Unclaimed [2]

A/N: Reviews will be much apreciated. Please, read the prologue and chapter one first, or you'll have a bad time catching up ;)

Unclaimed
Chapter 2 – Morning
By Kat

“Have you told him? Has he seen her?” The voice asked Jared, over the phone.
“No,” Jared said, determinately.
“Good. Then, don’t say anything until I get there,” Cedric Rimmer, Melanie’s father, hung up on Jared. He had been away; it would take him two to three days to get there – to the Rimmer mansion.
Jared continued walking back and forth, in front of Mel’s bedroom. What can I do? Their reunion played like a carrousel in his head, never giving him a minute to rest. He remembered everything too clearly. Everything before she disappeared. They were so crazy in love! She made him want to wake up and call her, only to know what she wouldn’t stop telling him: it was love.
It was as if Jared was guarding the door, from whom it was quite obvious. Alex could not know. Alex had only showed up once, and found Jared doing right what he was doing now, walking, silently.
“Why are you here?” He had asked, lifting a brow, suspiciously.
“What? Am I not allowed to visit, anymore?” The anymore sounded wrong, as if it was due to Melanie. He quickly added, “Your father asked me to keep an eye on you, remember?”
“Yes, you make sure I don’t forget,” he snorted. “But I mean, here.” Alex gave the white door with golden decorations a glance.
Jared, too, glanced at the door, and tried to think of the best way to make Alex go away without ‘blowing the whistle’. He decided to go with a harsh, wounded look, staring into Alex’s eyes.
“Got it, I got it,” he said, raising his hands apologetically and walking away. Jared grinned; Alex was such a good kid.
Melanie woke up, sitting up with her hand reaching for her temple. She had a minor headache, that she was sure would go away soon.
“Wow,” she breathed, while she observed everything around her. “Where the hell am- “she stopped herself, recognizing her old room. Her feet touched the soft carpet, and she waited for the tingly sensation, closing her eyes with too much strength. She waited, but nothing came. Mel stared stupidly at her feet, and then jumped up and down. She was herself again. Every little bit of her body was hers, including her memory. She recalled everything with deserved happiness.
Someone knocked on the door, and she hoped it was either Jared or Alex. Or her father, even. She missed everyone. Her mother would have been worried sick if she hadn’t died when Melanie was six, and Alex only a year and a few months old. They were going to Europe. Edinburgh, she recalled her father telling her. It was her mother’s ultimate destiny, a dream almost came true. They were entering the airport, when her mother remembered she had forgotten her passport in the car. She ran across the street, with the wind throwing her hair in front of her eyes. She couldn’t see much, not even the green car that was coming her away. Melanie shook her head, to let away her father’s telling.
“Come in!” She shouted, making Jared, who was outside, jump in surprise.
“She’s awake…” he whispered. He was freaking out. What to do, what to do? He still loved her. Of course, he still loved her! How could he not? The maid that was preparing to only drop the tray on the desk for when the girl woke up entered the room.
“Sonia!” Melanie called with excitement as soon as she saw the woman walk into her room with a tray in her hands. Obviously, the tray was far more beautiful and expensive than the one in the facility, and the food far better. She had scrambled eggs, two slices of toasts with fine butter, and a glass of freshly made orange juice.
“Nice to have you back, ma’am,” Sonia said, smiling. As soon as she put the tray down on the bed, Melanie jumped up and hugged her tightly. She liked to talk with Sonia. She was the closest maid to her age. Sonia was only four or five years older than Mel.
“Oh, cut the ma’am. I’m not that old,” Mel smirked. Sonia wouldn’t lie to her right? Maybe she could ask her what happened. “Sonia, you’ll tell me everything, right?”
“Yes,” the maid answered, solemnly, with true friendship for the daughter of her master.
“What happened?” Melanie asked, breathing heavily. What had her family and everyone else in her life thought; what had they done to find her?
