Dark Tide (Prologue + Chapter 1.1) - EDITED

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Hi!
This is my new story which I have just started. Before you start reading, I know I use the words 'But' and 'And' a lot. Especially when starting new sentences, so any tips on starting them differently would be useful!
Also, there might be italics missing, but I don't have the time to go through it.
Please read and comment!

EDIT: Here is a newer, edited version of the Prologue and Chapter One!

EDIT 2: I am re-posting the chapters in smaller parts to make them easier to review.


Prologue
In this modern world of ours, we do not believe in magic. Anything we call “magic” others will call science. After all, how can it exist? It cannot logically, cannot possibly exist. And yet there are lots of unexplained things that happen in this world. Of course, they are hushed up and nothing is mentioned to the public. If even a whisper reached the public they could panic. They would be scared. That isn't to say that the people who know aren't scared. Of course they are. Nobody can explain these things, anything could happen. Nobody could explain. Except perhaps one person. And nobody would get information from him. Just 3 months ago he had gone mad.
But this is not the beginning. No, the beginning is back when the world was created.

In the beginning it was darkness. There was no mass, no shape. There was nothing. Apart from one something. No, not something because it wasn't something. It was nothing itself. “The shadow” as people would later call it. But it had no name. How can nothing have a name? It all started slowly. The first atoms were created, suns started forming. The galaxy's and solar systems were created. Then planets came. But what we now know as the Milky Way, that was the last to come. Later still came Mars, Satan, Mercury, and all the planets apart from Earth were created. All this took millions of years. And then suddenly, Earth appeared. It hadn't been formed like the other planets. It just appeared. Created by a invisible force. Created by the Shadow.

By now you must be getting the gist of what I am saying. Magic does exist. Not science, but actual magic. It was all at the beginning. And it continued through the ages.
Every religion has a God or Gods. They also have the bad guy, the Devil. Let us take Christianity for example.
Lots of people believe in Christianity. It is probably the most common religion in the world. The Christians holy book is the Bible. There are two major sections to it; The Old Testament; and the New Testament. In the old testament it introduces the beginning of the world, and claims that God created everything. But in actual fact, 'God' does not exist. 'The Shadow' exists. In the Old Testament it is mainly prophecies about a saviour who would come down to save the world, make it a better place. And it speaks of Satan. Christian's devil. So if the Shadow is God, what is Satan, our devil? Impossible as it may seem, the Shadow is Satan as well. Because the Shadow feeds on Misery and Pain. It tortures humanity, but won't quite destroy it in case it can't continue to feed. Humans found this out, and put together a force to destroy the Shadow. A great war was fought and they hurt It and It went into hiding – It hasn't been seen since.
Then we come to the New Testament. Jesus is born. Tales of magic, wonder appear. He heals people. Jesus was a healer (See p.738 in The World of Shadows). Then, in the tale of King Arthur, Merlin the magician appears.
Perhaps you have played a game of Chinese whispers. The message starts at one end, but as it got passed from person to person, it got more and more distorted. The same has happened with story's of the Shadow and magic. Nobody remembers. But one thing is certain.

The Shadow was there at the beginning.



And It will be there at the end.


Chapter One

Patrick Weed sat down on the sofa and turned on the T.V. He was small, just over five foot. He had a thin face, and his lips were pressed tight. His body, which until a few months ago had been quite well rounded, was thin and shapeless. His head had gone bald around two years ago, even though he was only in his forty's. So far he could have been an ordinary person – if very thin. But then you saw his eyes. They were a pale blue, but they were wide open as if in shock. There was something strange and sinister about them. A haunted look.
He had once had a normal life. Until he had found the book. He had found it quite by accident. He was in a second hand book shop, and the thick leather bound book had appealed to him. Now he would curse the day he had found it – if he could. He had read the books secrets. Learned about the Shadow. Although it was only the day that he first uttered the words 'the Shadow' that he had become a marked man.
So the Shadow had found him. Patrick Weed no longer existed. He had disappeared three months ago. Only the body remained, and the Shadow now possessed it. What used to be Patrick smiled as he thought of this. He looked at his watch. It was time. He stood up and walked to the door with a cold smile on his face.
He knew that people thought he had gone mad. But it was quite the opposite. He had become a proper person. He had become his maker.
Literally.

