Young Writers Society

This is my first attempt at a short story. I hope you like it.
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Reaper
I could feel something watching me as I scrubbed the kitchen table in the darkness. The brushing of cloth behind me was unnerving because my parents and little sister were asleep, and I hadn’t heard anyone come in the house.
Come to us, Valerie, a deep, hypnotic voice reverberated in my head pushing my own thoughts out. We need you, Valerie.
I slowly turned around and saw at least fifty pairs of sparkling, emotionless red eyes watching my every move. The floorboards creaked under my feet as I walked towards the one closest to me. A billowing black robe covered the entity that had spoken to my thoughts. “What do you want me to do?” My voice quaked with sudden anticipation. I wasn’t sure if They were feeding it to me or if the emotion was my own.
Kill your parents, Valerie. They don’t love you. They won’t let you come with us. Kill them, and join us. I reached for the knife block on the counter and pulled out the butcher knife. It seemed as if my body wasn’t my own; however, I didn’t object to anything that They were doing to it. Gripping the butcher knife in my hand, I sidled to the door, trying my best to be soundless. The mahogany door creaked when I opened it, but my parents didn’t stir. When I was as close to their bed as was necessary, I peered at my mother’s peacefully sleeping face. I raised the knife and thrust down, but when it was only centimeters from her heart she spoke.
“Val. So sweet. So beautiful. My love,” she said. Sighing, she rolled to face my father. She did love me. They had lied to me. I swung around and tried to stab Them. As the knife hit cloth, I realized that They were made of nothing. The only part of Them I was able to see was Their gleaming eyes.
Why are you not killing them, Valerie?
“You lied to me. I won’t do it.” All of a sudden an enormous pressure filled my head and pressed on my brain. A cool hand wrapped around my neck and started to strangle me. My eyes bulged and my tongue started to swell. In my state of desperation, I had dropped the knife, so I picked it back up and crawled to my mother’s side. Shutting my eyes, I thrust downward and heard her startled scream. As it pierced the air, I reached over and did the same to my father before he could fully awake. When the job was done, a smattering of claps burst in my brain, and the cold hand disappeared. Sobs erupted from my mouth as I cradled my mother’s corpse.
Good job, Valerie. You are now one of us.
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I rubbed my eyes and sat up in my cell. They always planted that memory in my dreams when something important was going to happen that day. That day last year when They came and got me was horrific, but I learned to stop feeling. I gave up everything: my family, my name, my home, my entire life. I had killed many people since then, and I’ve never felt bad about it. That familiar feeling of someone watching me returned, but I was so used to it; it was like someone was actually in the room with me.
No one to kill today, Reaper. They had gotten into a habit of calling me that since They learned how fearless and heartless I was when it came to killing.
“You mean that I have to sit in my cell all day?” I whined.
Not exactly. We have something for you.
“What is it? A dead puppy?” I asked sarcastically.
No. It is a person. His name is-
“I don’t care what his name is. Either bring him in or use him as a test monkey in your headquarters.” They swept away and came back instantly. A scrawny boy, who couldn’t have been more than thirteen, stood in front of Them. Even though They were just floating, he was shaking with terror.
We had to literally force his hand to get him to kill his parents. He is weak. We want you to train him to be like you. There was very little light in my cell, but I could see the pale white hand that stuck out towards me.
“They told me your name is Valerie.”
“My name is Reaper,” I growled. How dare They make me work with him?
“I’m Aiden. What do we do here?” He leaned in closer. “Are you Their prisoner?”
“So your name is Grim. That sure is a nice name. Anyway, we kill people, and I’m definitely not Their prisoners. You might be, but there is nowhere else I’d rather be. This is my home,” I said gesturing to the cold bricks.
“My name is A-”
“I said it’s Grim,” I hissed. I stood up, and before he knew what was happening the blade of my favorite knife was up against his throat. The cold metal pushed against his warm flesh and it broke the skin as if it were butter. I could’ve easily killed him, but They were watching our altercation. I didn’t want to be punished for killing the newbie, so I only cut deep enough to draw a small amount of blood compared to what it could have been. His blood was sticky and warm as it dripped on my hands and through my fingers. He struggled to get away, so I dropped him on the ground. “You don’t know anything about this life, and I do. Now get up so we can go on your mission.” I kicked him in the ribs as he scrambled to his feet and stood as far from me as possible in my dark, dank cell. Rolling my eyes, I wrapped my hand around his wrist and I dragged him towards Them. “Let’s go kill somebody.” They opened up my cell door, and I pushed Grim through it. “Today’s my day off, so I’m not going to help you.” I grabbed one of the smallest but no less deadly guns from the armory.
