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The Triangle Effect



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Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:51 pm
Theodorable says...



Chapter 4 Date?

I was walking toward the front of the school to wait for Everett when Derron came up from behind me.
“Hey, Chris! Waiting for Everett?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Giving me the cold shoulder, are you?” His eyebrows wiggled on his forehead.
“Yes.” My smirk warned him that I was kidding though, because my eyes were smiling.
“Then you’re going to get in trouble with me.” He was so corny.
“Oh, no!” I said in mock horror, my hands coming up to frame my face. “What are you going to do to me?”
“This!” He reached for me and met his mark. He tickled me ruthlessly, not giving me anytime to protest.
“Derron Patrick O’Hare! Stop!” I pleaded. I was leaning against him for support to stay standing.
“Hey Derron, why don’t you stop and let her breath?”
I turned to look and met Everett’s gaze. Derron let me go, his cheeks going bright red. I took a step away. Derron had a look on his face like a boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.
“Sorry Chris. I guess that I got a little carried away.”
“It’s okay, Derron, I do it to you. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to do it to me.”
“No, a guy should never keep at what he is doing if the girl doesn’t want him to continue.” Everett had taken a step toward me while he said this. Now he turned to me and asked if I was okay. I said that I was, but when I looked back up at Derron he wasn’t there.
I looked back at Everett and saw concern in his eyes. He cared about things that other guys didn’t. He was more wonderful than I could imagine.
“Are you ready to tutor me?”
“Oh, right. Let’s go.”
We walked to my car and he started to smile. “What?” I asked.
“You drive a bug.”
“What’s wrong with a bug?”
“Nothing. I have some memories in a bug. That’s all.”
“Oh, well get in.” We got in and were half-way to my house when he turned on the radio. “What do you like?”
“Basically anything, I don’t really care.” He turned it to an oldie station and “Abracadabra” filled the car. Everett was obviously a fan of this song, because he started to sing along. I smiled to myself thinking of what was going through his mind.
All of a sudden when the chorus continued and said “gonna reach out and grab ya” Everett grabbed my arm and I jumped.
“Oh, sorry. I normally do that to my mom.” Did he really? That seemed a little strange.
“It’s okay; you just caught me off guard.”
“I won’t do it again.”
“I don’t mind, I really don’t care what you do, as long as you don’t make me wreck.”
We arrived at my house seven minutes later without any mishaps or contact. “Do you want something to eat or do you want to get to work?”
“We can get straight to work if you don’t mind.”
We headed up to my room. When we got there he stopped in my doorway. “Come on in.”
“Are you sure we should be in here?” He asks me.
“Oh my parents don’t care I can sit on my bed while you sit at my desk.”
He walked over to my desk, took out his book and turned to chapter seven. “Okay, I started having trouble with seven. Then I didn’t understand anything after that.”
I explained chapter seven and gave him a few problems to figure out. He completed them without a problem.
“Hey, I think I got it.” He turned to me with a huge smile on his face. He looked so hot.
“Here let me check them.” I checked them; he hadn’t gotten a single thing wrong. “Well, you must be a good student.”
“Or you could be a good teacher.”
I looked up to meet his eyes. He stood up and walked toward me. It was a matter of ten steps from the desk to my bed, but he took each step so slowly. When he reached me he stopped and lifted my hand from his paper. He was looking into my eyes the whole entire time.
“You have beautiful eyes.” He was actually paying attention to me.
“Thanks.” I never thought that there was something special about them. My brown hair always covered them.
He brushed my hair away as he sat down beside me on my bed. “You shouldn’t cover your eyes up. I’ve never seen blue with gold and green flecks.”
I smiled. I could feel the blush creeping into my cheeks. I turned away trying to calm my nerves.
He caught my chin and turned my face towards his. Our faces were so close, so close. I could feel his breath on my face. It was so warm.
“You’re-“
“Shh.” He put a finger on my lips to silence me. “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?”
“I have something at 5:00, but other than that no.”
“Good.” He smiled at me. He had removed his finger only to replace it to stop my questions. “Don’t say anything.”
I nodded my head so he would remove his finger again.
“Now, tomorrow night I’ll come pick you up at about 6:45 so we can get there on time,” His lips curved up into a small smile that reached his eyes.
“Where are we going?” I loved saying “we” as in a couple. It just felt so natural.
“It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that you need to wear a black tank top and a miniskirt.”
Why would he tell me what I needed to wear? Was there a certain dress code?
“Okay. You’re lucky that I have both. Any particular type of shoes I should wear?” I tilted my head to the side, trying to use some of the flirting techniques that I had seen Annie use, but I felt ridiculous doing it and I blushed an even deeper red.
“You might want to wear flip-flops. You’re going to be standing a lot.”
“Okay.” Great, back to the one syllable sentences.
“Now I’ve got to go. I told my mom to pick me up at 5:00. See you later.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me here alone.
“No, I can see myself out. Thanks for helping me.”
“No problem,” I stood up to see him to the door.
“See you later.”
“Bye,” He closed the door as he left. I threw my self onto the bed. Oh my gosh! He touched me! He told me that I had pretty eyes and that he wants to go out with me tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow was Saturday. I had chores to do, and then I had to be at the park by 5:00 to meet my mystery person. Which had kept me on edge all day. I had a full day tomorrow, but first I had a full night to dream of Everett.
Last edited by Theodorable on Tue Apr 14, 2009 5:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Mar 13, 2009 7:08 pm
EmmaJ says...



