Under the Earth's surface

A/N- This is for the Fairies and Elves: tales of magic and myth contest. (Deadline May 1st )

~

The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me. Then I ran. I ran around the still-crumbling stone as the aftershock hit. I ran even though the shockwave went through my body just as easily as it did the earth. A creature of earth could not be knocked over by a shockwave.

I ran until I reached the source of the tremors. Instantly I could feel heaviness on my skin from negative energy in aria. A knot of it fell on my shoulders. Already burdened, I had to explode it. I felt sick as another shockwave went through the land, this time coming from me.

“You shouldn’t have come,” Neria rasped. It was clear she was the starter of the quake. As a gnome, she took the most of the negative energy in the Earth. The dark circles around her eyes and the thinness of her limbs told me it had taken all her energy to get rid of it. The energy in one aria, at least.

I fell to my knees, my legs too worn from destroying the negativity. I didn’t even know how long it would take for my strength to replenish. It seemed to take longer each time.

I licked my lips. “It wouldn’t have mattered had I come or not. Leha, you were about to do the same.”

She smiled weakly. “And thanks to you I didn’t have to.”

I looked at my fellow dark elf. She would need to cause a quake soon enough. Her frame was too thin to last much longer.

Neria got to her feet. “But you were more burdened then her, Salli. Because you came, there is more damage on the surface.”

"Only slightly." I forced myself to stand. “Let there be damage. Humans have done nothing for me. All they’ve done is turn on the lights and banish me here!”

“What’s wrong with the Gnome City?” Leha asked gently. “It’s not very different from ours.”

My pointed ears stung upon hearing the word ‘ours.’ Our city, the Dark Elf City, had once been great. Until humans destroyed it with their tunnels. Even though we hadn’t lived in it much, it had still been a place we could always call home. Now we lived in the dark corners of humans’ homes, in all the dark corners of their man-made structures, but it was all too often we were harmed more then used. We could give them the creativity of Ages past, but our only title in human's mines was bogyman.

“They hadn’t even asked us,” I whispered. “Not before they cut through it.”

I scrunched my eyes for a moment, letting my sadness drain away. It would only weaken me more. “Don’t you see? Humans have stopped caring. Have stopped loving. The Elves, the Fairies, the Elementals, the unicorns, the whole kingdom of Fae… all of us could be doing something to create another Age. Instead we’re cleaning up all the human garbage of sadness and hate.”

Leha cleared her throat. “There are the Guardians. They’re making everything easier for us.”

I waved my hand. “Yes, yes, I know. The handful of Guardians are doing more by just living then half the human population. I am fully aware of what they do for us.”

The heaviness in the air began to dissipate more as human souls left their bodies. That would buy us some time at least. The souls, all of Fae knew, would be reborn. But for now they were off Earth and not causing us more pain. The Fae here would be able to gain much-needed strength. For now, at least.

“Thank goodness for the Ancestors.” I didn’t care who the voice belonged to. “Had they not lifted the limits on us, on what we could do for getting rid of this human garbage, I don’t know what would have happened.”

I didn’t want to stay there anymore. I was needed in other locations. If only so another quake wouldn’t happen again. Any Fae who was free of negativity would go to help those who were almost overburdened, and I could feel the call to move somewhere else.

A few steps away I paused. “What would have happened is, the Fae would have died from stress.” I looked over my shoulder. “Leha, go someplace clear and start getting rid of that energy. The people here can’t take another quake.” Even twenty meters under the earth I could hear them wailing over the known dead.

My heart ached for the humans as I walked. But they had been warned, and simply hadn’t listened.

And now, the Fae were poised to teach them the error of their ways.

Hiya Rosey!

I will try to do as good a job as I can with this piece. Let's see where it takes us. ^_^

Rosey Unicorn wrote:The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me.

You certainly manage to hook us with this opening line. It does seem that you are forcing the setting out, though. Essentially, you have to ask yourself a question. You are the main character here. You can only see what she sees. You can only feel what she feels. Allow me to pose a question to you. If you were running through a tunnel and it started to cave in around you, would you take special note that it was a "tunnel" that was caving in, or would you merely note that "it was caving in". I know that if I were the one in the tunnel, I would not care about my setting at this stage enough to describe it. I would describe my feelings, my emotions, and things that pertain to me directly. In other words, I'd edit the first line to, "The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in." Unless you state otherwise, we'll assume you are in the tunnel.

