Untitled Chapters 1 and 2

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A/N: This originally had a prologue, but after much thought, I decided to take that out. If you guys think it should have a prologue, I'd be happy to post it up. Also, I had some trouble finding a way to end chapter two. Open to all suggestions. Merci beaucoup! :D


Chapter 1:

My feet pounded against asphalt, my ratty old Sketchers thumping like bass drums. Farther, farther. I had to push myself, one more mile, one more block, just one more.
My calf muscles burned. My legs felt like rubber. My lungs were bursting. Still, I didn’t stop. Just one more, Zeph.
The endorphins kicked in, making my insides flutter in a happy, high frenzy. I soared across the sidewalks, past the pedestrians that I couldn’t recall ever not knowing. I was flying. I was a cheetah. No! I was a falcon, speeding at one hundred twenty miles per hour. The landscape was a blur. The trees were a blur. The pain in my sides was a blur. I didn’t feel anything besides the wonderful sensation of my stretching muscles and the joy-buzz in my brain.
The rhythm of my footsteps matched the frenzied beating of my pulse. One, two, one, two, lub-dub, lub-dub. The weather forecast had promised still air, but even so, wind whipped past my face. It took me a while to realize that perhaps I was the one creating the wind. Not some old god of Norse legend. Who was that, anyway? Thor? No, he was the thunder guy.
The lovely chemical whizzing through my blood stream wouldn’t stop me from feeling pain, though. My knees screamed at me. The cramps in my abdomen complained loudly, attacking me when I didn’t listen. I shook my head, even as the sweat poured into my eyes. Maybe if I pushed myself hard enough, I’d have so much of the happy-brain-nature-drug that it would erase all traces of the hurt and turn me into a perfect little fluttering bird, with wings that could carry me for miles. And I’d fly forever, not ceasing until I reached my destination.
Where exactly that was, however, I had no clue.
Finally, I had to stop because my throat was like a desert and I couldn’t breathe. Leaning against a tree, I checked the pedometer. Six thousand three hundred forty seven steps. I did the math and figured that I’d run a little over three miles. I pushed my sweaty hair off of my forehead and grinned. My head was spinning and my knees threatened to give way underneath me, but I was still filled with joy-buzz.
Straightening up, I walked the two blocks to the 7-11, my legs stiff. I chugged down the bottle of water the second I shoved the crumpled dollar bills at the cashier. The miracle liquid worked its way through my body, transforming the desert in my throat into an oasis.
When I gasped, finally tearing the empty bottle from my lips, the cashier smiled at me and handed back my change.
“Hey,” she said, and I recognized her as Grace, a girl from my English class. “You run?”
I nodded. “Yeah. You?”
“I jog,” she said with a shrug.
“I went three miles just now. The cramps are killing me.”
“Just breathe, Zephyra. We learned last year that they’re caused by a build-up of lactic acid when our body uses more oxygen than we can give it. But wow, three miles! How fast?”
“Well, I started at noon. It took me a few minutes to get here, though. What time is it now?”
“Like, twelve twenty-seven,” she said, checking her watch. “Hey, that’s pretty fast. I guess your name fits you. You are wind.”
I smiled. Not many people were aware of the Greek origins of my name. “Yeah, well, you know. Thanks for the water.”
“Don’t thank me; thank the Poland Springs Company.”
I gave her a half-hearted chuckle and a wave as I left the store and threw the water bottle in a convenient garbage can. Sighing, I detoured through Main Street and took the short way home.


