Young Writers Society

Alone

Mother's laying on the ground,
Lifeless, breathless, dead.
A pair of glassy eyes, a plastered scream,
On her cold, pale head.


How could this fever strip me,
of all my childhood?
If I knew what started it,
Forgive...I never could.


I dreaded for this day to come,
Here it is at last,
Crying silent tears,
For my pierced and faded past.


The town bells ring,
A signal to all, mocking my own ears,
Over and over,
My God-given fears.


Is there no one here,
To shelter me?
Am I left to walk alone,
Along this dead and blackened sea?

In my bed at midnight strike,
Ebony all around me,
I hear mournful, deathlike
Screams of agony.


Mom, dad, seven brothers all past,
Ninefold misery,
Is what this life on earth,
Has bestowed upon me.


To this day I wonder,
What went terribly so wrong,
For me to earn this morbid sorrow,
And loves droned out song.


So, what happens now,
I shall never know.
Only that I wish to die
peaceful and aglow.

WELL. . .IM SORRY ABOUT WAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOTHER IF ITS ABOUT HER. BUT BESIDES THAT I LIKED THIS.

It did not actually happen to me. Thanks for reading it.

It's very deep, I like it. A few things though:

1) I like "a plastered scream" very visual.
2) "ON her cold pale head" It would work better if you replaced head with face.
3) "The town bells ring" maybe a - would work after this sentence to explain that more information would follow.


It's very deep and kind of disturbing ( but not in a bad way ) I like it.

Jesus Christ! My god, that is sad. I almost started crying. Your good at emotion in your poems. And I'm glade that this poem wasn't real. You have a way with words. You truly are a poet. You had rhythm, emotion, and vocabulary. That is what gets you to be an expert writer. Still, even though it's sad, I just love the way you put that emotion in there. Your on your way to great success, Dear.

Hello emmylou, I shall be your reviewer for today.

Nit-Picks:

Over and Over,

My god given fears.

The second over does not need to be capitalized and god given should be god-given.

Has brought for me.

You may find to me instead of "for me" sounds better.

How could this fever strip me

of all my childhood?

"Of" should be capitalized.

A pair of glassy eyes, a plastered scream

On her cold, pale head.

You've created some excellent visualization here. It's my favorite line. This isn't really a nit-pick, but I just wanted to let you know.

I found this poem very saddening, thick with emotion, and quite captivating. This wouldn't happen to be about an epidemic, would it? Because what was running through my mind was a story about a girl whose mother died tragically by Scarlet Fever or something along the lines of that. You really did a nice job of putting the reader in the setting, so kudos to you.

I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work, because this was excellent. A gold star for you!

awwww. Good poem. It gave me the visual of an old village from like the 1700s with the church bells ringing. Or maybe around the 1800s. I don't know. But I really liked it. Keep up the good work. I almost cried, thinking about me own mom. I first clicked on the poem because I wrote one a while ago for school called 'Alone' and in mine, a girl's father died of cancer. But who cares about that? I should post it one day.
But any-who. Nice work and keep it up:)

Thanks for the help and advice! I worked on this poem for a while. Glad you liked it. I have another poem called "Look at the Children". It is posted in the dramatic poetry forum, along with this poem. I like this one more by far. Please tell me if it is good.

By the way, Puppykiss, did you mean glad when you said glade? Just wondering. I am a nit picker.

That was amazing. I really liked the flow and emotion in your poem. It kept me hooked and wanting to read more. It was powerful and made me cry a little.

I did not realize this was such a powerful poem. Thanks for telling me! I did try to include emotion, though.

This is a lovely, sentimental poem with a beautiful rhythm and rhyme scheme.

However, I am not too sure about this line

If I knew what started it,

Forgive it I'd never nor could.

The second line is just a bit confusing at first. I have to reread it in order to figure out what it is saying. I think the problem is in 'I'd'. It disturbs the flow. You also don't really need 'nor could'. I think it would sound better if it were just 'Forgive it I never would.' It would just make it a little punchier.

Overall, the poem is very enjoyable, though sad.

Well done.

Nathan.

It is beautiful. I hate to say that any work needs work, because we put so much into the original copy, but some of the things I read were incorrect. First, If you speak like you are talking in an older, and more refined way at first,(which fits with the poem) then you should probably stick with that way of talking the entire way through. The only exception to this rule is if its for effect. That is the exception to every rule. It didn't seem to be in this case. So maybe you should think about removing the "Moms" and "Dads." but I may be interpreting this wrong. keep writing, it sounds great.

Again, I'm not very good at critiquing poetry, but I'm finding the more I do it for you, the more enjoyable it becomes. All the same this is going to be a bad review, so I do apologize if I am zero help.

Mother's laying on the ground

Lifeless, breathless, dead.

A pair of glassy eyes, a plastered scream

On her cold, pale head.

Morbid. I agree that pale head would work better as pale face, but I realize you are trying to rhyme. Perhaps you could change dead to rhyme with face. What words rhyme with face? Base, chase, erase, haste, mace, paste, race, taste, vase, waste...That's all I can come up with, but maybe that helps?

My god-given fears.

I think God should be capitalized.

Am I left to walk alone,

Along this dead and blackened sea?

I love this imagery, very powerful.

In my bed at midnight strike,

Blackness all around me.

I hear mournful, deathlike

Screams of agony.

I know you are describing a dark time that involves death, but the repetitive use of black, dark, and death is kind of annoying. Perhaps you could come up with different words with the same meaning.

Overall: I like your poem, although it is very disturbing and sad, it is poignant and the rhyming doesn't seem childish. Good job. (Hope that helped.)

I tryed to make my poem better, although I dont know if I succeeded. Please, someone tell me if it is better!

Really enjoyed your poem. So sad to read yet so beautiful.