***

James ran down the alleyway at full pelt. He stopped at the other end for a moment, realizing too late that it was dead end. He then risked a glance behind him. Another boy, Jake appeared round the corner and gave a triumphant whoop as he saw James. “No!” James whimpered. He was rooted to the spot. Sweat trickled down his face as he panted heavily.
“You shouldn't have tried to run James. It only makes it worse.” Jake crowed walking forwards. James cowered away in the other boys shadow. James was small. Even half an inch makes a big difference when you're being bullied, and James was three and a half inches smaller. He looked vaguely Chinese but had long blonde hair. “What sort of boy has long hair anyway?” Jake asked. He was the complete opposite of James. Tall, heavily built. His nose looked like it had been broken more than once.
James didn't answer. “I said; What sort of boy has long hair?” Jake snarled grabbing James arm and wrenching it behind his back.
“Me.” James risked saying.
“No. You're wrong.” Jake said smiling again. “Because you're not a boy. You're a girl. A big, wussy, girl.” he spat the last bit wrenching James's arm again. James let him. He would never dream of retaliating to this boy. It wasn't in his nature. It just wasn't him. So he let it happen.

***

Patrick walked through the crowds casually. He looked exactly like anyone of the other people in the crowd, but for some reason they all skirted round him, making a path for him. He had a smile fixed on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
He looked around and saw a man sitting outside a cafe drinking orange juice. What a pathetic creature. All of these creatures surrounding him were petty. He looked around again.
The body of Patrick Weed was pathetic too. Soon it wouldn't be able to support him. He needed a new host.
Casting out with his mind, he searched for a suitable person. Quickly he found someone who should be able to support him for quite while. He could just feel it. It was one of his powers. Patrick homed in on him and pretended to bump in to him, almost falling over. “Oh, I'm so sorry!” he exclaimed. “I wasn't looking where I was going... are you all right?” the other man nodded. He was backing away from this strange man, when he held up a hand to shake. “Patrick Weed.” he smiled. Hesitantly the other man took the hand.
“Harry Royale.” They shook. He tried to take his hand away, but Patrick refused to take his hand away. Harry pulled more insistently, but then realized something. Patrick's hand was stuck to his. It was almost as if the two were glued together. He could only look with wide eyes as Patrick opened his mouth and breathed out. Harry tried to tell himself that this nightmare wasn't actually happening as he saw some sort of gas come out of Patrick's mouth. Something which smelt of everything and nothing. It was a dark greenish colour and enveloped Harry. He fell to the ground onto his knees. He saw people clear a space, looking at him, frightened.
Then Harry screamed. Somehow the breath was hurting him. He could feel it inside of him now. The pain was immense. What had that man, Patrick, done? It was unearthly... as was his scream. He was still screaming as Patrick slumped to floor. There was no doubt he was dead. The - whatever it was - had all disappeared now and the crowd looked on in stunned silence. Then the man who used to be Harry closed his mouth and stopped screaming. A new calm spread through him, and he stood up and walked away as if nothing had happened.
The public had never seen anything like it.

***

At the same time, on the other side of London, James felt something deep inside him. It was a strange feeling, as if something had opened inside of him. It was strange but he didn't think about it. He couldn't. All he could think about was Jake. The bully had been toying with him. Punching and kicking him a little. Insulting him. But James was fed up. For once in his life, he wanted to fight back. Right now Jake had pinned him against a wall, his dirty breath in James's face.
“Go away Jake.” James said quietly.
“What?” Jake asked, surprised.
“I said go away.” Jake just laughed.
“Or what? You'll tickle me?” he taunted.
James had lifted his arm and punched Jake square in the chest before he realized he was doing it. He was shocked with himself. He had never hit anyone in his life. He couldn't even bring himself to hurt a fly!
What happened next shocked him even more though.
Jake went flying through the air as if he had been hit by a train. He crashed though the wall of a house on the other side of the alley, actually going through the brick. Yet he kept on going! Someone screamed, and all the while James felt his energy being drained from him. He felt drained, and suddenly didn't have enough energy to stand up. He collapsed onto the ground, feeling his life support being drained out of him. A blackness was trying to cover his vision, but he fought it.
I don't want to die! he thought, desperately wondering if that was what was happening. Now he couldn't breathe. His vision flickered as he fought desperately for breath. He was slowly suffocating with no apparent reason for it. His last thought as everything faded into blackness was: Why am I dying?
Last edited by cosby on Wed Jan 20, 2010 9:37 pm, edited 6 times in total.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