“B-but I need your help. I can’t kill anyone.”
“Well you better start learning since I’m pretty sure we’re in for eternity.” I leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “They make you immortal while you sleep,” I said, only disclosing a small piece of the truth.
“We can’t die?”
“Like I know. It’s not like They talk. We’re ready to go,” I shouted. When nothing happened I grumbled, “What do you have to do to get a decent transporter these days?” One of Them appeared in front of Grim, and he screeched like a small child. I looked in his eyes and slapped him. “Get a grip; we’re going to go kill someone, and you’re afraid of eyes and a robe.” I turned to our transporter. “Couldn’t you have gotten me someone a bit more ruthless?”
You will have what we give you. I rolled my eyes and readied myself for transportation.
“This is going to hurt.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt millions of points of pain coursing through my body like someone was stabbing me over and over again. I clamped my lips together to make sure I didn’t scream, but Grim made no such attempt. I sadistically chuckled at his pain. Hopefully it would toughen him up. When the giggle had dissipated, I stumbled into the house of Grim’s assignment.
“Grim get your bony butt over here,” I demanded. He skittered over to me like a frightened puppy. I shoved the smooth, black gun into his hand and said, “Take this and kill the man in the back room.” I had heard his deep guffaws coming from the room at the end of the hall. He handed the gun back to me.
“I-I-” His words choked off when I pushed the gun’s barrel into his chest. My finger teased the trigger, and I could feel his heartbeat pulsate against it.
“Either you pull this trigger on him, or I pull it on you.” His fingers fumbled as he tried to snatch it away from me. When it was firmly in his grasp, he stalked towards the back room. The bang of a gun, which was as sweet to me as a child’s lullaby, sprang through the air. A stifled sob promptly followed, and I ran into the room. A heavy set man had the gun poised on Grim’s temple. The bullet hole was not in the man, but in his TV set. “Aw, Grim. I thought you killed him.” The man swung to me and aimed the gun at my chest. I quirked my eyebrow and smirked.
“I’m not afraid to use this; not even on a little girl.”
“Go on, then. Shoot me. It won’t be the first time,” I scoffed. He paused as he processed my words. That one moment of hesitation made him more vulnerable than a newborn baby. I pounced on him and grabbed the gun from his hands. I had him in the same position that he had held Grim. “I’m not a little girl. I’m the Reaper,” and with that I shot him in the head. I nonchalantly turned around and waited for the transport back. The familiar pain racked my body until I landed in my cell. “I just killed someone on my first day off. Way to go, Grim,” I mockingly clapped. The tears glistening on his cheeks did nothing to soften my demeanor. “Killing always wears me out. I’m ready to go to bed now,” I told Them. I could feel the utter lethargy and weariness come over me. Grim slipped under my arm and laid his head on my shoulder, but I couldn’t do anything about it because of Their mind control abilities.
“I’m sorry, Reaper. I tried really hard, but I’m not as good as you.”
“Shut up and quit being so sweet,” I yawned. “You’re making it hard for me to hate you.” My heavy eyelids slid closed right before I lost consciousness.
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When I woke up, Grim was still tucked into the crook of my arm. I shook him, so he would get up before They came to give us our missions. The vermillion eyes appeared when he gained coherency.
This is your mission today, Reaper. I reached out and took the oddly small document from his hand. It was a picture of my old family; the face of my little sister was circled. Either she becomes one of us, or you kill her. Although my feelings to my family were close to nonexistent, the weight that had just been set upon my shoulders was stifling. My decision was simple. After all of the time with no family but Them, I knew I would bring her to be one of us.
“She’s coming with us.”
You have made your decision quickly. Are you sure that you chose wisely?
“I chose what I wanted, alright?” They knew to let me be. “Take me to wherever she is.” The transportation was so fast I couldn’t remember feeling the pain. Grim walked close behind me; a quiet shadow copying my every move. My sister walked straight past me, but with a double take she whisked around and jumped into my arms.
“Val! I’ve missed you so much,” she said between kisses. “Where have you been?” Her hair was caked with dirt, and her clothes were grimy and ripped. That’s when I noticed a plaque on the wall that said Ontario’s cleanest orphanage.
“We’re going to go where I live now. Is that okay with you, Jess?” She nodded, and I grabbed her hand. “I’m ready t-” A sharp pain ripped through my right lung, making me choke on my words. I fell to the ground as my own blood dripped through my lips. Grim grabbed Jess’s hand and stood over me. His eyes glinted menacingly; his teeth were bared like a wild animal.
“I am the Reaper, now,” he barked. I chuckled at his ignorance once he teleported back to headquarters. If only he had listened closely. If only he knew what They would do to him when They learned that I would be decommissioned for a few days. If only he knew how sweet my revenge would be.

