Dreams of Giants -- Chapter 3, Part 1

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Chapter 3
The library of Kavaria lies behind The Monastery of Gondahar, and consequently, a large number of those who frequented its walls were clergymen. Every day, white robed priests could be found pouring over religious scrolls, philosophical texts, and on the odd occasion even the great tales of fiction, the likes of which could not be found in the rest of Garuana.
The youngest of the priestesses in particular, would sit for hours every day in the great library. Miana was High Priest Gondahar the Seventh's sixteen year old daughter. Rumor had it that she had rebelled, and that the High Priest had lost any hold that he might have had on her life. After all, would High Priest Gondahar the Seventh approve of his sixteen year old daughter spending all of her hours reading fiction? Of course, the mere prospect that she might have rebelled was an absurd rumor that had no doubt come about through gossip. It didn't bother either Miana or her father to say the least.
The truth was that Miana, longed for adventure, but while she stayed at her father's house, she was not likely to get it. As a little girl, she had listened to tales of princesses fighting mythical dragons. And when she grew older, she would read the The Unicorn Tamer every night before she climbed beneath her thick duvet and dreamed of the adventures she so longed for. Her childish fantasies of fighting dragons had long since faded away, but her desire for adventure had only grown. She tried to hold her thirst at bay by reading the great epic works every day inside the library.
The really interesting books and scrolls in the library, as Miana had discovered fairly early, were those kept hidden in the small cramped rooms beneath the main hall. These hidden rooms held the more valuable, more dangerous books of sorcery, black magic, and witchery were locked in these gloomy chambers. Only three sets of keys existed that would open these doors.
One set of keys, Miana knew, were held by her cousin Mintrow for safekeeping. He never disclosed how they had come into his possession. Another set, Miana had discovered per-chance while scrounging around her father's wardrobe. She had told nobody about it, but had stolen these keys to use for herself on more than one occasion. She felt guilty, but the urge to read these forbidden books was irresistible.
For the brief period that she had “borrowed” her father's keys, she had not known where the final set was kept. Few people guessed who had it, when in fact it was stored beneath their very noses.
Miana could distinctly remember the day that the librarian had come up to speak to her. She recalled the surprise that had filled her when she had heard how gruff his voice was. She recalled how startled she'd been that he'd approached her. He had always, almost consciously, kept his distance from her.
She had met his fierce gaze reluctantly but she had not faltered. She recalled his penetrating blue eyes and the wrinkles on his pale cheeks.
“Miana, daughter of Gondahar the Seventh?” he queried at the time.
“That's me,” she said. She had not turned away from the librarian's cold gaze.
The librarian's hand bulged inside his trouser pocket. “Today is your tenth birthday, is it not?”
“It is,” she had said.
“I have something for you.” His voice betrayed no emotion.
“You have a birthday present for me?” she said, taken aback.
“It's not a gift,” he said. “Its your inheritance.” His final word was spoken almost as a whisper.
The librarian had reached a bony hand into his pocket, and had withdrawn a fat bunch of keys. She had subconsciously stretched out a hand and allowed the librarian to tip the keys into her hand.
Her fingers had tightened involuntarily on the keys. A shock had coursed through her veins. She remembered her hand growing more tense. Her knuckles had turned white. And then, as quickly as it had come, the pain vanished.
She suddenly knew that she had inherited not only the keys, but the entire library. She opened her mouth to thank the librarian, but her next words had not been her own to choose.
“Eneth son of Eron, I bid you remain as my steward, and guard this library until such time as I or my heir reclaims it,” she said, surprised at the ferocity with which she had spoken.
“I accept the stewardship that is required of me.”
Miana smiled, and returned the keys to the librarian. Every day, she would take the keys back from the librarian, and enter the chambers beneath the library, to read the books that were kept locked away.
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522




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Hey yrclever =]

Thanks for the PM!