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Ok so this is really good!! So you are wondering how to start a sentence differently? Well, instead of 'but' you can use 'however' 'on the other hand' ... I'm sure there are more but try fitting those into your piece instead of but. Justtry a variety of different sentence openings!!! I like this piece of work. :)
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Hi, Cosby. This is my first review but I will try my best to offer some constructive criticism. I had to speed read due to lack of time so this will be a short and basic review.

I really enjoyed the beginning due to the unexpected introduction to the characters. James whom I assume is the main character had my favorite character introduction. The fact that he was bullied gave you a great opportunity to offer a short description. Another one of the highlights of your story for me was the fast intertwining of the characters. It did not seem rushed to me and the flow was quite good although even more description is better. One more note about the character's was that I loved the mysterious factor you put in the story with James's parents.

As for grammatical/spelling errors I only noticed one on my quick read through, but my grammar/spell checking isn't at all perfect. This stuck out like a sore thumb and the noticeable error is the word months spelled "moths".

[quote]Just 3 moths ago he had gone mad./quote]

As for the word "but" used throughout your work (which you mentioned). Here are some substitutes/synonyms: although, however, nevertheless, on the other hand, still, though, yet.

I hope I helped and offered some encouragement,

DayDreams
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Thanx! I can't believe I couldn't see the "moths" spelling mistake. I've gone over it loads of times!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


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Hey

I love the idea of this. It has my creative juices flowing and it is really well constructed to grab and hold my interest. There are no slogging parts where the reader is wanting to go faster than the writer. This is really exceptional writing!

I have a suggestion, feel free to toss it out. Instead of giving the reader an account of the backstory, could you have this come out as dialogue someway? Readers almost always prefer dialogue to narration, and it could be as simple as the last paragraph of your entire story, two men sitting over chess in a park, and one is describing exactly this, and perhaps the other man isn't buying it.

This is also a suggestion, and feel free to toss this out too. I LOVE this sentence:
He knew that people thought he had gone mad. But it was quite the opposite. He had become a proper person. He had become his maker.
Literally.
The impact comes from its carefully constructed simplicity. I also feel that it would be nice to have something to constrast this with, maybe some longer sentences before it. Your style is very staccato, and theres nothing wrong with it, but it does set a tone for the story and maybe by varying your sentence length you could get more bang from your really short powerful sentences.

I said go away.” Jake just laughed. “Or what? You'll tickle me?” he taunted. -- This should be split into two paragraphs, a fresh one for each speaker. This happens a few times along the way, and is just a matter of what the reader is used to.

Overall fantastic!! I unfortunately got a big confused with the James and the Jakes, and had to work to keep the characters separate at times, but it was thoroughly enjoyable and I can't wait to see more!




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I'm not really good at correcting literal works so I'll simply tell my opinion as your work was already reviewed, I found the story pretty interesting, the idea is a nice one =) I'm looking forward to the next chapter, keep it up and good luck!
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Yay! Thank you! I'll set to work about the bits that you have pointed out!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


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I've posted Chapter Two up now. To see it click the Click To See Possible Related Items button on the top left of the page.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




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Just done some small edits, nothing big as I believe in completing, then going over it all again.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




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Hello, cosby

Now I have to admit that I didn't read all of this as it was a bit long. However what I did read was very good and I will read the rest of this before I read CHapter 2 otherwise I will not be of much use as a reviewer. When I read the rest I will comment if I find any drastic mistakes but so far its all good!

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia :D
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Thank you!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




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Hi! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but here I am, as promised. Thank you so much for breaking this down into pieces, it is much more manageable. Shall we?


In this modern world of ours, we do not believe in magic. Anything we call “magic” others will call science. After all, how can it exist? It cannot logically, cannot possibly exist. And yet there are lots of unexplained things that happen in this world. Of course, they are hushed up and nothing is mentioned to the public. If even a whisper reached the public they could panic. They would be scared. That isn't to say that the people who know aren't scared. Of course they are. Nobody can explain these things, anything could happen. Nobody could explain. Except perhaps one person. And nobody would get information from him. Just 3 months ago he had gone mad.