Sonia seemed to hesitate, considering which words to use. Which words would hurt Melanie the least.
“Hum, well you went missing, and three weeks after, the Police declared you dead. The searches stopped, the interrogations; all had ended. Your father turned to Mr.Levinstrom. Do you remember him? He came to dine, one night, and his wife brought his daughter once, for tea. I think she’s about your age.”
“Hum, yes. I think her name was… Cassandra,” Melanie interrupted Sonia.
“Well, you know how Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Levinstrom went to university together, so they are old friends. They were competing for the partnership of the company where your father is working, and he asked him for help. Even after the police gave up, Mr. Rimmer still hired private detectives and continued with searches. Eventually, as nothing came up, Mr. Levinstrom advised your father, dear master, to stop, since if he continued he would lead us to bankrupcy.”
“What about,” Melanie swallowed loudly; afraid of what would the answer be to her question, “Jared?”
Sonia's face turned pale, and her eyes were filled with the hurt of forgotten memories. Her voice was shaky, as she said, “It was something awful to watch, Miss Rimmer. Awful. The boy was dying, right there, where you sit. He didn’t leave this room for months. He didn’t speak. He didn’t do anything. When he walked out of this room, he smiled. He acted normal, he lived his life, but he never was the same. At the beginning he was like one of the zombies you youngesters watch in those horror movies, but sure with more humanity in him. His eyes were dark, not like the deep blue they were before. You must have noticed, Miss Rimmer. He’s different.”
Tears were streaming from Melanie’s eyes, her gaze was focused on Sonia’s figure, but imagining it. Her heart was so heavy; it seemed like it would drill a hole through her body and fall onto the floor. She cried, sobbing once in a while. “I miss him. But he looked not that bad, yesterday,” Melanie stated, confused.
“He’s been better, Miss. It will be a hard period for him to forget, but he got over it. Moved on.”
Jared moved on? As in dating? Nah, it can't be. He had kissed her, in the facility. It can’t be. It scared Mel the thought of Jared with someone else. She wouldn’t go down without a fight. No, Sir – Jared was hers, and only hers. Melanie dried her tears with the back of her hand, and smiled weakly at Sonia, not wanting to ask anything more. The woman recovered from the telling of the dreadful events, and told, friendilly, to Melanie to eat her breakfast. She scrambled her already scrambled eggs, and took small bites of the toasts, and zipped the orange juice. After she has finished, Sonia got up and was ready to take her tray back to the kitchen.
“Wait. What about Alex? Where is he?”
“I am not allowed to answer, Miss. I’m sorry,” Sonia excused herself, and walked off.
“Thanks, Sonia,” Jared said, as soon as the maid closed the door. “How is she?”
“The usual. You could have taken the tray yourself,” Sonia smiled warmly.
“Wait a minute,” someone shouted, from down the hall. “Why is Sonia carrying an empty tray out of Mel’s room?” Alex sprinted to them, and Sonia left, sneakily as a fox.
“You got it wrong. It was for me to eat,” he said, his voice a cheap lying sound.
“You’re lying,” Alex stated, his voice a deep accusing one. He reached for the door, but Jared was faster and stood in front of it.
“It’s empty.”
Alex eyed Jared. “Is it now?” Can Mel be there? Have they found her? He tried to open the door, but Jared pushed him back, easily. Alex pushed Jared away. If Melanie was there why wouldn’t he let him see his sister?!
“Even though you don’t love her anymore, I still do!” he shouted, opening the white door with one quick move. He didn’t have to do much, since someone on the other side was also opening it.
Melanie stared at Alex with her eyes wide opened, and her breathing accelerated. The boy was the first one to react, jumping to hug her. The top of his head was barely under Melanie’s chin and the boys dark hair tickled her skin; she always felt that when she hugged Alex. She was happy and relieved, when he tightened his arms around her waist, afraid she would slip into thin air and be gone again.