I'll try my best to help you :)

any hold that he might have had on her life. - It might just be because I'm British, but I think 'over' would sound better than 'on' Having a hold 'over' something sounds more like he's in charge. But like I say, it might just be a country thing :)

The truth was that Miana, longed for adventure - I don't think you need the comma here.

“Eneth son of Eron - I think you might need a comma after 'Eneth'

Miana smiled, and returned the keys to the librarian. - You don't need the comma before 'and'

Overall;

It was nice to meet yet another new character - especially as we find out that she is related to Mintrow, who I gather is the protagonist?

I would have liked a little more description of the library as it seemed such an interesting place, but it lacked uniqueness as it wasn't really described at all.

You seem to go a little comma happy in some places and I think you can stand to lose a few throughout the piece.

I'm still enjoying reading your story though and I'd really appreciate it if you could PM me when the next part is up, please?

I hope I've helped a bit - I'm tired and am grumpy - stupid writers block :roll:

xDudettex :)
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hey Yoda,

This was a good read -- thank you! I could easily imagine the whole thing!

Obviously, a few things I found that maybe you could correct? :wink:

The truth was that Miana, longed for adventure, but while she stayed at her father's house, she was not likely to get it.


The first and last comma seem a bit redundant.

And when she grew older, she would read the The Unicorn Tamer every night before she climbed beneath her thick duvet and dreamed of the adventures she so longed for.


Perhaps "when" could become "as"? It sounds a bit like she grew older, and then stopped. The word "when" makes it a more final event, and the word "as" makes it more continuous.
And the duvet? It is your world, after all! It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the time frame. I can't think of an example of another word to be used... Quilt?

Over all though, a nice piece of writing. Not half bad for what you call a "first draft"! (I wish my first drafts looked like this!)

PM me when the next part is up? :) I'd like to follow this, it's intriguing.
The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. I will maim you with a weapon, but destroy you with a word. -- A.C.G




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Hihi!

Thanks for the PM. :)

Miana was High Priest Gondahar the Seventh's sixteen year old daughter.


This is a bit hard to read with two numbers so close together. I'd re-work the info she was sixteen into the scene a bit differently, maybe mentioning for how many out of the sixteen years of her life she'd been reading works of fiction. That would stop this line from having one too many numbers in it.

It didn't bother either Miana or her father to say the least.


"To say the least" implies a rather unique relationship between Miana and her father. I would like some expansion on that relationship, please. Especially with the build-up you had before this line.

The truth was that Miana, longed for adventure, but while she stayed at her father's house, she was not likely to get it.


This line, like some others in here, has a few too many commas. In this case I would delete the one after "Miana" and the one after "house."

As a little girl, she had listened to tales of princesses fighting mythical dragons. And when she grew older, she would read the The Unicorn Tamer every night before she climbed beneath her thick duvet and dreamed of the adventures she so longed for.


I just loved this description. It also uses the proper amount of commas. ^_^

The really interesting books and scrolls in the library, as Miana had discovered fairly early, were those kept hidden in the small cramped rooms beneath the main hall.


I find something about this line feels off. I think it's the phrases "really interesting" and "fairly early." Something about them feels out of place. I think it's an adjective over-load, but I'm not sure. Those terms just feel really modern, when the prose doesn't have that feel normally.

He never disclosed how they had come into his possession.


He or she at the beginning of this sentence? ^_^

She had subconsciously stretched out a hand and allowed the librarian to tip the keys into her hand.


"Hand" is a bit repetitive here. I would replace the second mention with "it."

Miana smiled, and returned the keys to the librarian.


You've changed from past-perfect to simply past here. I would have liked to see that switch earlier. ^_^

Commas: You use a few too many here. There are some places where it's perfect, while in others you use a few too many. I didn't want to over-burden you with a critique saying almost nothing but commas, so I've only pointed out one location. Here is an article for you to check out on commas.

Tense: You start off in present tense here, spend the bulk of the scene in past, and have the dialogue in past-perfect (had been, ect). So many tenses can be a bit jarring. The present tense at the beginning was probably the most jarring for me.