But this is not the beginning. No, the beginning is back when the world was created.

In the beginning it was darkness. There was no mass, no shape. There was nothing. Apart from one something. No, not something because it wasn't something. It was nothing itself. “The shadow” as people would later call it. But it had no name. How can nothing have a name? It all started slowly. The first atoms were created, suns started forming. The galaxy's and solar systems were created. Then planets came. But what we now know as the Milky Way, that was the last to come. Later still came Mars, Satan, Mercury, and all the planets apart from Earth were created. All this took millions of years. And then suddenly, Earth appeared. It hadn't been formed like the other planets. It just appeared. Created by a invisible force. Created by the Shadow.

By now you must be getting the gist of what I am saying. Magic does exist. Not science, but actual magic. It was all at the beginning. And it continued through the ages.

Every religion has a God or Gods. They also have the bad guy, the Devil. Let us take Christianity for example.

Lots of people believe in Christianity. It is probably the most common religion in the world. The Christians holy book is the Bible. There are two major sections to it; The Old Testament; and the New Testament. In the old testament it introduces the beginning of the world, and claims that God created everything. But in actual fact, 'God' does not exist. 'The Shadow' exists. In the Old Testament it is mainly prophecies about a saviour who would come down to save the world, make it a better place. And it speaks of Satan. Christian's devil. So if the Shadow is God, what is Satan, our devil? Impossible as it may seem, the Shadow is Satan as well. Because the Shadow feeds on Misery and Pain. It tortures humanity, but won't quite destroy it in case it can't continue to feed. Humans found this out, and put together a force to destroy the Shadow. A great war was fought and they hurt It and It went into hiding – It hasn't been seen since.

Then we come to the New Testament. Jesus is born. Tales of magic, wonder appear. He heals people. Jesus was a healer (See p.738 in The World of Shadows). Then, in the tale of King Arthur, Merlin the magician appears.


Perhaps you have played a game of Chinese whispers. The message starts at one end, but as it got passed from person to person, it got more and more distorted. The same has happened with stories of the Shadow and magic. Nobody remembers. But one thing is certain.

The Shadow was there at the beginning.

And It will be there at the end.


I'll tell you why I think you should cut out all of the paragraphs except for the last one. They are redundant. They are unnecessary information that does nothing for the plot, except make the story drag on. And if you'll read the last paragraph you'll see that you summarize all of the prior paragraphs in that one paragraph. You do it so eloquently and perfectly, that it makes anything before that paragraph seem blah. I think you should start this story off with this paragraph because it will drag your reader into the story.


Patrick Weed sat down on the sofa and turned on the T.V. He was small, just over five foot. He had a thin face, and his lips were pressed tight. His body, which until a few months ago had been quite well rounded, was thin and shapeless. His head had gone bald around two years ago, even though he was only in his forty's. So far He could have been an ordinary person – if very thin. But then you saw his eyes. They were a pale blue, but they were wide open as if in shock. There was something strange and sinister about them. A haunted look.

He had once had a normal life. Until he had found the book. He had found it quite by accident. He was in a second hand book shop, and the thick leather bound book had appealed to him. Now he would curse the day he had found it – if he could. He had read the book's secrets. Learned about the Shadow. Although it was only the day that he first uttered the words 'the Shadow' that he had become a marked man.

So the Shadow had found him. Patrick Weed no longer existed. He had disappeared three months ago. Only the body remained, and the Shadow now possessed it. What used to be Patrick smiled as he thought of this. He looked at his watch. It was time. He stood up and walked to the door with a cold smile on his face.

He knew that people thought he had gone mad. But it was quite the opposite. He had become a proper person. He had become his maker.
Literally.


You'll notice that I crossed some words out and made some minor corrections in read. This is just to help the flow of your story. If the Shadow has control of Patrick why do you show us Patrick's thoughts and the Shadow's thoughts? It is rather confusing, trying to figure out who is in control. Perhaps you could clarify? I love your description of Patrick and how he has wasted away, it painted a very vivid mental image in my mind. Good job on your character development.