“Alex…” Mel said, exhaling. The boy looked up, his hazel eyes like Mel’s shinning with a little twinkle of happiness. Melanie smiled, with sweetness, and lowered her head, while he continued embracing him. She glanced at Jared, and tried to direct the smile to him, too, but his close watch made her lower her head.
“Come,” she told Alex, leading him by his hand into her bedroom. “You can come too,” she said to Jared.
Melanie laid half-down on her bed, still embracing Alex. “I missed you. You’ve grown, kid. You’re almost like a man.”
“Hey! I’m no kid!” Alex replied, upset. But his mood quickly swung, as he replied to Mel, “I missed you too.” Mel grinned again, while he buried his head into her torso. She had missed him. She missed him too much. Not remembering your brother is something dreadfully painful; too painful. She then noticed that Jared hadn't crossed the therehold, standing right in the place where, if closed, the door would be. Melanie tried not to push him, but she missed him too, and Jared must have missed her.
“Where have you been, Mel?” Alex enquired, his voice almost breaking. His eyes were staring to water, as he finally got what he had wished for many times. At Christmas, on his birthday while he blew out the candles, or even that one time he saw a shooting star a few weeks after Melanie had gone missing.
“Well, I was put into a Healing facility, one of those that sometimes come on the news?”
The boy nodded, understanding. “Why couldn’t we find you? Why didn’t you find us?”
“It’s a little complicated, Alex.” Mel hesitated; she didn’t want to disturb a teenager boy with those kinds of problems. He should be worrying about girls and grades, other than his so called dead then apparently alive sister. Alex looked up at Mel, and she gave in. She was never able to say no to Alex. Well, except that one time he said he was going to get a piercing, because it was cool.
“My memory… wasn’t there,” she paused. “I couldn’t remember anything before the day I woke up in the hospital. I did know two things: my name was Mel or something like that, and I had at least two very important people looking for me,” Mel grinned, trying to ease up the mood, and pocked Alex on the nose. “Did you look for me, Alex?”
His eyes brightened, and Mel knew he was going to tell her something he had done that he was very proud of, but strangely their parents and everybody else had felt was dangerous. And he did, “The day after you went missing, I skipped school and destroyed my piggybank, using the money for bus tickets and train tickets. I searched for you everywhere. It was late at night when I noticed my phone said I had missed twenty calls. Then it started vibrating again. It was dad; he was really freaked out. He thought we were both missing.
“Alex! That was a cruel thing of you to do to him,” she reprehended him. “But I’m glad you did.”
Alex grinned and tucked his head under her arm. “Who was the other person?”
“Jared,” Melanie announced proudly, confident that her love would have looked for her. She stared at him, his body still unmoved by the door. He looked up, his fingers by his lips, as Mel called his name. “You know, I missed him too,” she told Alex.
“He missed you too, you know? When you were-“the boy swallowed loudly,”- declared dead, it was like he had died too.”
Heavy, quick steps were heard, hitting the carpet with a small ‘thump’, and they both glanced at the door. Jared was no longer there.
“Don’t worry. He’ll be back.” Mel was sure. She knew Jared; at least the Jared he was a year and a half ago, and she hoped that was enough.
“He’s going to Cassandra,” Alex told her, sleepily. The warmth of his sister’s body had allured him to sleep, since it was still early in the morning, and his emotions had exhausted him.
“Cassandra?” Mel was left to wonder, since the boy had fallen back asleep, and Jared had probably already walked out the front door.

Hey! Sorry it took me a bit, thanks once again for the request! You are my top customer ooh I'm liking what you are revealing in this part of the story, look forward to seeing how it develops!

Unclaimed
Chapter 2 – Morning
By Kat

“Have you told him? Has he seen her?” The voice asked Jared, over the phone.
“No,” Jared said, determinately.
“Good. Then, don’t say anything until I get there,” Cedric Rimmer, Melanie’s father, [s]hanged[/s] hung up on Jared. He had been away; it would take him two to three days to get there – to the Rimmer mansion.