Then I ran. I ran around the still-crumbling stone as the aftershock hit. I ran even though the shockwave went through my body just as easily as it did the earth. A creature of earth could not be knocked over by a shockwave.

I understand the effect that you want to achieve here. There does, however, seem to be a little too much repetition. We want to understand the shockwave. What does it feel like? Surely, that's what you, as the character, feels most at this stage. I would try to limit the "runs", and replace several "shockwaves" with the effects that you feel from them.

I ran until I reached the source of the tremors. Instantly I could feel heaviness on my skin from negative energy in aria.

What is aria? If it's a name it should be capitalized. If not, it should be elaborated on.

A knot of it fell on my shoulders.

"onto" your shoulders.

Already burdened, I had to explode it. I felt sick as another shockwave went through the land, this time coming from me.

Try "coursed" instead of "went". You want to be as precise as possible. Vagueness is rarely helpful.

“You shouldn’t have come,” Neria rasped. It was clear she was the starter of the quake.

How was it clear? We need to know these details that you take for granted. Also, you're not going to agree with this, but I'll say it anyway: replace the rasped with a "said weakly". Or perhaps a mere "said", followed by a description of her weakness.

As a gnome, she took the most of the negative energy in the Earth. The dark circles around her eyes and the thinness of her limbs told me it had taken all her energy to get rid of it.

What do you mean that she took "most of the negative energy", surely there were other gnomes? If so, rephrase this, if not, elaborate.

I fell to my knees, my legs too worn from destroying the negativity.

Negativity is a big word, a big concept. If I were you, I'd invent a term, and replace it. Also, we're getting a little repetitive here. Everyone's weak from destroying the negativity. Perhaps you could merely say, "I fell to my knees; I no longer had the energy to stand."

Neria got to her feet. “But you were more burdened then her, Salli. Because you came, there is more damage on the surface.”

I'd suggest slightly fewer tags at the front. They get slightly tiresome. Most of our eyes read over the word "said", so to use it once in a while does not do much harm.

"Only slightly." I forced myself to stand. “Let there be damage. Humans have done nothing for me. All they’ve done is turn on the lights and banish me here!”

“What’s wrong with the Gnome City?” Leha asked gently. “It’s not very different from ours.”

Very nice...

My pointed ears stung upon hearing the word ‘ours.’

You would not have noticed your ears being pointed. Only someone for whom that was different would. Remember, you can only write what you would feel.

Even though we hadn’t lived in it much, it had still been a place we could always call home.

You're trying to blame the humans here. Don't give them excuses. Don't even mention the fact that you hadn't lived in it. You want to make humans out as completely guilty. Don't give them any saving graces.

We could give them the creativity of Ages past, but our only title in human's mines was bogyman.

I didn't quite get this sentence.

“They hadn’t even asked us,” I whispered. “Not before they cut through it.”

While other people might have noticed you whispering, you merely said it. Have you noticed how rarely you notice your tone. It is a natural addition to your words, and you will almost never notice it. You merely "say" something. You notice only other people's tones.

I scrunched my eyes for a moment, letting my sadness drain away. It would only weaken me more. “Don’t you see? Humans have stopped caring. Have stopped loving. The Elves, the Fairies, the Elementals, the unicorns, the whole kingdom of Fae… all of us could be doing something to create another Age. Instead we’re cleaning up all the human garbage of sadness and hate.”

Great, your tone is hopeful, almost dreamy. I do like this paragraph.

I waved my hand. “Yes, yes, I know. The handful of Guardians are doing more by just living then half the human population. I am fully aware of what they do for us.”

What do they do for you?

I didn’t want to stay there anymore.

If I understand correctly, it wasn't that you didn't want to stay. It was that you wanted to go. Say this.

I was needed in other locations.

Perhaps, "I was needed elsewhere."

If only so another quake wouldn’t happen again

Try, "If only to prevent another quake." The happen is once again too vague.

A few steps away I paused. “What would have happened is, the Fae would have died from stress.” I looked over my shoulder. “Leha, go someplace clear and start getting rid of that energy. The people here can’t take another quake.” Even twenty meters under the earth I could hear them wailing over the known dead.

Did you look over your shoulder, or did you turn to Leha? Remember, only what you thought you were doing in your mind.

My heart ached for the humans as I walked. But they had been warned, and simply hadn’t listened.

And now, the Fae were poised to teach them the error of their ways.

A beautiful ending.

Hiya Rosey!