“Zephyra!” my mother exclaimed as I walked through the door. Her eyes were red and puffy, the corners of her lips pulled down in a frown.
“Mom.” I didn’t even try to keep the exasperation from my voice. I instantly regretted coming home. I wanted to turn back around and run until my muscles stretched so wide that they broke my skin and my lungs burst. Anywhere but here, with my mother a mess again.
“Where were you?” she demanded.
“I went for a run,” I said.
“Did I say you could go for a run? I need you.”
Closing my eyes, I gritted my teeth and said nothing. Mom had murdered my happy, innocent endorphins, wiping off the blood and fingerprints so the police wouldn’t find out. Too bad I’d been a witness.
She took a swipe at her eyes before going on. “Can you make lunch for yourself and Pepper? I don’t feel up to it.”
“Sure.”
I walked into the kitchen, finding Pepper already in there with her head in the fridge. I poked her rib and she looked up at me. “Zeph, you making lunch?” she asked.
“Yeah. Any requests?”
She glanced back at the contents of the refrigerator before pulling out a carton of eggs. “They’re the only good things left. Make an omelet.”
As I whisked the eggs, Pepper dumped a spoonful of butter on a skillet and let it heat up. Once the little red stove light turned on, signifying a hot surface, I poured the eggs onto it.
Pepper watched every move I made, recording little picture-memories into her twelve-year-old brain. I scraped the spatula underneath the omelet and turned it over, listening to it sizzle. Pepper’s eyes followed my arm.
“You know, you’ve probably seen me do this a hundred times,” I said. “You could make your own.”
She shook her head, her wild black hair whipping around her face. “No. You’re a better cook.”
I smiled as I turned the stove off and cut the omelet, giving half to her and half to myself. “But you’ll never know unless you try.”
“Trust me. You’re better.”
I shrugged as I stuffed the food into my mouth, shoveling calories into my empty stomach to make up for the ones I’d burned off.
“Pepper,” I said finally, “you think Mom’s alright? I mean, has she done anything crazy again?”
“No,” she replied tentatively. “But I think she’s mad at you for telling Jericho off. I think she’s even madder because you tell them all off.”
“Well, someone needed to! You want her to keep dating assholes? You want her to maybe marry an asshole?”
“No, Zeph. I just want her to be happy.”
“Those guys don’t make her happy, Peps. They just make her forget. That’s all she really wants anymore.”
I got up, dumped my plate in the sink and went upstairs to wash off the stink of sweat, eggs, and stale memories. I turned the shower on, the noise blocking out the rest of the world.
But not before I heard Mom cry, shaky, soul-shattering sobs that could make even the strongest eagle lose its wings.








Chapter 2:

