Aela and The Leshy Part Two

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Ello :)

Well here is the next instalment of my entry for Rosey's contest. Hope you like it!

Part Two

Laughing merrily as she flipped her skirt and petticoat around in time to her joyous skipping, Aela came to a clearing in the forest. She arrived in a small clearing and paused, tilting her head slightly in confusion. Opposite her in the space, backing onto the forest, was a small wooden hut.

Curiosity overcoming caution, Aela immediately made her way over to it. The grass of the clearing tickled her ankles as she moved forward.

Mother Nature was seemingly trying to claim back the small hut for herself. Plants grew around its base, some reaching as high as the window on one side. Ivy was climbing up the wall of the hut, creeping its way over the roof, attempting to completely take over the decrepit building.

Aela had now reached the slightly lopsided door and as usual her inquisitive nature took over. She wondered if someone was living here in the forest but how could they? Wasn’t it too dangerous? Stretching out her hand she lightly touched the door, feeling the coarse wood under her fingertips. Putting more force behind her hand, Aela pushed the door open and walked inside.

Looking around the meagre hut, it was apparent that someone was living there. A small bed was at the far end of the room but Aela didn’t think you could quite call it a bed. It appeared to be a tangled heap of covers and material tossed on the floor.

Turning to the right she saw a simple wooden table with various items scattered across the top. She leaned in closer to see little woodland creatures carved out of pine, littering the surface of the table. There was a rabbit, an owl, a deer, a crow, a fox and many others. Two of the carvings, however, were bigger than the others, a bear and a wolf. Aela sincerely hoped she would not see either of these creatures for real in the forest.

Woodcarving and cutting tools surrounded these creations. She picked a few up and weighed them in her hand, not quite sure how someone would use them. Standing straight again she looked up at the ceiling, an array of plants made into to bunches hung from the rafters. They produced a curious sweet smelling scent that filled the hut. On the other side of the room there was a small stove that Aela assumed kept the hut warm in the winter and was used for cooking any food.

She was about to explore the hut further when a loud bang sounded on the door. It made her jump back startled and clutch at her chest, for her heart was now beating rapidly.

“Hello?” she asked uncertainly, her voice quavering slightly.

There was no answer but Aela, still feeling uneasy, took a couple of steps back. The silence was broken abruptly by a violent hammering and pounding coming from all around the hut, it was relentless and deafening. Aela gasped and covered her ears with her hands. It didn’t help though; she could still hear the beating on the wall. There was a howling outside the hut, that accompanied the drumming. The howl swirled round and round, making the whole building shake. She was breathing quickly now and could feel fearful tears stinging her eyes... what was happening?

“Stop! Please, stop it!” Aela pleaded, trying to make her voice heard above the onslaught of sound but it was no use. The hut was now shaking more violently than ever. She stood in the centre of the room not wanting to be anywhere near the walls, her whole body was trembling. Aela pressed her palms harder and harder against her ears, trying desperately to block the sound out. Closing her eyes, she wished in a forlorn hope that she could be back in her home now, eating breakfast with her family.

Fingers curled around Aela’s forearm, pressing down, gripping her painfully and she screamed. She tried to resist, pulling her arm back, not daring to open her eyes, scared of what she might see. Whoever or whatever it was moved closer, so close that she could feel breath tickling the side of her face. Her hand was forced away from her ear.

“There is nothing to be afraid of. Come with me.” There was another tug on her arm.

Suddenly the howling and pounding returned. Aela hadn’t realised until now that it had stopped, so intent she had been on the presence with her in the hut. She jumped and the grip tightened but instead of being afraid Aela felt unexpectedly safe and reassured, as though she could trust this person. She relaxed, opened her eyes and allowed herself to be lead out of the hut.

The person drew close to her again and Aela noticed it was a boy. “Don’t look behind you,” it was a command this time.

Aela did as she was told and followed the boy without once looking behind her. A high-pitched laugh rippled through the air but it was not full of delight, as it had been the night before but tempered by malicious intent. Footsteps sounded behind them and Aela could no longer resist the urge to look behind her, to see what it was that pursued them. She turned and looked.

A scream filled her belly, her throat, her mouth but nothing came out. Behind them was a man but not any normal man. He was as tall as the pine trees that surrounded the clearing and he was covered head to toe in what she could only assume was green fur. He had curled horns atop his shaggy head and a long thin face, half of which was covered with a thick green beard. He had on clothes that seemed to be worn back to front. The thing that most struck Aela though, and scared her more than anything, was the cold dark eyes that were fixed upon her.

