Young Writers Society

do not fall too far, fast
and sink in black dirt
i know it's soft, but
________ i love
it drowns you.

____ you

we planted our seedling in the ground, waiting, wishing
for one shoot to peek through the dead leaves
(anger delusion untruth) and show itself to the light;
bloom and wondering whether,
maybe,
our petals would smell like
your cologne; like
spring nights
and meadows
and safety.

but, nothing.
and nothing,
and soon enough
those three words became

___________ __ don't think we should be together anymore.

and we split into you and i, because you gave up and i
i could have stayed longer and watched the weeds take over.

Hey Marzipan ^^ I decided to face your alien space guns are review this poem xD

I. Nitpicks

do not fall too far, fast
and sink into black dirt

I feel like the second line needs more or less. After "into" you'd need "the" or take out "to" so it's in"

"and sink in black dirt"
"and sink into the black dirt."

Overall:

Lovely poem, Marz ^^ But the this part bugged me--

maybe,
our petals would smell like
your cologne.

There's so much beautiful imagery everywhere else, but this. His cologne.

First, if it's both the narrator and the guy, it wouldn't be just His cologne, it would have to have a piece of the narrator two.

And second, the cologne. Its scent? What does it smell like?
Is this smell important? Why is it important?

The other thing is the last two lines:

and we split into you and i, because you gave up and i
i could have stayed longer and watched the weeds take over

"Because you gave up" is past tense, and it happened already
"I could have" was a possibility, but it didn't happen, so it can't really be because.

Did the narrator stay? Or was it a possibility she had?

Just a few things fuzzy But great imagery. Just need to kick in some scents in here.

-Shina