I will try to do as good a job as I can with this piece. Let's see where it takes us. ^_^

Rosey Unicorn wrote:The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me.

You certainly manage to hook us with this opening line. It does seem that you are forcing the setting out, though. Essentially, you have to ask yourself a question. You are the main character here. You can only see what she sees. You can only feel what she feels. Allow me to pose a question to you. If you were running through a tunnel and it started to cave in around you, would you take special note that it was a "tunnel" that was caving in, or would you merely note that "it was caving in". I know that if I were the one in the tunnel, I would not care about my setting at this stage enough to describe it. I would describe my feelings, my emotions, and things that pertain to me directly. In other words, I'd edit the first line to, "The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in." Unless you state otherwise, we'll assume you are in the tunnel.

Then I ran. I ran around the still-crumbling stone as the aftershock hit. I ran even though the shockwave went through my body just as easily as it did the earth. A creature of earth could not be knocked over by a shockwave.

I understand the effect that you want to achieve here. There does, however, seem to be a little too much repetition. We want to understand the shockwave. What does it feel like? Surely, that's what you, as the character, feels most at this stage. I would try to limit the "runs", and replace several "shockwaves" with the effects that you feel from them.

I ran until I reached the source of the tremors. Instantly I could feel heaviness on my skin from negative energy in aria.

What is aria? If it's a name it should be capitalized. If not, it should be elaborated on.

A knot of it fell on my shoulders.

"onto" your shoulders.

Already burdened, I had to explode it. I felt sick as another shockwave went through the land, this time coming from me.

Try "coursed" instead of "went". You want to be as precise as possible. Vagueness is rarely helpful.

“You shouldn’t have come,” Neria rasped. It was clear she was the starter of the quake.

How was it clear? We need to know these details that you take for granted. Also, you're not going to agree with this, but I'll say it anyway: replace the rasped with a "said weakly". Or perhaps a mere "said", followed by a description of her weakness.

As a gnome, she took the most of the negative energy in the Earth. The dark circles around her eyes and the thinness of her limbs told me it had taken all her energy to get rid of it.

What do you mean that she took "most of the negative energy", surely there were other gnomes? If so, rephrase this, if not, elaborate.

I fell to my knees, my legs too worn from destroying the negativity.

Negativity is a big word, a big concept. If I were you, I'd invent a term, and replace it. Also, we're getting a little repetitive here. Everyone's weak from destroying the negativity. Perhaps you could merely say, "I fell to my knees; I no longer had the energy to stand."

Neria got to her feet. “But you were more burdened then her, Salli. Because you came, there is more damage on the surface.”

I'd suggest slightly fewer tags at the front. They get slightly tiresome. Most of our eyes read over the word "said", so to use it once in a while does not do much harm.

"Only slightly." I forced myself to stand. “Let there be damage. Humans have done nothing for me. All they’ve done is turn on the lights and banish me here!”

“What’s wrong with the Gnome City?” Leha asked gently. “It’s not very different from ours.”

Very nice...

My pointed ears stung upon hearing the word ‘ours.’

You would not have noticed your ears being pointed. Only someone for whom that was different would. Remember, you can only write what you would feel.

Even though we hadn’t lived in it much, it had still been a place we could always call home.

You're trying to blame the humans here. Don't give them excuses. Don't even mention the fact that you hadn't lived in it. You want to make humans out as completely guilty. Don't give them any saving graces.

We could give them the creativity of Ages past, but our only title in human's mines was bogyman.

I didn't quite get this sentence.

“They hadn’t even asked us,” I whispered. “Not before they cut through it.”

While other people might have noticed you whispering, you merely said it. Have you noticed how rarely you notice your tone. It is a natural addition to your words, and you will almost never notice it. You merely "say" something. You notice only other people's tones.

I scrunched my eyes for a moment, letting my sadness drain away. It would only weaken me more. “Don’t you see? Humans have stopped caring. Have stopped loving. The Elves, the Fairies, the Elementals, the unicorns, the whole kingdom of Fae… all of us could be doing something to create another Age. Instead we’re cleaning up all the human garbage of sadness and hate.”

Great, your tone is hopeful, almost dreamy. I do like this paragraph.

I waved my hand. “Yes, yes, I know. The handful of Guardians are doing more by just living then half the human population. I am fully aware of what they do for us.”

What do they do for you?

I didn’t want to stay there anymore.