This was really good I loved it (partly because in a story I'm working two people are called Grim, and Reaper too.)

You have really good description when it comes down to it. I liked how you described Grim how at first he was a cute innocent little kid that didn't want to kill, but then turns around to be a heartless killer like Reaper.

I also how you show how much Reaper changes over time how at first she doesn't want to kill like Grim at first, but then she goes all ruthless killer that feels no pain. I adore the part when you bring her sister into it, you show how she still has ties to humanity.

It's to hard for me to single out a part that was my favorite, because I like the whole thing, but the end was one of the best parts.

Mainly, because at the end when Grim kills Reaper and then becomes the new Reaper is the cherry on top. Through the whole thing I had a thought that might happen, but pushed it away, because it's hard to kill the main character and still have a good story. But you pulled it off like it was nothing. I think your try at a short story was a major success!
I hope to see more of your work around.

Come to us, Valerie, a deep, hypnotic voice reverberated in my head pushing my own thoughts out. We need you, Valerie.

Where the character hears the voice you might want to put it in quotation marks or italics so it's a bit more easier to point out if she was hearing it rather then guessing.


Good story, pretty well-developed characters. Not really my type of stories but it was enjoyable...uh, now, at the beginning it says something about being immoral in dreams? Is this all a dream or what? I am a bit confused when it comes to that...

It was an interesting story and totally original which originality is something hard to find now-a days. Sometimes I wonder if authors will run out of ideas for stories, lol. That would be horrible. Anyways, found like one grammatical error, or a couple but it was more like a nit pick!

I'm curious to read on, make a second part!

Logan. xLogan's xTravagant Reviews.

You have written an excellent introduction in my book. What books are you reading? I am sure you are reading Dean Koontz or the King, because your intro was bestseller worthy. I though what followed dragged a bit though...

rubbed my eyes and sat up in my cell. They always planted that memory in my dreams when something important was going to happen that day. That day last year when They came and got me was horrific, but I learned to stop feeling. I gave up everything: my family, my name, my home, my entire life. I had killed many people since then, and I’ve never felt bad about it. That familiar feeling of someone watching me returned, but I was so used to it; it was like someone was actually in the room with me.

After this point I was a little board. The following paragraphs struck me as a bit generic for my taste. I think you have great potential, I don't think the tail of your story highlighted your talents. Please keep writing and prove me wrong young suspense prodigy.

Hey there! Sorry that this wasn't done yesterday, by the way, but hey!

Ok, so nitpicks first!

Well, my first nitpick would basically be your first part with Reaper. The start is the place where the reader needs to connect with her slightly, otherwise it doesn't have the same effect that it could have. My problem with the start is that you've basically told us what is happening, but the reader isn't feeling any emotions along with Valerie.
An example would be:

“Val. So sweet. So beautiful. My love,” she said. Sighing, she rolled to face my father. She did love me. They had lied to me. I swung around and tried to stab Them. As the knife hit cloth, I realized that They were made of nothing. The only part of Them I was able to see was Their gleaming eyes.

Here there is no transition at all from her previously "controlled" state and her new one where she's taken control of her own body. We want to hear about her emotions, know more about what she is feeling.

and:

My eyes bulged and my tongue started to swell. In my state of desperation, I had dropped the knife, so I picked it back up and crawled to my mother’s side. Shutting my eyes, I thrust downward and heard her startled scream. As it pierced the air, I reached over and did the same to my father before he could fully awake.

Again, there's nothing to describe how she feels in the point of losing control again. It just happens quickly, and the reader is slightly left behind.

When it was firmly in his grasp, he stalked towards the back room.

Would he really stalk? It suddenly seems a littleout of character.

A heavy set man had the gun poised on Grim’s temple. The bullet hole was not in the man, but in his TV set. “Aw, Grim. I thought you killed him.” The man swung to me and aimed the gun at my chest. I quirked my eyebrow and smirked.
“I’m not afraid to use this; not even on a little girl.”

Here I think it might be nice if you described the man a little bit. Not so much what he looks like, but more his body language and expressions.

