Young Writers Society

Hey.

I really need your opinions and reviews to improve this piece from here.
The main thing i am worried about is the beginning as i just changed the whole first paragraph.

I hope you enjoy it and thanks.

EDITED ADDITION:The two sentences in red below. Whats your opinion? Keep them? Modify them. Or remove them?
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Prologue

Shivers skittered along my shoulder-blades as I leapt from one roof to the next. I prayed silently that I’d make it as I didn’t have breathe to spare on such luxuries. Not like anything divine was listening down here anyway. Cardeth’s slimy, malevolent streets slunk passed as I ran, their façade transparent to my experienced eyes. Living on these streets has long since removed the carefully placed veil of a ‘holy city’. Cardeth is a monument to no god; a deity, yes, but no god.
Baggy, coal black trousers restricted my well honed ability to avoid the daily crisis, surviving the night scarred and scathed yet innocent. Un-christened in the horrors I barely escaped too often. My calloused feet flashed with dull pain each time they slapped against the tiled rooftops. Behind me, too close behind me, male laughter reached forward, nearly drowned out by the screaming roar of life in hell. Despite the early hours, Cardeth didn’t sleep. Cardeth never slept.
I could see Maeth now, the poorest part of the city. My haven. The tiles there are too thin to hold any of the big guys, and the smaller ones stopped coming for us after Barry’s body had turned up eyeless. I didn’t do it. But they didn’t know that and if I played my cards right, rigged the deck and practised my cold blooded killer face, they never would.
“We’re gonna get you this time baby. You’ll enjoy it. Promise.” I could hear the smirk in his tone.
“Come any closer and I’ll enjoy stabbing your eyes out too”, my voice was much higher pitch than usual, betraying my fear.
He was right; I wasn’t going to make it. Four years of running and I wasn’t going to make it. I leapt from rooftop to rooftop as several sets of lungs laboured behind me, drawing ever closer. My back and shoulders itched and tingled. No man had been within two metres of me for four years; it must be like an allergic reaction or something. The fear swelled between my breasts bedeviling my rational mind. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as panic set in and I split from my normal route to Maeth heading towards Sumian, the historical district. I never entered the crucible of Sumian, sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single storey making for easy travelling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before it’s shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul.
If you were paying attention anyway.

Cardeth’s historical district stretched up into the immeasurable night. The buildings little more than old ghosts against the un-marred darkness. I reached the cusp of Sumian more rapidly than expected. Tiles turned to stone, chimneys to chipped feet where all manner of ornamental fixtures stood in ages past. I continued beyond the outskirts into the deserted heart of Cardeth’s history. Dust mingled with sweat, plastering my short, amber waves against my neck. I rushed on, vaulting into building after antiquated building using old mason’s sharp handiwork to drag myself up the rough, weathered stone. The echoes of pursuit faded as, panting with muscles on the verge of explosion, I heaved myself onto an immense roof. This was the highest I’d ever been; exhilaration sparked but failed to catch, dampened by the sickening fear.
My heart slowed as panic faded and despite the agony in my muscles, the scrapes, bruises, bleeding fingers and the incessant itch in my back which had somehow acquired pins and needles, glanced behind me. Four silhouettes retreated against the glare from Cardeth’s kaleidoscopic patchwork of lamps. They reached the edge of Sumian just as strong, smothering wind surged over the roof thrusting me forwards. I wavered on the precipice of life, or at-least an end to it, for not a moment but a stretch of eternity and fear before I threw myself backwards and staggered into dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.

'Ello, 'ello.

Firstly: wow, this is a great improvement on the other version I read. I actually found myself willing the main character to get away and really getting into it!! Was rather upset when it ended and I'm incredibly curious about this silence she has fallen(?) into.

The only sour note is it reads like it could do with another edit because a few things aren't as tight as they could be; for instance the threat of cutting out the persuers eyes doesn't strike me as necessary. It's like it was just added to reiterate her fear when the reader already knows she is scared.

Other then that I think it's great, something I could really immerse myself in!

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I will definitely be writing more:D.

Yea I'm not so sure about that specific line either. I don't like it, but I want something to show shes actually has a backbone or is at-least willing to say something back. I need to think on this.

Also any other specific areas you think need 'tightening'/improvement?