Jared continued walking back and forth, in front of Mel’s bedroom. What can I do? Their reunion played like a carrousel’s chant (I don't know if 'chant' is the best word to use after 'carrousel', maybe just 'carrousel' would be fine?) in his head, never giving him a minute to rest. He remembered everything too clearly. Everything before she disappeared. They were so crazy in love! She made him want to wake up and call her, only to know what she wouldn’t stop telling him: it [s]is[/s] was love.
Jared was as if guarding that door, from whom, it was quite obvious. (This sentence sounded kind of awkward to me, I'd maybe rephrase it. For example- 'It was as if Jared was guarding the door, from whom it was obvious.' ) Alex could not know. Alex had only showed up once, and found [s]him[/s] Jared doing right what he was doing now, walking, silently.
“Why are you here?” He had asked, lifting a brow, suspiciously.
“What? Am I not allowed to visit, anymore?” The anymore sounded wrong, as if it was due to Melanie. He quickly [s]changed it[/s] added (Something like this might be better as he can't change what he has already said), “Your father asked me to keep an eye on you, remember?”
“Yes, you make sure I don’t forget,” he snorted. “But I mean, here.” Alex gave the white door with golden decorations a glance.
Jared, too, glanced at the door, and [s]thought[/s] tried to think of the best way to make Alex go away without ‘blowing the whistle’. He decided to go with a harsh, wounded look, staring [s]at[/s] into Alex’s eyes.
“Got it, I got it,” he said, raising his hands apologetically and walking away. Jared grinned; Alex was such a good kid.
Melanie woke up, sitting up [s]and[/s] with her hand reach[s]ed[/s]ing for her temple. She had a minor headache, that she was sure would go away soon.
“Wow,” she breathed, while she observed everything around her. ('her surroundings' or something like that might run a bit more smoothly here ) “Where the hell am- “she stopped herself, recognizing her old room. Her feet touched the soft carpet, and she waited for the tingly sensation, closing her eyes with too much strength. She waited, but nothing came. Mel stared stupidly at her feet, and then jumped up and down. She was herself again. Every little bit of her body was hers, including her memory, that had returned. (I think this sentence might be more effective without 'that had returned on the end' as it seemed a little tagged on the end here.) She recalled everything with deserved happiness.
Someone knocked on the door, and she hoped it was either Jared or Alex. Or her father, even. She missed everyone. Her mother would have been sickly worried ('worried sick' is a more commonly used phrase that might work better here ) if she hadn’t died when Melanie was six, and Alex only a year [s]old[/s] and a few months old. They were going to Europe. Edinburgh, she recalled her father telling her. It was her mother’s ultimate destiny, a dream almost c[s]a[/s]ome true. They were entering the airport, when her mother remembered she had forgotten her passport in her seat (Is the passport in her seat or is it when she is in her seat that she remembers she has forgotten it? The sentence sounded a bit confusing at first, I'd maybe rephrase it a little. Perhaps saying that once she was in her seat she realised she had forgotten her passport would make it a bit clearer?). She ran across the street, with the wind throwing her hair in front of her eyes. She couldn’t see much, not even the green car that was coming her away. Melanie shook her head, to let away her father’s telling (This was phrased a bit awkwardly, maybe something like 'to get away from the memory' or 'to rid her thoughts of the memory' or anything like that ).
“Come in!” She shouted, making Jared, [s]that[/s] who was outside, jump in surprise.
“She’s awake…” he whispered. He was freaking out. What to do, what to do[s].[/s]? He still loved her. Of course, he still loved her! How could he not? The maid that was preparing to only drop the tray on the desk for when the girl woke up entered the room.