A sharp pain ripped through my right lung, making me choke on my words. I fell to the ground as my own blood dripped through my lips. Grim grabbed Jess’s hand and stood over me. His eyes glinted menacingly; his teeth were bared like a wild animal.
“I am the Reaper, now,” he barked. I chuckled at his ignorance once he teleported back to headquarters. If only he had listened closely. If only he knew what They would do to him when They learned that I would be decommissioned for a few days. If only he knew how sweet my revenge would be.

This just goes a little fast for me. I love it, I love the idea and how you've phrased it, but I think that it should be expanded slightly so that the reader does get the sense of finality at the end. I think I've got this right, it's a short story so this is the ending? If it is, then you'll want to spend a little more time on it just to round the whole thing off. If it isn't, and there's more to come, then you should be fine.
But more emotion here would be quite nice.


Overall:
I really enjoyed this! It was different, interesting and kept me hooked right until the end. Your writing style is pretty cool, and your idea is just awesome.
One thing I would say, however, is that you need to work on making the story really connect to the reader properly. This means more emotion and description for your characters, it's hard for a reader to understant them if the writer leaves too much unsaid. I'd also work on expanding some ideas so that they're fully developed and reach their potential.

But lovely work, hope that I helped!

~Amy

Grammatical Errors

You have some minor grammatical errors involving punctuation, I'll give you some examples from your story.

Come to us, Valerie, a deep, hypnotic voice reverberated in my head pushing my own thoughts out. We need you, Valerie.

This should read: Come to us, Valerie. A deep, hypnotic voice reverberated in my head, pushing my own thoughts out. We need you, Valerie. A tip is to read through everything, and where ever you take a breath needs either a comma or a period. Overall, however, your punctuation seems to be pretty good.

You have some incorrect phrasing as well, (haha, that's what I'm gonna call it). For example, you say:

All of a sudden an enormous pressure filled my head and pressed on my brain.

Instead, this should read: All of the sudden, an enormous pressure filled my head and pressed against my brain. My main point in this edit is that "all of a sudden" is incorrect, it should be "all of the sudden". As you can see, this paragraph also has minor punctuation errors, and I edited your word choice a bit.

There are also some errors with tense, when you skip between past and present tense. Past tense is like: I walked, I ran, I sang. Present tense is: I walk, I run, I sing. In this sentence:

I had killed many people since then, and I’ve never felt bad about it

, you switched tenses. "I had" is past tense, whereas "I've" (I have) is present tense. You must commit to one or the other. Since the rest of your story is written in past tense, the sentence should read: I had killed many people since then, and I had (I'd) never felt bad about it.


Word Choice

A billowing black robe covered the entity that had spoken to my thoughts.

. In this sentence, the word "entity" does not work.

Either bring him in or use him as a test monkey in your headquarters.

This entire sentence is just really dumb. Especially the use of the words "headquarters" and "test monkey".

Again, in this sentence:

I didn’t want to be punished for killing the newbie

, the use of the word "newbie" is not appropriate.

That’s when I noticed a plaque on the wall that said Ontario’s cleanest orphanage.

I don't know if this is supposed to be funny, but it's not. It also should be in quotation marks.


Characterization

Valerie/Reaper You do nothing to show how she was before she was transformed into a reaper, but that's fine, considering it really isn't a big part of the story.

Aiden/Grim You did a good job of showing the transition between the sweet, little boy and the mindless killer. However, I feel the change between the two is too sudden. In just one section, Aiden is:

still tucked into the crook of my arm

, and moments later,

His eyes glinted menacingly; his teeth were bared like a wild animal.

This is far too quick of a transition. It leaves the reader confused.


Plot
Who/what are "They"? What is their purpose? Why do they kill? Where do they get their magic from? Are they killing for bad, or for good? Do they kill certain people, or is it all random? This should have been explained. Oh, and where is "headquarters"?

There is no clear plot. There's no story, no clear beginning, middle end. In fact, a plot summary would be: Some creatures kidnap children and make them kill people. What's the conflict? The resolution? The rising action? Your story lacks all of this.

The ending. I think it's supposed to be a cliffhanger, but honestly the reader has no idea what is going to happen to Aiden/Grim. Nor do they care. It's just kind of like, "what the heck?" I was honestly surprised that it ended like that.


Overall
This was entertaining to read. The ending, lack of plot, and lack of details leaves the reader questioning, but the idea is cool enough to keep them reading, plus the fact that it is, for the most part, very well written.

3/5 stars
PM for questions
Cheers,
-Lena