Left Hand Empty

I need somewhere to go for the night, that’s certain. For a moment, my adventurous side considers driving down one of the winding, unpaved roads to Perth, but logic smashes that idea down before I even reach the service station.

The rain is beading on my windshield so I have to turn on the wipers. The road is empty and I let my mind wander, wondering what it must have been like for John, expecting a yes and hearing the no. Maybe he hadn’t actually heard me say it; maybe just saw the way my face fell and knew my answer. Maybe he’s still hopeful. I look at my naked fingers, clutching the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turn white. I never wear rings. I won’t put one on until it’s the one that I will never take off, and that wasn't it.

And it was just so unexpected. Not one of the million scenarios I’d envisioned on a particularly boring work day or awful movie, not a ring in a champagne flute or a question on the jumbo screen at a basketball game. It wasn't even a version of any of them. We were in bed when he simply reached into his drawer during Jeopardy! and said, “Baby, will you marry me?”

Looking into the open box, the hopeful ring nestled in blue velvet, I thought: this isn’t me. This is settling.

I park the car outside one of those all-night service stations on Lanark and go inside the little Tesco’s. I fill my basket with packets of crisps, candy bars, and vodka, because John always advocated eating right and staying sober. The woman behind the counter stares at me while she rings me up.

“You must be starving,” she says.

“Starving, yeah.”

I get back in the car and drive at a glacial pace. It is only when I see the tears that I realize I’m crying: but is it for him, for me, or for what could have been? I don’t know. Suddenly I have no more appetite and I push the chocolate away and stop the car. I sit on the wall of the Union Canal, watching the sky slowly paint itself black; the rain mixes with the tears on my face until I can’t tell them apart. I'm not sure I even love John; he doesn't know me, he can't, to throw away what I've been talking about forever and dreaming of since I have known how to dream. Even so, maybe, tomorrow, I’ll return home, apologize, take his ring.

Maybe not.


{for Cal's Some Kind of Chorus contest.
word: 030 protagonist
song: For the Restless by Tom Mcrae - lyrics}

hey!
the passage is short, but i get a good idea about whats happened before hand. i would like to know what made her say no, to marrying him, please write more!!
-Amy X

Wow, Mars, I really enjoyed that. It was extremely well written, despite how short it was, and I (personally) don't think you need to expand it any. I got a complete enough picture of the situation without pages and pages of background information. You expertly wove in a flashback so that it transitioned flawlessly back into the present-tense narrative.

My main issue here is the entire first paragraph, which does nothing to capture my attention and isn't anywhere near as eloquent as the rest of the passage. I think that first sentence needs to be something a bit more emotional than her need to find a place to stay; something describing her needing to get away from, instead of her needing to go to. If that makes any sense? And then this sentence:

For a moment, fancy considers driving down one of the winding, unpaved roads to Perth, but practicality smashes that idea down before I even reach the service station.

I'm not quite sure where you live, or if that has anything to do with anything (maybe a saying in your country?), but this sentence is worded awkwardly. For a moment I thought you had transitioned into third person with a character whose name was Fancy and just forgotten to capitalize her name, but that obviously isn't the case. You've refered to 'fancy' like it's a part of her that wants to make a decision, and then you say that 'practicality smashes that idea down'.

One problem is that, while reading, the reader interprets your use of 'practicality' and mentally reads it as 'practically', which changes the meaning of the line completely. Since the words are close enough to be confused, I'd change this. Maybe to 'logic' or some other synonym. But, altogether, this line is a bit confusing and I think you should toy with it.

It just wasn’t what I was expecting. Not one of the million scenarios I’d envisioned on a particularly boring work day or awful movie. Not a ring in a champagne flute or a question on the jumbo screen at a basketball game or a declaration at the top of a mountain. He simply reached into his drawer during Jeopardy! and said, “Baby, will you marry me?”

Here, I'm very confused, because I don't really get what the setting actually was. In the office? At the theatre in an awful movie? On a dinner date, at a basketball game, at home on the couch watching Jeopardy, from atop a mountain? It doesn't really flow well enough for your readers to glean what exactly you're saying by mentioning all of these places; the question could only have been asked at one of them.

Oh, wait. I just reread it a couple of times, and I think I get what you mean. He could have asked it so much more impressively, from a more interesting place or way, but instead he did it during Jeopardy. I like the idea of that, but clarify it for your readers.

So, I think this was extremely well-written, Mars, love. ^^ The only thing I've read of yours is that kitten with the mitten poem, which, although it was fantastic, certainly didn't give me any idea that you could write so well! I hope this was helpful, and feel free to PM me if you need another look at the edit or need me to elaborate.

Good luck in the contest, although I was hoping everyone else's entries would, by some miracle, be tragically horrible so that I could have a chance at winning.

~Evi

EDIT: And I didn't even notice the first time, but wonderful title. You never actually go out and say that she rejected his proposal, but you couldn't have made it any clearer anyway.

Great job! It really makes me curious about this relationship: whether she is truly afraid of settling, or if there is more to it, especially since she pointedly rebels against his ideals about food and alcohol.

I also really favor the ambiguous ending, because had one or the other been chosen, well the ending wouldn't fit!

The narration is very good as well; it definitely sounds like stream of consciousness, and i love that style!

Hiya Mars.

I need somewhere to go for the night, that’s certain.

First off, this is an awesome opening line. It tells us what’s going on without giving away the story. Not only that, but it makes us ask ”WHY?”

Looking into the open box, the hopeful ring nestled in blue velvet, I thought: this isn’t me. This is settling.

This is another great portion because it captures the general feeling that the scenario is asking for.

I fill my basket with packets of crisps, candy bars, and vodka, because John always advocated eating right and staying sober.

I like this too (and I can’t seem to find anything about this that I disliked or had a problem with) because it’s showing how she’s braking away from John. Not only that, but it gives an image of John, a rather 9 to 5 office man by the sound of things.

but is it for him, or for me, or for what could have been?

I would get rid of the first “or” for the general purpose of the way the sentence will read without it.

Maybe not.

This ending bothers me a little because it sounds empty. It lacks sounding full. Keep the meaning, but if I were you, I would add some more to the sentence.

Overall, I really liked it and good luck on the contest.