“Sonia!” Melanie called with excitement as soon as she saw the woman walk into her room with a tray in her hands. Obviously, the tray was far more beautiful and expensive tha[s]t[/s]n the one in the facility, and the food far [s]much[/s] better. She had scrambled eggs, two slices of toast[s]s[/s] with fine (I don't know if 'fine' fits here that well- if you are talking about it being a more rich and expensive type of butter perhaps commenting on the creaminess of it or its expense would be better?) butter, and a glass of freshly made orange juice.
“Nice to have you back, ma’am,” Sonia said, smiling. As soon as she put the tray down on the bed, Melanie jumped up and hugged her tightly. She liked to talk with Sonia. She was the closest maid to her age. Sonia was only four or five years older than Mel.
“Oh, cut the ma’am. I’m not that old,” Mel smirked. Sonia wouldn’t lie to her right? Maybe she could ask her what happened. “Sonia, you’ll tell me everything, right?”
“Yes,” the maid answered, solemnly, with true friendship for the daughter of her master.
“What happened?” Melanie [s]said[/s] asked, breathing heavily. What had they (Just to make clear here who 'they' are at first, I'd maybe say something like 'her family' or even name those she is referring to.) thought; what had they done to find her?
Sonia seemed to hesitate, considering which words to use. Which words would hurt Melanie the [s]less[/s] least.
“Hum, well you went missing, and three weeks after, the Police declared you dead. The searches stopped, the interrogations; all had stopped (So you aren't repeating 'stopped' maybe 'all ended' would work well here?). Your father turned to Mr.Levinstrom. Do you remember him? He came to dine, one night, and his wife brought his daughter once, for tea. I think she’s about your age.”
“Hum, yes. I think her name was… Cassandra,” Melanie interrupted Sonia.
“Well, you know how Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Levinstrom went to university together, so they are old friends. They were competing for the partnership of the company where your father is working, and he asked him for help. Even after the police gave up, Mr. Rimmer still hired private detectives and continued with searches. Eventually, as nothing came up, Mr. Levinstrom advised your father, dear master, to stop, since if he continued he would lead us to bankrup[s]t[/s]cy.”
“What about,” Melanie swallowed loudly; afraid of what could the answer would be to her question, “Jared?”
Sonia's face turned pale, and her eyes were filled with the hurt of forgotten memories. Her voice was shaky, as she said, “It was something awful to watch, Miss Rimmer. Awful. The boy was dying, right there, where you sit. He didn’t leave this room for months. He didn’t speak. He didn’t do anything. When he walked out of this room, he smiled. He acted normal, he lived his life, but he never was the same. At the beginning he was like one of the zombies you [s]youngest[/s] youngsters watch in those horror movies, but sure with more humanity in him. His eyes were dark, not like the deep blue they were before. You must have noticed, Miss Rimmer. He’s different.”
Tears were streaming [s]down[/s] from Melanie’s eyes, her [s]eyes[/s] gaze was (Something like this might be better so as not to repeat eyes) focused on Sonia’s figure, but imagining it (I think you need more than 'it' here to show what you mean, so maybe something about her thoughts being on the haunted man the maid described would work instead.). Her heart was so heavy; it seemed like it would [s]draw[/s] drill (or a word like this to show the strength of her feeling might be better here) a [s]w[/s]hole through her body and fall onto the floor. She cried, sobbing once in a while. “I miss him. But he looked not that bad, yesterday,” Melanie stated, confused.
“He’s been better, Miss. It will be a hard period for him to forget, but he got over it. Moved on.”
Jared moved on? As in dating? Nah, it can't be. He had kissed her, in the facility. It can’t be. It scared Mel the thought of Jared with someone else. She wouldn’t go down without a fight. No, Sir – Jared was hers, and only hers. Melanie dried her tears with the back of her hand, and smiled weakly at Sonia, not wanting to ask anything more. The woman recovered from the telling of the dreadful events, and told, friendlily, to Melanie to eat her breakfast. She scrambled her already scrambled eggs, and took small bites of the toasts, and [s]z[/s]sipped the orange juice. After she [s]was[/s] had finished, Sonia got up and was ready to take her tray back to the kitchen.