I fought my way through the over-zealous throng of students to the locker that could not possible hold all of the books that I needed. Twirling the combination that had been permanently inscribed into my brain, I watched as armies of girls with ridiculously short skirts and boys with disgustingly saggy jeans marched passed me. Off to battle, I thought.
I pulled A Midsummer Night’s Dream out of my backpack and made my way to first period English. I’d already read what I considered to be Shakespeare’s best work — twice, the first time being in seventh grade. Now in ninth it became “required reading.” In my opinion, reading should not have to be required. People were supposed to want to read.
I took my seat in the middle row, hiding myself behind brown hair and Shakespeare. Puck’s antics were much more interesting than the superficial chatter around me. I felt like I’d just shrunk five feet and was three inches tall. A tiny sparrow, dancing across the pages of the play, I was gone. I closed my eyes, erasing myself until I was just a puff of feathers and muscles.
Someone tapped my shoulder and I was forced to redraw my body and return to the real world. Grace was smiling at me, her 7-11 uniform traded in for jeans and a Rolling Stones t-shirt that was probably older than I was.
I arranged my features into what I hoped resembled a smile and said, “Hi Grace.”
“Hi Zephyra!” she greeted me. If it was anyone else, I’d say that her enthusiasm was forced, but I knew better. Grace was a bird of paradise, glowing and colorful.
She glanced down at the book in my hands and her pretty little petals wilted just a little. “We have a quiz on that today, don’t we?”
I nodded, giving her my best reassuring wink. “Don’t worry. You’ll do fine.”
“No I won’t! I don’t understand a word that guy says. Or, you know, writes.”
“That’s what Spark Notes are for.”
The sound of her laughter was masked by the shrill screech of the bell. Miss Merrigan walked into the room right on cue, her three-inch heals clicking against the linoleum.
“Good morning, class!” She was happy-happy sunshine, the result of several more cups of coffee than could possibly be healthy for one person to ingest in one morning.
The students muttered garbled greetings as Manic Merrigan passed out sheets of paper. “We’ll start right away. You have twenty minutes. Begin at once!”
I finished in half the allotted time and gazed out the open window. The sky was a perfect shade of blue. I knew how the grass would feel beneath my feet, like a carpet of the finest silk. I knew how the air would feel on my skin, like a warm embrace from a long lost friend.
I doodled sneakers and blue jays on the back of my quiz paper. It was prison, being here when the whole world was out there, doing important things like sleeping or running or building the country up from the ashes that the Fire of Illiteracy had created. It should have been illegal, holding us in this building against our will. It was illegal, taking away our constitutional rights. Freedom of speech? Hah! If I opened my mouth, I’d be given a detention for “causing a disruption.” I sighed wistfully. But going home would be a prison as well. Home would be death row.
The twenty minutes were up and Manic Merrigan collected the quizzes, grinning at the pictures my brain had generated.
We spent the remainder of the period discussing Shakespeare’s word choice.
“‘I mean my heart unto yours is knit so that one heart we can make of it,’” Merrigan read. “What do you think that means? Why did he say that?”
My arm rose before I could stop it. “It means that Lysander loves Hermia so much that they become one person, sort of. He can’t not love her.” If only it worked that way in the real world.
“Ah, but then why did he tell her that he didn’t love her later on?”
I frowned. Is she seriously asking me this? “Um, because the fairies messed with his brain?”
She gave me a slightly psychotic giggle and a thumbs-up.
The rest of the day, like so many others before it, was unremarkable. The hours knit together with the weeks and the months, spinning into one long grey spool of thread.
Until lunch. Lunch was neon purple.
I sat at the usual table, second in the row closest to the door. Truth was already there, twiddling her thumbs and crossing her eyes.
“What’re you thinking, Truth?” I asked, recognizing her old deep-in-thought habit.
She blinked, her eyes straightening out, and looked up at me. “I’m thinking that if it’s illegal to kill a praying mantis because it gets rid of pests, it should also be illegal to spiders. I mean, spiders do the same thing, right? But we kill them anyway, and no one give’s a rat’s tushy. So why do we kill them?”
“Um, ‘cause they’re creepy looking?”
“Is that all? Well then, we’re racist against spiders!”
“You can’t be racist against a spider,” Heather said, coming up behind us. “They’re not human; therefore, they have no race.”
Truth rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at Heather.
Heather slid into the seat beside me and nudged my shoulder. “Zeph, are you trying out for the track team? The meeting’s next week.”
“I don’t think so,” I admitted, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
They made noises of “aw” and protests of “why not?”
I shrugged. “I run to run. It’s not some lousy competition between a bunch of sweaty people with too-tight underwear.”
They looked at me like I’d just grown another head.
I sighed and stabbed my fork at the nameless-barely-edible-thing that the cafeteria people decided to make us shove down our throats today.
“But you have to try out!” Truth exclaimed. “You’re the best runner in this school! You might be our only chance of winning this year.”
“Nope, sorry. I’ve made up my mind.”
Truth started to protest, her round little mouth open guppy style, but Heather cut her off. “If she doesn’t want to try out, don’t make her. It’s her decision, after all.”
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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Hey Pen =]

I shall try and review this for ya'. I say try because I couldn't really find anything wrong with it.

my ratty old Sketchers thumping like bass drums. - Although this is a nice description, I don't know if it sounds right. Do the Sketchers really make the noise? Or is it the sound they make when they strike the ground?

