Young Writers Society

Hey guys it's me, Max and this is the beginning of Bitten- you can still read the sneek peek but you don't have to. I'd love it if I got some feedback of what you think about it! Enjoy reading!
_______

Chapter one


I clenched my fists until my knuckles were white and numb. I wanted to hit something. I was being hunted by my own kind.
"Killed." I growled out loud. That's what they were going to do to me the Carverians family. All because I wasn't ready to settle down with their oldest son, Wesley, and have his little bloodsuckers. I turned down his proposal and I'd gladly do it again. I had been trained to take down animals like him but I wasn't going to get cocky now. I walked into an empty elevator and pressed a black button that said 30 and it illumitated to green.
Then it stopped and let two old women in, I stood infront while they held onto the hard silver metal bars in the back. I wore a black X tank top, it didn't cover my scars at all, black tight jeans, and back non heel boots. I heard small gasps of horror and small whispers in the back.
"Look at those." An old woman whispered. Refuring to my scars and cuts.
I felt the corner of my mouth move upward. Yes, I had suffered but Wesley was going to suffer more. Then, the elevator stopped, opened on my floor, and I got off.

I jogged up four fleets of cement stairs. I finally twisted a silver metal handle and walked on to the building's roof top. I looked over the edge. The thought of pushing Wesley off this building not only pleased me but made the ends of my mouth curl with excitment. I was biting my tongue to keep from crusing. usually some one would think a woman would be able to turn down a marriage propsal if she didn't like the man or didn't want to get married. Obviously not in this case. I kept staring down and saw cars stuck in traffic, a woman scream, car horns blarring, a dog barking, and the sounds of a late night TV special.
The moon was so big it was hard to ignore but the stars didn't light up the sky like thousands of candles. That's when I heard it, the sound of a crunching leaves, someone was behind me. I whirrled around surprisingly fast. I saw him, watching me. Just staring.
"I could still call off my family right now if you agree to marry me, Hell." he said. He looked under his nails. His arrogence reaked like whiskey. His light brown hair hung in his midnight blue eyes. He used his size and height to intimadate, which he does very well. Could I take him?
I stood just staring at him. "I apologize for spoiling your bloodust Wesley, but I think I answered that same question from a guy that looked a lot like you. The answer hasn't changed... NO." I said crossing my arms.
He looked me up and down. His eyes feeling like dirt rubbing on my skin.
"Helena... Think of how powerful we could be together. Think of how incredible and talented our children could be." he said. Everything became silent, then he went on. "Our house will be large and our wedding would be unforgettable."
I slammed my fist into his face and grabbed his neck, feeling more than satisfied when he grunted trying to stifle the sound of his pain.
"Enough." I said in a calm voice.
He laughed humorlessly and smiled. "You want it too. Your pride won't let you admit it. You want me."
"Why would I want to marry you?" I growled
"'Cause, babe I've got everything you'd ever need. Everything you want." This guy really didn't know what the word 'no' meant.
"I don't know how many more languages I'm going to have to tell you in." I tightened my hold on his neck.
"I could protect you." he said.
"Oh..." I laughed. "Wesley... I have you by the throat what makes you think I'm the one needing to be protected?"
What an arrogent, air headed, bas-
My thoughts were cut short when he caught me off guard and twist my hand behind my back. He almost forced me off the edge of the roof. I struggled to keep my balance, he was the only thing keeping me up. SHIT!
"THIS." he smirked. "Looks like the choice has been taken out of your hands." his breath smelled like mints as it traveled down my neck. "Last chance... Marry me?"
My arm was starting to ache, it was a shit plan but I'd rather die. "No." I gasped and threw my head back into his chin. I heard bones crunch, then he let me go, I felt my arms wave forward and backward to keep my balance but my feet weren't as productive. I lost my balance and just like that I was falling...


Thank you for reading

-Max

Hi there, Max; I have decided to be your reviewer for today!! =D So, first off, I will go through your whole piece making [comments/suggestions] and edits or extra adding-ins. Then I will go through the whole review with you at the end. I hope this helps you out!! And by the way, I love your title (:

October Girl wrote:Hey guys it's me, Max and this is the beginning of Bitten- you can still read the sneek peek but you don't have to. I'd love it if I got some feedback of what you think about it! Enjoy reading!
_______