If I understand correctly, it wasn't that you didn't want to stay. It was that you wanted to go. Say this.

I was needed in other locations.

Perhaps, "I was needed elsewhere."

If only so another quake wouldn’t happen again

Try, "If only to prevent another quake." The happen is once again too vague.

A few steps away I paused. “What would have happened is, the Fae would have died from stress.” I looked over my shoulder. “Leha, go someplace clear and start getting rid of that energy. The people here can’t take another quake.” Even twenty meters under the earth I could hear them wailing over the known dead.

Did you look over your shoulder, or did you turn to Leha? Remember, only what you thought you were doing in your mind.

My heart ached for the humans as I walked. But they had been warned, and simply hadn’t listened.

And now, the Fae were poised to teach them the error of their ways.

A beautiful ending.

Overall:
Characters: I really felt your main character. She had a distinctive bitter longing for justice. Your other characters were not quite as defined, but I think for a short piece this is actually fine.

Description: This is the part of your story that I think needs work. It's not that you're lacking in description, but you need to focus on the right description. Focus on the things that your MC would notice. We will only be able to believe that. Also, try describing certain aspects of your world that you've left undescribed such as Guardians, and aria. We do want to know more about those things. Towards the beginning, do try to use a little less monotony in the description. Try branch out describing everything you feel in short sentences to up our nerves.

Dialogue: I use too few tags. You use too many. The tagged style of writing gets a little monotonous. Do what you can to avoid this. Also, try to make your snippets more emotional. We should be able to see this in the sentences. Add anger, frustration, serenity or any other emotion into the tone of your dialogue.

Prose: I would suggest trying to be more specific. You write fairly vaguely, but we should be left in no doubt whatsoever what you are talking about. The more confidently you outline your details, the more we believe in you as a story teller. Try writing a little more confidently and you'll have a great prose.

My Opinion: You have a great idea here. I do think that you've done a fairly good job. I don't think it's exceptional, but it is definitely not below standard. I think that with just a little work, you could have a masterpiece. ^_^

In the hope that this helps
Yoda

This is a great theme for a short piece: the timeless conflict between the creatures of nature and the indifferent, destructive humans. It's a topic that can be explored in many different ways, and one that doesn't need a lengthy story for it to have depth .

Master_Yoda pretty much said everything there is to say about your work ^_^. But I have to stress the remark about the details. There are many descriptions that are too obscure, especially for people who aren't familiar with works of fantasy. Take the phrase "...negative energy in aria", for example. You could have said, "...the negative energy permeating the air" or something more easily understood. I had to reread most of the first part in order to understand what was going on.

Overall, though, I liked it . I love how you depicted elves and fairies as beings of the earth, not just of magic. It makes them more tangible .

Hurray for fantasy! <3

Hey, Rosey!

Here as requested!

The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me.

Meh. I just don't like this line.

First of all, I don't see rocks as "screeching." That's more of a high pitched sound of metal grating together. I could imagine rocks groaning, rumbling, or moaning, but not screeching.

I also don't really think you need "the tunnels around me." It doesn't flow well, and I feel like it was thrown in simply for the audience's benefit: "Guess what? She's also in a tunnel!" Instead of putting tunnel in your immediate narrative (if that makes sense), describe the tunnel. If you use good description I will know that I am in a tunnel.

Instantly I could feel heaviness on my skin from negative energy in aria.

Uhm, what?

Is aria a place? Then it should be capitalized.

Or is it a misspelling of the word air? XD

A knot of it fell on my shoulders. Already burdened, I had to explode it. I felt sick as another shockwave went through the land, this time coming from me.

Again, uhm... what?

“You shouldn’t have come,” Neria rasped.

Where did she come from? She just kind of randomly enters.

It was clear she was the starter of the quake.

Not really... maybe it's clear to you, but it isn't to me!

Now we lived in the dark corners of humans’ homes, in all the dark corners of their man-made structures,

I'm not so much a fan of using the expression "dark corner" twice. It doesn't flow well.

but it was all too often we were harmed more then used.

Examples, please?

Overall

Characters

Whoa. Way too many characters were introduced in rapid succession. There were like fifty elves in that tunnel. I thought that there was only your MC and Neria, so when other elves randomly began to speak, I was a bit confused.

Also, I didn't really feel for your MC. She had a lot of emotion, but the story was so short that I didn't get to know her.

The whole story, her only emotion was fear and anger. I was never able to related to her. Most of her dialogue takes place narrating the story.

