Swimming In The Flood

This is a kind first for me, writing a more experimental, symbolism driven poem.
you can tear it apart if you like, but what would be really helpful is feedback on how to write these types of poems better as I know it isn't amazing.
~

Swimming in the flood
~
We once flew high, soaring
Vast tracks of possibilities
Stretched out, beckoning with gilded fingers
Yet they retracted, skin pulling taut
Over bony ridges and bunched tight
Masquerading as friendly fists,
Clichéd rumours just waiting to happen.
~
Eyes shattered, words blurred to whiplash
Sugar coated sticks and stones
So sweet, so undeniably poison
Spat with burnt tongues, a bitter delivery
Which infests and mutates
Cancerous thoughts that fidget guiltily
Lying - shamefaced and obvious
I forgive, for outside these paper walls
The world is a storm through teary pupils
Reality is fluctuation, English weather
I’ll sharpen my sight and tear down this facade
You nurse your tattered wings
I’ll be out
Swimming in the flood.

Oh my shenanigans!
I love this.
The analogies are gorgeous.
The writing is fluid.
And best of all, you have a very mature voice that only makes this piece of art so much more enjoyable to read.
5/5

Okay, I absolutely loved the second stanza. The contrast...wow. A couple of things, though - your metaphors don't follow. You go from sky to fingers to fists to clichés, all in the first stanza. A little bit of continuity in metaphor can go a long way.

You do a lot better in the second stanza. And the slight alliteration of "words blurred to whiplash / Sugar coated sticks and stones" made me smile. However, I didn't see what "I’ll sharpen my sight and tear them down" was referencing. The last thing you mentioned was English weather and reality, and I doubt you were meaning to tear those down. Making that a little more specific would be excellent.

Overall, this brightened my day immensely.

Hello!

Yet they retracted, skin pulling taunt

I think you mean taut.

Ok, so this poem sounds nice. It flows well and it has a nice style and vocabulary.

However, I think there is something you need to reconsider in the poem. Basically, a lot of the lines you have here pretty much sound like you've chosen them simply for the way that they sound rather than because they add something to the poem. For instance, this line:

Clichéd rumours just waiting to happen.

Yes, ok, this sounds pretty, but is it really adding much to the overall message of the poem? I'm not sure that it really adds anything. I think that you really need to think out your poem line by line. I know that making it flowery seems like a great idea, but the best thing you can do with a poem is make it sound great and make it go somewhere.

I hope this helps, PM me with any questions!

~Amy

Hey Halycon!

Sorry for taking so long to get to this. I've been really busy.

Now, I commend you for trying your hand at symbolic poetry. It's refreshing to read new attempts at it.

One thing I'm going to explain to you are the cliches in symbolism. It may seem strange but, some terms and implications of symbols.

Sugar coated sticks and stones
So sweet, so undeniably poison

So this is a great example of what I mean. Relating something sugary, or sweet to something 'poisonous' -- To tell the truth, even I am guilty of this. If you want to use these kind of symbols (since they are effective) you have to be a little more creative with them.

Another problem you want to consider is the core of your poem. When you have symbolic poetry, you want the main idea of your poem to be carefully thought through so that you can carefully wrap that idea in layers of metaphors and abstract imagery until so that way, like an onion, if you peel the layers you have a core instead of blank space.

My main point in this, since I'm a rambling madwoman is that symbolic poetry takes a lot more thought then people believe. You can't go around spitting out pretty lines without links and a central idea that it can be linked too. The hardest thing is the this kind of poetry is like a web. Without having everything done properly and completely, whether it be idea, transition, wording, metaphors etc. If one component is not done right, the web will fall apart in the slightest wind. (The wind being a possibly intelligent reader)

I'm done rambling, if you have questions or need clarification, drop me a line.

Kamas