Chapter one


I[there are so many wonderful and interesting ways to start off a book, but using 'I' isn't one of them. Now, this is your opening paragraph in which you want to grab the reader's attention. So be a bit more inventive and please, please don't use 'I'!! (: ] clenched my fists until my knuckles were white and numb. I wanted to hit something. I was being hunted by my own kind.
"Killed." I growled out loud. That's what they were going to do to me the Carverians family[this sentence doesn't make sense, I think you missed a word out?]. All because I wasn't ready to settle down with their oldest son, Wesley, and have his little bloodsuckers. I turned down his proposal and I'd gladly do it again [why? What was it that made her turn down the proposal?]. I had been trained to take down animals like him but I wasn't going to get cocky now. I walked into an empty elevator and pressed a black button that said 30 [put numbers into their word from, as it looks neater: thirty] and it illuminated to green.
[Okay, in this paragraph, you have used 'I' way too many times to start your sentences. You need to try and vary your sentence openings, otherwise your work can begin to sound repetitive and monotonous, which we certainly don't want!! (: ]
The[s]n it [/s]lift stopped and in walked [s]let [/s]two old women [s]in[/s][maybe a little description of them? Not much, but just a little to help us picture the scene a bit better], I stood in_front while they held onto the [s]hard[/s][we know that metal bars are hard, so this is not really needed] silver metal bars in the back. I [s]wore[/s] was wearing a black X tank top,[delete comma] which [s]it[/s] didn't cover any of my my scars [s]at all[/s],[replace with semi-colon] the t-shirt was paired with black tight jeans, and back non heel boots[I don't quite understand what you mean here - try and make it a little clearer. I heard small gasps of horror and small whispers in the back [b]of the lift from the old women[/b].
"Look at those." An old woman whispered. She was most probably [as you don't actually know whether she was or not] referring to my scars and cuts.[Try and expand on this a little - maybe a little hint as to what actually caused them; her feelings towards how they were caused...?]
I felt the corner of my mouth move upward. Yes, I had suffered but Wesley was going to suffer more. Then, the elevator stopped, opened on my floor, and I got off.

I jogged up four fleets of cement stairs. Finally, I twisted a silver metal handle and walked on to the building's roof top. I looked over the edge. The thought of pushing Wesley off this building not only pleased me but made the ends of my mouth curl with excitement[Okay, this kind of kills the surprise, don't you think? It's like reading a book to then be told how it ends: not good. Try a bit of foreshadowing instead, but reveal this information nearer the event to create suspense]. I was biting my tongue to keep from crusing [do you mean cursing? And if so, why would she be cursing?]. Usually some[delete gap: all one word]one would think a woman would be able to turn down a marriage proposal if she didn't like the man or didn't want to get married. Obviously not in this case [why not? Try and make this clearer]. I kept staring down and saw cars stuck in traffic, a woman scream, car horns bla[s]r[/s]ring [only one 'r' in blaring], a dog barking, and the sounds of a late night TV special.
The moon was so big it was hard to ignore but the stars didn't light up the sky like thousands of candles. That's when I heard it, the sound of a crunching leaves [leaves on the top of a building? Slightly unrealistic, and you didn't mention it before, either], someone was behind me. I whir[s]r[/s]led [only one 'r' in whirled] around surprisingly fast. I saw him, watching me. Just staring.
"I could still call off my family right now if you agree to marry me, Hell.[replace with comma]" he said. [How did he know that he should meet her on the top of the building? And it's a bit of a strange place to meet really] He looked under his nails. His arrogance reeked like whiskey. His light brown hair hung in front of his midnight blue eyes. He used his size and height to intimidate, which he does very well [try showing instead of telling here. How does he use his size? How is he doing it at this moment?]. Could I take him?
I stood just staring at him. "I apologize for spoiling your bloodlust[comma] Wesley [and what does she mean by 'spoiling his bloodlust?], but I think I answered that same question from a guy that looked a lot like you. The answer hasn't changed... NO.[comma]" I said crossing my arms [stubbornly, defiantly...? I think an adverb is needed here to describe the emotion behind the crossing of her arms, if you get what I mean (: ].
He looked me up and down. His eyes [s]feeling[/s] felt [watch your tense changes] like dirt rubbing on my skin.
"Helena... Think of how powerful we could be together. Think of how incredible and talented our children could be.[replace with comma]" he said. Everything became silent, then he went on. "Our house will be large and our wedding would be unforgettable."
I slammed my fist into his face and grabbed his neck, feeling more than satisfied when he grunted trying to stifle the sound of his pain.
"Enough.[replace with comma]" I said in a calm voice.
He laughed humorlessly and smiled. "You want it too. Your pride won't let you admit it. You want me."
"Why would I want to marry you?" I growled[full stop, and maybe add in some thought/emotions as reactions to what's happening and what he is saying?]
"'Cause, babe I've got everything you'd ever need. Everything you want." This guy really didn't know what the word 'no' [no need for it to be in ''] meant.
"I don't know how many more languages I'm going to have to tell you in." I tightened my hold on his neck.
"I could protect you.[replace with comma]" he said.
"Oh...[no need for ellipsis here - a full stop will do fine (: ]" I laughed. "Wesley... I have you by the throat what makes you think I'm the one needing to be protected?"
What an arrogant, air headed, bas- [Thoughts in italics]
My thoughts were cut short when he caught me off guard and twisted my hands behind my back. He almost forced me off the edge of the roof. I struggled to keep my balance, he was the only thing keeping me up. SHIT!
"THIS." He smirked. "Looks like the choice has been taken out of your hands." His [be careful not to overuse the pronoun, and use his name in the narrative some times] breath smelled like mints as it traveled down my neck. "Last chance... Marry me?"
My arm was starting to ache, it was a shit plan but I'd rather die. {why? You haven't yet defined what it is that she hates so much about him. You need to make this clearer as, as a reader, I am unable to connect with your MC in a way that I can understand her and sympathise with her. If you make her position - and her hatred of Wesley - a bit clearer I will be able to do that] "No." I gasped and threw my head back into his chin. I heard his bones give a satisfying crunch, then he let me go,[replace with a full stop] [s]I felt [/s]My arms waved desperately forward and backwards in an effort to keep my balance but my feet weren't as productive. I lost my balance [try and find another word to replace it, as you've already used the word 'balance' too closely together] and just like that I was falling...[A full stop will be fine here. There's no need to use an ellipsis to end a chapter, as the suspense is shown through your choice of words. And you have definitely done this here]