“Run!” cried the boy.

Aela needed no command. She ran, pulled along by the boy who still gripped her arm tightly. They seemed to be heading for the forest and the safe density of the woodland. Reaching the line of the trees neither slowed down. Branches whipped past Aela’s face catching her skin and leaving small scratches. She didn’t stop to consider the pain as she ran full pelt, trying to keep up with the boy.

“Over there!” The boy pointed to a large fallen tree that appeared to have a small space hollowed out underneath it. He began to race towards it, reaching the tree he slipped beneath the huge trunk, dragging Aela with him.

Panting, chest heaving, she found herself sitting next to the boy in a cramped space but this was not what her mind was focused on. “What… what was that?”

The boy did not look at her but answered. “A Leshy.”

“That’s the Leshy?” She had not expected it to be so large or scary. It came nowhere near the image she had created of a woodland spirit. The boy simply nodded.

“I didn’t think it would look like that. I mean I thought perhaps…”

He suddenly clamped his hand over her mouth. “Shh.”

Above them, around them, came the crashing and snapping sound of their pursuer. They sat, she in terror and he calmly restraining her, until the noise faded into the distance.

“You’re an idiot,” he removed his hand but refused to look at her.

Aela was shocked. He had seemed so trustworthy, so safe when he was helping her. Now though he was sat there rigid, almost as if he was disgusted with her.

“I was just curious.”

The boy released a short derisive laugh, though it was barely audible. If it weren’t for her proximity to him, she wouldn’t have noticed it.

“You do not realise what you have done,” he turned to her now, looking her sternly in the eye. “You have angered the Leshy. He is lord of all the forest and all animals are his. He is not to be trifled with by little girls.”

Aela opened her mouth to retort but found she was too outraged,how dare he call her a little girl! She went to stand up, leave him, but he held her. “Have you no sense, wait and then you may have a chance of making it back home in one piece.”

Still outraged but resigned to the fact that she would rather be stuck in a tree trunk with him than anywhere near the Leshy, she sat back down with a huff of annoyance.

To Be Continued...
Last edited by beckiw on Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi again :) This is a really well written piece! I could actually feel my heart thumping when they were running from the Leshy- the description on it was brilliant too :D

Laughing merrily as she flipped her skirt and petticoat around in time to her continued skipping


I'm not sure about 'continued skipping'- I'd replace continued with something else or leave it out.

She paused and tilted her head slightly, it was a small clearing but this is not the thing she was considering.


I'd maybe change the comma after slightly to a dash.

It appeared to be a tangled heap of covers and material placed on the floor.


As its a tangle mess I wouldn't really say placed- bundled or tossed would more fit in with the image.

They produced a weird sweet smelling scent that filled the hut.


Instead of weird curious might sound better.

A howling sounded outside the hut, accompanying the drumming.


I'd add 'there was' before 'a howling' or change accompanying to accompanied.

She was breathing quickly now and could feel fearful tears come to her eyes...


I think you could say something better than 'come to her eyes'- perhaps rise/sting/press against might all work well.

He had curled horns atop his shaggy head, a long thin face, half of which was covered with a thick green beard.


I think it should be 'and a long thin face'.

“You do not realise what you have done,” he turned to her now, acknowledging her presence.


I kind of thought he was acknowledging her presence before as he was talking to her- just not looking at her. Its up to you but I'd maybe change that to something about looking her sternly in the eye :)

Aela opened her mouth to retort but found she was too outraged, how dare he call her a little girl.


I think this might work well as one of the italic parts with an exclamation mark on the end.

Overall: I think you have carried on well from before- really good description and twist here too! I like how you have introduced a new character :D

I'd maybe add more description on the boy and how he looks, perhaps whilst they are hiding would be a good opportunity. I also would have thought that she would already know he was a boy before looking at him due to his voice. I think you have described the hut well, maybe you could describe how she feels squished beneath the tree too? Its not completely necessary but might add to the scene, for instance how little she can see, or how compressed she feels. I can't really think of anything else that could be changed, again I think you have paced this quite well and the description of the running is great :)

Look forward to reading more and hope I've helped!
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail




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Back again for review part two!

Laughing merrily as she flipped her skirt and petticoat around in time to her continued skipping, Aela came to a clearing in the forest.


If you've already said that she was skipping, you don't have to mention it again.

