My First and Final Escape

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After fifteen years of living in the dark, those first glimpses of sunlight are both blinding and beautiful.

But at the same time, after those years in the dark, I was terrified. Looking around me, all that I could see was a glow of unknown and I didn’t know what to do.

My eyes slowly adjusted to the sun and I surveyed my surroundings. I’d seen pictures of the outside world but only on television screens or magazines, never experienced them in such a vivid way. It seemed every leaf had a color all its one and the texture of the bark held groves in it that I had never thought real. They had always seemed so two-dimensional.

And the blades of grass had such a smell. They brushed across my naked flesh and I almost laughed. But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. They had killed my laughter with cruel gestures and rough hands.

I was a scrawny thing, caked in dirt and cavernous grime, now curled into a heap on the ground. Yes, finally, I was free, finally I wasn’t they’re prisoner, and now finally, I had a greater reason to fear then ever before. Because for the first time in my life, I was alone.

How long had I been there plaything? Fifteen years didn’t seem like enough. They had raised me as an infant to be cute, as a child to be amusing and simple, and eventually, as the years crept on and they saw the “charm” of my looks, it was a different entertainment that they craved from me.

I heard a sudden screech and looked over the hilltop, expecting to see they’re greedy minions scrounging through the horizon looking for me. Instead I watched with intense curiosity and dismay as a large winged beast swept down from the sky, touched the ground and returned to flight with a small something gripped in its claws.

Had I just witnessed murder? Yes, it seemed a murder of survival? But was death the only contribution that the small earth-bound creatures could make to the circle of life? I didn’t think so. Yet in the back of my mind, a little voice whispered to me. You should take a lesson from the predator. Now, more then ever, your life is about survival.

I looked around again, at least realizing the beauty in the soft white clouds that feathered through the pale blue skies.

And I stood up, understanding what that little voice had meant. I couldn’t fear what I didn’t know, the most unknown fear of all being death. Rather, I had to go out and survive without fear.

I had made my first and final escape.


--------------------


Lily's Notes: I began this only be a contest piece to really give meaning to the term "fearless." If you don't find it in the reading, it really just means being able to walk onward and, not so much ridding yourself of fear but rather about not letting fear hinder your progression and your survival.


Also, though I didn't plan on it, I may continue taking this further. If you have any suggestions or comments, please make them. Thank you.
Last edited by lilymoore on Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Twenty One
Helllo there again, Lily. I like this piece a lot more than the other piece that I reviewed, it was just a lot more original and creative, not that the other piece was bad...

This piece rather made me think of the Josef Fritzel, excuse the spelling if it is wrong, case. Someone being locked in their own home for all the years and being raped &c. &c.

Anyway, I'm going to do a line-by-line critique so that I can go over my individual comments, and then I'm going to do a small review at the end.

The title, I do like to go over the title before reading the piece, and perhaps after too in order to re-evaluate my opinions and see if any of them were correct.

My First and Final Escape Your titles seem to be very literal and just as they seem, they don't mess about with complicated expressions or anything, they just get straight to the point. This is fine, but I think you could change it a bit, make it a bit more abstract, something to add interest. The first and final escape could be about someone quite simply escaping from somewhere for the first time, and perhaps dying so they won't ever be able to escape again, or maybe final because there'll be no need to ever escape again. Then the title could mean like a spiritual release, like being released from some metaphysical presence, again that's not meant to sound like it is anything Ghost related, because it's not.

Shall we...
Lily's Notes: I began this only be a contest
The phrasing is wrong here, and as much as it doesn't really matter why should we take your piece seriously if you've not created notes that are easy to comprehend? Instead of 'I began this only be a contest...' change it to 'I began this as a contest...'
piece to really give meaning to the term "fearless." If you don't find it in the reading, it really just means being able to walk onward and, not so much ridding yourself of fear but rather about not letting fear hinder your progression and your survival.
As much as I enjoy this thought I think you should nix it. We should be able to comprehend your meaning through the piece, or it should be too good for us to comprehend by being too philosophically incredible and such. This sort of ruins the whole piece, in fact I think you could just take out all of the notes, this doesn't add anything to your story, and everything in it could have been worked out by us.


Rated as such for suggestive ideas in the subject matter. No details, only suggested sexual activity.
I think this would be better in the topic description part instead of here, that way you might get more people reading and reviewing it, yes?


