The Angel's Sword. (chapter 2, Part 2)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1883
Reviews 20
"Da-ave!" A red-headed hurricane tore through the former lobby and attached herself to Wyatt's legs.
David picked up the four year old birthday girl and set her against his hip. She wrapped her arms and legs tightly around him.
"Good Morning Suzie! How's my little angel?" He asked, hugging her and letting her curly mop of orange hair tickle his nose. Suzie looked up at him sharply, smacking her head into his chin but apparently not caring.
"I'm not wittwe, I'm a big girw! I'm a hundred an' two, Dave, I am!"
"Really?" David said with mock sincerity. He stole a glance at George.
"Yes," the child said, nodding her head wisely and causing her ringlets of hair to bounce up and down. "Yesterday was my birthday. Why weren't you there Dave?"
David looked over at George and then back at Suzie. They both wanted to know what had kept him from the joint birthday party of the youngest child at the Orphan House and it's co-founder.
"I had a meeting with Mr. Hughes," he explained, more to George than to Suzie. Then to her he added, "I would have come if I could've Li'l Annie." He said, using their pet name for Suzie.
"That's okay," she said, looking up at him with her big doe-brown eyes. "Ms. Ewwis forgives you."
David smiled at her pronunciation of Ms. Ellis's name.
"Oh, good," he said.
"Breakfast is ready."
David glanced up at the young lady who had spoken and smiled. Although Marilyn had turned eighteen nine years ago, she had chosen to stay on at the place she had been raised and help take care of the children. Today, her auburn hair was let loose around her shoulders, resting gently on the emerald T-shirt that perfectly matched her eyes.
"Oh! Good morning Mr. Wyatt." She said, surprise registering in her eyes. "I didn't know you were here yet."
"I snuck up on you," David replied.
"How was the meeting?" She asked.
David gave her a look and then looked at George.
George got the point and took Suzie's hand.
"Come on Suzie, it's time to go eat breakfast," he said. "Dave doesn't think we're old enough to listen to politics." he added with a grin.
"I'm old enough." she said as George led her away. "I'm a hundred an' two."
David climbed to his feet and stood at Marilyn's side as she watched them go. She shook her head with a smile.
"Every time I see that child she makes me laugh." She turned toward David. "I thank GOD for her every day."
David nodded. "I know. I do too."
"She loves you Mr. Wyatt." Marilyn said, as they started walking toward the dining room. "They all do. They open up to you so well."
David didn't answer. Not all of them loved him. Camilla didn't seem to be able to open up to him, or anyone else for that matter. He shook his head. He just couldn't figure her out! She was scared; that he knew. But of what? Herself maybe? She didn't seem to be interested in friendship. If anything she shunned it, along with everyone at the Orphan House. All except George. George could talk to her, and she didn't seem afraid to answer him. David wondered if it was because the scars he had on the outside matched the one's she felt on the inside.
David felt Marilyn's warm hand on his shoulder.
"I know, Mr. Wyatt." She said, her voice tinged with the heaviness that weighed down his thoughts. "GOD will get to her somehow. Just keep praying."
David nodded but inwardly did the opposite. How many times had he told George just that? Yet how could GOD reach her? Sure, she went to church with the rest of them, but only to sit blank-faced in the pews, neither hearing nor caring what the pastor said.
Don't give up now David, he told himself, maybe all she needs is one more prayer, one more Sunday. How will you know if you give up?
As they passed the section of the lobby that had been set aside for TV watching, where several children were clustered around the TV, the name of a Willard Hughes caught his attention. He held up a hand for Marylin to wait, and turned to the ancient set that was all the Orphan house could afford.
"...was found dead in an alley north of 43rd street early this morning. The gruesome sight was discovered by a firefighter at the scene of the gas fire last night. Not counting the various cuts and injuries, Hughes had been stabbed fifteen t--"
David snatched the remote from the table and switched of the television. His hands were shaking violently and his face was white. He hardly noticed when the remote slipped from his fingers and hit a girl in the shoulder.
Marilyn studied David's face for half a second before taking charge of the situation.
"Breakfast is on the table, you better hurry before it gets cold. Merissa, isn't it your day to help Agatha get her food?..."
As Marilyn herded the group of children out of the TV area, David gripped the back of the couch as if he needed it to support his weight. Hughes couldn't possibly be dead, he had seen him last night. And while he may not have been exactly healthy, he was certainly alive!
After all of the children had gone, Marylin turned to David.
"What's wrong?"
David shook his head with a jerk.
"Nothing, I guess. It's not everyday that a business associate is murdered. His death just came as a shock to me. That's all." He straightened, his color returning.
Marilyn tilted her head.
"There's something else isn't there?"
David smiled. "You don't miss anything, do you?" He glanced down at his hands. "But no, actually, there's not much else. Only that I was the last person who had an appointment with Hughes last night." He glanced up. "I'm just worried that there may be trouble with the police over this. The Orphan House doesn't need that kind of publicity."
"I know."
David glanced at his watch. 9:30!
"I need to get ready for the reporter. Have you eaten?"
Marilyn shook her head. "Have you?"
"Yeah, I ate around six." David picked up the remote from the couch and threw it on top of the t.v. "Go get something to eat, I can handle the reporter until you get back."
Marilyn nodded her thanks and left the room as the doorbell sounded.
Last edited by Katriona on Sat Apr 17, 2010 6:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
~Christ's Servant


How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace;
that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation;
that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!
Isaiah 52:7




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14895
Reviews 202
Wow. This is very, very good. And it's a christian story too. That's great. Let's see if I can find some nitpicks:
GOD, what a sweet child,

I don't think you have to capitalize God. Just the first letter is fine. :)

David snatched the remote from a girl named Shelby

It's not him snatching the remote that bothers me, it's that you introduced a new character at the very end. I was like "Who's Shelby? Did I miss something?" Some people wouldn't be confused, but I'm a fast reader and tend to miss an occasional sentence. So to prevent confusion, please don't throw in a new character at the end.
There really isn't a need for Shelby. You could have David pick it up off a table and drop it on the floor or something instead.

So yeah, that's all I can find.
Your description is wonderful. Your stories have beautiful detail. There's just one thing. I find it hard to keep track of who and what is going on. Here are a few of my questions I had as I was reading this:
What does this orphanage thing do?
Why is the main character at the orphanage? What connection does he have to it? (that's something that could be improved too. Your characters link to everyone.)


I loved the ending. It's a good hook. Post more soon okay? I think you have a new dedicated reader!

~Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1883
Reviews 20
I edited so it would be shorter.
~Christ's Servant


How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace;
that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation;
that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!
Isaiah 52:7



it is quite something to wound someone and then pity their scars
— canopy