She paused and tilted her head slightly, it was a small clearing but this is not the thing she was considering.


Something about this sentence is very awkwardly worded. I think you should take out the whole :but this is not the thing she was considering". It makes the sentence overly lengthy and convoluted.

I would rewrite it as:

She arrived in a small clearing and paused, tilting her head in slight confusion. In the middle of the clearing was a wooden hut.

Or something like that.

Mother nature


These make up one name, so capitalize both words: Mother Nature.

Woodcarving and cutting tools surrounded these creations. She picked a few up and weighed them in her hand, not quite sure what they were actually for.


You just said what the tools are for! Woodcarving and cutting. ^_^

They produced a weird sweet smelling scent


Hmm. I don't like the word "weird." It's too casual. Change it to something like "odd."

Hello?” She asked uncertainly


De-capitalize she.

there was another tug on her arm.


Capitalize there.

“Run!” Cried the boy.


De-capitalize cried.

Overall

I think you should add a bit more description, particularly about...

--The boy
--The forest

Is there more than one Leshy? Before, you say, "The leshy", but all of a sudden, the boys says he is "A Leshy."

How on earth would the Leshy sleep in that small cottage? Or is it the boy's?

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Thank you for the reviews Pippiedooda and Haruno :)

Haruno I'm a little confused. In the previous part I wrote dialogue that was '"Aela! Aela!" worry...' and you said to capitalise worry. So I was applying that in part two of the story. Like where it says '"Run!" Cried the boy' and this time you said to de-capitalise the word cried.

I'm just confused because isn't that basically the same as the example from the first part of the story? Is there some rule I am missing here? lol If you could explain this to me that would be great! lol So I know what to do when editing the next part of the story.

And I can't answer your questions I'm afraid lol You'll just have to wait till the next part.

I'm finding it very interesting that everyone is asking me to describe the boy but I haven't described Aela at all :P I suppose it is because the story is from her perspective so readers will have their own view of her.




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Ah.

I shall explain.

So here are the two sentences:

"Run!" cried the boy.

"Aela, Aela." Worry crept into his voice.

Cried is the verb for your sentence. Imagine dialogue as one long sentence.
"Run!" cried the boy. is one sentence. Therefore, cried is not capitalized.

On the otherhand,

Worry is a noun. "Aela, Aela." was your sentence. "Worry crept into his voice" is an entirely different sentence. So worry is capitalized.

Does that make any sense at all?

Another example:

"Rawr!" screamed the dinosaur.

Screamed is part of "Rawr!"

"Rawr!" screamed the dinosaur is all one sentence. So "screamed" is not capitalized. Screamed is the verb. A sentence always needs a verb.

But:

"Rawr!" There was anger present in the dinosaur's voice.

These are two separate sentences.

To make matters even more confusing:

If your sentence has a comma at the end:

"Aela, Aela,"

"Worry" would be lowercase. A comma joins two independent clauses, so that would be one sentence.

Isn't grammar fun? :wink:

So I'd recommend buying some advanced grammar books.

If this critique confused you at all, sorry. ^_^
I wasn't sure how to explain it, so I got my mom (a former editor) to come help me.

Did this make things clearer (it probably didn't)?

--Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Reviews 365
Ah.

I shall explain.

So here are the two sentences:

"Run!" cried the boy.

"Aela, Aela." Worry crept into his voice.

Cried is the verb for your sentence. Imagine dialogue as one long sentence.
"Run!" cried the boy. is one sentence. Therefore, cried is not capitalized.

On the otherhand,

Worry is a noun. "Aela, Aela." was your sentence. "Worry crept into his voice" is an entirely different sentence. So worry is capitalized.

Does that make any sense at all?

Another example:

"Rawr!" screamed the dinosaur.

Screamed is part of "Rawr!"

"Rawr!" screamed the dinosaur is all one sentence. So "screamed" is not capitalized. Screamed is the verb. A sentence always needs a verb.

But:

"Rawr!" There was anger present in the dinosaur's voice.

These are two separate sentences.

To make matters even more confusing:

If your sentence has a comma at the end:

"Aela, Aela,"

"Worry" would be lowercase. A comma joins two independent clauses, so that would be one sentence.

Isn't grammar fun? :wink:

So I'd recommend buying some advanced grammar books.

If this critique confused you at all, sorry. ^_^
I wasn't sure how to explain it, so I got my mom (a former editor) to come help me.

Did this make things clearer (it probably didn't)?

--Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85



Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn.
— Thomas Gray