The cramps in my abdomen complained loudly, - I don't know if 'loudly' is the right word. Maybe 'intensly' or 'fiercly.' 'Loudly' makes it sound as if her abdomen is quite literally screaming at her.

I poked her rib - This makes it sound as though she only has one rib. I'd re-phrase it.

In my opinion, reading should not have to be required. People were supposed to want to read. - I totally agree with this statement :D

She glanced down at the book in my hands and her pretty little petals wilted just a little. - This may just be me, but I don't get this sentence. I think it's the 'petals' bit that confuses me :?

I sighed and stabbed my fork at the nameless-barely-edible-thing that the cafeteria people decided to make us shove down our throats today. - I'd add in 'had' after 'people'

Overall;

I really love your writing style. The words just seem to flow and it was easy and enjoyable to read.
The only thing I think you were lacking was description of the surroundings. It was kind of hard to imagine the setting. In some parts there was wonderful imagery and I could really picture what was happening, but other times there was, well, nothing. A little balancing out will make this piece even more wonderful.
I loved how you related peoples actions/looks/feelings to birds too. It added a little originality to the piece.
Overall, I really liked it. I'd love to read more. I don't really know what the main plot of this story is yet, so it will be interesting to read the next part.

I hope this was of some help to you!

xDudettex :D
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hola, darling! Music here. :)


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

The lovely chemical whizzing through my blood stream wouldn’t stop me from feeling pain, though.
Darling, you just said that your pain was a blur in the other paragraph. Which is it? :wink:


Finally, I had to stop because my throat was like a desert, and I couldn’t breathe. Leaning against a tree, I checked the pedometer. Six thousand, three hundred, and forty seven steps.


I poked her rib, and she looked up at me.


I got up, dumped my plate in the sink, and went upstairs to wash off the stink of sweat, eggs, and stale memories.


I fought my way through the over-zealous throng of students to the locker that could not [s]possible[/s]possibly hold all of the books that I needed.


Now, in ninth, it became “required reading.”


“I’m thinking that if it’s illegal to kill a praying mantis because it gets rid of pests, it should also be illegal to kill spiders. I mean, spiders do the same thing, right? But we kill them anyway, and no one give[s]’[/s]s a rat’s tushy. So why do we kill them?”


I sighed and stabbed my fork at the nameless[s]-[/s], barely-edible[s]-[/s] thing that the cafeteria people decided to make us shove down our throats today.



Language Usage: Well written, very descriptive; good job. Be careful that you aren't too repetitive in what you are saying, though. Be sure to use different synonyms if you use a word many times in one, confined part. :wink:


Imagery & Emotion: While your imagery was gorgeous and very apparent at most parts, your emotion was lacking. I want to feel more boredom from the narrator. More happy in the beginning. Please use something other than buzz (it's a good word, but you overused it, darling)- try joyous, cheery, exultation, festive, glee, heck- plain old excited!


Characters: I was intrigued. I like this type of character. I'd like to see the narrator's bond with Grace grow more, but learn more about her friends (Truth and Heather) so they're not completely lacking a personality. The mother. I've seen the character a lot of times, but I think you could make her different somehow. Perhaps combine the "dates losers" thing with the "depressed, doesn't do anything at all; giving up and relies on her oldest child" thing and get a good character! Also, I need to see a little more of the flaws in the narrator come out in future chapters. Just subtly, my darling, but apparent nonetheless. :)


Plot: Sounds interesting! I want to see where you're going with this.


Keep this up! PM me with any questions and please notify me when you post more!

Love,
Music
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Alrighty Pen! You have have five requests left from winning my contest!

The rhythm of my footsteps matched the frenzied beating of my pulse. One, two, one, two, lub-dub, lub-dub.


Nice metaphor here, but I'm not sure how much I like it. I've run before, and felt my pule go wild. Usually my footsteps don't match the lub-dub rhythm. The time between the two beats is a bit too irregular to time your footsteps too. (I have tried, and failed, to match them.)

