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Masters, Padawans, and Mysteries- a Clone Wars tale



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Fri Oct 16, 2009 1:20 am
brassnbridle says...



This is being co-written by me and my cousin and has yet to be completed, but here's the first chapter!

I sighed, gazing at the city around me. Hopefully Cody will have secured a transport for us to get back to Corasant on. Our own ship had a broken hyperdrive, and not many were eager to transport a Jedi with a squad of six clones.
The city was peaceful and prosperous, mixed beings of all forms going about their business. I glad to be back in my Jedi robes; they got little use in this time of war. I was looking forward to a time of quiet reflection and meditation, during the lull in the war. My comlink flashed.
“General Kenobi,” came Cody’s voice.
“Yes, commander,” I answered, touching the button.
“We’ve found a transport willing to take us in a quarter of an hour,” he reported.
“All right, I’ll be there,” I told him. “Good work.” I turned and headed back towards the docking bay. Jedi Temple, here I come, I thought.

Blaster fire rang out, soon droned out by the screams of terror of the city folk as everyone stampeded to get away. All except me, of course; I was fighting to get to the shooting. The Force led me to a back alleyway. There stood two humanoid people, one with blue skin.
The lady with blue skin was holding a blaster towards a red-haired human, who was panting for breath. Black scars on the concrete behind him gave proof to the fired shots.
“You can not leave now,” the blue lady said in a soft voice. “You can not let word of the KIF get out- the Jedi must never find out about us.”
“I-” the man started, but never finished. The blue lady leveled the gun at him and fired. I sneaked up quietly. The guy was undoubtedly dead. I frowned. K-I-F. Probably an abbreviation- for something so secret it was worth killing over. If they didn’t want the Jedi to know, it couldn’t be legal.
Laser bolts lanced out at me. I ducked easily; dodging fire was something I did a great deal of these days. In a second I had my lightsaber lit and sent three bolts into the concrete. There was a shocked gasp and the firing stopped. I hurried toward the sound just in time to see a small figure turn the next corner.
She wasn’t easy to follow, but thanks to my agility and the Force, I managed to track her without her knowing it. The blue lady stopped in a corner. I couldn’t see without being seen, but waiting around the corner gave me a perfect listening post. There was a knocking sound, then,
“Is he taken care of?” A deep voice asked. A watchman, I guessed.
“Yes,” the blue lady said softly. “But… a Jedi found the body. I think I gave him the slip a while back, though.”
“Good. If the Jedi ever found out what we’re doing with those crystals…” the man left the end unsaid, and there was a tense pause.
“He could not have followed,” she assured him.
“Very well. This is unfortunate, but not bad. I think it is time to retreat to Mentol,” the deep voice rumbled. A door opened and closed, and I heard a lock sliding shut.
I didn’t move, thinking. This didn’t sound good, and my instinct told me it was much worse than what it appeared. I could try to follow them further, but odds were that I would only have to fight my way out and learn nothing. But, if they were clearing out, I could follow them to Mentol, wherever that was…
Slow down, I told myself. This wasn’t my mission. I was supposed to be headed to the Temple for a break away from missions. Frowning, I decided to contact Yoda.
“Trouble this is,” Yoda agreed. “Found a plot you have, Kenobi. Follow this you must,” he instructed, then cut the communication.
“Drat,” I said to myself. A Jedi’s work is never done.

Our pilot was not eager to take us to the outer rim instead of the capital, but agreed. Within a few hours we were landing on the forest and swamp-covered surface of a small planet named Mentol. Satisfied we’d be able to breathe outdoors, we left the docking bay and headed into the city.
At first sight, I thought it was just a small town. Then I realized that there was no man-made clearing for the city- it was built right into the brown trees themselves. After noticing this, I realized it was quite a large establishment. The natives were Tortonians- beings I had only heard of, but never seen. Mostly human-looking, they had chocolate brown skin and dark or black hair, shorter in height than the average human. Short, twisted horns poked through their hair above their ears, and they had small, black eyes.
But luckily there were enough humans and others for us not to be noticed. The clones and I poked about the city for a while, getting our bearings. Just when I was about to give up hope, I felt a sudden urge from the Force to return to the docking bay.
“Wait here,” I told Cody, then slipped back to the bay. Inside, I heard voices. Heading for them, I caught sight of a dark-skinned man in a blue mechanic’s uniform shutting the door to a cargo hold. Talking to him was…
The blue lady!
“Get this shipment to Hoth immediately,” she told him quietly. “Just in case anyone decides to look too closely at us.”
“Like that Jedi you tried to kill?” the man sneered, then jumped up the ramp and took off. I sighed. The plot thickened yet again. Time to enlist help.

I pushed the button on my hologram. Ashoka appeared, a tired look on her face. “Ashoka, I half expected you to be locked up by now,” I told her, smiling slightly as I said it. “Is Anakin there? I need to speak to you two.”
“Just a minute, Master Kenobi,” she said, then disappeared. It was several minutes before Anakin and his padawan reappeared in my hologram.
“Good thing it wasn’t an emergency,” I commented dryly. “Anakin, you two are near Hoth, aren’t you?”
“Eh, yes Master,” my former padawan answered, a wary look crossing his face.
“I need you to go there. There’s some sort of undercover crime ring-”
“Must you always stumble over these, Master?” Anakin asked in exasperation.
“At least I can keep my nose out of trouble for five minutes,” I pointed out. “Anyway, these people are willing to kill rather than be found out by the Jedi. I was hoping you to could poke around Hoth a bit, and see if you could find anything out about the K-I-F.”
“Alright, Master, we’ll look into it,” Anakin agreed.
“Thank you. But for once, Anakin, keep it discreet. I can’t come running if you two get yourselves in a tangled mess,” I warned them. “May the Force be with you, my former padawan.”
“May the Force be with you, too, Master,” Anakin returned. I cut the communication and headed for the inn.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Wed Oct 21, 2009 4:41 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Is this set in the same time as that new Star Wars the Clone Wars show? I've seen some of them so this caught my interest. My brother (let's call him Bob. Not his real name) knows way more about Star Wars than I do so I got him to give his opinion too.
“We’ve found a transport willing to take us in a quarter of an hour,” he reported.