“Wait. What about Alex? Where is he?”
“I am not allowed to answer, Miss. I’m sorry,” Sonia excused herself, and walked off.
“Thanks, Sonia,” Jared said, as soon as the maid closed the door. “How is she?”
“The usual. You could have taken the tray yourself,” Sonia smiled warmly.
“Wait a minute,” someone shouted, from down the hall. “Why is Sonia carrying an empty tray out of Mel’s room?” Alex sprinted to them, and Sonia left, sneakily as a fox.
“You got it wrong. It was for me to eat,” he said, his voice a cheap lying sound.
“You’re lying,” Alex stated, his voice a deep accusing one. He reached for the door, but Jared was faster and stood in front of it.
“It’s empty.”
Alex eye[s]s[/s]d Jared. “Is it now?” Can Mel be there? Have they found her? He tried to open [s]it[/s] the door, but Jared pushed him back, easily. Alex pushed Jared away. If Melanie was there why wouldn’t he let him see his sister?!
“Even though you don’t love her anymore, I still do[s],[/s]! (As he is shouting this, I though an exclamation mark might be more appropriate )” he shouted, opening the white door with one quick move. He didn’t have to do much, since someone on the other side was also opening it (to save from repeating 'opening' maybe something on someone twisting the door handle on the other side would run a bit more smoothly?).
Melanie stared at Alex with her eyes wide open[s]ed[/s], and her [s]accelerated[/s] breathing accelerated. The boy was the first one to react, jumping to hug her. The top of his head was barely under Melanie’s chin and the boys dark hair tickled her skin; she always felt that when she hugged Alex. She was happy and relieved, when he tightened his arms around her waist, afraid she would slip into thin air and be gone again.
“Alex…” Mel said, exhaling. The boy looked up, his hazel eyes like Mel’s shinning with a little twinkle of happiness. Melanie smiled, with sweetness, and lowered her head, while he continued embracing him. She [s]took a[/s] glanced at Jared, and tried to direct the smile to him, too, but his close watch made her lower her head.
“Come,” she told Alex, leading him by his hand into her bedroom. “You can come too,” she said to Jared.
Melanie laid half-down on her bed, still embracing Alex. “I missed you. You’ve grown, kid. You’re almost like a man.”
“Hey! I’m no kid!” Alex replied, upset. But his mood quickly swung (I know what you mean but I don't think 'swung' is the best word to use here, I'd maybe put something else here to show how quickly it changes, perhaps something about it switching or quickly brightening?) , as he replied to Mel, “I missed you too.” Mel grinned again, while he buried his head into her torso. She had missed him. She had (just because she wouldn't really be missing him then as he is with her )missed him too much. Not remembering your brother is something dreadfully painful; too painful. She then noticed that Jared [s]wouldn’t[/s] hadn't crossed the [s]door[/s] threshold, standing right in the place where, if closed, the door would be. Melanie tried not to push him, but she missed him too, and Jared must have missed her.
“Where have you been, Mel?” Alex enquired, his voice almost break[s]able[/s]ing. His eyes were starting to water, as he finally got what he had wished for many times. At Christmas, on his birthday while he blew out the candles, or even that one time he saw a shooting star a few weeks after Melanie had gone missing.
“Well, I was put into a Healing facility, one of those that sometimes come on the news?”
The boy nodded, understanding. “Why couldn’t we find you? Why didn’t you f[s]ou[/s]ind us?”
“It’s a little complicated, Alex.” Mel hesitated; she didn’t want to disturb a teenage[s]r[/s] boy with those kind[s]s[/s] of problems. He should be worrying [s]with[/s] about girls and grades, other than his so called dead then apparently alive sister. Alex looked up at Mel, and she gave in. She was never able to say no to Alex. Well, except that one time he said he was going to get a piercing, because it was cool.