However, if it were just "lub," which is more rhythmic in nature, then that would make sense. And since her pulse is going faster, it makes even more sense. ;)

It took me a while to realize that perhaps I was the one creating the wind.


I think this sentence would be better with commas around "perhaps." It would make her seem a bit more confidant.

Leaning against a tree, I checked the pedometer.


"My pedometer" would make a bit more sense, since right now it's hard to tell who this pedometer belongs to. ;) Or, you could put "the pedometer at my hip" to get the same effect.

I pushed my sweaty hair off of my forehead and grinned.


I think you could replace the "my" after "pushed" with "the," since we know it's her hair since it's on her forehead.

Straightening up, I walked the two blocks to the 7-11,


This feels a little incomplete to me. Had she been going to the 7-11 before hand? If so, put "remaining" after "two." If she hadn't been going there, then I would still rewrite this sentence so it's clearer she's just going there for convenience.

"Just breathe, Zephyra. We learned last year that they’re caused by a build-up of lactic acid when our body uses more oxygen than we can give it.


"We learned" implies that both Zephyra and Grace learned this fact. Why doesn't Zephyra remember?

“Like, twelve twenty-seven,” she said, checking her watch.


I find that "like" at the beginning a bit misplaced. If Grace is checking her watch, wouldn't she be sure of herself?

“Did I say you could go for a run? I need you.


Why does her mother need her?

wiping off the blood and fingerprints so the police wouldn’t find out. Too bad I’d been a witness.


This metaphor made me think a murder had actually happened. It took me a moment to realize that the "blood" was the feeling of endorphins. Make that a little clearer so readers don't do a double take. :)

I smiled as I turned the stove off and cut the omelet, giving half to her and half to myself.


You're missing a mention of plates in here. ;)

I mean, has she done anything crazy again?”


Ohh, again? What has she done before?

You can just add one or two examples by putting "like" after "crazy" and listing them. ^_^

They just make her forget.


Forget what? ^_^ (You can add this in later, I'm just pointing out that if you don't have a later, put some sort of hint in now)

Grace was a bird of paradise, glowing and colorful.

She glanced down at the book in my hands and her pretty little petals wilted just a little.


Nice imagery, but you change what Grace is between line one and line two. In line one she's a bird, in line two she is a flower. Both are beautiful metaphors, but pick one to focus on when they're so close together. ^_^

the result of several more cups of coffee than could possibly be healthy for one person to ingest in one morning.


Loved it, loved it, loved it!

My arm rose before I could stop it. “It means that Lysander loves Hermia so much that they become one person, sort of. He can’t not love her.”


When I went to school, if you talked before the teacher called on you, you weren't going to get called on. That might be different in your school, but just to point out.

On the other hand, nice way to show how eager she is!

Is she seriously asking me this?


Thoughts should be in italics. ;)

“I’m thinking that if it’s illegal to kill a praying mantis because it gets rid of pests, it should also be illegal to spiders. I mean, spiders do the same thing, right? But we kill them anyway, and no one give’s a rat’s tushy. So why do we kill them?”
“Um, ‘cause they’re creepy looking?”
“Is that all? Well then, we’re racist against spiders!”
“You can’t be racist against a spider,” Heather said, coming up behind us. “They’re not human; therefore, they have no race.”


All I'm thinking while reading this is: Some spiders are poisonous. That's why we kill them.

Now, that could be me just going on geek mode, but I find it a little surprising how your MC knows about endorphins but doesn't know why we kill spiders.

“If she doesn’t want to try out, don’t make her. It’s her decision, after all.”


I like this ending. It wraps things up nicely.

~

Characters: You have a pretty solid MC here. She's got some good quirks, and you make (most of) her reasoning known. One thing that makes me a bit detached from this MC is how she knows only select parts of some topics. Endorphins and lactic acid, for example. I always thought the two went together. Like I said in the nit-picks, that could just be me going into geek mode, but, still, explain that please.