Just a note, when you're using past-perfect in a flash-back, it's usually a good idea to only write one or two lines in past-perfect to make the flashback stick. But, I did like the mention of keys in past-perfect. I'd just switch to past soon after that. ^_^

Character: I really liked Miana's character in this segment. I hope to see her again soon! She was well described and the little things she does tells us her personality. Very nice work on her.

Overall: I'll say this wasn't my favourite segment of this story. The first couple of paragraphs were a bit too info-dumpy for me to be immersed into the scene right away. Once you start talking about Miana it's nice and crisp, your usual style, but the beginning could use a bit more work.

Keep it up! And if you have any questions, drop me a line!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Good evening, Master. ;)

I thought the beginning paragraph was a very good start.

The truth was that Miana, longed for adventure,

Take out the comma after Miana.

... climbed beneath her thick duvet and dreamed of the adventures she so longed for. Her childish fantasies of fighting dragons had long since faded away, but her desire for adventure had only grown. She tried to hold her thirst at bay by reading the great epic works every day inside the library.

This is a great description. Nice choice of words, flowed together very nicely and painted a good picture.

These hidden rooms held the more valuable, more dangerous books of sorcery, black magic, and witchery were locked in these gloomy chambers.

I had a bit of trouble trying to read this. It's not written correctly. I would either take out the bolded part or rework the sentence.

Another set, Miana had discovered per-chance while scrounging around her father's wardrobe.

Per chance = not hyphenated.

She recalled the surprise that had filled her when she had heard how gruff his voice was. She recalled how startled she'd been that he'd approached her.

Recalled is repeated twice here. Maybe "remembered" for the second one.

She recalled his penetrating blue eyes and the wrinkles on his pale cheeks.

I'm starting to think you may purposely be re-using this word for emphasis or something, but if you're not, use something else.

“Miana, daughter of Gondahar the Seventh?” he queried at the time.

Now I'm going to offer a suggestion. Since this is in the past, you could italicize the parts in quotuation marks for effectiveness. It's something I do a lot. Again, just a suggestion.

The librarian had reached a bony hand into his pocket, and had withdrawn a fat bunch of keys.

The repetition of had is beginning to bug me. You could just say "withdrew" here.

Her fingers had tightened involuntarily on the keys.

Since you already used "keys" in the last sentence, you could just say "them". It's okay, we know what you're talking about.

Every day, she would take the keys back from the librarian,

Again, you don't have to repeat "librarian", just say "he/she".

and enter the chambers beneath the library, to read the books that were kept locked away.

Remove the comma after library.

I like the new character you've introduced. "The young maiden who seeks enchanted odyssies and adventures" not the most original archetype ever, but very effective in many stories. Clap, clap young man.

Worx.




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I know this review is WAY overdue, and I do apologize for the long delay. My internet has been shut off for several months, but it is back in commission. Sorry if I repeat anything that has already been covered, I wanted to give you a thorough review, hopefully it is not redundant.


The library of Kavaria lies behind The Monastery of Gondahar, and consequently, a large number of those who frequented its walls were clergymen. Every day, white robed priests could be found pouring over religious scrolls, philosophical texts, and on the odd occasion even the great tales of fiction, the likes of which could not be found in the rest of Garuana.


I think this opening paragraph does a lot more telling then showing. You describe the priests in good detail, but I don't really get a feeling for the setting. How does the library smell? What temprature is it? What does it look like?

Miana was High Priest Gondahar the Seventh's sixteen year old daughter. Rumor had it that she had rebelled, and that the High Priest had lost any hold that he might have had on her life. After all, would High Priest Gondahar the Seventh approve of his sixteen year old daughter spending all of her hours reading fiction? Of course, the mere prospect that she might have rebelled was an absurd rumor that had no doubt come about through gossip.