Very interesting. The convo floes very well, and I like the story line so far, but it lacks some what in detail. Maybe you should describe the surroundings and how Chris feeling and what she thinks a little more, at the moment all we are going on is what she says. I think with a bit more description you could really bulk out the last scene (Which I really liked by the way) and make the main guy sound even grater than he already is.
I must say I like the whole one syllable sentence thing though, that is how I sound when talking with a guy I like. I can sympathies.

Can't wait to find out what happens, who is her mystery texter ... dududunnnn :)
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - the king from alice in wonderland.
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Sat Mar 14, 2009 2:01 pm
alwaysawriter says...



Hi Teddy! I'm alwaysawriter but I have a varation of names so I always tell people they can shorten my name or call me Kat. I've seen you around before--congrats on becoming a Blue!! :D

I was walking toward the front of the school to wait for Everett when Derron came up from behind me.
Since this is the first line of the story/chapter, you need to grab my attention here. As my English teacher points out, in the publishing world (and sometimes on YWS), the person will look at the first few lines and decide whether they want to read it or not. This line didn't cut it. At this moment, I don't care about the characters yet, so I don't care that the main character was waiting for Everett and Derron came up behind her. (I know this is the fourth chapter but I'm speaking in general terms)
Why not start off with a description? Make this sentence more wordy and add in sensory words. What was she seeing as she went to the front of the school? People rushing to their lockers to not miss the bus? Teachers taking off quicker than students? What was she feeling? Bodies smushing her? What was she hearing? Students yelling? Books being dropped to the ground? People talking? <---Stuff like that.

“Yes.” My smirk warned him that I was kidding though.
HOW did her smirk warn him that she was kidding?

“This!” He reached for me and met his mark.
Mark sounds awkward in this sentence. Maybe try rewording it?

He was serious.
This is kind of an obvious statement here. I'd suggest taking it out.

“I have something at 5, but other than that no.”
Five should be spelled out.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Wait- he was leaving me!
Both of these lines bother me. They're too dramatic. I'd suggest taking them out.

Oh my gosh! He touched me! He told me that I had pretty eyes and that he wants to go out with me tomorrow.
Since these are her thoughts, why not separate them from the rest of the story by putting them in italics?

Well, tomorrow was Saturday. I had chores to do, and then I had to be at the park by 5 to meet my mystery person. After that I needed to be home by 6 and ready to leave with Everett by 6:45.
This is a list and lists aren't good because they're boring and unneeded. However, I'm sure if you move some of the words around it wouldn't be so list-like or, possibly, you could talk more about her thoughts of meeting him tomorrow.


I had a full day.
This is a weak ending because you don't leave us wanting to read more or anything. In conjuction with the second suggestion I gave above, you can say something like "Tomorrow is going to be a great day," I said aloud as I drifted off to sleep. ?

Overall:

I think your biggest problem is with description; there's too much telling and not enough showing. However, fixing that is somewhat easy. Just remember the five senses (touch, taste, feel, smell, and hear) and go from there. You don't have to use all of them at once but just using a few makes the reader feel more involved in the story. You don't have to describe everything because that's like trying to read The Great Expectations (near impossible, at least for me; the first ten pages are all description!). Hopefully, adding more description will balance out the dialogue.

I like the plot. I'm not exactly sure who this mystery person is since I haven't read the other chapters but the guy she's tutoring seems cool. Good job. :D

Remember to treat each chapter as equal as you treat the story in whole. One chapter shouldn't have all dialogue and another chapter shouldn't have all description. Treat them separatly but at the same time, like a whole. Do you see what I mean?

This is the first fiction review I've done for a month or two so I apologize if it's crappy. I apologize if I was rude or harsh at any point during the review.

If you need me to explain anything further or have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-alwaysawriter
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

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Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:15 pm
*writewatiwant* says...



Nice one, Teddy. I'm sorry about my lazy and unhelpful review, but the above critiques have mentioned it all. I'm sorry about the delay. I liked it. *runs off to check the other chapters*

*Kat*
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Mon Apr 13, 2009 8:56 pm
em818 says...



wow. I really loved your story, and can not wait for the next part. I have to agree with the other comments. The conversation is amzingly good and flows beautifully, however, they do so much talking, i really want to know what she's feeling! Give me a little more setting too. You told me where they are but a good story need details. You kinda left me to fill in the blanks on my own. Thats not all bad, you let me be creative, but I may not see the story the way you wanted me to. I love how you can convey the feelings of the characters through their speech but again I would love to see you take a break from teh talk here and there and let me in the mind of your character. overall though, you did an amazing job, please keep writing, Im anxious for teh next part. :)
  





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Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:27 pm
emeraldmaria says...



To be honest, it was a bit too much dialogue for me. I'm not saying that you need to get the two characters talking less but some when you look back at the post almost everything seems to be dialogue. Maybe if you gave some more details to everything than it wouldn't seem like a page of dialogue and have more substance around it. Have thoughts, feeling and be aware of all the surroundings. Give your readers a video with the audio. Like Kay mentioned, the five sentences. Also, spell out numbers and such. It has a more professional feeling to it. And a quick tip for writing romance, emotion. Emotion is everything.
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"
  








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