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The Assassin's Redemption Chapter 2 Part 1



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Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:48 am
KanenRenoir says...



Here's the next part of my story. i just finished writing it so there's bound to be a lot of mistakes. I need a lot of advice on it, so be harsh. Any of you who have read my first chapter two know it involves magic. Sorry to say I ditched that idea. Hope you enjoy. Note: It's shorter than my normal post.

Spoiler! :
]The Assassin's Redemption
Chapter 2

Kanen woke with a start. He sat up quickly, and then, wishing he hadn’t, sank against the wall. Pain stabbed at him from all over, as if every muscle in his body was screaming out in protest. Kanen had gone to see Mistress Helen in the Healer’s Tower. She’d patched up his cuts, but that had done nothing to quiet his pain. She had wanted him to sleep in the Tower overnight, but Hopefuls weren’t allowed to stay in the castle.

Kanen looked around at the familiar streets that he’d lived on for thirteen years. It was still dark out, and the moon shone brightly overhead, casting an eerie glow on the gray walls. The air was crisp and chilly. He was in the stone alley he’d fallen asleep in. Walls stood on either side of him. Trash littered most of the cobblestone ground, grouped together in piles several feet high.

Kanen had been living on the streets for as long as he could remember. He had become a Hopeful looking for a way out of this life, but lack of energy from starvation was giving him a disadvantage. He had hardly been able to stay on his feet today. It was doubtful he’d be admitted.

Kanen quickly shut away that thought. I have to become an Assassin. I have to! It was all he had left. No one in the entire city was looking to take on a street rat as an apprentice, so, if he was to survive, he had to be admitted into the Order.

Guardians, I hate these streets, he thought. But in reality, he hated his life. He was always on his own, always having to struggle just to survive. He could only barely remember his parents, but the fire that had claimed their lives had been scarred in his memory. He had been only two at the time. Why it had started was unknown, but it had, and with a great hunger. The fire consumed his families’ home, along with everyone else’s on the street. No one knew how he’d managed to survive. No one cared.

A sharp, metallic sound broke the silence of the night, follow quickly by another. He listened, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. The entrance to the alley. Walking slowly forward, Kanen peered into the darkness. A man, dressed in what only could be described as Court clothing, and elegant blue dress robe with silver trimming, was locked in combat with a hooded man. His assailant was wearing all black, so as to look like a member of the Order, but the flame insignia on his shoulder said otherwise.

The two men fought with longswords, slicing and parrying back and forth. The hooded one seemed to have the upper hand, striking faster and stronger than the old man. The noble was hard pressed just to block. Their swords clashed in a volley of strikes. The man in black’s sword sliced downward, cutting a long gash into the noble’s leg. The man dropped to the ground a cry bursting from his lips. The hooded man went to finish him off.

Not knowing what possessed him to do so, Kanen pulled his knife from his belt, the knife he used for protection on the streets, and rushed the hooded man, the pain that had captured all his thoughts a moment ago forgotten. The man was surprised, but only for a second. The man blocked Kanen’s thrust, stabbing the boy on his right side. Kanen fell, a searing pain engulfing him, sending to tears to his eyes. He screamed in agony. The hooded man turned, running down the dark alley and disappearing into shadows. The last thing Kanen saw before falling into darkness was Master Dracon dashing into the alley in pursuit, of the man. Then seeing the two injured on the ground, he stopped. Then all went black.
***
Last edited by KanenRenoir on Tue Mar 09, 2010 3:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:47 am
GoldenQuill says...



Aushy here! :}

KanenRenoir wrote:Here's the next part of my story. i just finished writing it so there's bound to be a lot of mistakes. I need a lot of advice on it, so be harsh. Any of you who have read my first chapter two know it involves magic. Sorry to say I ditched that idea. Hope you enjoy. Note: It's shorter than my normal post.