There are several redundancies in this paragraph. You said his sixteen year old daughter twice, I think you can take the second one out. It definitely isn't necessary. You also said rumor twice. And you said the rumor came about through gossip which isn't redundant but seems a little obvious. I mean how else do rumors get started but through gossip? I think that sentence could be deleted and not affect the quality of your story.

And when she grew older, she would read the The Unicorn Tamer every night before she climbed beneath her thick duvet and dreamed of the adventures she so longed for. Her childish fantasies of fighting dragons had long since faded away, but her desire for adventure had only grown.


I love this side of this character. It makes her feel very real. And the Unicorn Tamer, that was really creative.

She tried to hold her thirst at bay by reading the great epic works every day inside the library.


This is how I feel about good books, I have this unquenchable thirst to read as many as I can.

The really interesting books and scrolls in the library, as Miana had discovered fairly early, were those kept hidden in the small cramped rooms beneath the main hall. These hidden rooms held the more valuable, more dangerous books of sorcery, black magic, and witchery were locked in these gloomy chambers. Only three sets of keys existed that would open these doors.

One set of keys, Miana knew, were held by her cousin Mintrow for safekeeping. He never disclosed how they had come into his possession. Another set, Miana had discovered per-chance while scrounging around her father's wardrobe. She had told nobody about it, but had stolen these keys to use for herself on more than one occasion. She felt guilty, but the urge to read these forbidden books was irresistible.

Few people guessed who had it, when in fact it was stored beneath their very noses.


I think it would sound better if it were replaced with them and they.

She recalled the surprise that had filled her when she had heard how gruff his voice was. She recalled how startled she'd been that he'd approached her.


First thing, you used recalled twice, which is redundant. Secondly, why was she surprised by his gruff voice? Is his appearance deceiving? Has she never heard his voice before today? I'm sure she would have to have heard him talk at least once before now if she spent every day at the library.

She had met his fierce gaze reluctantly but she had not faltered. She recalled his penetrating blue eyes and the wrinkles on his pale cheeks.


You used recalled again here. And you talk about his stare a lot. I think you should just say: She remembered his penetrating blue eyes and the wrinkles on his pale cheeks.

“Miana, daughter of Gondahar the Seventh?” he queried at the time.

“That's me,” she said. [s]She had not turned away from the librarian's cold gaze.[/s]


Miana's response to the librarian's is a bit modern and relaxed. And what is with the formalities? If the librarian is about to hand over her inheritance, don't you think he will already know who she is?

The librarian's hand bulged inside his trouser pocket. “Today is your tenth birthday, is it not?”


Wait, I thought she was sixteen? Why did you suddenly jump back to when she was ten? If all of the action is centered around when she was ten, then I would not change her age until later. Maybe you can have the librarian give her the keys when she is sixteen, instead of at the age of ten. And also, isn't it a bit unorthodox to give her the inheritance before her father passes away? Just somethings to think about.

Every day, she would take the keys back from the librarian, and enter the chambers beneath the library, to read the books that were kept locked away.


How about you change it to say: to read the forbidden books. I think that is more dramatic and it gets rid of some repetiveness.

Characters: I feel like I know a bit about Miana, at least on a personal level. But you never did describe her physically which is an issue for me. Maybe you could talk about her brushing her hair out of her eyes as she delved into an entertaining scroll. Or talk about her elegant hands caressing the aged parchment. As for the librarian, I think you did a good job describing him. You gave us enough details, but intertwined it with the action in the story, that it was a nice balance.

Setting: As I have already said, I would like more description about the library and what it looks like. And I'd really like more description about the lower chambers where the forbidden books are kept. How does she read the books kept there? Is it lit by a dozen candles. Does it smell musty and damp?

Overall: You have such amazing potential and your stories are always so entertaining. I think your character development is very in depth and your plot is just amazing. I think you need help with the minor details, you know smoothing out the rough edges, and the settings seem to need work. But other than that, everything else is just nitpicks. Good job!!! And if you need help with anything else, just PM me the links.
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.



Regret has a flavor and it tastes like the espresso I consumed at 9pm.
— SilverNight