Last Minute Views
Vagueness
Okay, you were a little too vague about certain details through this chapter; for example, your MC's hatred for Wesley was never made clear. I want to be able to understand why your MC would rather die than be married to him so, as a reader, I can sympathise with your MC and therefore get more involved in the story. Most of your vagueness can be made up through using and expressing...

Your MC's thoughts and feelings
You need to delve into your MC's feelings more often, and use them and express them through your writing. This should help you to develop a more believable, 3D character instead of a flat one. A flat character only walks and talks and moves through the story, as though a robot. But a 3D character thinks and feels through the story, and uses their reactions and thoughts and feelings to tell a more avid story. So, whilst you're writing you've got to be constantly thinking what would your MC be thinking/feeling in the situations you are presenting them with as a writer?

Grammar and spelling
Before you post your work on here, remember to do a spell check as there were lots of silly spelling mistakes that could be cleared up, and don't worry, because we all do it!! It's amazing how many spelling mistakes I have after I've finished writing a chapter - there are normally more ones spelt wrong than right!! It just makes for easier reading, that's all (: . Also, check out this article from the Knowledge Base that was written by a fellow YWS member on how to use punctuation within dialogue. It's really easy to understand and it will help clear up your only grammar problem in this, as the rest was impeccable!! (:
viewarticlebody.php?t=44898 I hope it's helpful!! ^_^

Plot
The plot you've presented in this chapter is very interesting and has certainly captivated my interest in the way that I'm wondering what's going to happen to your MC next... The only thing I would suggest for you to work on, to get the plot moving a bit smoother in this chapter, is to present us with more background information. You've got to remember that this is the first chapter, so the readers will need a little filling-in so they can follow the plot line and motivations of your MC easily and understand everything =D.

Overall Thoughts
Great job on this, Max. This story has real potential. You just need to work on your character development and expressing your MC's thoughts and feelings to help make this reach the potential it certainly has. Great job, and I hope this review helped you out!! (: Sorry if I was too harsh at all, I only did it with the best intentions to help you out =D. If you have any questions or need anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'm always more than happy to help!!

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

P.S. If you're interested in joining an Online Class, myself and Sunny have just opened one up and it would be great if you could join too!! The more the merrier!! Just click the link below if you're interested. (:

NITPICKS:

I was being hunted by my own kind.

I like your hook, but this spoils the intensity. You're diving into it too fast. Sure, we want to know why she's mad, but I'd like to be shown, not told.

I had been trained to take down animals like him but I wasn't going to get cocky now.

She seems to be getting cocky to me, ranting like she is in the above paragraph. And who had she been trained by? Why was she trained if she was another vampire like the rest? While we don't need to know the answers now, it would be something to think about telling in future chapters.

I finally twisted a silver metal handle and walked on to the building's roof top.

I'd like to know that this is a door, just so I'm not rereading to understand.

The moon was so big it was hard to ignore but the stars didn't light up the sky like thousands of candles.

Why does she want to ignore it? And instead of saying all that about the stars, just say they weren't out that night or something. Simplify.

"I apologize for spoiling your bloodust Wesley, but I think I answered that same question from a guy that looked a lot like you. The answer hasn't changed... NO."

Wait, so the MC is human? But in the beginning you said she was being huntd by her own kind... I'm definitely confused. And if Wesley only wants her blood, why wouldn't he just take it?

My thoughts were cut short when he caught me off guard and twisted my hand behind my back.