Bob said that clones use military time when they talk. However since I don't know what it would be for this I can't make any further suggestions.

The characters are accurate. You did a good job of keeping their personalities the way they're supposed to be. Even the humor is in line with the actual characters.

I'd love to read more of this. Keep writing and post more soon! :o
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Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:14 am
Storm_Bringer says...



Hey, thanks for posting in my thread! So here I am! ^___^

Okay... So, StarWars... Uh, I don't watch TV much so I've only seen a few so I might not be much help but I'll do my best!

First thing first! D-e-t-a-i-l-s!!! It's super important that you put more in so that someone who doesn't know StarWars that well can read/understand it too. So, explain a bit more on the city, the things they fly on and stuff like that. I mean, I get the gist of it but I can't really fully grasp what you are saying (though this is just my fault, so sorry!). I think it'd help a lot if you explain what everything means and all that. Also in the beginning I was a bit confused on who you character was. But after a while I figured it out so no worries.
~~~
Another thing is your character needs more feeling. I mean, he sees someone get shot and he feels nothing? You could also put more confusion in what the K-I-F is and whats it about and so on. Also I noticed you used tired and wary when you described Anakin and Ashoka. I'm wondering why you wrote it that way so perhaps you can expand on that.
~~~
It's pretty good so far but like I said add more details because it's going pretty fast! Perhaps make some trouble to the other planet or make him search a while until he finds the blue lady. Oh, yeah, you could describe the people more. I mean what about the blue lady, other than she's blue? And what about the guy she talks to ? And the dead guy? What happens to him? Does he just disintegrate? What do they look like, how do they act? These are all just some simple stuff to describe people. Try to make us envision the characters!
~~~

Overall it was a nice story. Add more details and depth and you're good to go! Keep writing!

<3 Stormy!
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
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Sun Dec 06, 2009 3:53 pm
Jenthura says...



I sighed, gazing at the city around me. Hopefully Cody will have secured a transport for us to get back to Corasant on.


First of all, you change the tense of the verb from past (sighed) to future perfect (will have secured)...or, at least, I think that's future perfect. Anyway, it needs to be changed. Also, you spelled Corasant: it should be Coruscant.
That's all that leaped out at me from the first glance. But I'm sure there were many other incorrect verb tenses throughout the story.
Fix it up and Keep Writing!
~Jenth
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Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:57 pm
LordLoredaen says...



All-in-all, good story! You seem to know what you're talking about, which is always a good thing when writing a fanfic.

Ok, on to critiques:

Jedi Temple, here I come, I thought.

I personally could never see General Obi-Wan Kenobi ever thinking like this....just doesn't quite fit his personality.
“Drat,” I said to myself.

Kenobi says "drat"? That's a truly American word, and Kenobi is a British-based character.
But luckily there were enough humans and others for us not to be noticed.

Not noticing a bunch of clones in full armour?? That's a hard thing to do, mate!
I pushed the button on my hologram.

Ok, two things here: 1. I think it should be "a", not "the". 2. The hologram is the blue flickering image you see. You see it with a hand-held holoprojector (not a hologram!).
It was several minutes before Anakin and his padawan reappeared in my hologram.

How about insead of "in my hologram", you try "in the holographic image" or something like that.
“Must you always stumble over these, Master?” Anakin asked in exasperation.

I love this! That's Anakin, all right!
I cut the communication and headed for the inn.

Inn, what inn? You never mentioned any inn!

Ok, that's just about all for my critiques. Good stuff, hope you continue it!
Though, I have to say personally I didn't really like it that it was in first person... but that's just me.

Write on, and may the Force be with you!
~LordLoredaen
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")
  





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Sat Dec 12, 2009 10:25 pm
brassnbridle says...



Thanks for the replies, everyone. My computer's been down for a while, so my yws work has gone untouched, but I plan on getting back to it now that I have a working computer. Thanks for the help!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:01 am
empressoftheuniverse says...



Ahh, this is so overdue. And due to my incredible slowness/ complete ignorance for the star wars and clone wars movies ( I watched them but... i dont know, I'm more of a lord of the rings person I guess) I had a hard time keeping up. Which is sad for me but really means nothing for you, since fanfiction lives in this weird set of rules that allow your writing to be a little more opaque, and you can get away with assuming that the people reading your work know at least a little, since they are probably fellow fans. OF course, as a writer you should always strive for clarity but as a person writing fanfiction; it goes without saying that someone probably wouldnt read this unless they were a fan.
So you have two options- one is to tighten up your writing a little using mostly the nitpicks above, focus a lot on dialogue-- because that is where you can improve the most and thats where both Star Wars and the movie Clone Wars were pretty strong, or
You can try to write this like you were the one who invented star wars, and no one knows anything about the subject. Sure, you don't have to recount luke's training and go over every minute detail of how the force works but you do have to pretend like they dont know what the war is about, what the stakes are or who a large bulk of these people are.
That is obviously the much harder route, so the first option is your likely choice. Just keep in mind that some people, like me, are terribly versed in these worlds and you may be overwhelming us.

For the most part, it was fast-paced and nicely written, and I have no complaints on that level.
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