Young Writers Society

----
Deleted

Forever Threnody wrote:
Feel the mist on your skin;
The first drop begins the storm.
While more will plummet
You'll always remember the first,
The one the fell to allow the Do you mean 'that fell' here? I'm not sure...
Rise.

Give the ocean a moment to prepare;
Don't act now, the winds
They've just begun.
Don't say anything;
The maelstrom starts These last two lines I just love. They have such a strong impact.
Now.

Sit back, watch the clouds form;
They're getting richer... denser. I don't particularly like the ellipsis here, because it seems to break up the flow. I'd just use a comma, so it seems smoother.
Test your luck outside as the lightning pours;
Ichor from the sky.
Don't rock the boat yet,
Wait.

Wait for the sea to thicken and swell,
Wait for the water to flood the bow,
Wait for the first souls to become submerged,
Then tip the boat as far as you want.
None care any more, everyone's gone, and you're
Alone.

The world is yours,
Rise.

I really enjoyed this poem. Personally, I like the format, but what bothers me is the lack of punctuation, which I added in above. At some points, I wasn't sure what punctuation was correct, because of the varied line breaks, so I used my best judgement. And, in the last, short stanza, I wasn't entirely sure you'd want punctuation at all, because it has a better effect without it, I think, but it's your choice. I really think this is a good poem, because it makes you think when you read it, and it sounds very professional. Your wording and grammar are great. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thanks so much for taking time to review this, I can't believe I didn't catch the "the" after rereading it over and over again. XD

I love using ellipses. I enjoy the fading off effect it gives. They can be used to often though, I watch that... (lol)

Yes, I rarely use punctuation in my poetry as I enjoy letting the reader incorporate his/her own feeling into the reading.

So again, thanks.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

I liked it. I wish I could write poems like that... But If wishes were fishes then I'd have to go fishing! ...
But I'm a fantasy writer...
Anyway, this was excellent. It was so dramatic. Just one question. Who are we (the readers) supposed to be? The storm itself? OR a god of some sort?
And I see your mistake in the first line was already pointed out. Good.
You seemed to use punctuation on and off. Not a good idea. You should be consistent and either do no punctuation or
proper punctuation throughout the whole poem.
Sorry one more question. What kind of poetry is this (I'm no poet, so...)? I don't mean like Dramatic poetry or Narrative Poetry, but like is it haiku (I know it isn't that, just an example) or something?