Also, though I didn't plan on it, I may continue taking this further. If you have any suggestions or comments, please make them. Thank you.
I think you should put this at the end, it reads better if you put this at the end of the piece.



----------------





After fifteen years, of living in the dark, those first glimpses of sunlight can be blinding and beautiful.
Right, first of all you don't need the first comma, it is not used properly, besides that I rather enjoyed this first sentence, it provided insight into this person's life and does so rather subtly. You don't merely tell us that she had been locked up for fifteen years, you take something that she would find rather surprising after all the years and turn that into your first sentence, I like that. However, I'm not sure about the use of can be, they would be not can be. Furthermore I think this is too much of a happy coincedence, the first day she's released is a nice day, I think having a terrible weathered day would be better, more atmospheric and interesting. To me everything seems more real and beautiful on horrible days, so I think that would add a new dimension to this story.


But at the same time, after those years in the dark, I was terrified. Looking around me, all that I could see was a glow of unknown and I didn’t know what to do.
I like this, but I think you could expand upon it. I like the meaning of in the dark, the way you're in the dark as in not knowing, about the light, yet they're opposites, so to speak. If that makes sense. I like the irony of the glow of unknown, as glow implies that something is clear, blinding, but rather the unknown would be a haze, not a glow.


My eyes slowly adjusted to the sun and I surveyed my surroundings. I’d seen pictures of the outside world but only on television screens or magazines, never experienced them in such a vivid way. It seemed every leaf had a color all its one and the texture of the bark held groves in it that I had never thought real. They had always seemed so two-dimensional.
As much as I like the ideas here you could most definitely expand upon them, elaborate, add some more imagery, make them more interesting.


And the blades of grass had such a smell. They brushed across her naked flesh and she almost laughed. But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. They had killed my laughter with cruel gestures and rough hands.
I absolutely adore this, this is lovely, lovely abstract imagery, which is my favourite. As much as I find the person change slightly confusing I shall ignore it for want of this lovely imagery, truly, truly beautiful. Shall I stop rambling now?xD


I was a scrawny thing, caked in dirt and cavernous grime, now curled into a heap on the ground. Yes, finally, I was free, finally I wasn’t they’re
Their
prisoner, and now finally, I had a greater reason to fear then ever before. Because for the first time in my life, I was alone.
See, I think this could be a really powerful part, it could be very emotive, but yet it's not. Maybe I'd split these up into little sentence fragments? That way they might be more... atmospheric and beautiful.


How long had I been there plaything?
Their
Fifteen years didn’t seem like enough. They had raised me as an infant to be cute, as a child to be amusing and simple, and eventually, as the years crept on and they saw the “charm” of my looks, it was a different entertainment that they craved from me.
Good way to casually slip in something that could be... much less casual.


I heard a sudden screech and looked over the hilltop, expecting to see they’re
Their
greedy minions scrounging through the horizon looking for me. Instead I watched with intense curiosity and dismay as a large winged beast swept down from the sky, touched the ground and returned to flight with a small something gripped in its claws.


Had I just witnessed murder? Yes, it seemed a murder of survival? But was death the only contribution that the small earth-bound creatures could make to the circle of life? I didn’t think so. Yet in the back of my mind, a little voice whispered to me. You should take a lesson from the predator. Now, more then ever, your life is about survival.


I looked around again, at least realizing the beauty in the soft white clouds that feathered through the pale blue skies.


And I stood up, understanding what that little voice had meant. I couldn’t fear what I didn’t know, the most unknown fear of all being death. Rather, I had to go out and survive without fear.


I had made my first and final escape.


Okay, sorry that this review is rather small but anyway.

I liked this, I felt that it could be more emotive and poignant, but that's just a matter of personal opinion.

The way to pursue this is to change the sentence structures, add some fragments, elongate some sentences, change some words, add a little more imagery.

Just keep working on it and it should be good.

Anyway, I did like the abstract imagery, it was beautiful.

Any questions just PM me;
~Kirsten
for what are we without words and stories?




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Hi! Here as requested.
I know you asked me to do an overview, but some things were bugging me, so I'll just get those out of the way first, 'kay?

It seemed every leaf had a color all its one and the texture of the bark held groves in it that I had never thought real.

One should be own and groves should be grooves.

How long had I been there plaything?