Oh I realised something else I was kind of confused about (ignore my scattered thoughts at the moment, am not too with it xD):

why was she so unprepared ? I mean it struck me as odd that someone who seemed so use to that city, and its dangerous ways, that she would be caught so unprepared. No shoes? And baggy pants, what was she doing!? Erm, though I may just be reading too much into it and perhaps you just did that in order to create tension and suspense?

Just thought I'd point it out in any event.

Thanks , and i totally understand being

not to with it

sometimes. Seriously, you have no idea.

Anyway, It's because shes homeless. Which you find out in the first chapter which i am still writing. (Right now to be honest ) However you make a good point, perhaps i could work that into the prologue.

That makes so much more sense now, I kinda thought perhaps it was something like that but yer maybe hint at it I suppose, personally I like to keep people all: wtf!? But I suppose thats not such a good thing xD

Either way its still entertaining !!!

Oooh, I saw your username and thought I knew you from somewhere! I remember reading this one. I've had a look back at the older edit and I can see you've changed it substantially; that's great to see you paying attention to crits. I struggle with it myself.

Anyway, I think this'll just be a net for those irritating typos/grammar/punctuation errors that slipped through your editing, because I think I'd have to pretty heartless to pick this apart again. Though reading through it, I don't think it needs it anyway.

I didn’t have breathe

Typo here. Should be "breath".

Cardeth

Ah, name change as I suggested. I think it works well.

EDITED ADDITION:The two sentences in red below. Whats your opinion? Keep them? Modify them. Or remove them?

Living on these streets has long since removed the carefully placed veil of a ‘holy city’. Cardeth is a monument to no god; a deity, yes, but no god.

You need to stop panicking about anything you say that might be hard for the reader to understand, easy for them to miss, whatever. I think you should keep those two sentences; I could have a guess about what they're about, though I'd end up taking them fairly literally - basically, the reader gets the idea that Cardeth sucks, don't they? Whether they can read into it further or not is irrelevent at this point.

“Come any closer and I’ll enjoy stabbing your eyes out too”, my voice was much higher pitch than usual, betraying my fear.

Should be as follows. "Come any closer and I'll enjoy stabbing your eyes too." My voice was a much higher pitch than usual, betraying my fear. "My voice" is a new sentence, so therefore needs the capital. Also, punctuation should be inside the speech marks.

it must be like an allergic reaction or something.

I'd change this to the following. It was like an allergic reaction. Don't use "must be" - it's awkward - and "or something" at the end sounds immature.

The fear swelled between my breasts bedeviling my rational mind.

Comma after "breasts", and I would change "bedeviling" to "betraying".

before it’s shadowy fingers

its = possessive and it's = it is. This should be "its".

Cardeth’s historical district stretched up into the immeasurable night. The buildings little more than old ghosts against the un-marred darkness.

All one sentence, so comma instead of a full stop. And what is "un-marred" exactly?

I reached the cusp of Sumian more rapidly than expected.

Change "more rapidly" to "faster"; it flows better.

I rushed on, vaulting into building after antiquated building using old mason’s sharp handiwork to drag myself up the rough, weathered stone.

Get rid of the comma after "rough" and put it after the second "building" instead, I think.

Dust mingled with sweat, plastering my short, amber waves against my neck.

This is going to sound contradictory, but cut the comma here. It's to do with appearance more than grammar, as the reader sees "plastering my short" as a separate clause, and then trips up. By the reader, I mean me, having got up a few hours too early, so take it as you please.

They reached the edge of Sumian just as strong, smothering wind surged over the roof thrusting me forwards.

Commas again feel misplaced. I had to read twice. I still think you need one after "roof", but I'm not sure about the one after "strong".

Okay, I'm struggling to find things to nitpick at, which is great, so I'll stop before I start pointing out that I don't like the typeface or something.

My main point is still with commas. You've put them in, but not always in the right places. You don't always need one after each adjective, if you're using two, and sometimes you miss them elsewhere. Did you read aloud? If you did, I can only say that it takes practice. You will get back into the habit of commas and eventually will get used to putting them in again, but for now you're doing pretty well. This is a good read; I'd move on after you've got all the crits on this edit and come back to it later if you feel you need to.

- Jet.

Thanks for the fantastic reviews

Un-marred means flawless or perfect, in fact i might change it to one of those as un-marred isn't exactly common.
I've gone over everything and am still contemplating changing 'Maeth' to something better.
I'm going to move onto my first chapter now and get a draft of that completed before posting anything else on YWS.

Thanks again!!!