Another place I find your MC hard to understand is when she's talking about situations that happen a lot, like why school/her classes are a battle and her mother's boyfriends. We're not given any reasons why she thinks that way, only that she thinks that way. This makes her seem a bit cruel when it comes to the boyfriends. There are too many options for her personality for her thinking school/class is a battle to list in their entirety, but a sample is: out-casted, bored, annoyed, anti-social and more. Since this is the beginning and you want to set your MC up solid, I would make those reasons more concrete so we don't feel like she just lashes out.

Metaphors: As usual, you have not disappointed in your use of metaphors! However, I would watch that you make them clear. The blood and police metaphor at the beginning is one where you need to make it clearer. Go through everything you've written and make sure it's clear where all those metaphors link into.

Something else I would watch for is that you stay consistent with your metaphors when describing something. If you talk about this being one thing at the beginning of a sentence, keep describing that object in the same manner. Take how you were talking about Grace in the classroom scene. I pointed the reasons out in my nit-pick.

Plot: So many options with plot! This beginning has brought in tensions between your MC and her mom, the track team, Grace and school stuff. I hope you manage to tie it all into one work without losing any ideas, is what I'm saying. It would be a shame to think one element will become important, only to find it's not.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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I won't do all the grammer stuff, because everyone else has already pointed it out. I'd just like to say the story is very interesting, easy to read, and kind of go with the flow. But you should just add some more details in. As in, describe the characters more, and I feel like I'm lost in a bubble. Describe the setting! Besides that, try to spice the story up. It needs some flavor. :)
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Okay! Thank you guys so much for the helpful reviews. It seems there's been some confusion about the bird of paradise thing, though? A bird of paradise is, actually, a type of tropical flower. Google it. It's really pretty. Plus, it gives me another bird allusion and a nice metaphor, so it seemed perfect. But if it's unclear, I'll change it. :wink:
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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'ello! I like it so far, though I do have a few little nitpicks/comments.

My first nitpick is the names. To quote George Carlin, "What happened to Bob? Where did he go?" I mean, I get that you want the character to be unique, and maybe if you have something where the main character is a hero going to fulfill some prophecy, then maybe you want the name to have a meaning. However, if it's just a book about people, well, in real life, names are just names. They can have meanings, but rarely do they relate to who you are. Personally, the names are bugging me. I mean, one person can have a different sort of name, but when they all have names that are like, derived from ancient Greek and are words in the dictionary, then that starts to make me twitch.

Also, I must agree that in the beginning, you do contradict yourself quite a lot with pain/happiness thing. I'm sitting there like, "Oh, she's happy, no wait, she's in pain, oh, but it's only a little, no, it's a lot, she's stopping, but wait, she's still happy. Wait, what?"

However, you do get a thumbs up for the psychopathic English teacher. Gee, i wonder who that could be based off of?

Anyway, other than me weird pet peeve with names, so far so good! Not sure how helpful this review was, since most of it was me ranting on about the names... :P
So it goes.




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Explosive_Pen wrote:Okay! Thank you guys so much for the helpful reviews. It seems there's been some confusion about the bird of paradise thing, though? A bird of paradise is, actually, a type of tropical flower. Google it. It's really pretty. Plus, it gives me another bird allusion and a nice metaphor, so it seemed perfect. But if it's unclear, I'll change it. :wink:


I finally got around to Googling this thing. A bird of paradise is both a bird and a flower.I think most of the hits you'll get are for the bird, as well.

Since we're both right, it's up to you to change it. ^_^
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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**sighs** Twinness, I hate reviewing your work...It always seems like there aren't enough mistakes in it to correct. Especially after Rosey's done XD. Alright, so, since you didn't specify I guess I'll do an overview...Oh, and thanks for using my thread! :D

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Love is a paradox.
And that's why we love it.

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Twin, [s]dear[/s], I finally got around to reviewing this! :D Please kill me if I call you 'dear' or 'darling' in this review, 'kay? XD Aaaanywayz, thanks for using my thread!

:arrow: Grammar - I think Rosey and Music basically covered all of this part. And, I'm not a grammar Nazi (unlike you)! :roll:

:arrow: Characters - Nice MC you have going on here. She seems rather odd to me, but I think that's the way you intended...But, I don't really agree with Rosey (don't kill me!!), I like the way that she doesn't say what exactly is going through her head with boyfriends. For me, it hints that she's a teenager and going through the all-guys-suck stage. It helps me realize what her age, and relate to her a little more. Moreover, it makes her actions more understandable. But, I'm a little biased since I know you, and I know what you mean...XD. But, I would totally add a flashback about the mother's boyfriends. It would help to show what the mom's character is like, as well as add sympathy from the reader for what Zeph is going through. And, it would emphasize the mood...And, I think I'm getting ahead of myself XD. :backtotopic: Alright, so, I would add a little more about Grace's character too. What is she like in school? Is Zeph close to her? I mean, seeing that you're writing this, she must be opinionated! Is she smart? Or dumb? Does she like Shakespeare? Y'know? But, considering that this is just the first two chapters, this isn't bad. Add a little now, or if it doesn't fit, later? Ya? :P

:arrow: Flow/pace - I liked the flow in this. I didn't really think you needed transitions or anything. But, then again, when do you miss transitions?! Aaanywayz, on to the pace. I would totally add a prologue to this. Like, I'm interested in the story, but it would help if I had something to keep that interest. So far, nothing much has happened. I mean, she ran, went to school, came home. Describe her school day a little more. Like, you say that lunch was neon purple. Now, I know what you mean by that. But, I doubt that anyone else who isn't used to your writing style and doesn't know you in person would know. What exactly happens? Who are her friends? What do they talk about (please don't say that it's what we talk about. I don't think that the people who are reading it will understand...XD)? Who are her friends? Is she social? Antisocial? Y'know? Normally this would be under characterization; but, I think that I can relate to her. However, I would like some more things to happen during these two chapters. And, I think adding some humor about lunch would achieve that goal.

:arrow: Overall - ^_^ Normally I would have a lot more to say than that. But, honestly those are the only mistakes I really saw. Descriptions were fine and so was the mood. She seems to be fluctuating in her thoughts and I really enjoy that about her. It makes her a lot more relatable...Anywayz, nice job on this! Gold star for you...as usual...Thanks for using my thread! And, I'm so proud of myself! I didn't say dear! :D
Love is the answer to life yet the slowest form of suicide.
Love is a paradox.
And that's why we love it.

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Hey El!

I noticed a few things that bothered so I'll just note them down for you :)

“Just breathe, Zephyra. We learned last year that they’re caused by a build-up of lactic acid when our body uses more oxygen than we can give it. But wow, three miles! How fast?” - I'm a stickler for dialogue lol This line of dialogue just seems a bit clunky and unnatural. What I try and do is think, would someone actually say this? Would I say this? I think Zephs dialogue is fine and that is probably because you know her character better. Perhaps you could try something like - "Woah! Three miles? How fast?" - To me her shock at the three miles would take precedence over telling her about cramps and telling her to breathe. But that's just me...feel free to ignore me xD

She took a swipe at her eyes before going on. - This sounds odd to me. Took a swipe is more like a punching action to me. I was like..she hit her eyes? haha Maybe use a different word?

The ending of chapter one was really powerful. I loved the last line :)

I fought my way through the over-zealous throng of students to the locker that could not possible hold all of the books that I needed. - I think you meant possibly.

Well I couldn't find anything else! lol

I love how you write, you paint such a great picture of the spaces and the characters. I can already see Zeph in my head and you didn't really describe her! ^^

I look forward to reading more!

Bex x



Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality