard. She held a small black bag in her lap. Her fingers traced my tattoos, the black swirls imprinted on my face.
“I love you Kala. I love you like I love the moon, the stars. But you must listen to me. You must run away from here. You must run as far and as fast as you can. Okay?” she asked. Tears had begun to gather in my eyes. I looked away from mom.
“I don't understand, Mom. I don't want to leave,” I cried quietly. I felt her soft hand on my chin. She forced me to look at her as tears began to run down her face. My eyes watered strongly.
“I know. I don't want you to leave either. But baby...I don't want you to get hurt. If anything happens...if anything happens, go to Higu, you...you know the way,” she told me between sobs, “I know that seeing me cry makes you feel weak. How could your strong mother be...crying? I love you and I know you can do this. Stay...safe for me, okay? Okay, baby?” Hmm.. too many "...'s" maybe take the second ones out?
I nodded, crying. I threw my arms over her square shoulders and embraced her tightly. Never wanting to let her go This would sound better as one sentence rather than two seperate ones.. She hugged me back. Why!? Why!? I don't understand! My blue dress became dirty as we pulled apart and I ran with the black bag over my shoulder. I ran to the tree line, turning back once I passed the first tree. From where I stand, I can see the whole house Oops...looks like you missed a spot when you were fixing up your tenses. I had the same problem with my story!. Silence seemed to settle over the fields and stone house. The endless stream of questions in my mind slowed for a moment.
Suddenly, the faint sound of horses met my ears.
I cowered farther back into the trees as the horsemen came into my view. Far away and yet, so, so close. Their clothing is beautiful, robes and tunics made of silk and cotton. Vibrant colors of orange, blue, and green. The are horses all black, with metal plates fitted on the face and sides. Long dark hair fit most of their facial features well. My eyes widened as I noticed the things they carried. Tall, black staffs with snakes carved into the base. Atop every staff beamed a bright green sphere. The sphere perfect and beautiful and yet deadly at the same time. Strangely, even from so far away, I can just feel the power vibrating off the horsemen.
My face flushed white with fear. I felt myself loseloose breath for a moment. I fell extremely silent, praying they will not find me. Another spot you missed while fixing up your tenses These...outsiders...are surely members of the Myrr clan? In other words, wizards or sorcerers that godo evil, turning to worship the God Kyril of death and hate.
I watched, paralyzed with fear, as the men unmounted their horses and walking inside my house. For an eternity I heard nothing. Silence once again filled the fields., filled my fearful ears. Then, I heard a scream. I gasped as the ringing violently shook my heart with fear. My eyes drew themselves to the door of the large house.
Mom appeared in the doorway, being pushed and dragged towards the horses. Oh God! Not mom! Please!
She yelled, she kicked, she fought, she unsheathed her hidden knife and tried to slice, but to no avail. The men, the dark wizards, dragged her across the lawn to the horses. Tears cascaded down my face. Mom! No! Please, please, no! This cannot be happening!Here you either missed another place when you were fixing tenses, or it is a thought and should be written in italics.
One of the men suddenly tapped Mom in the shoulder with his staff; Mom went limp as a doll, falling to the ground. The men picked her up, set her on one horse and began to ride away. One lone dark wizard stayed behind, surveying the fields. I watched him, hate and grief swelling up inside my soul. You just ripped my mother away from me! Monsters! If it's a thought, don't forget italics.
Someday, I will find you and I will seek sweet revenge. more italics needed
Suddenly, the dark wizard looked straight at me. I looked into his eyes and saw it. The lust to kill, to hurt. I gasped in fear and lost my footing among the roots. My eyes broke from his as I fell backwards onto the ground cold ground "ground cold ground?" do you mean, "cold hard ground."?. Overhead, rain began to fall, fast and heavy. I jumped back up quickly and screamed.
The dark wizard sat before me on his black horse. His face is handsome, perfect symmetry and flawless skin. His deep eyes, a bloody, scarlet red. They seemed to pierce a hole through my soft green eyes. His long black hair strangely reminded me of my mother and a tear fell out my eye. Jagged teeth filled his mouth, as deadly white as bones. His staff stood inches from my nose. The green sphere seemed to have a lust of its own. A lust to... the ...'s are not needed here.torture and mercilessly kill, rip families apart and break souls into many small pieces.
“Please, don't,” I pleaded, falling to the wet, muddy ground. The rain splashed onto my ruined blue dress.
The dark wizard stared at me hard and long. His eyes formed spears in my heart and soul. You don't understand how beautiful my revenge will be! I heard the horses breath over my own heartbeat of fear. I glanced up at the dark wizard, attempting to plead again when he suddenly disappeared.
I gasped. Why did he let me live? Why did he not murder me? I kneeled on the wet ground, leaves sticking to my freezing legs. My black bag drenched and blue dress dripping with rainwater. Water poured down my shadowed face.
Why?.....Why?

Wow...intense and interesting!! A few small nitpicks, but otherwise very well-written! I'll move onto the first chapter as soon as I have the time!

Here as requested! Sorry for the delay.

I stood in the small, grassy meadow. Tiny orange flowers softly illuminated my vision. The bubbling of a nearby creek filled my ears and the smell of nature penetrated my nose. The tall pine trees overhead gently swayed in the light breeze. My long, royal-blue dress dangled on my arms, dancing in the wind alongside my short brown curls. My eyes squinted, I glanced up at the sun and my moss-green eyes met the flaming red sphere. Quickly looking away I frowned. A red sun means blood will be spilled.

At least, that's what mom says.

Unless it's amazingly unique or intriguing, I say that, as a general rule, don't start a story with description. Start your story with something that either draws us in immediately, poses a conflict, or introduces your atmosphere. Plus, this is a paragraph of heavy description, which you might want to separate anyway.

I suggest starting where I bolded. It begins the conflict-- blood being spilled --and that tells that your atmosphere is a tense, violent one. It introduces the mom character as well.

My mind seemed to blow up. Whats happening? Whats wrong? Are we gonna get hurt? Why is Mom so scared? What did she tell Vanna? Does this have to do with the red sun? I sighed angrily as I decided not to think about it any more. Just do what Mom says, Kala. Then, everything will be fine.

It's not really necessary to write out all these questions. Just from the situation we can tell what the character is wondering-- just say that her mind blows up and she tries to push back the panic and questions.

Their clothing is beautiful, robes and tunics made of silk and cotton

Inconsistent tense. Everything else is in past tense, yet this is present.

Adverbs! Use less of them. "Softly", "hastily", "gently", "quickly", and "sleepily" are all adverbs that tell instead of show, like cheats. If you want to say that something is done sleeping, show the stretching and the yawning and being entangled in the bedsheets like a bug trapped in a spiderweb. Also, you can lay off on the adjectives a bit. Description is more than throwing adjectives at something-- you're trying to weave images and set a scene.

As a whole, this is okay, but your character's emotions are coming across as forced. She says things in the narration like "Oh my God!" and "Why, why?!" and "You monster!" which are kind of obvious. It's different if she yells this out with wrath, but in the narration itself it feels fabricated and fake. You want your characters emotions and feelings to come across through her movements, her breaths, and most importantly her viewpoint. For example:

Instead of:

I glanced up at the dark wizard, attempting to plead again when he suddenly disappeared.
I gasped. Why did he let me live? Why did he not murder me? I kneeled on the wet ground, leaves sticking to my freezing legs. My black bag drenched and blue dress dripping with rainwater. Water poured down my shadowed face.
Why?.....Why?

Try something like this:

I glanced up at the dark wizard, ready to plead for my life when I realized he had disappeared just as suddenly as he had come. I gasped and knelt on the wet ground, leaves sticking to my freezing legs. I was still alive. They had taken my mother--

I shivered, my bag and dress dripping with rainwater. Water poured down my face, and I wiped it away, too tired and confused to do anything but sit there in the rain.

There's just a suggestion-- instead of directly asking questions or exclaiming, imply the narrator's feelings a bit more subtly.

Best of luck, and keep writing!

~Evi

Here on request. Sorry I am so late.

After reading it through, I must say this ones pretty clean. I didn't catch many flaws, which is really good. And this is a worthy prologue.

A few things.

Making my way to her bed I realized she lay awake. I stopped where I was and gasped, surprised.
“I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't realize you were awake,” I whispered.

A little redundanant, don't you think?

My mind seemed to blow up. Whats happening? Whats wrong? Are we gonna get hurt? Why is Mom so scared? What did she tell Vanna? Does this have to do with the red sun? I sighed angrily as I decided not to think about it any more. Just do what Mom says, Kala. Then, everything will be fine.

If I were you, I'd probably put these in italics, to symbolize thought. Surely this is going through the characters mind during the story, you might want to be aware of that. Same goes for any other instances of thought.

His face is handsome, perfect symmetry and flawless skin.

Uhp. The narration is in past tense. You shouldn't use present tense in a past tense narration (quotes and thoughts are obviously excluded from this rule).

Overall, not many flaws. The main problem is distinguishing thoughts. You might want to go through and find those, and put the thoughts into italics. That way we readers can distinguish whether a statment is a thought, or a narration.

EDIT: I just realized I have a problem like this. Do you type this in a typing program? I noticed that things like italics and bold lettering don't transfer over to the forums (as they require tags). If so, disregard all comments about italics.

Other than that, excellent! I liked the premise of a red sun representing something bad, and sure enough, something bad happened. I like the idea of a wizard on horseback, I don't see that very often in stories. It will be very interesting to see where you go with this story.

Sorry I am sooooooo late. I forgot to check my forum thing: It seems that peopel have beaten me to the review,but after reading it I have one thing to say.

Lots of description does not mean good writing

You seem to need to describe everything to the last exact detail. I find that readers care less about what color this is or what the stream sounds like, than they do about the characters and the story itself. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do any, you don't want to leave the reader blind, but its the story that made Harry Potter good, not the description. Sorry again. Cya