There should be their.

expecting to see they’re greedy minions

Again, they're should be their.

Yes, it seemed a murder of survival?

I don't think there should be a question mark there. Methinks a period would be fine. If you had meant it as a question, however, then perhaps rephrase it to read: "Yes, but had it been a murder for survival?" Or something to that effect.

I looked around again, at least realizing the beauty in the soft white clouds that feathered through the pale blue skies.

The term "at least" works here, but there's something in the back of my brain that's telling me it's a typo and should be "at last".



Alright! Nothing else bugged me about this, so onto the overview!

I liked the title, and repeating it in the last line of you story had a nice, memorable effect.
However, I feel like your main character was a little... detatched? I didn't feel like you got inside her head enough. You could have moldeed her into someone who was deeply scarred. I mean, if I'd've never seen the light of day, had to go through that torture, and had finally escaped, I would have been on my knees crying, you know? You can make this into a real tear-jerker if you want.
Other than that, it was a fine read. You have this way of seamlessly incorporating her thoughts and memories, so that rather than flashback, they become part of the story. The theme is powerful - just add more emotion.
Overall, good job.
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Hey, Lily. Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. I see it only got a couple of critiques, though, so I hope you won't mind a bit of extra help. ;)

This is a good piece. it caught my attention and held it from the beginning. I was never compelled to go to a different window, so you know you've got the hook down well. I've just got a few small nit picks, since a lot of other stuff has been raked over already.

It seemed every leaf had a color all its one and the texture of the bark held groves in it that I had never thought real.


Should "one" be "own" here? I think so. Anyway, something seems off in the sentence.

And the blades of grass had such a smell. They brushed across my naked flesh and I almost laughed. But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. They had killed my laughter with cruel gestures and rough hands.


This is a brilliant paragraph. Nothing to criticise here, but I thought I'd point it out. I think it's my favourite part of the piece.

Yes, finally, I was free, finally I wasn’t they’re prisoner, and now finally, I had a greater reason to fear then ever before.


"they're" should be "their". With this sentence, you might want to try experimenting to see if you can find something more effective than "finally." Adverbs are a pet peeve of mine, and too many of them in a close range can be jarring. As it is, three in one sentence goes a bit overboard, I think. I like the sentiment of the sentence and the idea of repetition is a good one, but maybe try to think of something a little different.

How long had I been there plaything?


*"their". The paragraph is rather chilling. It gives the exact effect you were going for.

I won't nit pick any more. There are a few other grammar mistakes that I think you can find, or maybe others have already pointed them out. It's a good piece, and i would like to see it expanded on, like you said on the notes. You may have already, since it's been so long.

It was an interesting read, though. Remember to cut down on adverbs in a short period of time. Spaced out, they're all right, for the most part. But a lot of the time they come across as blatant telling. Try to have a look through your pieces for them.

Hope this helped,

-Mat




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Hiya!
This was really good and I liked the way you wrote it! I have a couple of things for you that I found, though.

'a color all its one and the texture'

its own

'Yes, finally, I was free, finally I wasn’t they’re prisoner'

their. Should there be a comma after the finally?

'I been there plaything?'

Their.

'I looked around again, at least realizing the beauty'

I know that 'at least' fits into that sentence, but my brain thinks more 'at last'. But it's your story, so whatever you think is best.

I enjoyed this piece and I hope this helped!

~Tayla
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Anonymous

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
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Hey Lily ^^ Shina here for a review ;)

I'm on an overall spree today :P

Overall
First things first, your title. I feel like it's halfway hooking, halfway not.

"My First and Final Escape"

The beginning of it takes away it's charm, its vague charm. It makes it sound like one of those stories you write in elementary school where the title says all.

"My Trip to the Zoo"

Second, you're also half and half when it comes to showing and telling. You're right smack in the middle.

It seemed every leaf had a color all its one and the texture of the bark held groves in it that I had never thought real.


And the blades of grass had such a smell.

You're going for the right idea by going for texture and smell, but your comparisons are where it gets tell-y.

What is "such" a smell?

For thirds, some of it is an info-dump and you linger on some topics too long. For example, the first time being free and how things look like in the real world. There also doesn't seem to be much conflict the way you end it. There's no cliffhanger, really. The MC says "I have to go out there without fear".

Conflict? Is he having trouble with this? He scared? He looking for something.

-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

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