James ran down the alleyway at full pelt. He stopped at the other end for a moment, realizing too late that it was dead end. He then risked a glance behind him. Another boy, Jake appeared round the corner and gave a triumphant whoop as he saw James. New Paragraph. “No!” James whimpered. He was rooted to the spot. Sweat trickled down his face as he panted heavily.

“You shouldn't have tried to run James. It only makes it worse.” Jake crowed walking forwards. New Paragraph.James cowered away in the other boy's shadow. James was small. Even half an inch makes a big difference when you're being bullied, and James was three and a half inches smaller. He looked vaguely Chinese but had long blonde hair. New Paragraph.“What sort of boy has long hair anyway?” Jake asked. He was the complete opposite of James. Tall, heavily built. His nose looked like it had been broken more than once.

James didn't answer. New Paragraph.“I said; What sort of boy has long hair?” Jake snarled grabbing James arm and wrenching it behind his back.

“Me.” James risked saying.

“No. You're wrong.” Jake said smiling again. “Because you're not a boy. You're a girl. A big, wussy, girl.” Jake spat the last bit wrenching his arm again.New Paragraph. James let him. He would never dream of retaliating to this boy. It wasn't in his nature. It just wasn't him. So he let it happen.


First of all, when writing dialogue you start a new paragraph whenever someone new says or does something. You'll notice I put in the appropriate places to start a new paragraph, just so you could understand the idea. Secondly, you use a lot of fragments in your writing. It works in someplaces and other places it just makes the story feel choppy. I'd suggest trying to make as many complete sentences as you can. Don't use fragments unless you're trying to put specific emphasis on those words. Understand? By the way, I again have to commend you on your character development, both of these boys feel like real people to me. Although their ages seem a bit fuzzy to me and I'd like clarification on that. Good job, all the same.


Patrick walked through the crowds casually. He looked exactly like anyone of the other people in the crowd, but for some reason they all skirted around him, making a path for him. He had a smile fixed on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

He looked around and saw a man sitting outside a cafe drinking orange juice. What a pathetic creature. All of these creatures surrounding him were petty. He looked around again.

The body of Patrick Weed was pathetic too. Soon it wouldn't be able to support him. He needed a new host.

Casting out with his mind, he searched for a suitable person. Quickly he found someone who should be able to support him for quite while. He could just feel it. It was one of his powers. Patrick homed in on him and pretended to bump in to him, almost falling over.

“Oh, I'm so sorry!” he exclaimed. “I wasn't looking where I was going... are you all right?”

The other man nodded. He was backing away from this strange man, when he held up a hand to shake.

“Patrick Weed.” he smiled. Hesitantly the other man took the hand.

“Harry Royale.” They shook. He tried to take his hand away, but Patrick refused to take his hand away. Harry pulled more insistently, but then realized something. Patrick's hand was stuck to his. It was almost as if the two were glued together. He could only look with wide eyes as Patrick opened his mouth and breathed out. Harry tried to tell himself that this nightmare wasn't actually happening as he saw some sort of gas come out of Patrick's mouth. Something which smelt of everything and nothing. It was a dark greenish colour and enveloped Harry. He fell to the ground onto his knees. He saw people clear a space, looking at him, frightened.

Then Harry screamed. Somehow the breath was hurting him. He could feel it inside of him now. The pain was immense. What had that man, Patrick, done? It was unearthly... as was his scream. He was still screaming as Patrick slumped to floor. There was no doubt he was dead. The - whatever it was - had all disappeared now and the crowd looked on in stunned silence. Then the man who used to be Harry closed his mouth and stopped screaming. A new calm spread through him, and he stood up and walked away as if nothing had happened.

The public had never seen anything like it.


In this scene I wish you had spent more time on the senses. What does this place look like where Patrick is strolling? What are the noises he hears? What is the weather like? I know you focused briefly on what the gas looked like and smelled like, but I wish you had gone into more detail. How can something smell like nothing? How does it feel to have your hand glued to another's? Explain the pain that Harry is feeling. Is it like a bee sting or a broken limb type of pain? Or something much worse. And why was there no reaction from the bystanders when Harry starts to walk away?


At the same time, on the other side of London, James felt something deep inside him. It was a strange feeling, as if something had opened inside of him. It was strange but he didn't think about it. He couldn't. All he could think about was Jake. The bully had been toying with him. Punching and kicking him a little. Insulting him. But James was fed up. For once in his life, he wanted to fight back. Right now Jake had pinned him against a wall, his dirty breath in James's face.

“Go away Jake.” James said quietly.

“What?” Jake asked, surprised.

“I said go away.” New Paragraph. Jake just laughed. “Or what? You'll tickle me?” he taunted.

James had lifted his arm and punched Jake square in the chest before he realized he was doing it. He was shocked with himself. He had never hit anyone in his life. He couldn't even bring himself to hurt a fly!

What happened next shocked him even more though.

Jake went flying through the air as if he had been hit by a train. He crashed though the wall of a house on the other side of the alley, actually going through the brick. Yet he kept on going! Someone screamed, and all the while James felt his energy being drained from him. He felt drained, and suddenly didn't have enough energy to stand up. He collapsed onto the ground, feeling his life support being drained out of him. A blackness was trying to cover his vision, but he fought it.

I don't want to die! he thought, desperately wondering if that was what was happening. Now he couldn't breathe. His vision flickered as he fought desperately for breath. He was slowly suffocating with no apparent reason for it. His last thought as everything faded into blackness was: Why am I dying?


Again, I want more description here. What does James look like after sustaining his injuries from Jake? How does it feel? Maybe he licks his busted lip and it stings from his saliva. What smells are present in the alley? Perhaps the stench of grabage is heightened, making James nauseaus. When he punches Jake, how does that feel? Both physically and emotionally? What does it sound like as Jake is going through several walls? I'd imagine it be a great mess with crumbling brick and the dust from the interior walls he crashes through. Finally, you need to pay attention to your repetitiveness. You'll notice you repeat the same words over and over. Use a thesaurus, trust me, you won't be disappointed.

Overall: I actually enjoyed this story. I love the plot line, it is very original and you've made me curious as to what is happening next. Like I said, your characters are obviously well-developed and you've seemed to put a lot of planning into this story. Good job! I will try to get to the rest tomorrow, as I have ran out of time today. Keep writing, you've got talent. :D
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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Thank you for reviewing! I've taken a quick look over, but I'm going to bed now, so I'll read it again in the morning. Once again, thank you!
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.




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Sup, Cosby? I think you've got a decent start here with an interesting concept and I think you should run with it. But I think a few improvements could be made to make this chapter reach its full potential.

First, I would change the name of "The Shadow" Have you ever read Inkheart? There's a monster in that book called "The Shadow" and my mind flashed back to it as I was reading this. You should choose another cool name that is original. Try using a thesaraus. :)

Second, you want to be careful with P.O.V switches. When you first introduced James, he just sort of popped out of the blue. I would write in some narrative (background info) on the guy so as not to make him appear to be a random side character. Also, the part with him and bully was pretty cliched. Well, not so much cliched as lacking in detail. Again, some narrative to fill in the gaps would fix this problem.

Third, I agree with Moriah Leila about the beginning. In my opinion, the overabundance of information takes away from creating the suspense - which is what I'm assuming you were going for - because it's kind of boring. Don't take that with offense though, I want to help you make it better.

I wouldn't delete the paragraphs because there is still some need-to-know background information about the Shadow. If I were you, I would just make the beginning all about the Shadow instead of getting all philosophical. You want to ease the reader in with a suspenseful story, and I feel like you're giving too much away in the prologue. Less is more, in my opinion.

So there are my two cents, but ou should take them with a grain of salt, consider them as suggestions to improve your story, and trust your instincts when you think you've got it down.

BTW, Patrick Weed is a great name. Giggled a little when I first saw it. ;)




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Thank you! I hadn't realized that 'the Shadow' had been used in another book, but I'll use my brain to think up a new name.
Did you know that there really are some 'Patrick Weed's' out there? I checked it out a few days ago and thought it was quite funny that there actually were Patrick Weed's in existence. I'll definitely take in what you said and see what I can do.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it -

- If the doctor told me I had 6 minutes left to live, I'd type faster -


I laugh at my own signature. Sad? Yes.



*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits