4 minutes

Hey all. This is a story I wrote for Scarrlettfire's contest. It's based on the song "4 Minutes" by Madonna and Justin Timberlake. It's not supposed to be well-written, just funny. Review away!


4 minutes

They were an assembled team of powerful humans. Selected by the government, they went undercover to preserve all that is precious to mankind.
Their leader was Agent Blue, a former thief. Second in command was Agent Red, a scientist. The others were Agent Pink, a billionaire’s daughter-- who provided funding and little else—agent Black, a body builder and kung-fu master, agent White, a formerly world-renowned historian, and agent Green, a naturalist-turned-bounty hunter.
And they were on what just might have been their most dangerous mission yet. L’Snair Déclassé, an infamous villain, had just planted atomic bombs in the sewers of New York City, Japan, Washington, Moscow, Brazil, Madrid, and Rome. They ticked down, down, down. Four minutes left.
Agent Blue spoke frantically into his headset. “Red, you’re a science man! Come on, how do I disarm this?”
“Like, it’s making ticking noises… it’s kind of scary…” Pink chimed in.
Agent Red was pulling wires frantically. “Okay, the blue goes over the red, the green under the yellow…”
“I daresay, that’s incorrect! I have studied World War two and atomic bombs, and that is not how they work!” commented White.
“Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster.” Said Black.
“Idiot! Stop that!” yelled Green. “We’ve only got four minutes to save the world, and you’re all acting like children.” she complained.
“Um… like… I just stuck the heel of my shoe in it... and, like, it’s not ticking anymore.” said Pink.
“Pink! Where’d you stick it?!” Red yelled.
“Sorry, professor. These were, like, expensive. You have to, like, buy your own if you want them. Are you, like, poor? And I thought you were a guy…” Pink wondered.
“Dang-blast it all! Pink, where did you stick your shoe in the bomb?!” Blue growled.
“Fine. If you guys want it so bad, then come and get it.” Pink sighed.
“Gah! Just… stick things into it until something happens!” suggested White.
Immediately, everyone started poking whatever they could find into their bomb.
“We’ve got four minutes left to live, and we’re spending it poking things into hunks of metal!” whined Black.
“Three, actually.” Green added cheerfully.
“You know, if we, like, go to heaven, I heard that the road to there is paved with, like, good interns.” squeaked Pink.
“That would be ‘intentions,’ Pink.” corrected White.
“Wait! I jammed this screwdriver under the biggest bolt on the left side, and mine stopped!” exclaimed Red joyfully.
Everyone looked frantically at the left side of their bombs and began poking them.
“It’s disarmed!” shouted Blue.
Similar responses soon came from the others.


In four minutes, the government’s elite team of specialists had, once again, saved the world.

HAhhahahhaha, well it was funny, you definately achieved that, in fact I was laughing. I loved how ditzy you made Pink sound, and when she said 'I thought you were a guy' I was laughing so hard. Amazing, well I noticed no grammar mistakes, or spelling, on the whole it was simply hilarious, a good laugh, if that's what you wanted to achieve, mission accomplished xD

Thanks.

Very well done!! Awesome work!! Well done

Hola.

So the first paragraph is a major info. dump. Spread it out gradually, so it's not like;
"Sothecat'snamewasMewersandshewasblackandshe'sstuckinatreeandblahblahblah..."

I didn't actually find this all that funny. In fact, I found it forced. If this is your first time writing comedy, then that may be it; you just need more practice. But besides the whole thing sounding forced, it was also cliche and a bit repetitive. Like all the Agent's names being colors.

Not to mention it was pretty bland; you gave us no description whatsoever. None of our five senses were used except sight, and that was only because we had to read the story. Don't give us tofu when we were expecting ice cream! Add in the chocolate sauce, the sprinkles, vanilla bean, gummy bears, MORE sprinkles...

Make us laugh! Rude humor is always hilarious! And SHOW us rather than telling us everything... use some humorous description!

I apologize if I sound rude myself, but I'm only telling you my opinion and trying to help you out. But I'm glad other people enjoy it. That's the thing with being a writer. Not everyone enjoys your work. But, there's always a few who do. ^_^

PM me if you have any questions or comments. I won't mind. (:

~Peanut

Hello Dreamy!

I really enjoyed this, it was short and sweet.

There was a major infodump at the beginning, spread it out a bit and this would make it funnier. You could have put in Pink's purpose in the group after one of her sarky remarks and that would have been funny!

And I thought you were a guy…”

This was a great line! Well Done!

I didn't spot any mistakes, just spread out the information and you ill have a great little piece.

Very Funny!
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Thanks everyone! I will go back and edit.

Haha...when I was reading the story, Madonna's Four Minutes was playing through my head.

XD

Hehe, epically hilarious!
Outrageusement drôle!
Απολύτως αξιοκαταφρόνητα θορυβώδης!
Enough of that.
I found this very amusing. I found myself wanting to give Pink a great big kick. Not to be mistaken with 'a great big kiss'. 'And I thought you were a guy ...' That made me literally Laugh Out Loud.
There is nothing serious that needs correcting here. I did find, however, a recurring grammatical error. An example sentence: '“Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster.” Said Black.' Improved version: '"Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster," said Black.' I hope you got that. You see, the 'said Black' part is part of what I like to call the dialogue phrase, and therefore does not need a captal letter. And the phrase is not finished at 'faster', so you do need a comma. Otherwise, what I'm hearing in my head is:
"Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster."
Said Black.
See what I mean? In this copy of your story, I've highlighted everything similar to that and changed it to make it grammatically correct - but I probably sound WAY too patronizing here. If you got it the first time, ignore this great long passage to follow!

They were an assembled team of powerful humans. Selected by the government, they went undercover to preserve all that is precious to mankind.

Their leader was Agent Blue, a former thief. Second in command was Agent Red, a scientist. The others were Agent Pink, a billionaire’s daughter-- who provided funding and little else—agent Black, a body builder and kung-fu master, agent White, a formerly world-renowned historian, and agent Green, a naturalist-turned-bounty hunter.

And they were on what just might have been their most dangerous mission yet. Le (eliminate apostrophe)’Snair Déclassé, an infamous villain, had just planted atomic bombs in the sewers of New York City, Japan, Washington, Moscow, Brazil, Madrid, and Rome. They ticked down, down, down. Four minutes left.

Agent Blue spoke frantically into his headset. “Red, you’re a science man! Come on, how do I disarm this?”

“Like, it’s making ticking noises… it’s kind of scary…” Pink chimed in.

Agent Red was pulling wires frantically. “Okay, the blue goes over the red, the green under the yellow…”

“I daresay, that’s incorrect! I have studied World War two and atomic bombs, and that is not how they work!” commented White.

“Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster,” said Black.

“Idiot! Stop that!” yelled Green. “We’ve only got four minutes to save the world, and you’re all acting like children,” she complained.

“Um… like… I just stuck the heel of my shoe in it... and, like, it’s not ticking anymore,” said Pink.

“Pink! Where’d you stick it?!” Red yelled.

“Sorry, professor. These were, like, expensive. You have to, like, buy your own if you want them. Are you, like, poor? And I thought you were a guy…” Pink wondered.

“Dang-blast it all! Pink, where did you stick your shoe in the bomb?!” Blue growled.

“Fine. If you guys want it so bad, then come and get it,” Pink sighed.

“Gah! Just… stick things into it until something happens!” suggested White.

Immediately, everyone started poking whatever they could find into their bomb.

“We’ve got four minutes left to live, and we’re spending it poking things into hunks of metal!” whined Black.

“Three, actually,” Green added cheerfully.

“You know, if we, like, go to heaven, I heard that the road to there is paved with, like, good interns,” squeaked Pink.

“That would be ‘intentions,’ Pink,” corrected White.

“Wait! I jammed this screwdriver under the biggest bolt on the left side, and mine stopped!” exclaimed Red joyfully.

Everyone looked frantically at the left side of their bombs and began poking them.

“It’s disarmed!” shouted Blue.

Similar responses soon came from the others.



In four minutes, the government’s elite team of specialists had, once again, saved the world.

Wow, that was long. Okay, so that is all the criticism I have to give!!! *dances happy dance* So now I can drill into your skull the everlasting impression of how great I thought this was! You hooked me from the start, and even though I have never heard the song Four Minutes before, I found myself listening, in my head, to an improvised version based on this story ...
Oh, and when you said: '"Heh. If you kick it it ticks faster," said Black', an extract from an animated movie popped into my mind:

[Madagascar, Escape 2 Africa - plane is taking a nosedive, having run out of fuel. King Julius the lemur is flying above his seat because of the speed. All the other animals are screaming and clutching the seat in front.]
JULIUS: It's more fun if you wave your arms in the air like this! [Of course, in his insanely funny fake Indian accent]

Hehe. Similar scenario but I've been wasting your time. So I'll now leave you to bask in your awesomeness.
- Ignis