SHIT!

No offense, but I hate it when people use all-caps. It looks unprofessional. Try Italics.

I lost my balance and just like that I was falling...

The first and last sentences of a piece are the most important, in my opinion. This is awkward. Try something like this: I lost my balance, and before I realized it the wind was blowing through the strands of my hair and the ground was flying up to meet me. Rough example, but you see what I mean, right?


OVERALL:


Your punctuation needs a lot of work. I didn't point any of those errors out because I saw that Luccy took care of it. But punctuation is a big pet peeve around here, and I think the site Luccy pointed out is a good idea.

As to your piece, plot. characters, etc... It needs work. You're diving into the story too fast. Sometimes that's okay, but in this case I'd like to see some setup. You have a good idea here, it just needs to be developed. More description, more dialogue between Helena and Wesley, more setting.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Keep writing.

Grammar:
[quote]"Killed." I growled out loud. That's what they were going to do to me the Carverians family. All because I wasn't ready to settle down with their oldest son, Wesley, and have his little bloodsuckers. I turned down his proposal and I'd gladly do it again. I had been trained to take down animals like him but I wasn't going to get cocky now. I walked into an empty elevator and pressed a black button that said 30 and it illumitated to green.
It should be kill.
[/quote]Then it stopped and let two old women in, I stood infront while they held onto the hard silver metal bars in the back. I wore a black X tank top, it didn't cover my scars at all, black tight jeans, and back non heel boots. I heard small gasps of horror and small whispers in the back.
This should have a period.

I jogged up four fleets of cement stairs. I finally twisted a silver metal handle and walked on to the building's roof top. I looked over the edge. The thought of pushing Wesley off this building not only pleased me but made the ends of my mouth curl with excitment. I was biting my tongue to keep from crusing. usually some one would think a woman would be able to turn down a marriage propsal if she didn't like the man or didn't want to get married. Obviously not in this case. I kept staring down and saw cars stuck in traffic, a woman scream, car horns blarring, a dog barking, and the sounds of a late night TV special.
I think you meant cursing and proposal.

The moon was so big it was hard to ignore but the stars didn't light up the sky like thousands of candles.
You have to put a comma before but.
Anyway...
I liked the story although your main character is a little bit confusing and she contradicts herself a lot. Like for example in the beginning she's confident that she can take him down, but later doubts herself.

Hi! Socks here. Just wanted to say that I really liked it. I thought it had like an 19th century aura with the forced marriage and all. Plus when Wesly said:
". . . Think of how incredible and talented our children could be."
It sounded to me like if he was talking about breeding dogs. Haha. It works in a "he can not serious?" kind of way.

Overall I like where the plot is going, but I just thought that the chapter was a little blurry at times. You could explain a little more; make whats going on a little more clearer.

That's all I got. Hope its helpfull.

This was cool. I liked it. But I was a little disappointed when it didn't go into much more detail. Why doesn't she want to marry Wesley? Why do her parents - and his - want her to marry him so badly? Does it have to do with money? Family? I don't get it.

All in all, though, this was good. Please keep up the good work and let me know if when the next chapter is posted. I'd love to read it.

Also, the rest of my review is in the attachment below.

Good Morning, Max! (sweet name, there)

There's only two things I noticed:

1) "I apologize for spoiling your bloodust Wesley, but I think I answered that same question from a guy that looked a lot like you. The answer hasn't changed... NO." I said crossing my arms.

It's bloodlust or you can space the two words. It's up to you.

2) usually some one would think a woman would be able to turn down a marriage propsal if she didn't like the man or didn't want to get married.

The word usually, needs to be capitalized. Because it's the beginning of a sentence.

Now my thoughts:

Whoa, Max. This is really good. I'm not huge for vampire novels, especially romance ones, but this was different from the others. There was more of a hate tension then a lovely-dovey kind. Man, I can't stand those.

I'm going to say it again, this was really good. And I mean it. Seriously.

There was so much disgust for Wesley and the fact she has to marry him. It immediatley grabbed me in. And the ending!? Whoa, there. Max, you seriously have to write more. What's going to happen? Man, I have so many questions. If you do plan on continuing, pm me for chapter two!

Melly

P.S. Sweet Name!!

Very, very nice. This is without a doubt one of the best vampire stories I have read lately. I will be moving on to the sequel and I have no doubt that I will be impresssed. Aside from some minor things (a few gramatical errors and some all caps words), there is nothing that I see that needs to be fixed. Expect my review on chapter 2!

Well, by now everyone that was ahead of me said what you should change, how to start, not to go to fast paced and make your characters 3D, and of course the one and only spelling.
I am unfortunately going to say one thing. There is already a book out there with the title "Bitten". Its a werewolf novel written by Kelley Armstrong.