What does a shock-wave feel like? How does absorbing the energy feel? Show us!

Fairy Worlds

Or where ever the heck they are... a tunnel.

Honestly, I had no idea what was happening. It was a normal story until -- BAM! Gnomes, aria, Dark Elves, negative energy...

I had no idea what any of these things were. It's alright to put some random fantasy things in a story as short as this, but so many put in so quickly is confusing and annoying.

I still have no idea why there was an earthquake or why Neria caused it.

All in All

This is a good idea, but it was much to vague to be enjoyable. It begs to be expanded.

And you know I always have short All-in-Alls so...

Hope this helped!

Thanks for the feedback!

This is actually the prologue of a novel. I didn't mention that because I wanted this to work as a stand-alone and as a prologue, and people sometimes change their critiquing style if they know it's a prologue. (Plus, I really want this to stand alone!) Hence a lot of the vagueness.

I'll work on that. I promise!

Thank ye again!

Hello Rosey Unicorn. Thanks for PMing me for a review. Sorry if I was a bit late at this.

Nit-picks:

The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in the tunnels around me.

I don't think screech works well there. I tend to associate it with something that's metallic or something that's aggressive and feral.

I ran around the still-crumbling stone as the aftershock hit.

Hrmm? Is a rock in the way or something? It seems redundant.

I ran even though the shockwave went through my body just as easily as it did the earth. A creature of earth could not be knocked over by a shockwave.

Why not change the last sentence to "A creature of earth could not be knocked over so easily"? I'm assuming a creature of earth can resist more than just a shockwave.

Instantly I could feel heaviness on my skin from negative energy in aria.

OK. One of the bigger problems that I had with your piece is regarding the concept of aria. What exactly is it? You need to clear this up. From what I've gathered, a good majority of the piece is based on this. As a result, since this concept isn't very clear, it can greatly hinder your audience's understanding.

I looked at my fellow dark elf. She would need to cause a quake soon enough. Her frame was too thin to last much longer.

What dark elf? I thought there were only two people here. At least indicate that there are 3 characters in the piece.

The heaviness in the air began to dissipate more as human souls left their bodies. That would buy us some time at least.

Interesting description, but I think it would had worked better if you had tailored the piece more to the character's natural senses (e.g: Show them more of being able to sense out their natural surroundings). That way, it wouldn't seem so detached with the rest of the piece.

Overall impressions:

You have an interesting concept here and some evidence of a theme here, but what's mainly holding you back is the vagueness of the whole piece. I have already mentioned the Aria concept, here's more for you to think about:

-What's the point of the shockwaves?
-What exactly is role of the MC and Neria?
-Why would the humans do the things that they do here? It's quite one sided at the moment, making it not as perspective as it could have been. Also, from the way that you've worded the human's actions, it just seems rather unrealistic and exaggerated in my opinion. I don't really think humans would ever resort to such a thing. I mean, why would they stop caring like that all of a sudden?
-What do elves/gnomes do that are different to humans? (need more detail here)
-What is this 'negativity'?

These ideas need to be cleared up to make your piece more coherent. I had to vaguely assume what was happening in the piece which annoyed me a bit. (I do know however is that the MC is fighting for the elves as they believe the humans are evil while the gnome is fighting for the humans as they are like guardians to them. So there is this conflict betweem them due to a difference in beliefs).

Setting:

Why did you choose underground tunnels as the setting for the piece? You might want to explain the reason behind that. It could help connect the first part of the piece to when they were talking about the humans and cities.

Characters:

I was confused with the number of the characters that were in the piece, because you don't really make an attempt in making the characterization seem more varied and diverse. For example, they all talked with a similar tone and style. The way in which they expressed themselves was also quite linear and obvious, making both the characters and the story-telling rather trite. You also need to know how to use your dialogue tags better. When you have a dialogue tag that introduces a new name (inconsistent with the previous ones, it can really confuse the reader). That could be another reason why I was confused with the characters in the piece. That said, I think you did a fair job in hinting to the reader that the characters are willing to stand up to what they believe in from the way they behaved here.

In conclusion, your ideas have potential in portraying the theme of standing up what one believes in and seeking justice (I like how you use fantasy to portray this, it's quite interesting). What is letting you down however is that several components of the piece need to be cleaned up in order to ensure that what you are achieving is successful. It also helps if you are able to recognize the point of view of the humans so that the piece is more convincing to read.

Good luck.
Andy.