“My memory… wasn’t there,” she paused. “I couldn’t remember anything before the day I woke up in the hospital. I did know two things: my name was Mel or something like that, and I had at least two very important people looking for me,” Mel grinned, trying to ease up the mood, and picked Alex’s nose (This sounds like a bit of an odd thing to do in how it is phrased did you mean she poked him on the nose of flicked his nose or something like that? I think that action might be more at place here.). “Did you look for me, Alex?”
His eyes brightened, and Mel knew he was going to tell her something he had done [s]did[/s] that he was very proud of, but strangely their parents and everybody else had felt [s]it[/s] was dangerous. And he did, “The day after you went missing, I skipped school and destroyed my piggybank, using the money for bus tickets and train tickets. I searched for you everywhere. It was late at night when I noticed my phone said I had missed twenty calls. Then it started vibrating again. It was dad; he was really freaked out. He thought we were both [s]went[/s] missing.
“Alex! That was a cruel thing of you to do to him,” she reprehended him. “But I’m glad you did.”
Alex grinned and tucked his head under her arm. “Who was the other person?”
“Jared,” Melanie announced proudly, confident that her love would have looked for her. She stared at him, his body still unmov[s]able[/s]ed by the door. He looked up, his fingers by his lips, as Mel called his name. “You know, I missed him too,” she told [s]to[/s] Alex.
“He missed you too, you know? When you were-“the boy swallowed loudly,”- declared dead, it was like he had died too.”
Heavy, quick steps were heard, hitting the carpet with a small ‘back’ (To me this doesn't sound like the right sound, maybe 'thump'?), and they both glanced at the door. Jared was no longer there.
“Don’t worry. He’ll be back.” Mel was sure. She knew Jared; at least the Jared he was a year and a half ago, and she hoped that was enough.
“He’s going to Cassandra,” Alex told her, sleepily. The warmth of [s]her[/s] his sister’s body had allured him to sleep, since it was still early in the morning, and his emotions had exhausted him.
“Cassandra?” Mel was left to wonder, since the boy [s]was[/s] had fallen back asleep, and Jared had probably already walked out the front door.

Overall: I'm still enjoying the storyline and I think you are keeping enough mystery in the story to keep the reader entertained and wanting to read on, you're also developing the characters well I thought you introduced the brother nicely and I felt like I had got to grips with his personality by the end of the piece so good job!

I noticed that a few times throughout this piece you switched who you were referring to as 'he' or 'she' and it could get a bit confusing. I'd take care to stick to who you are talking about, so if you said Mel went to the cabinet referring to her as 'she' then make sure you don't refer to the maid as 'she' when she enters the room as it can make it a bit confusing to work out who you mean. (That was just a stupid example, not what actually happened ) I also thought there were just a couple of areas where you could add a bit more to the expressions of a couple of the characters to get across how they are feeling- for instance in how the maid looks when she is leaving Mel and what Jared's expression is like as he waits in the doorway and pushes Jared away, I did get a good feel of Alex's character but a bit more on how he appears might add to the imagery of the reunion (which I must say I thought was very well written ). Along with his own appearance the appearance of the room could be described a little bit just by slipping in details every now and then as well seeing as I got the impression it was quite beautiful but couldn't picture it properly at some points.

I think you are doing well in showing how Mel is adjusting to finding out about her past and what happened whilst she was missing, obviously at this point I'm a bit confused about why the brother was not to be told she was back and how Cassandra is involved but I'm sure that's all to come I'd maybe think she would be a bit more confused as to why the maid could not tell her about her brother though so maybe something there would be good. Jared is the person I am most curious about at the moment in how he is reacting throughout this part, some more on his thoughts might help in revealing more of how torn he feels (unless of course you want to keep that hidden for now). All in all great work and I look forward to reading more! I did make quite a few small comments but as always they are just what I would put and not necessarily what you think is best so ignore whatever ones you disagree with Hope I've helped!