Spoiler! :
The Assassin's Redemption
Chapter 2

Kanen woke with a start. He sat up quickly, then, wishing he hadn’t, sank against the wall.Please, take out 'then.' It very much confused me whether you meant 'and then' or ... I don't know. It confused me either way. I guess you don't HAVE to take it out, but just put, 'and then,'. Pain stabbed at him from all over, as if every muscle in his body was screaming out in protest. After Master Dracon had stopped Katric from maiming him, Kanen had gone to see Mistress Helen in the Healer’s Tower. She’d patched up his cuts, but that had done nothing to quiet his pain. She had wanted him to stay overnight, but Hopefuls weren’t allowed to stay in the castle until they were admitted into the Order.
Kanen looked around at the familiar streets that he’d lived on for thirteen years. It was still dark out, and the moon shone brightly overhead, casting an eerie glow on everywhere. The air was crisp and chilly. He was in the stone alley he’d fallen asleep in. Walls stood on either side of him. Trash littered most of the floor, grouped together in piles several feet high.
Kanen was an orphan, living on the streets for as long as he could remember. He had become a Hopeful hoping for a way out of this life, but lack of energy from starvation was giving him a disadvantage. He had hardly been able to stay on his feet today. He doubted he’d be admitted.
A sharp, metallic sound broke the silence of the night, follow quickly by another. He listens, Changed tenses here. trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. The entrance to the alley. Walking slowly forward, Kanen peered into the darkness. Master Ramar, the High Assassin, dressed in what only could be described as Court clothing, and elegant blue dress robe with silver trimming, was locked in combat with a hooded man. His assailant was wearing all black, so as to look like a member of the Order, but the flame insignia on his shoulder said otherwise.
The two men fought with longswords, slicing and parrying back and forth.The hooded one seemed to have the upper hand, striking faster and stronger than the old man. Ramar had to fight just to block. Their swords clashed in a volley of strikes. The man in black’s sword sliced downward, cutting a long gash into Ramar’s leg. The High Assassin dropped to the ground a cry bursting from his lips. The hooded man went to finish him off.
Not knowing what possessed him to do so, Kanen pulled his knife from his belt and rushed the hooded man, the pain that had captured all his thoughts a moment ago forgotten. The man was surprised, but only for a second, the manhe blocked Kanen’s thrust, stabbing the boy on his right side. Kanen fell, a searing pain worst than any he’d ever felt engulfing him, sending to tears to his eyes. He screamed in agony. The hooded man turned, running down the dark alley and disappearing into shadows. The last thing Kanen saw before falling into darkness was Dracon entering the alley.
***


Very good! I was confused for a few moments, but then I got who Kanen is in your story. I am curious as to why the 'hooded man' didn't finish off Ramar after he injured Kanen, but of course you know why and it will be revealed soon enough.

Again, this was your fantastic work. I very much enjoyed it. :} PM me or go to my shack if you ever want anything reviewed again.

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

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Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:39 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey there, here I am for a review!

Hahaha I have to tell you, for a moment there I was thinking, wow, this character's name sounds really familiar...where have I heard the name Kanen before? :roll: I think I need to wake up now.

Anyways, onto the critique!

KanenRenoir wrote:After Master Dracon had stopped Katric from maiming him, Kanen had gone to see Mistress Helen in the Healer’s Tower.


For a moment, I wasn't sure who Kanen exactly is and what his relation is to Katric. I had to go back to the first chapter and read the beginning again to figure it out; perhaps you could mention something about the "training" he was receiving from Katric or something to ring that little bell for the reader?

He had become a Hopeful hoping for a way out of this life,


Mm, little too repetitive here. Easy to change, though.

Ramar had to fight just to block.


Huh, this just doesn't sound right to me. Maybe you could just say that he was hard pressed just to block, or something like that, because fighting to block doesn't add up in my mind.

The man was surprised, but only for a second,Either a semicolon or a completely different sentence here. the man blocked Kanen’s thrust, stabbing the boy on his right side.


Massive run-on here; actually, I think you could separate it into two sentences and it'd read just fine without any more changes.

Okay, that's it! Well done yet again, please let me know when you post the next part up! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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